Title: 20 Random Facts about Clark Kent
Author: Anissa Roy with help from Lois Joos
Rating: PG-13 for commentary about his love life and profanity.
Characters: CLOIS! Lois Lane, Jor-El, Jason and Kala, Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, Ella Lane, Martha Kent, and Lana Lang are all mentioned.
'Verse: AU Superman movieverse (Little Secrets)
Warning(s): Contains sexual innuendo and spoilers for the Little Secrets universe. OMG, we have a 'verse.
Word Count: 1,751
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters (I co-own Kala, however), and I'm not making money off of this. It's all in good fun, so please don't sue me.
Author's Note: Written for the DC Random Facts Fest. If you aren't familiar with the fanfic novel Little Secrets, I strongly suggest reading it. The gist of the story can be found by watching STM, SII, and Superman Returns, but imagine that in the last film, a) Lois had twins whom she named Jason and Kala, b) by the time she had those kids, Lois knew the entire truth about how they were conceived and chose to keep their father's secrets anyway, and c) Lois' character is derived much more from Margot Kidder's performance than from Kate Bosworth's – our Lois swears, carries a gun, and has been frequently called the ballsiest Lois in fanfic.
1) In addition to working on the school newspaper, Clark was on the yearbook staff his senior year of high school. The photography studio that takes senior pictures always submits two wallet-sized copies of every photo to the yearbook staff; just in case one gets lost or damaged, the other can be used. Clark succumbed to temptation and 'borrowed' the backup copy of Lana Lang's senior picture. He carried it in his wallet, in between two other photos where only he with his x-ray vision could see it. His still has that photo in an album in his room in Smallville, but twenty years after taking it he can't figure out how to give it back to Lana without feeling like a complete dork. And a stalker.
2) Being a country boy, Clark has a special fondness for big homemade breakfasts: bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, sausage, oatmeal, the whole nine yards. It was a rare treat for him to actually have packaged cereal, which Martha disparaged for its sugar content, and his favorite brand was Apple Jacks. He has convinced the twins to ask Mommy for the same brand, and when Lois isn't looking, Clark will still sneak a bowl of cereal in the early morning.
3) Lois bought him CK One as a joke (anything Calvin Klein in that house is a pun on Clark's initials), but he actually wears the stuff. His preferred colognes are actually Eternity or Armani Code, the latter of which is guaranteed to make Lois pounce on him.
4) Every married man keeps a picture of his wife and kids on his desktop, even if only to divert suspicion. Clark, however, has his and Lois' wedding photo in a silver frame on his desk. The twins were old enough to serve as ring bearer and flower girl in the wedding, and they're in the photo, too, both beaming at the camera. In fact, everyone in the shot is smiling with delight – though Lois' grin has a touch of irony to it, and two seconds after the shutter clicked, she rolled her eyes and muttered, "What's the point of a white dress when our kids are six years old?" Clark chose that particular photo as much for the hilarity provoked by Lois' comment as for the fact that it's a great shot of the family looking formal.
5) The other picture of Lois on Clark's desk is a candid shot. It was taken by Jimmy Olsen at great personal risk one morning, and shows Lois sitting at her messy desk, hunched over a cup of coffee. Her hair and makeup are perfect, but the expression on her face is surly as hell, one eyebrow arched in disbelief and her lip curled up in a snarl, preparatory to delivering a scathing earful of profanity to the person foolish enough to snap a picture of her before she was properly thawed out. Clark keeps this portrait of savagery in a pretty floral frame with the words "Forever Mine" on it. Lois has tried to bribe various staffers to steal or destroy it, but has had no takers yet.
6) After all these years, he's still just a little intimidated by Ella Lane. Even though she's made it very clear that she totally approves of him and loves her grandchildren without the slightest regard to the circumstances of their birth or the fact that they're half-alien, he still winds up acting like a very nervous Clark Kent around one of the few people who knows him better.
7) Much as it makes him cringe on occasion, he's inordinately proud of Lois for standing up to the hologram of his father. Particularly because she learned enough of the Kryptonian language to be able to dress Jor-El down in his native tongue.
