I wrote this in light of my complete lack of inspiration for Delirium. For those who wanted an update, I'm sorry! You know what I'm like with updates...hopefully this story will make up for it. I'm aware I've made Chazz out to be more temperamental and spoilt then he actually is...but isn't that part of his charm? (tumbleweed) Well I think so anyway...
I sat down and wrote this after reading an excellent fic called 'Saiou Takuma: A User's Maintenance Guidebook'. Does this count as stealing the idea? I'd rather call it inspiration, but either way I'll give credit to the author - Huajun Chen, go check their work out.
I can also give some credit to 'Seto's User Guide' by Mikaristar and 'Behind Closed Doors' by Littlest-Angel, who gave the idea for a Super-Friend Jaden pack. And if anyone's wondering where the 'Oozing Masculinity' thing comes from...go read my other fic, 'You're Pretty'. Unless you don't like shonen-ai. Or the Chazz/Jaden pairing. If either of these apply, don't read it at all. This fic is not yaoi, however (le GASP!) or even vaguely romantic.
Note: It's not that I dislike Alexis - well, alright, I do, but I don't bash nor read the bashing of her character. It's just she's a little too perfect for my tastes: beautiful? Popular? Talented? Makes all main characters fall in love with her on sight? These sound like the makings of a Mary-Sue is you ask me. I'm not bashing her, just stating the obvious, so please don't take offence.
And finally...the disclaimer: ReaperRain does not own Yugioh GX or any of its characters. Or Arial washing powder.
Dedicated to Littlest-Angel, who always makes me smile.
You have purchased the exclusive Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ from 4KIDScorp. Please follow the instructions in this manual to ensure optimum functionality and to get the best out of your product:
Name: Chazz Princeton (also answers to 'The Chazz').
Origin: Japan. Or America. We're not entirely sure.
Height: 5,6" including hair.
Weight: Thought to be around 0.1 gram.
Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack should come with:
1 duelling deck (cards may vary) with complimentary duel disk.
3 irritating Ojama cards (your unit may talk to these on occasion).
1 complete hair product set (do not use for self, this will anger your unit).
1 large bank account (note, only your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ has access to this account, so don't try spending it on yourself. Your unit will spend the money on useful things like hair product and his own personal circus).
Up to 6 different outfits, depending on edition purchased.
How to install your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack:
Remove all packaging and dispose of immediately; if your purchase wakes up and sees the cheap cardboard box, he'll immediately throw a hissy fit. Proceed to poke him gingerly until he wakes up (note: please do not poke him with anything sharp, or this may result in injury to either him or you when he wakes up and sees what you're doing). If this fails then mess up his hair; we then strongly advise you find a safe place to hide until he stops destroying things, or at least finds a comb. Once he is awake, we advise telling him he arrived in a case carved from pure diamond rather than a cardboard box. A few little white lies never hurt anyone.
Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ has several different modes, as explained below.
Pseudo-Emo: The default setting. Despite wearing all black, your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will not cry in a corner or start cutting himself; if he does accidently cut himself, he's more likely to throw a tantrum. We advise keeping him in this mode at all times unless for specific purposes (see other modes).
Obelisk Blue: Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will don the appropriate uniform and become even more snobbish and conceited than usual. He does, however, have an extremely sharp tongue and kickass presence in this mode, and so is ideal for scaring away enemies/babysitting.
Whitewashed: Wearing all white, your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will rant and rave about 'the light' and claim to see the future. Please note that in this mode your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will not associate with anything that isn't white (i.e., will not eat dark or coloured food) and is prone to evil laughter and falling off the roof. He is, however, more obedient to commands and less egotistical in this mode. Also quite handy at painting, as long as it's white paint, of course.
Fanboy: During this mode your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will wear a pink bathrobe and headband, and will proceed to wave homemade signs about. His eyes may be replaced by large lovehearts and he will spout love poems about Ojamas and llamas. In this mode he will be very cuddly and makes an excellent cheerleader; however, it can get annoying after a while, so please refrain from keeping him in this mode for too long.
