One Piece the Abridged Series
By FrescaPower (with some ideas from JakFresca)
Disclaimer: We don't own One Piece, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, 4kids, POTC, YGOor YGO Abridged, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or anything else a reference was made to (which was a lot of things...)
A/N: That goodness Funimation took over the American One Piece! The first season or so probably won't be revised for awhile, so enjoy this version instead! And it's actually more accurate than 4kids!
As some know, there have been many abridged series on YouTube...Naruto, Yu-Gi-Oh...that's all I can think of...There have been several attempts to make a One Piece Abridged, but they just never kept going or weren't very funny (in my personal opinion). I don't know if this will be even lamer than the others' previous attempts, but gosh darn it! I'm are going to write it! You won't find it on a Youtube or anywhere else but fanfiction!
I would also like to say that yes, this chapter title is utterly weird, but read the chapter and you'll soon understand...
Voices: Kid Luffy has a voice more high-pitched than his normal American dub's, Shanks has a thick Australian accent, Narrator sounds exactly like Seto Kaiba, and Higuma has a gruff voice but also sounds like he's high on something (I mean, just look at his face).
Episode One: Special Zombies
Prologue: Famous Last Words
Gold Roger Execution, take 41
A picture of a man with shaggy black hair and a long mustache appeared on screen, and Seto Kaiba's career as a narrator for a crappily dubbed anime began.
"Wealth. Fame. Power. All this was the pirate king Gold Roger's," said Narrator, "But, for some unexplained reason, he was caught by the Navy. Before they hung him from the gallows, he said…"
"I like nachos," shouted Roger in Fred Fredberger's voice, "And...frozen yogurt! And...nachos! And...I can stick two fingers...in my bellybutton..."
Gold Roger Execution, take 42
The Narrator began again. Wealth. Fresca. Power. All this was the pirate king Gold Roger's. But, for some unexplained reason he was caught by the Marines. Before they hung him from the gallows, he said…"
"The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42," said Roger with a hint of a British accent.
"42?!" cried a person in the crowd incredulously.
"Yes, I've thought it over quite well and that's the answer," said the pirate.
"What the bloody hell has that got to do with your treasure?!" asked another spectator.
"I was getting to that part," he replied calmly. "You see, 42 is a code that indicates the lati –"
But before he could finish his sentence, a marine dude yelled "Off with your head!" and there was an unrealistic SFX 'SHUNK!'.
Gold Roger Execution, take 43
Hoping that this was the last take, the narrator said for a third time,There once was a man named Gold Roger, and he was the king of the pirates."
"I thought Jack Sparrow was the king of the pirates!" shouted a Pirates of the Caribbean fan.
"Didn't you see the third movie?" said a second POTC fan to the other, "The pirate king -er, queen- is Elizabeth!"
The narrator started over. In a alternate world where the whole place is filled with non-FDA approved fruit, with a government more corrupt than any in our world, and where everyone is obsessed with pirates --"
"It still sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean to me," remarked the first fan.
Narrator ignored the interruption and continued."There once was a man named Gold Roger and he was the pirate king. Wealth, fame, power, and uncut anime DVDs were all his. However, for some unexplained reason he was captured by 4Kids, who were allied with the Marines. Their editing powers, while weak, greatly outnumbered him. Before he was edited out of the show once and for all, he said…"
"DAMN YOU, 4KIDS!"
"My fortune is yours for the taking, but you'll have to find it first. I left everything I own in pieces of eight."
"COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!" yelled the first fan.
"But, wouldn't it be harder to find if it was in 8 pieces?" said a frustrated Narrator. "What do you want him to say?"
"I left it all in one piece!" said Gold Roger.
The Narrator sighed. And so, people pretending to be pirates set sail for the Grand Line, never to return because they were idiots and didn't know how to be pirates. Two years later, the home island of an important character will be bombed. Twelve years later, a kid will stab himself in the face with a knife."
"Stop giving away plot spoilers!" said a random 4kids person, who had just walked in.
In a sudden act of defiance, the Narrator cried "You can't stop me! I doubt the preschoolers watching this show will care!"
"OK, just for that I'm firing you."
"But- you can't fire me!"
"Well, we have power. And rules."
"Screw the rules, I'm the voice of Seto Kaiba!"
And with that, although the viewers could not see it, Kaiba pulled a rifle out of nowhere, which prompted the random 4kids person to scurry out of the room like a frightened squirrel. And that is why, until the last 4kids dubbed episode, the Narrator is voiced by Kaiba.
A weird rap song about pirates played, and the scene shifted to a kid standing on a pirate ship.
"HEY, EVERYONE!" shouted Monkey D. Luffy, a short black-haired boy who was holding a knife. "To prove that I'm a brave pirate, I'm gonna do the stupidest thing I can think of- stabbing myself in the face with a knife!"
Immediately inside a Tavern...
"That's not a knife, THIS is a knife!" said a man with red hair.
"... Shanks, thats' a spoon."
Shanks stared at Luffy and blinked.
"... Here, have some milk!" Shanks said with a smile and handed Luffy a glass of milk.
"Oh boy, thanks!" replied Luffy and drank it.
Shanks laughed. "A real pirate would never drink milk! That's why we all got osteoporosis!"
"Cool! I wish I was a pirate so I could have osteoporosis. You guys have all the fun!"
"Are you bloody kidding me, mate?" laughed Shanks, as his Australian accent took effect. "You're a annoying, useless, and weak midget who can't even swim, mate!
"No, I can swim!" protested Luffy, and with one bite he devoured a Devil Fruit that was conveniently enough lying around.
