A/N: General warning: I had way too much fun with this.


To Whom it May Concern:

Hello, um, fanfiction writers.

You are a disturbing lot, first of all.

But to the point.

I'm Uchiha Sasuke, and I have a sword. A big sword. AND IF YOU ATTEMPT TO FANGIRL ME, I WILL USE IT. UNDERSTAND?

Good.

That includes, but is not limited to, drooling on my shirt, mimicking my style, following, stalking, eyelash-batting, chasing, tackling, hugging, kissing, attaching "kun" to the end of my name, building shrines to me in the back of your closet, stealing my sword (it is MY sword. MINE), watching me while I sleep, placing tracker bugs on me, messing up my hair, tattooing my name on yourself with pen, tattooing my name on yourself for real, pledging your undying love to me, writing songs that attempt to find words that rhyme with "Sasuke" (there aren't any. I'm just cool like that), singing said songs to me in an off-key voice, singing said songs to me at all, hiding under my bed, etc.

While we're in the process of clarifying things, there are a few more issues I'd like to deal with.

First of all, and most importantly, I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH SAKURA.

I am a cold-hearted, selfish bastard, remember?

There is no room in my revenge-filled, hateful heart for something as pure as love.

I shall add that to my notebook of emo poetry.

Ahem.

Second, I am not, nor ever was, in love with Orochimaru. He might be a bit too interested in me, but the feelings are certainly not reciprocated.

The guy is transsexual. Enough said.

Third, I am not in love with Naruto. No. Ew. Yuck. I think I just scarred myself for life. Excuse me while I wash my brain.

Okay, better now.

But seriously. Naruto? Ramen boy? Um, no. I set my standards a little higher than that.

Not that I'm gay or anything…

(Just because I have never had a girlfriend does NOT make me gay! I am simply interested in more important things. Like killing off my only remaining family and bringing back the ass-ribbon.)

Fourth, I do not have "hidden, lustful urges and sexual fantasies of ravishing Sakura (OR ANY OTHER WOMAN) in my bed".

Must go wash brain now. With bleach.

Ahem.

Fifth, I do not dress provocatively. I dress in what is comfortable to go around murdering people in. If you happen to like the sight of my chest, congratulations. Your hormones are in proper working order.

Sixth, I DO NOT LOOK LIKE SAI. The guy wears a belly shirt. A BELLY SHIRT. AND HE HAS NO EMOTIONS. AND HE IS SECRETLY HARBORING A CRUSH ON SAKURA. CLEARLY, THERE ARE NO PARALLELS BETWEEN US.

Seventh, I do enjoy using my cursed seal. A lot. You would, too, if you had the equivalent of an extra power reserve built into your neck. So what if I look like an '80s hair metal rocker? I can fly, bitches. FLY. Beat that.

Eighth, I do eat a bit too much sugar.

And finally, I do not intend on returning to Konoha until after I have finished the first part of my life's work. Which, in case, you haven't been paying attention, is killing Itachi-The-Evil-Demon-Boy-Rot-In-Hell-You-Leech.

Yes, I do abbreviate that to ITEDBRIHYL when I address him.

No, he has no idea what it means.

Yes, I cackle maniacally at his confusion.

Yes, he usually takes this opportunity to knock me out, deposit me on a random bench, and disappear, never to be seen again for another year or two.

No, there are no parallels within the story line of this series. NONE AT ALL.

Ahem.

Regardless.

I think I've covered everything.

If you have any questions remaining, please feel free to contact me via telepathy, as my address changes every two days. I'll reply to you when I have time, aka after I force ITEDBRIHYL to eat his own entrails. Please do not send repeat requests, as this will result in me sending Manda after you. And he hates all of existence more than I do. Oh yes. Beware the giant purple snake.

(I am not responsible for any loss of limbs, heads, internal organs, appetite, sanity, or life in general due to Manda.)

Thank you for your time.

Now go away. You're annoying.

(Some things never change.)

Cordially,

Sasuke