Duel Zombie: Only recommended if you are overcome with the urge to play card games. Although dressed like Pseudo-Emo mode, there are obvious differences between the two: most notably the slow, staggering walk, blank eyes and excessive use of dark eyeshadow, and constant repetition of the word 'duel'. Good for scaring away children or nosy neighbours.
Those who ordered the Deluxe Edition will also receive the Bishie mode: your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will wear nothing but a tiny hotsprings handtowel around his waist. Although without much function other than strutting around and occasionally throwing water over people, he is extremely pretty to look at (note: please do not drool all over your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™; this will annoy him greatly and may cause a temper tantrum).
Deluxe Edition also includes the limited XYZ Dragon Cannon costume. Please note this costume contains actual firepower and is very dangerous; please do not insult or annoy your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ whilst he is wearing this costume, as your imminent death will follow.
Compatibility to other units:
Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack: He will look down on, but overall get along with this unit, although he will often insult the other with clever use of alliteration. Eventually he will become friends with and maybe even dote on the Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack™. Warning: Do not encourage your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ to duel this unit, as he will automatically lose. An obsession with defeating him may follow.
Mary-Sue Alexis Rhodes Pack: Your purchase will instantly revert to Fanboy mode when in contact with this unit, and will ignore you to serenade and write love poetry to her. She will ignore and reject him, however, so the process should wear off eventually.
Love-Master Atticus Rhodes Pack: Your purchase will look up to this unit and frequently ask him for dating tips and how to get with his sister. Do not expect the advice to actually work, however.
Clingy-Stalker-Friend Syrus Truesdale Pack: Your purchase will frown upon this unnaturally short unit and occasionally ponder about his hair; however, he will eventually form a friendly yet distant relationship.
Supposedly-British Bastion Misawa Pack: He will somewhat admire this genius unit and may strike an intelligent conversation with him. If in Whitewashed mode, however, he will mock and laugh at him cruelly, and may upset the other unit into converting into Whitewashed mode as well.
Partially-Dinosaur Tyranno Hassleberry Pack: He will gawk at his muscles and may be envious of his tan, but will otherwise maintain distance from the over-friendly unit.
Kinda-creepy-psychopath-but-not-really-evil Sartorious Pack: Spending too much time with this unit will cause your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ to go into Whitewashed mode. They will then plot to destroy the world together, so it is best to avoid contact between the two.
Evil-Older-Siblings Jagger and Slade Princeton Duo Pack: Your unit will be uncharacteristically quiet and obedient, and will not argue or yell back at his siblings. If a Super-Friend Jaden Pack™ is present, he will stand up for your unit and cause the brothers to back off. Otherwise, contact is not recommended.
Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ will ignore all other units, as they are simply not good enough for him.
Looking after your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack:
Be sure to offer your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ food - he cannot be expected to cook for himself. Neglecting to feed him will result in starvation and eventual raiding of the kitchen, which will cause quite a mess. Do not under any circumstances offer him a carrot, as you will quickly find this lodged up one of your nostrils.
Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ likes his baths to be run for him at precisely 96 degrees Fahrenheit - any more or less will result in a hissy fit. Do not attempt to share the bath with your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™, as he will scream and hit you with a back-scrubber until you leave.
He is capable of doing his own laundry, but will demand expensive washing powder made from crushed gold and silk spun by blind Tibetan monks on a sunny day. To avoid this, switch him to Whitewashed mode and give him some Arial washing powder; it does indeed get your whites whiter than white, and this will make him very happy.
Although not as obsessed as some, your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ enjoys the odd game of Duel Monsters every so often. His skill level is high; however, should you defeat him, you must assure him he is a good duelist or he will become depressed and may convert to Whitewashed mode. Be sure to praise and compliment him often; his ego must be maintained for him to function normally. Do not annoy him, as this has been known to result in injury and occasional hospitalisation.
What not to do:
Do not leave your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ outside for too long; he has very pale skin and sunburns easily, even with sunblock. When sunburnt he will be extremely grouchy and irritable, and will demand you attend to his every whim, of which there are plenty.
