Daria and all related characters belong to MTV/Viacom. No profit is derived from the release of this work.
Author's Note: I came from a high school where admitting you sewed, crafted or did anything yourself made you a pariah. This certainly colored my perspective of the fashion club.
Act I: Scene I:
Morgendorffer living room. Quinn is on the phone, Daria has her nose in a book, trying to ignore her. She is reading 1984 by George Orwell.
Quinn: You're right Sandy, it is unbelievable. I don't know HOW Tiffany found a shirt to go with those shoes when you bought the last one. She OBVIOUSLY had to have ordered it from somewhere -
Daria: Maybe she got them from space aliens in exchange for her brain.
Quinn: Shut UP Daria! God, I can't have a conversation around you... oh, just my weird cousin that stays here...hahaha, no Sandi, I don't think it's genetic. I think she was adopted or something.
Daria makes an angry face.
Quinn: Oh hang on, I've got another call. Hello? Oh... hands the phone to Daria It's Jane. Hurry up, I still have Sandi on the other line and we are having a fashion authenticity-crisis.
Daria: Yes, you know how genuine people in the fashion industry have to be... Quinn rolls her eyes. Hello?
Jane: So the lovely lady is in, rather than out with young Thomas?
Daria: He had some country club thing with his parents. I'm home, listening
to the Fashion Fascist version of Scooby-Doo and the case of the matching shirts.
Jane: Sounds fascinating in a brain-dead sort of way. Since your attentions are undivided, how about you go with me to pick up supplies for an art project?
Daria: We don't have to go to that warehouse again, do we?
Jane: Not at all!
Quinn: Yes, I DO think this calls for an emergency meeting! We have to maintain our integrity!
Daria: I'll be there in half an hour.
Quinn: Daria, what do you think of -
Daria: Scratch that. I'll be there in ten seconds, running for my life.
Daria: Quinn wants advice about fashion.
Act I: Scene 2
Jane and Daria are in Jonah's Fabric Shop, and the logo out front says : A whale of fabric and sewing choices. There are women, mostly middle aged to elderly looking at fabrics and asking about patterns.
Jane: What? No sarcastic remarks about the slaves to fashion?
Daria: I would but I don't see any. Why are we here again?
Jane: Textiles. I want to make a canvas exploring the symbolic qualities of paisley. Those look good.
Daria steps back to let Jane by, and bumps into someone. She turns around, and sees Tiffany, a hand full of patterns, aghast at being seen.
Daria: Oh! Excuse me!
Tiffany clutches some patterns to her chest and runs away.
Jane: What was with her?
Daria: Looks to me like a major fashion-code violation. Sewing the latest fashions - shockingly innovative.
Jane: Oh well, I guess the fashion fascists will never know she can actually think for herself.
Daria: Even while using the ability to maintain the illusion she's letting them think for her.
Jane: I'm done hunting textiles. Want to go get a slice?
Act I: Scene 3
Jane and Daria are at pizza place. They see Tiffany with all the Fashion Club, including Quinn. Sandi is trying, and failing, to hit on Tom. Tom sees Jane and Daria and yells to them.
Tom: Daria! (In a help me! voice from the Fly.) Daria and Jane walk over to the booth.
Daria: I thought you were at your parents' club for the weekend.
Tom: I was, but then the caviar went bad and a bunch of people got sick so we all had to leave. I tried to call you, and your dad said you might be here.
Sandi: (Inserting herself between them.) Gee, Quinn's cousin or something, I was trying to have a conversation here...
Tom: And I was trying to end it. Takes Daria's hand, pulls her into booth next to him. This is my girlfriend.
Sandi: What!? Um... Geez, Tom, you could just tell me you're not interested instead of insulting me like that!
Tom: You are the insult.
Sandi walks away in a huff.
Jane: Wow. Looks like she's so traumatized she might need new shoes.
Daria: It's the closest she'll get to ever having a soul.
Tom: Soul, shoe. I get it.
Jane: She'll catch someone wearing knee socks at the wrong length and get over it.
Fashion club is staring, shocked, except Quinn, who is smiling.
Act I: Scene 4
Sandi is in her room, fuming over what Tom said to her. The girls are all primping or flipping through magazines.
Sandi: I can't believe him. If he wanted to say no, he could have just said no, instead of insulting me and saying he was going with that weird girl that lives with Quinn.
Quinn: (Nervous laugh.) Uh, Sandi, he IS dating Daria.
Sandi: What!? And you didn't tell us about this?
Quinn: Well, no, it's just some weird thing that my, um, cousin does. I don't know why he's with her.
Sandi: That is just an injustice!
Tiffany: Yeah, it's totally wrong. He belongs with someone, like, attractive.
Sandi: I vote we do something about it! And Quinn, since she is your like, cousin or something, you are responsible for seeing it through.
Quinn: laughs nervously uh, but Sandi, isn't messing with someone's relationship like, bad karma or something?
Sandi: Obviously all that tutoring last summer warped your brain. May I remind you that fashion club philosophy requires us to assert ourselves as those who decide what is and isn't permissible in fashion at Lawndale. And boyfriends are a fashion statement!
Stacy: Ohmigod, Jimmy might not be good enough!
Sandi: NeverMIND that Stacey, this situation with Daria is FAR more serious.
