I am wandering these halls like a lost soul again. What do I hope to accomplish by skulking around like some nocturnal animal? What purpose is served by avoiding my chambers until the weight of fatigue is overbearing and I finally retreat to my lonely bed? I do not know what is wrong with me. Well, that is not exactly true…
I hear voices and so I move closer to investigate. A scene unfolds before my eyes and I watch the intimate spectacle closely. I see you and him. You are holding one another, your brown hair contrasting against his.
"I can't do this," I hear you say, pushing him away gently.
"But I love you…you know I do."
"I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep lying to myself and especially not to you. You deserve someone who loves you with everything in their heart. I don't love you. Not like that."
There is a silence weighing in the air as I watch the two of you looking at each other.
"Is there someone else?"
More silence and then…
"Not exactly," you mumble in reply.
"What do you mean by 'not exactly'? There either is or there isn't."
"It's not that simple."
You look up at him and shake your head.
"I can't. You wouldn't understand."
He raises his hand to tilt your chin up. I can see the tears in your eyes. He sighs and in that sigh I hear the resignation in his heart. It is all too familiar.
"I guess I always knew that you didn't love me like that but I never gave up hope that your heart might change."
"I'm so sorry. You're my best friend and I do love you…"
A sad chuckle stops your words.
"I know. I suppose I should be grateful that I still have your friendship."
"No, I am the one who should be grateful," you mutter quietly. The guilt you are feeling is so very apparent.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up over this. I sort of pushed you into this relationship didn't I? I'll be all right…I just need some time."
"You know…you are going to make someone very happy someday."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
I see a small smile on his face as he looks at you and it hides the disappointment that was there only moments before.
"I'm so sorry…for everything…"
Those words reverberate around the hallways, magnifying somehow and filling my ears…making me think back to another night much like this one…another heart that hurt just as much.
* Flashback *
"But I love you. I love you more than anything. I thought…I thought…"
"I'm so sorry. You are a dear friend to me and you will always hold a special place in my heart but I do not love you the way you love me."
"Yes, Severus. I love him."
"Well, don't invite me to the wedding…I don't want to see either of you again."
"Severus…please…don't go like this…"
"Just get away from me, Lily. You've done enough to hurt me. I thought you loved me. I thought you saw past everything and loved me. Obviously I was wrong. You can go back to your James now and have a lovely laugh at my expense. Maybe Black and Lupin will join you."
"Severus, it's not like that…"
"I don't care what it's like. Just leave."
"I said leave!!"
"I'm so sorry…for everything."
* End Flashback *
I am brought back to the here and now, my heart flooded with painful memories.
"Can I have one last kiss?"
You nod and your lips touch. I feel strangely empty watching you, watching you try to heal the wound in his heart with your kiss. It is more than anyone ever tried to do for me. It almost feels as if you are healing me as well. I can feel something that I have not felt in years…the pricking of tears.
I am suddenly consumed by anger…anger at you for bringing these repressed memories to the surface and for making me feel things I ought not…
I do not remember what I did next. I think I burst in upon you and berated you both for breaking curfew and indulging in behaviour unbecoming to Hogwarts students, especially a prefect like yourself. I remember taking 50 points off of Gryffindor and how neither of you questioned my authority.
I did it because it was necessary and it was my right. I did not do it for any other reason.
No, I will not admit it…even to myself…that I wish it had been my lips you kissed, my body that you held so lovingly…
I will not admit that I was jealous.