Do not insult, shout at or humiliate him; doing so will alert the nearest Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack™ to come running to his rescue, and other units will inevitably follow.
Do not attempt to physically/sexually abuse him; he will fight back ferociously and may cause severe damage that quite frankly you deserve. Failing this, he will alert the police to come and arrest you for abuse, and will subsequently be sent to live with a Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack™ to heal his mental scarring.
Do not attempt to seduce or lure your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™. We know the temptation is there, but he is made for a purely platonic relationship apart from occasional cuddling. Excessive flirting may also overload his ego, causing him to revert to Obelisk Blue mode, in which he will cruelly reject you for the Mary-Sue Alexis Rhodes Pack™.
Do not try to make him wear women's clothing or make-up. The Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ can pull off any look, including spoilt brat, gothic hobo, feminist fanboy, brainwashed and zombified. He can also pull of crossdresser; however, he dislikes the girly implications and will become very annoyed if you try to persuade him to wear a dress.
Do not attempt to change your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™'s hair. He spends a great deal of time an effort on it and does not appreciate anyone touching it.
Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ is invincible and cannot be destroyed, not even when pushed into the ocean or sacrificed to an evil Supreme King. If he is behaving erratically or violently (more so than usual), please call our hotline and we will send a repair technician over. Failing that, we will replace him with another Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ unit, or another model if you so wish. No refunds.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: After my unit spent some time with the Mary-Sue Alexis Rhodes Pack™ and the Supposedly-British Bastion Misawa Pack™, both were locked in Whitewashed mode. What happened?
A: If your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ is in Whitewashed mode, he will eventually affect these other units as well. Have them spend some time with the Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack™ and they'll be better in no time.
Q: These two unfamiliar units keep wandering into my house: one with blue hair and a Southern accent, the other with brown hair and an IQ of 2. How do I get rid of them?
A: These are the Followers-Of-Chazz-Who-Were-Never-Named Duo Pack™; they are drawn to your unit if you leave him in Obelisk Blue mode for too long. Switch him to any other mode (Fanboy produces most interesting results) and they'll disappear promptly.
Q: My Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ is so thin! Is he supposed to be like that?
A: Yes, this is your unit's natural body shape. As the slimmest boy in GX, he's actually transcended the infamous size 0 and created his very own category: size -5.
Q: My unit painted my entire home white! What do I do?!
A: Did you leave your unit in Whitewashed mode near a bucket of white paint? Then it's your own fault. Invest in a decorator.
Q: My Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ acts arrogant, high-maintenance, brash and often rude. Is this normal?
A: Yes, quite normal.
1) Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ is quiet or depressed: he may have come into contact with the Evil-Older-Siblings Jagger and Slade Princeton Duo Pack™. To remedy this, be kind to your unit - pay him compliments, make him fried shrimp and run him a bath. Hug him if you think it appropriate, but if he shrugs you off or glares then do not continue the action. Failing all this, get a Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack™ or a Love-Master Atticus Rhodes Pack™ to come and cheer him up.
2) Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ is destroying anything and everything he can get his hands on, stomping around the place and screaming at the top of his lungs: he's throwing a hissy fit, probably because you pissed him off. It's best to just let him ride it out; tantrums last between five minutes to five days.
3) Your little sister keeps staring at your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ and drooling incessantly: I'm afraid your younger sibling is a fangirl. There's nothing much you can do except try to keep your unit as far away from her as possible before any injury is caused - most likely to her.
4) Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ has gone missing/was lost or stolen: your unit will beat up his captor and return to you promptly; if he is unable to, he will alert the police. In the meantime, you may want to check your little sister's room.
5) Your Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ declares he is the best duelist in the world, refers to himself in the third person and keeps shouting catchphrases that sound like sexual innuendos: this is perfectly normal behaviour. You knew what you were getting into when you bought this unit.
Thank you for purchasing the Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack™ from 4KIDScorp! If you haven't already, we also recommend ordering the Super-Friend Jaden Yuki Pack™ to keep your unit company. Enjoy your product!