Stacy: Eep! I'm sorry.
Scene closes focusing on Quinn, laughing nervously, looking at the fashion club as though they are wolves closing in on a kill.
Act II: Scene 1:
Daria is sitting at the kitchen table with Jake, ignoring each other over their respective papers. Quinn enters.
Quinn: Daria, could you like, do me a favor and not be seen in public
with Tom for awhile?
Daria: (Puts down paper, obviously angry.) Yes, because it matters so much
to YOU that I actually be with someone you like. It doesn't matter, you've
been so careful not to tell them I'm your sister.
Jake: Quinn says you're not her sister?
Daria: No, Dad, she keeps insisting I'm her mother and that she was hatched.
Jake: Oh, ha ha, funny. That was a joke, right?
Daria and Quinn both give their father a look. Daria gets up from the table.
Daria: I will go out with and be seen with who I want. If it's an inconvenience for you Quinn, too bad! (Daria goes up the stairs to her room, and slams the door.)
Quinn: Da-ad, go talk to her! Her going out with Tom in PUBLIC is going to ruin things for me in the fashion club!
Jake: Now Quinn, your sister has every right to go where she wants on dates. Not like poor Jakey, he had to be wherever he was told. (Ranting)
Quinn rolls her eyes and walks away. Quinn follows Daria up the stairs to her bedroom.
Daria: Now what? Do you want BOTH my bootlaces to hang me with for this fashion violation?
Quinn: Daria, I'm actually happy for you. You just don't appreciate how much work it is for me to be attractive and popular -- it's not like you have to work at being smart.
Daria: No, I just have to work at putting up with you.
Quinn: Look, there is one way I can get you and me off the hook.
Daria: I'm not ON the hook. This is all about you.
Quinn: FINE. Can you please do this one thing for me?
Daria stares at her in stony silence.
Quinn: Fifty bucks.
Quinn: You get the car next weekend.
Quinn: My laptop.
Act II: Scene 2
Jane's bedroom. Daria is sitting on the bed, Jane is gluing something to her canvas, with the infamous glue gun.
Daria: So the fashion drones are now threatening Quinn's status if I don't stop seeing Tom.
Jane: Leave it to them to pick up on Social Darwinism. I feel left out that the Gestapo overlooked me.
Daria: I'm getting so sick of this. Things are finally not weird with you, I have a guy in my life who is tolerable, and now my sister wants me to give it up because it's a risk to her popularity.
Jane: You don't have to listen to her.
Daria: I'm not! I just don't understand why I can't just be happy for once.
Trent enters, looking groggy.
Trent: Hey Daria, Hey Jane.
Daria and Jane: Hey
Jane: What brings you to this end of the house, oh brother of mine?
Trent: I thought I heard somebody, so I checked. I haven't seen you in awhile, Daria. Where's Tom? Don't you all usually hang out together?
Daria: Taking a break from muffyland and evading a new fashion invasion.
Trent: (Laughs/coughs) Hey, do you guys want some pizza?
Jane: I thought you had practice?
Trent: Not tonight. I don't think.
Jane: Then sure, we can go for pizza. We were actually about to head that way anyway, we just need to make a quick stop first.
Trent: I can give you guys a ride - where to?
Jane: Jonah's Fabrics. Daria, could you grab my camera?
Daria and Jane are sitting across from Trent at the Pizza King. Sandi marches up to her table.
Sandi: Um, Quinn's cousin or something?
Sandi: It is my duty to inform you that you have violated the social code and dated someone who is not a fashion match. We can't allow this. Since we can't punish YOU as YOU are unFASHionable beyond all hope, we are forced to dismiss Quinn. I hope you feel guilty for this travesty, and will in the future consider dating someone more in your league.
Jane: We're sorry. I forgot to tell her about getting the permit.
Daria: Sandi, you might want to rethink throwing Quinn out of the fashion club. After all, you may need new leadership soon.
Sandi: And how do YOU have the authority to say that? You're wearing a jacket that is so last season, it ruins your credibility. Grunge is so over.
Daria pulls some pictures out of her jacket pocket.
Daria: I have here some pictures of two prominent members of the esteemed Fashion Club shopping at a sewing store - hm, we see Tiffany, and gee, that looks like you.
Sandi: (Gasps, then recovers.) Those could be faked, and anyway, it's not like I would ever SEW my clothes.
Jane holds up videotape
Jane: That's why I bought the security tapes that rolled during the weekly sewing lessons over at Jonah's. Looks like you and Tiffany are actually developing some talent -- at least, Tiffany is anyway. And look here, there's the sign up sheet and anonymous sources confirm that that's your writing.
Sandi: (Takes a step back.) My mother just made me take that class so I would quit running up her credit card having my pants hemmed. Don't you DARE show anyone! I'll ruin you!
Daria: Yes, because ruining me would have such a big effect on my life.
Sandi starts crying, almost Stacy style.
Daria: (Relents) Leave me alone. Leave Tom alone. And don't drag Quinn in on this; it's not like she has any connection to me.
Sandi: FINE! (Stomps away.)
Daria sees Quinn, hiding in the corner of her booth with her date of the moment. She winks at her. Quinn winks back.
Camera focuses on Daria's Mona Lisa smile, lalalalala credits.