8) If Clark wakes up in the middle of the night, whether because of a sudden sound or a dream or an emergency somewhere requiring his aid, he always has to touch Lois first thing on waking. It's the only way he can be certain that she's really there, that this life he leads, which so often seems like a dream fulfilled, is actually true.
9) When the Lane-Kent family plays board games, Clark totally pwns Chutes 'n' Ladders, much to his twins' dismay. Lois, however, kicks his ass at Risk. Clark finds it hilarious that General Lane's daughter will sit up until four in the morning (after the twins have been summarily conquered and sent to bed) muttering "March! March, you bastards!" to a bunch of plastic men in order to defend her household Risk championship title.
10) He loves running his fingers through Lois' hair, especially the fine, short strands on the back of her neck. The texture there is like silk, and Clark can simply stroke the nape of her neck for hours. This happens to drive Lois crazy, the skin there extremely sensitive. Clark not only knows that but takes shameless advantage of it.
11) On several occasions, Lois has managed to tease and goad him into saying things in bed that he never dreamed he'd say aloud, and remembering those half-whispered demands and declarations by daylight never fails to make him blush. As for the things they've done, let us simply say that his youthful fantasies have been far outstripped by reality…
12) One of the most thoughtful and intelligent men on earth and a lifelong student of human psychological, Clark still can't figure out how the heck Superman fathered a Goth chick. The fact that Kala starts dressing like the Zod Squad when she turns 13 privately horrifies him. Not that he'd ever tell his darling baby girl that, no matter how hard he finds it to call a teenager 'munchkin' when she's wearing black lipstick and more eyeliner than her mother has ever owned.
13) Seeing Lois with the kids, being the exceptional mom that she is, always reminds Clark of just whose kids those are, and how they came to exist. Those memories in turn provoke some of the most mind-blowingly awesome sex Lois and Clark have ever had, which Lois says she'll accept in lieu of the child-support he owes her for the six years he was gone from the planet.
14) He and Jason have been known to spend six hours straight playing Jenga, holding their breath as they move little wooden blocks around. The game appeals to concentration and perfectionism, traits shared by father and son. Lois, however, eventually grows sick of being repeatedly admonished for walking too loudly, and will end their tournaments by either smacking the refrigerator door shut with her hip, or by telling Kala she's allowed to jump on the bed "just this once."
15) Exceptionally well-read, Clark can't name a favorite book or favorite author. That would be narrowing the field far too much, as his tastes are eclectic. He has shared many of his favorite stories with his children, especially Kala, who adores the same fantastic tales of epic journeys that he always loved. His favorite book to read, however, has to be C.S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, because of the voice he uses for Aslan the lion. Lois is not a fan of the Narnia series herself, preferring Harry Potter, which Clark tends to roll his eyes at – another black-haired hero who can fly, even if he needs a broom to accomplish it? They both agree that Tolkien is long-winded and prefer the movies to the books.
16) Ever since learning that Perry White survived a heart attack during his absence from Earth, Clark has been surreptitiously monitoring his boss' arteries with his x-ray vision. He's always deeply admired Perry and can't imagine life at the Daily Planet without the Chief. Clark has no idea what he would actually say to Perry if he discovered a blockage during one of those scans, but if all else fails he would hand the information over to Lois and let her bully the older man into seeing a doctor based on 'feminine intuition.'
17) His first kiss happened senior year in high school, and it was a complete surprise. Lana simply walked up to him in the crowded hallway one morning, slid her arms around his neck, and kissed him very soundly. In full view of half the school as well as her then-boyfriend Brad. Clark still doesn't know why she kissed him, and twenty years later, can't even begin to ask.
18) In the span of time after their engagement, Clark winds up using his superpowers to rush Lois to the delivery room three separate times … and finds it both ironic and sad that none of those trips are for her, but for family and close friends. On a deep level, he regrets that they've been unable to have more children, but he has mostly accepted that fact and devoted himself to the twins and to the other kids in their extended family. The single greatest regret of his life, however, is that he missed the twins' childhood, and Clark does realize that he wouldn't be able to make up for that even if he and Lois were able to have more children.
