I want to be human, so I can die?
The pain is nothing that I have felt before, I used to it but this feeling gives no agony; it is cold, comforting. For the first time of my life I will be able to sleep, it feels so good…
Was I ever alive? I don't really understand what human is. They have the same appearance as me, they talk, move, desire and feel like me. I think that they ask questions to themselves like me, only different ones because they are humans. I know if they are lonely or happy, I know if they're in pain. I think of these thoughts and look for answers like a human. Does this mean that I have a soul too? Or I'm just a doll of flesh, a body, functioning through science. Maybe the only difference of a homunculus to a human is death.
Can I really be a human? There are times when I feel that I am. All my life I have been haunted by memories, the only things that made me feel that I may have been human. But they turned my life into a living nightmare, seeing horrors while I am awake. The more I see those remnants the more I feel confused, lost and empty, I can't help but feel sad because I seem happy in those times, the images are very clear, but the feeling I can't recall, if I really was that woman.
Am I just a creature to keep her memory alive? Or an existence that keeps the remorse of the ones she left behind? One can say that she could defeat sadness, but what purpose is left for me to do so? What is happiness? How can I feel it and why should I? Maybe if I was a human I can answer my questions, as if being a human is the answer. Where do I come from and where am I going?
Are these images dreams? I closed my eyes but I don't see darkness. I see a beautiful land and humans who seem to love me, I see brothers, family. I wished that these will turn to reality, or they were reality, if the woman was me. But I feel that I was alive, seeing those that I could have loved though their names I can't remember. Love, I must have felt it even once, maybe it was those times that I answered some question, and it felt so good.
One thing for sure; I am dying. Suddenly all my confusions are gone, I feel so peaceful. Because I feel that perchance, I have crossed the barrier of a human and a homunculus. At last I can be a human at death.