Disclaimer: I own a copy of all the books, but not the copyright and/or franchise.
Harry Potter yawned lightly and crossed his legs in a feminine manner. He was lounging in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room.
He casually steepled his fingers on his lap and drummed them together.
"Harry!" Colin Creevy finally made it all the way down the stairs from the boy's dormitory and came to a panting stop in front of Harry. He sketched a hasty bow and then straightened to address Harry. "Harry, will you really—"
"Yes." Harry interrupted imperiously. "Just let me—" he artfully pulled out his wand and waved it around, erecting several privacy and notice-me-not wards. "Now," he murmered with an evil smirk, "come here, Colin…My first loyal follower."
TWO HOURS LATER
Harry Potter swept down a hallway in the dungeon, intend on reaching his destination with style, flair, and grace. Upon reaching said destination, he used his magic to throw the door open in front of him and power-strode into the room.
"Professor—" Harry paused. The potions classroom was empty. "Oh…He's not here. To Snape's office, then!"
After a few more minutes of stylish perambulating, Harry threw open the door to Snape's office with equal flair. "Professor!"
Snape's facial expression changed from surprise to murderous rage so quickly it would have been comedic if Harry hadn't been on an errand of a completely serious nature.
"Potter, what in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?!?" he spit out furiously.
Harry drew himself up to his full height. "You've got a choice to make, sir."
"Oh, I do, do I? What is it, whether to kill you right now or have the prolonged pleasure of watching you die on the inside when I have you expelled?"
"No, not quite." Harry murmered, voice laced with dangerously seductive evil.
The door to the office slammed shut on Snape's startled gasp.
FOUR HOURS AND SEVEN RECRUITMENTS LATER
Albus Dumbledore glanced around the Great Hall from his position at the center of the staff table. He did love to observe the other teachers and the students. He scanned the students for signs of mischief—there didn't appear to be any. He then subtly glanced around at the other teachers. There he found, to his surprise, that the normally unflappable Snape was both extremely pale and appeared to jump at every little noise. He had little time to contemplate this strange behavior, however, because at that moment Harry Potter burst into the Hall from the main doors, making a huge crashing noise that effectively silenced the entire student body.
Dumbledore started to reprimand Harry, but froze before he could actually get the words out—forget all the other strange behavior going on, Snape was cowering in his seat and whimpering. "What on Earth—"
"Headmaster," Harry began solemnly, "I am here to offer you an ultimatum."
"Buh?" Dumbledore queried intelligently.
"Either you and the rest of the professors join my Dark League of Wicked (Cool) People, or I do terrible and unimaginable things to you. Isn't that right, Seeeeverus?"
"Just give the boy whatever he wants, Albus." Snape pleaded in a strained voice.
"The DLW(C)P is an equal-opportunity employer, if that's what you're worried about. I offer time shares of my soul on loan to all interested parties so that they can better do my will."
"Harry," Dumbledore said sternly, having finally found an idea he could latch on to, "splitting your soul is very dangerous and very, very dark. You need to cease this nonsense before you get hurt."
"It's not splitting my soul, per se. It's just a time share/loan kinda thing. Not dangerous at all. Well—" a glance at Snape, "not dangerous to me, at any rate."
"We're not going to join your dark league, Harry." Dumbledore frowned unhappily at him.
"Very well. Colin! Snape! Dobby! Hedwig! Hagrid! Luna! Stevie! Elincia! Wonderman! Come! We depart for the Secret Base of Evil!"
As Wonderman, the last DLW(C)P-er to leave the hall, passed by Harry, he gave a timid question. "Lord Harry the Awesome, aren't you coming?"
"Yes, Wonderman, I am. But before I do, I have to fulfill my promise to the Headmaster." Harry said imperiously. "Run along now." Wonderman, being a first year Hufflepuff and as such being used to taking orders, complied with Harry's request.
After the doors to the Great Hall swung shut behind Wonderman, and the DLW(C)P-ers gathered around a deodorant stick turned portkey, little Colin Creevy gave Snape a curious look. "I've never known you to cower, Professor."
"Yes, well, the piece of Potter's soul that he loaned me kept telling me to rock back and forth and mutter things like 'bad touch, good touch', but that was a little beneath me, so we reached a compromise." Snape grumbled in response. "So. This portkey does lead to an island in the Caribbean, right?"
Colin grinned. "You got it. I helped Lord Harry decorate the party mansion and everything."
Hagrid beamed at the entire circle. "Wow, trapping Voldemort in an unbreakable glass jar with apparition wards on it and then forcing him to watch a never-ending party in the Caribbean without being able to take part was a great idea for how to kill him. I can't wait to try it out!" At the shocked stares of the rest of the group, Hagrid gave a hearty laugh and spoke the portkey activation word. "Antidisestablishmentarianism!"
Yeah, pulling the whole "I'm an uneducated idiot" card for his entire life was so worth it to see the look on Severus Snape's face when he realized that all the big-worded insults he had given Hagrid had been completely understood.
Hagrid grinned widely as the nine of them landed on a sandy beach in the fabulous Caribbean.
Life was good.