by Marie-Claude Danis
FEEDBACK: Would be delightful.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just ask.
SPOILERS: "The Fall's Gonna Kill You"
SUMMARY: CJ walks home. Set at the end of TFGKY.
* * *
It's a gorgeous night, crisp and windy and uneventful - like the proverbial calm before the storm - and all I can think about is the little mistake I made back there. I shouldn't have said it like that, but like I mentioned earlier I don't always think things through when I talk, which can be a considerable problem for a gal in my position. I was driving a point home, and hit Josh on my way there. But then Josh is always in the way. So very hard to ignore. I freaked him out a little just now, and suddenly I start to wonder when this job has become all about, you know... biting it.
When I got into this it was about doing something good, and maybe kinda proving myself on the way there. Now it's all we can do to go home at night alive. It's true; you've got Sam falling off things, Josh getting in the way yet again and getting himself shot, and now the big guy's crippled too, and he might just take us all down with him.
If we lose... well, we lose. We go home. Some of us might never be great again, some of us might get right back on the horse. Whatever the outcome of it is, in a few decades, it'll just be a thing that happened to us once, when we were mighty. But then you have to think about the President, who's gonna go home and keep having MS, and for him and Abbey, it'll always be about that. There's no moving on for them, this is it. The pace at which they'll go is the only variant they can look forward to. And that, I'm sorry, is pretty darn depressing.
Oh, but there's more. Wait for it. Then you've got Charlie, who will always know he was meant to die that night; you've got Sam, who will keep taking his pills and keep tripping over things; and you've got Josh, who'll keep flinching when I say stupid things to his face, because it turns out I don't have that much tact for a girl.
You're not gonna die, Josh. Jesus, you're not gonna die again. Don't listen to me and the words I spew out at random. You know me, I'm all over the place. You're usually the only one who can tell. But fear beget fear, didn't you know? Yeah.
Follow me home, Josh.
But what comes out of my mouth is something else entirely, and nobody's surprised there. It's a wonder I ever got to where I am today. I can smack people around all day, watch me. Then watch me go home alone. It's pretty funny.