19) Clark doesn't regret having chosen to live his life with Lois as Clark instead of Superman. But he really, truly, deeply wishes he had some way to tell people that Superman is taken. Or something, anything, that would convince women to stop faking heart attacks or sunbathing topless on Metropolis rooftops. It's just … embarrassing. And undignified, and the exact opposite of what he would be looking for in a woman, if he weren't very happily married. That kind of behavior infuriates Lois as well, and when Mom's not happy, nobody in the Lane-Kent house is happy.
20) In his life, he has known many superlative joys. But the greatest of all was the moment when, basking in sunlight with his rescued twins and radiating gratitude for having escaped Luthor's plans for him, Kala looked up at him with eyes so like Lois' and called him Daddy for the first time. He'd finally heard Lois confirm his suspicions earlier that tumultuous day, but to hear the words from his own child's lips made fatherhood real for him in a way nothing else could. From that day forward, Clark has considered himself utterly blessed to call the twins his own, and his love for Lois finally met its match in his love for their children.
Title: 20 Random Facts about Lois Lane
Author: Lois Joos with help from Anissa Roy
Rating: PG-13 for commentary about her love life and profanity.
Characters: CLOIS! Clark Kent, Jor-El, Jason and Kala, Sam Lane, Ella Lane, and Lucy Troupe are all mentioned.
'Verse: AU Superman movieverse (Little Secrets)
Warning(s): Contains sexual innuendo and spoilers for the Little Secrets universe. OMG, we have a 'verse.
Word Count: 1,536
1) Lois wouldn't admit it under torture, but the whole reason she started smoking was because her father found film noir femme fatales attractive. Most of them smoked, and a young Lois came to associate cigarettes with sophistication, beauty, and fatherly approval.
2) In her downtime, Lois sometimes dresses very casually, just jeans and a t-shirt. The shirts usually have a snarky or sarcastic slogan on them, something like "I'm right, you're wrong, get over it" or "People like you are the reason people like me need medication." Clark is appropriately horrified.
3) When Sam died, Lois told her mother and sister that she would not attend his funeral – at that point, father and daughter hadn't spoken in over two years. No amount of arguing, cajoling, or in Lucy's case, threats, could change Lois' mind. It was only after the military personnel and the new widow had left that Lucy, lingering by her dad's grave, caught a glimpse of her older sister standing on a hill. It turned out that Lois had watched the entire graveside service from that distance, but she swore Lucy to secrecy.
4) To this day, Lois refuses to participate in family visits to Sam's grave and has never been back to the cemetery … except for once just before her marriage to Clark. At that visit, she intended to merely inform him of her impending wedding to his grandchildren's father, but wound up pouring out her heart. All of her bitterness and frustration were summed up in two sentences: "You were wrong about me – you were so wrong about me, you had all my front-page stories in your office for years, but you could had to be General Lane and never admit you were wrong. That's why you missed everything in my life, and I wish I could say I don't care about you, I don't care about any of it … but I can't."
5) Lois detests breakfast food on general principle; eating in the morning just wastes time she could better use sleeping. Of course, her principles are defeated by the fact that she sometimes takes lunch as early as ten o'clock – once, famously, at nine. The only exceptions to the anti-breakfast rule are when traveling or on Saturday, when the twins plead for her to join them in the morning meal.
6) Concerned by the fact that she misses that all-important morning meal, Clark has resorted to sneaking protein bars into her purse, briefcase, or pockets as she heads out of the house each morning. Lois has a drawer in her desk that's completely full of the stupid protein bars – it happens to be the locked drawer where she hides her emergency flask of vodka.
7) Years after the fact, Lois learned something disturbing about the apartment she lived in back when she first met Clark. It turns out that it was never rent-controlled as she always supposed; her father paid half the rent. Ella Lane bullied him into doing it because he had driven Lois out of their house at sixteen years old, and after his death Ella quietly continued the payments.
8) She was a fan of Thomas Harris' books, reading Red Dragon and The Silence of the Lambs in a single marathon session each. The suspense and psychological drama of both novels compelled her. When Hannibal came out, she read that as well, immediately absorbed in the tense interplay of characters. At the conclusion of the book, Lois was stunned to realize that she found the ultimate pairing of Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling not only believable, but strangely triumphant. In a weird way, they struck her as a perfect couple. Years later, though, after having been kidnapped by Lex Luthor, the reporter couldn't bear to read any of the series, and all three Harris novels wound up donated to Goodwill.