"What the bloody hell did you do that for, mate?!" yelled Shanks
"What? Eating the fruit?" Luffy said with attitude. "Is it now illegal to eat fruit? Are you married to the fruit or something?"
"NO, IF YOU EAT THE FRUIT, YOU GET AWESOME KICK-ASS POWERS BUT YOU WILL NEVER, EVER BE ABLE TO SWIM- EVER AGAIN!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Luffy for no reason.
Shanks also began screaming for no reason. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! I SAT ON A NAIL, MATE!!"
Luffy stopped screaming. "Shanks, why do you keep talking like that?"
"Like what, mate?"
"Why you keep saying 'mate' at the end of each sentence."
"Well, it's because 4kids made me talk this way, mate. Or maybe it's just because I can't stop talking like this, mate. HELP ME LUFFY, MATE!!"
Just then, Higuma the Bear Who Looked Nothing Like A Bear But Was Called So Anyway came in.
"Outta my way, I need booze!" he said, pulling out a sword and breaking a bunch of grog bottles...er, juice bottles... for no particular reason. There was a lot of broken glass, and with a crash Shanks fell out of his seat and onto the floor.
"Hey, guys, I think I'm hurt!" said Shanks. The occupants of the tavern laughed. Actually, it sounded more like a comedy show laugh track.
"No, seriously, I think I broke something!" he insisted. The occupants laughed even louder.
"Help me guys! I think I'm bleedin' paralyzed! It's the osteoporosis!" At this, the whole tavern went into an uproar. People fell out of their chairs, grog squirted out of their noses, and everyone was laughing so hard that they did not notice Higuma the Bear Who Looked Nothing Like A Bear But Was Called So Anyway kidnap Luffy.
Suddenly, on a Small Boat in the Ocean...
"Whoa, what the hell is this kid doing here?" said Higuma, noticing Luffy, even though he had just kidnapped the kid. "Better have a flashback."
Some annoying voice said 'Flashback!' And a bunch of pictures in black-and-white began appearing.
"OK...that kid ate the Mr. Fantastic fruit, those guys killed my guys... and the kid dissed me," said Higuma, looking at all the flashback images.
There was a long, long pause.
"Whoa, what the hell's this kid doing here? Better kick him overboard. It doesn't look like he has any reefer. Sweet, sweet reefer..."
"Er, what are you doing?" asked Luffy, as Higuma was about to kick him into the sea.
"Um...uh...not smoking reefer!" said Higuma hurriedly, and backed away.
There was another long pause.
"Whoa what the hell's this kid doing here?!" repeated Higuma. Immediately he kicked Luffy into the ocean.
"Ahhh! what did I ever do to you?" cried Luffy. Again an annoying voice said 'Flashbackkkkk!' and Luffy remembered the reason why he was deserving... um, undeserving... of this watery death.
"You smell Higuma the Bear! You smell...because you're a bear...and...bears smell bad!' dissed flashback Luffy.
"Oh yeah that's right..."
Meanwhile, Higuma was standing in the rowboat gloating his victory when a Sea Serpent began to sneak up behind him.
"Hmmm...I have the strangest feeling I'm forgetting something..." He turned around, saw the Serpent, then turned back.
"Why do I think I'm forgetting something?"
He turned around again and shrieked like a little girl, "HOLY SH#T GIANT SEA MONSTER!" And with that the Sea Monster ate him, then turned to Luffy.
"Random heroic rescue! I'll save you Luffy!" cried Shanks as he jumped into the sea. CHOMP! Shanks' left arm was now an unbleeding stump.
"Wow, how did you know I was here?" said Luffy, amazed.
"Easy, the tracking device that I put in your neck."
"So anywho, you alright?"
"Yeah...Oh my gosh! What happened to your arm?!" said Luffy, pointing to Shanks' arm.
"What? what's wrong with it?"
"Well, your left arm's fine, but your right arm is extremely long."
"Oh, that's always been like that - Holy crap, what happened to my left arm?!"
"But why isn't it bleeding?"
"You know, blood..."
"Shanks, are you a Zombie?"
"You know Luffy, I asked me dad that same question when I was your age. He didn't answer me. But I've come to find that we're all Zombies, in our own special way."
The sun began to set and very cheesy sad music started to play.
Back on Land...
"You're leaving?" asked Luffy.
"Yes, because we've depleted all the resources in this town. Now we're off to deplete the resources of another small town. Oh, and I hate you now since it's all YOUR fault that I'm dismembered." said Shanks.
"Well, I hate you too! I'm be better than you and become the King of the Pirates!"
"OK, then I'll give you me hat. After all, you need a trademark."
"What about my scar? That could be my trademark! Everyone loves scars!"
"Scars are overused. I mean, even I have one, crikey! And do you want to be known as 'Scar-Faced' Luffy?"
Shanks and crew left.
"Ten years later, Luffy sets out to become a pirate. In a small rowboat in the middle of the ocean, he is about to get sucked into a giant whirlpool" said Narrator.
"Aw, crap! I knew I should have brought scuba gear!" said Luffy.
"We also find out that he is now a complete idiot."
The One Piece ending theme (and by that, it means a short spin-off of the rap theme) played briefly.
Shanks: All right, now I'm pretty sure that this is a knife.
Luffy: (bored) Nope, it's a fork.
Shanks: well, what about this? It HAS to be a knife. It's all pointy!
...Shanks, that's a marshmallow.
There it is! Episode One! Please Review! I'll gladly accept any comments, questions, and even suggestions for future episodes!