By Em and Kysra
8334 Bratwurst Blvd.
Hillshire, VA 79563
Thank you so much for contacting us at Hillshire Farms. We love meat, and we are proud to share our products and enjoyment with fellow meat-lovers like you. Your letter and video diary have been an inspiration and a delight to our employees nationwide. To see such vibrant passion and affection for the fruits of our labor is the purest of rewards.
In fact, we were so affected by your zeal and enthusiasm that we would like to invite you to star in our upcoming ad campaign. If you are interested, please contact our offices (all contact information is attached and our secretary is anxiously awaiting your call).
We have also provided an incentive package sheet for your perusal. Please note the life-time supply of all Hillshire Farm all-natural, all-beef products; the ten year free lunch pass to any Arby's restaurant in the world; and an all expenses paid tour of our home facility.
Again, thank you so much, and please consider our offer. Your sheer energy and honesty would be a great asset to our company. We look forward to hearing from you!
CEO, Hillshire Farms
P.S. GO MEAT!
From Kysra: As Em said before, when she saw that commercial, she just HAD to share the hilarity and since I'm such a Cy fangirl, I was absolutely convinced that her vision necessitated a cracky prose reality XD That being said, I take full responsibility for the idea that Cy would not only become a zealot of Hillshire Farm for their consideration and understanding of Meat Fanaticism, he would also let them know – in ways only a techy like Cy could – just how much he LURVES them and their meaty, meaty food.
It's only logical that the folks over at Hillshire Farms offer someone with that level of devotion a place among the fold.
That being said, MY GOD it was hard to keep it sounding (mostly) serious, like an honest to God office memo. I wanted to go full on crackiness, but I guess YOU, dear reader, can guess what Cy's response will be. In fact, I think he's packing his bags now.
After all, the Blue Mold Infested Frig of DOOM has NOTHING on these guys.
(By the way, Brad Moscowicz and that address – totally fake.)