Title: Yuuri's Bad Day
Summary: Yuuri knew it was going to be a bad day the moment he awoke, with his head underneath Wolfram's nightgown and no idea how it got there. Yuuram. Complete Crackfic.
Disclaimer: I don't own KKM.
A/N: I found this fic half written and decided to take the time to finish it. I'm not entirely sure if it was originally going to be a complete crackfic, but it definitely turned into one. Hope you like, anyway.
Yuuri knew it was going to be a bad day the moment he awoke, his head underneath Wolfram's nightgown and an odd, clucking noise coming from the doorway where a shocked Gunter stood before fainting dramatically into a pile.
He tried to disentangle himself from Wolfram without the blond noticing, and then to recall his full memory from the night before. As far as he could remember, he'd fallen asleep as per usual with Wolfram beside him and his current situation could be due to no more than bizarre sleep movements. Yuuri sincerely hoped Wolfram wouldn't wake and think Yuuri was taking advantage of him.
Sure enough, the moment he had thought it, there was a scramble as Wolfram jumped up onto his knees - apparently surprised by the intrusion - making a sound that could have been a battle cry. This only got Yuuri caught up further, and he found himself staring face to face with his fiance, both inside the latter's nightgown.
"Good morning?" Yuuri tried meekly. Wolfram turned red and looked like he was going to explode. Yuuri was pushed away violently as Wolfram shouted things like "invasion of privacy" and "should've asked, you wimp".
Yuuri could feel himself blushing furiously (it hadn't been his fault!) and he was slightly unnerved that although glaring at him and yanking his nightie up considerably harder than he would have done normally, Wolfram looked rather pleased.
"...but really, this is why you shouldn't wear a nightgown, Wolfram-"
Wolfram hit him. Hard. Yuuri wondered what he'd said wrong for a moment, and then leapt out of bed to get away and clear up the Gunter shaped mess preventing the door from closing properly.
Wolfram didn't come down to breakfast, so Yuuri had to endure endless teasing from Yozak, constant reassurances from Conrad, Anissina's offer to create him a love potion for Wolfram and Gwendal's death glare. He was told that the maids had caught Wolfram and him "at it" whilst they were checking on Gunter, who was now lying in the infirmatory, recovering (Yuuri supposed they'd seen Wolfram and him struggling inside the nightgown and assumed something far less innocent than what had actually taken place). When Yuuri asked where his daughter and Cheri were, he was informed by Conrad that they'd gone out together to pick wedding dresses for the royal couple and weren't expected back until evening, and Yuuri gave up his last hope for sanity.
He'd been intending to spend the day playing baseball with Conrad, but found himself facing several desk high piles of paperwork before he'd even managed to sneak back to his room and get his bat. Yuuri sighed, resigned... at least this didn't require thinking.
Gwendal seemed quite eager to keep Yuuri working until the end of time - or at least nightfall. Apparently, the idea of the Maou and Gwendal's youngest brother was too much to consider - Yuuri noticed him rubbing his forehead a lot more than usual, and when Anissina walked in and announced that Gwendal ought to be her latest test subject for her memory loss contraption, Gwendal didn't fight as hard as usual.
Yuuri continued to sign papers, but was mildly distracted when Anissina's device did not, as she said it would, erase the bad memories, but instead make you think you were someone completely different. Yuuri watched Gwendal perform a solo tapdance before bursting into a chorus of "I believe I can fly" and jumping out of the window. Anissina, looking slightly worried, clambered after him.
Around midday, Yuuri looked up from his papers to see Conrad entering his study. Yuuri wondered vaguely if Conrad had forgotten the morning's events and wanted to play baseball now, but this thought was squashed by Conrad's peculiar forlorn expression.
"Your Majesty, we need to talk-"
"It's Yuuri," said Yuuri automatically, wondering what Conrad was going to say.
"Sorry, Yuuri. Regarding the situation with Wolfram," Conrad cleared his throat and looked about a quarter as embarassed as Yuuri felt, "what you two did isn't custom in this world until after marriage. Surely Wolfram told you that?"
"Bleughurhgh!" was the strangled sound that came out of Yuuri's mouth. He had been intending to say 'we didn't do anything!' but he was tongue tied in his embarassment.
"I know that in your world it's different, but as Maou of this world, it would be best if you were setting an example. Gwendal would like to see that the wedding is moved forward to next week, and Mother has agreed to be the chief organiser."
Yuuri wasn't quite sure what to say, he let out a sigh of exasperation.
"And also, Yuuri-"
Yuuri shivered, already suspecting what was coming next.
"Please call me Your Majesty again, Conrad."
At least this way Yuuri could shut his eyes and pretend that Conrad was giving somebody else "the talk".
Feeling faintly sick, Yuuri escaped just as the sun was setting. He'd had sex education at school, but it had never been quite that detailed. Yuuri was given the distinct impression that Conrad talked from experience, whatever the "customs" were.
He sincerely hoped he wouldn't run into Gisela anytime soon, for Conrad had apologised that she had the diagrams and had added that Yuuri really ought to go and see her, just to make sure he knew where everything down there was. He'd huffed, because he did know where everything was down there, thank you very much.
At that moment, Yuuri caught a glimpse of green hair coming around the corner and immediately decided to take refuge through a door to the right side of the corridor that Yuuri had never realised was there before. There was a triumphant sound as he leapt in and the door shut behind him despite Yuuri having not pulled it shut - he realised too late that he was in a small closet with barely enough room for one person, let alone two, as he found himself not alone.