9) Lois can't stand baseball, but when Clark and the twins go to Monarchs games she always checks the score before they get home. That way she knows what kind of mood they'll be in and whether the rest of her night will be spent bored to tears listening to excited retellings of great plays, or bored to tears listening to the trio bemoan some pitcher's incompetence.
10) No matter how she feels, whether exhausted, a bit sick, or truly ill, Lois will have her caffeine. Even if she's nauseous and knows the coffee will come right back, she still has to drink it – some vital amount of that caffeine gets absorbed during the few minutes it's in her stomach, right? Clark, observing the inevitability of this (and Lois' indescribably foul mood on being denied coffee), has purchased a mug for her that reads, "There's too much blood in my caffeine stream."
11) Lois never had a favorite brand of shampoo or perfume until she lived in Paris. There she discovered perfumers who could custom-blend a fragrance for her, and fell in love with the blend of rose, sandalwood, clove, and amber that they eventually developed. She's special-ordered all her bath stuff from them ever since.
12) Lois never ceases to be amazed at how often people can mispronounce a name with only four letters. This goes for herself (she is neither Louis nor Louise) as well as Kala (not Kayla).
13) For all of her aggressiveness and domineering behavior in all other aspects of her life, Lois absolutely loves it when Kal-El takes control in bed. She would never actually admit that aloud, however.
14) When Lois lived in her apartment, she found a cute fluffy kitten wandering outside the Daily Planet building one day, and brought him home in spite of her no-pets clause. Naming him Elroy, she successfully hid him from the landlord for several years. When she finally got busted taking him to the vet for his shots, she had to give him to her sister. This makes Elroy one of the two cats in her famous commentary about Lucy's life: "Three kids, two cats, and one mortgage – yech! I'd go bananas in a week!"
15) Lois never thought she was pretty as a child; that was Lucy, of the golden hair and blue eyes and heart-shaped face. Lois decided early that she had to find something else to make her memorable. Ironically, the character and drive she developed to counteract what she considered her plainness have elevated her striking features into the realm of stunning beauty. Even Lucy is jealous of her sister's looks and would be startled to know that Lois still thinks her younger sister is far prettier.
16) Lois was not a virgin when she met Clark – she'd had relatively few lovers, but she wasn't pure as the driven snow by any stretch of the imagination. However, as adventurous as she was, there are still things she has never done with any man but Kal-El, most of them related to intimacy or control. She has never kept eye contact with anyone else as she fell from the pinnacle of pleasure, never allowed anyone else to pin her down (and reacted violently to attempts to do so), and never wept from sheer extraordinary pleasure with any other man.
17) When Clark first met her, Lois' hair was flat-ironed because that was the current style. It's naturally wavy, and after the twins were born, she didn't have the time or inclination to put that much effort into it. When she came back to Metropolis, everyone liked the new look, so she let the hair stay wavy.
18) Lois still has the blue-chiffon evening gown she wore on that first interview with Superman. Many times during his absence she contemplated giving it away, cutting it to ribbons, or burning it, but she could never quite bring herself to do so. It has lurked at the back of the spare closet in a garment bag for years, with Richard unaware of its existence or significance.
19) Surprisingly, the strongest person in Lois' world isn't Superman. It's her mother, Ella Lane. Not only did Ella persevere through the trials of raising two daughters (one of them headstrong) while married to an active-duty general, she has also beaten cancer twice. The family doesn't make any particular mention of it, Ella having been in remission for several years, but Lois makes a monthly contribution to breast cancer research.
20) As depressed as she was during her pregnancy, as unprepared as she was for the twins' birth, and as terrified as she was that she would turn out to be an awful, cold-hearted mother, Lois fell madly in love with Jason and Kala the moment they were handed to her in the delivery room. She'd be embarrassed if forced to admit it, but she did all the cutesy new-mom stuff: nuzzling noses with them, playing with their toes, waking up in the middle of the night and just staring at them with love thudding so hard in her chest that it seemed she couldn't breathe. Lois never imagined she could love anything or anyone as much as she loved Kal-El, and was shocked every day to realize that the twins came first in her own heart, even before her own life and cherished independence.