Dante's Divine Sitcom

Warnings: Spoilers out the ass. Don't read if you haven't watched all the episodes. Seriously, click off this story RIGHT NOW. It won't make as much sense and it will ruin all sorts of stuff for you, right off the bat. (Animeverse)

A/N: Guess who's back? That's right, Sinpathetic Kallie!

FullMetal Alchemist AMVs will do that to me.

Now, as anyone who's ever spent much time in my Naruto stuff knows, I love dysfunctional families and really minor characters. Naturally, I whole-heartedly believe that Bradley deserved an episode to develop his character... I felt we were ENTITLED to it, after all the time we spent on Nina-Tucker-the-completely-unimportant-token-tragic-girl, not to mention Ed's never ending flashbacks that never bring anything new to the plot. But it never happened, so I'm correcting that.

Chapter 1: Envy's Life Gets a Little Stranger

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Greed realized he had been tricked the instant the prison door slammed shut behind him. "Envy! Mom!"

"Master, Greed," gloated Envy's voice on the other side of the iron portal. "You know how much she hates it when you call her Mom."

"Hey! Let me out! Let me out, or throw me a magazine!"

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A quiet little knock echoed against the door of the laboratory. "Master? You haven't come out of there in three days... is everything ok?"

"No, everything is wonderful! Everything is superb, everything is excellent!" sang Dante from the study. "Come in here, Envy, I want you to see something!"

Envy's indulgent smile turned to shock fairly quickly as he approached the youthful-looking (key word looking) woman and she spun around to reveal she was holding a baby.

"AH! The hell? Did you get knocked up?"

"Envy, say hello to Pride," she cooed, jostling the infant gently.

"You've been working on a Pride for the past ten years, and all you come up with is this?"

"Oh, shush," Dante scolded, batting at her son-slash-servant with her free hand. "He's going to grow up and take over the country, aren't you, sweetie-poo?"

"Mom, he's an infant," Envy said flatly.

"Isn't he cute?"

"Mom, even assuming that he could grow, we are not going to be able to raise an infant in such a way that he will grow up to be a normal, functioning member of society. God, you and Father barely raised me to be able to fend for myself, and that was back when you two were still sane!"

"Well, I could create him grown-up, like you were, or I could give him the ability to age like a human. Here, Envy, hold him, I need to brush my teeth... My breath stinks..."

"Able to age?" the homunculus asked, slinging the baby over one hip absently and following Dante to the bathroom. "What kind of useless power is that?"

The alchemist gurgled something without spitting out her mouthwash, then closed the bathroom door in his face, so Envy turned his attention to the newest member of his family.

The baby reached up and tried to grab a strand of his hair, and missed by about a yard. Envy actually laughed. "You want my hair, do you?" he cooed, holding the child closer so it could reach. It tried again, missing by the same distance.

"Slow learner, huh?" Envy chuckled, dangling the desired lock of hair inches in front of baby Pride's nose... only to have the infant grab at something in the distance. Envy inspected the child more closely. "Hey, Mom?"

"Master!" corrected Dante from inside the bathroom.

"Yeah, "Master", uh, is there something wrong with his eyes?"

"Of course not! I'm sure that the one with the symbol is just as functional as the other."

"... then why is he acting like he has no depth perception?"

"I don't know, Envy, maybe it's normal. It has been a little while since I've had a baby to care for."

Envy stared at the child trying, still very unsuccessfully, to reach his hair. "Master, this is gonna take a long time."

"Well, we've got all the time in the world, Envy. I'm sure we'll manage."