He blinked stupidly. "Wolfram?"
Then he tried to smack his head against something, preferably the side of the closet to have it break open and free him. Hell, he'd go to Gisela - he didn't care anymore, just as long as he didn't have to face his fiance (who was looking a little peeved off now) after the morning and the subsequent announcement of an early marriage and the sex talk.
Yuuri managed to hit his head by tossing it back like a madman. Unfortunately, afterwards he was still conscious and now felt a hundred times worse.
"Wimp!" uttered Wolfram angrily, "what did you do that for?"
Yuuri couldn't bring himself to explain how in the heat of the moment, he had thought it was a good idea.
"Why are you in here too?" asked Yuuri, now feeling slightly saner.
Wolfram tossed back his blond hair, "it seems the maids are conspiring against us," and Yuuri was suddenly alerted to the triumphant cheer he had heard when he'd jumped into the cupboard with Wolfram, and the giggles still present to the side of him, "when I get out of here I'll have them all fired... or you will."
"Wolfram," began Yuuri slowly, suddenly very aware that they were pressed uncomfortably close to each other and that a strand of Wolfram's hair was tickling his cheek, "can't you just, um, burn this thing down and get us out?"
Wolfram made a sound that suggested annoyance, "because," he said, as though talking to a ten year old (although he never treated Greta like she was ridiculously stupid) "your inferior human body wouldn't be able to cope and you'd die."
"Hey!" said Yuuri defensively, but couldn't come up with a come back. Wolfram was oh, so dangerously close - it was affecting his thoughts. He could hardly breathe... was it Wolfram's presence or the airtight closet they were stuck within?
"Yuuri, why are you-bleigmmm."
Wolfram couldn't continue, for Yuuri leaned in and kissed him at that exact moment. He wasn't entirely sure what the hell he was doing, only that his oxygen-deprived brain was urging him forward and telling him this was what he wanted to do. Yuuri had succumbed to instinct and now, after the initiation, hoped that Wolfram would take charge of the situation like he usually did. Sure enough, the mazoku prince closed his eyes and returned the fierce kiss, his confidence and passion making up for Yuuri's lack of technique or... well... experience.
Finally, Wolfram pulled back, although Yuuri was disappointed for the kiss to end.
"Stop trying to choke me," he said.
This was all Yuuri needed, kissing lessons from Wolfram. Yuuri was just about to retort that it was he who was the king when his words were lost and he kissed his fiance again, taking into account those words. Wolfram murmured something against his mouth, but Yuuri was far too wrapped up in him to notice the closet doors swing open and a newly recovered Gunter fall, shocked, to the floor again.
When the kiss broke, Yuuri was terrified to see both a smirking, self-assured Wolfram and a surprised but otherwise delighted Gisela, who had ignored her adoptive father lying on the floor. The maids had also formed an audience around them - honestly, was the king not allowed a private life?
"Both of you," Gisela said, still beaming, "we've all heard about the early wedding. Congratulations. I've been told that Yuuri inquired about some diagrams I happen to have with me?"
"Early wedding?!" spluttered Wolfram.
"Diagrams?!" spluttered Yuuri at the same time, then he noticed Wolfram's expression and let out a gurgle of fear a split second before the blond hit him and yelled, "why didn't you tell me, you wimp!"
Gisela watched the royal couple in amusement. The maids had long since all melted into a pile of goo, being the yaoi fangirls that they were.
"And this one here, allows easier access - although not so mutually comfortable - requires a bit of a stretch, but I'm sure Lord Wolfram's up to the task..."
Yuuri heard Gisela's words every now and then, but his mind was still whirring and asking him how the hell he had wound up in the infirmatory, listening to Gisela narrate impossible looking diagrams of sexual positions and holding hands with a very excited looking Wolfram.
He groaned loudly.
"Pay attention, wimp," said Wolfram, who himself was being much more attentive than usual.
Yuuri sighed. This sort of thing only happened to him... and 'wimp' had to be the least affectionate pet name ever.
By dinner, Yuuri had never felt less hungry. He hadn't known there were so many different ways to have sex, Cheri had managed to force both him and Wolfram into wedding dresses whilst Greta had cried that they both looked so beautiful and thrown flowers at them, and Wolfram's hand was currently doing something both entirely inappropriate and rather distracting to him under the dining table.
Gwendal had finally been restored back to his usual stoic self by Anissina, but now looked gravely ill. Perhaps this was the after effect of Instant-And-Virtually-Painless-Memory-Loss-kun, as Anissina had suggested brightly, but Yuuri privately felt it was more to do with the commander walking in on the sex position discussion so soon after getting his memory back.
Yuuri looked at his plate and wondered whether all his food would from now on seem to resemble certain parts of the male anatomy, and yes, he knew every single name of every single part, because Gisela had set the two of them a final exam (which, worryingly, Yuuri had failed the first time around and had to take a second time).
He announced he was going to bed just as Yozak appeared in a cooking apron (the maids would be out of action for some time), telling him to halt and that dessert would soon be served. He managed a couple of mouthfuls of dessert before he realised that the resemblance between the food and ahem - other things - was entirely intentional, and he was all prepared to go Maou on Yozak when Wolfram whispered something deliciously inviting into his ear and Yuuri decided to let the whole thing slide.
Wolfram pulled Yuuri to his feet and the two of them scrambled away, knocking over a heavily bandaged Gunter in the corridor on their way out.
All in all, Yuuri reflected to himself that evening, it had been a pretty good day after all.