Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to JK Rowling. The plot is mine, but feel free to borrow any concepts as you wish. Also the end part belongs to Potter Puppet Pals; I just borrowed the idea and turned it into a funny story.
Thanks: To Ellen for the idea!!!! To Leah for helping write this without her i'd be stuck on page 1...
Only time would tell if Ron could finally reveal his ultimate secret and favourite past-time. This was one secret that Harry, Hermione, Hagrid, Dumbledore, Snape, Malfoy, Neville, … wait… never mind! Anyways, no one could know about it. NO ONE!!!!!!! It would ruin his entire life. He'd be ridiculed, teased, laughed at, and even worse, they would take his precious butterflies away. Yes, it was imperative that he not give and squeal his own secret. That was, until the day Seamus decided it would by fun to play his own ridiculous version of 'I Never'. The whole object of the game was to come up with the most disgusting and ridiculous sexual acts possible and, to ensure the most amount of alcohol was consumed, if no one had done that particular act they had to take a shot. Soon the circle of boys sitting on the dorm floor was piss drunk.
"I never…" Dean slurred, "tricked Snape into being my sex-slave." Harry, Seamus, and surprisingly Neville left their shots sitting in the circle.
"Neville!!! You dog!" Seamus hollered.
Blushing, Neville tossed his hand out awkwardly to dismiss the comment and urge Harry to take his turn.
"I – I… Nev…er, "Harry choked out between laughs, "uhhh…"
"HARRY!" the group yelled coaxing him to concentrate and try to stay upright.
"I never, polyjuiced myself to look like Pansy and snuck into the Slytherin common room just to have hot 'lesbian' sex with Millicent Bulstrode." An awkward silence fell over the group after the detailed account of Harry's rather repulsive 'I Never'. Avoiding all eye contact, Harry shakily drank his shot prompting his dazed dorm mates to do the same.
"I NEVER!" Seamus yelled earning himself a grateful glance from The Boy Who Lived.
"I never hammered Ron's sis up the ass with a broomstick." Everyone but Ron drank from their glasses with a green face.
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!" shrieked Ron from his place in the circle. A chorus of groans and refusals to believe erupted all around.
"NO! SO WRONG!!! NO, NO, NO!"
"UGH! WHAT THE HELL!"
"OMG! INCEST! WRONG!"
After the commotion died down, made all the worse when Ron tried to voice an explanation, then Neville hesitantly picked up his shot and spoke his 'I Never'.
"I never cock-slapped a butterfly." startled eyes landed on him as he sputtered out a quick, 'I couldn't think of anything.' Again Ron was the only one not to take a shot.
"I – I … uhhh… I have to go to the washroom," he stammered and hastily left the room, a full shot glass sitting in his place.
'OMG, I'm so screwed' he screamed in his head as he raced to his bed. Rom quickly drew the curtains closed around himself, and cast a Silencing charm.
"SHIT!" Ron shrieked, "What the hell am I going to do?"
With his hands on his face and elbows on his knees, an erection was starting to creep up on him; his concentration was disrupted by this unwelcome visit.
"NO, NOT NOW!" he yelled at himself.
He kept hearing the beautiful butterfly wings trying to escape their sanctuary under his bed.
"God! Why does this always happen to me? Don't think about the butterflies, don't think about them!!"
Suddenly, he heard the door of the dormitory open, and someone came in
"RON?" Harry yelled, "You forgot to drink you're shot for the butterflies!"
Then Ron's curtains drew back.
"Here you are…"
"Go away!" Ron said
"What? Your lips are moving but I can't hear what you're … WAIT!" started Harry as he was trying to put 2 and 2 together. "Did you... uhhh……… oh oh oh, you put a Silencing charm…am I right?"
Ron took a scrap of parchment and wrote 'PISS OFF!'
"FINE" Harry yelled. He quickly turned around, paused and fell straight to the ground. Ron quickly ran to Harry's side and tried to wake him.
"Harry you unconscious bastard, WAKE UP!" Ron said after getting rid of the Silencing charm. He kept pushing Harry trying to wake him up.
Out of nowhere Harry's hand swung to meet Ron's nose.
"AHHHHHH!!!" Ron yelled out in pain, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Don't you… f-f-fucking t-touch me!" Harry slurred while trying to glare at the right Ron floating in front of him.
"You're so pissed." Ron muttered.
"Yeah … well you're not doin' so good too Butterfly Man!"
Ron's strangled hasp floated through Harry's head.
"You sound not good," he commented.
"Go away!" said Ron
"No!" said Harry "Tell me what's wrong"
"Fine!" hurried Ron, "I … I like…. God damn, how the hell am I supposed to say this… Iliketococksmackbutterflies!"
"Cool!" Harry mumbled before falling unconscious not to wake up until the next morning.
"Hey Harry. Wake up class starts in half an hour." Ron stated.
"Uggghhh… What the hell happened last night?"
"You passed out. Hey, thanks for listening to me last night man… it's good to get my secret out in the open!" Ron carried on.
"What … What are you talking about? What secret?" Harry questioned.
"Don't you remember… the one where I cock-smacked butterflies!"
"WHAT???" Harry awoke with a start
"Oh… uhh… never mind" stuttered Ron
"No, No… Tell me…" pleaded Harry
"No never mind"
"Damn it … spit it out Ron"
"Never!" Ron yelled, summoned his broomstick and flew out of the room wearing a red cape (a/n: superman style).
'Wtf mate!?!' Harry thought (took that from 'The End of the World')
Ron flew around the Quidditch pitch nervously trying not to think about the butterflies that constantly plagued his randy mind.
"Ron!" he heard coming from the other end of the pitch
"Ron!" Harry hollered again. Trying to escape the inevitable Ronald zipped away from the pitch towards the Forbidden Forest.
Harry quickly mounted a conveniently placed broom and chased him to the edge of the forest.
"Ron, stop! I just want to talk."
Ron sped forward and dove into the thick foliage of the Forbidden Forest. He kept going until he lost Harry and for a minute or so after just to make sure he was safe. Gently tilting his broom downward, he touched ground in the middle of a meadow. Distant fluttering could be heard making Ron nervous as to what could be causing it. Suddenly, without and warning at all, thousands of butterflies swarmed the meadow nearly giving him a heart attack.
"Ungh." Ron groaned resisting the urge to resort to his basic instinct. After a few moments he gave up and hastily stripped off his pants and briefs. Swaying his hips from side to side he let his cock swing, occasionally smacking butterflies that got in his path. Feeling completely free and content, he bounced around in the butterfly filled meadow singing, "Cock-smack the butterflies! Cock-smack the butterflies! Weeeeeeeeee!!!! La la la la la la la! AHHHHH-"
"Ronikus Explodicus!" a feminine voice cried from the edge of the meadow. Ron's decapitated body fell to the ground.
"Nice shot Hermione."
"Shame you had to do that though."
"Yeahh, but he was clearly violating the Enchanted Butterfly Conservation Act. I had to do something."