TITLE: Don't Know Which Way to Turn
SUMMARY: Now that Reid has dealt with his horror from the Tobias Henkel case it is JJ's turn. She must overcome the nightmares of the dogs and she must finally overcome the guilt that she is carrying around for what happened to Reid.
CATEGORY: Friendship / Hurt/Comfort / Angst / Tragedy / Drama / Crime / Spiritual
It was opposed to be simple.
How can the simplest things in life can always turned out to be the most complicated?
We went on just a typical and simple house with a witness who was walking his dog at the time of a kidnapping. We were just going to ask if he had seen anything out of the ordinary that was all. Simple. Too the point. But that turned into the most life altering moment of my life; and not only my life but my partners.
When that door had slammed on us all we had too do was walk back to the SUV and climb in and drive on our way. But I decided to peek through the window and I saw all the video camas and he had caught me. I was so excited that perhaps I had caught our unsub that I convinced my partner to follow me to the barn in which the unsub had ran towards. No I didn't convince her, I made her follow. What a coup in my own head if I and JJ were able to capture the unsub on our own; than Hotch and the team would know that we could handle the tough cases and be in the lime light. I wanted to prove to Gideon that I had learned well from everything he had taken time to teach me. But all I did was in danger not only myself but JJ also. We weren't wearing our vests. We didn't even have the damn things in the SUV. No all we had were our guns, that was it.
But still there was time to walk no run back to the SUV and climb in and drive away down the road and call the team and just wait for the team to arrive. Than we would have gotten our vests on and than headed back to the Henkel farm and captured Tobias and brought him in and questioned him at the police station.
Simple. But no I Spenser Reid wasn't simple. No I was the genius and I wanted to impress JJ not only with my mind; but with the authority I had and I wanted to bring Tobias Henkel in without the team, I wanted JJ to look at me and finally realize that I was strong enough to protect her. That I was truly the man for her.
So I told her that I was going to go around back and she would come in from the front and we would have the unsub trapped and we would be able to bring him in nice and easy. I didn't give her a chance to reply I just rushed around the back of the barn and I arrived in time to see the unsub run towards the corn field. I didn't have enough time to yell for JJ to follow me as I gave chase. That was the biggest mistake of my life; and I live to regret it every day of my life. Once in the corn field I learned that Tobias Henkel had spilt personality and that he was himself, his dead father, Charles, and the arch angel Rafael. I suddenly heard JJ scream my name and I heard gun shots, I thought Tobias had gotten to her so I run as fast as I could back out of the corn field; but I didn't get far before Tobias knocked be onto my ass and told me that he was going to kill me.
The next thing I knew I was in a freezing cold hunting cabin and Tobias was toutching me. I thought Tobias had killed JJ, so I had no hope left on getting out of the situation alive. Even if I did than I would live with the guilt that I had led JJ too her death for the rest of my life. So when Tobias drugged me I didn't put up too much of a fight. But I wasn't willing to play Tobias … sorry Charles game and pick the victim to die. But two people died because I wasn't strong enough to fight Tobias and end his killing spree. But than Gideon came on scene and he told me that it wasn't my fault and that they were still searching for me and not to give up hope. But I had killed JJ so all hope for me was all lost. So I was relieved yet again when Tobias came and drugged me up once more, so I could return to my mother.
Than Charles demanded that I picked one of my team to die. I didn't. I held out as long as I could than I finally said Hotch and rattled off the reasons why and I quoted a scripture. Wrong. In hopes that Hotch would understand why I had to pick him. I was than led out to the cemetery and told to dig my own grave. When the flashlights came I managed to get the gun away from Charles and fire. I looked into Tobias's eyes as he laid dying; than Hotch was by my side and he helped me to my feet. I begged him to understand why I picked him; he said that he always understood.
Than by a sheer miracle JJ came through the woods and threw herself in my arms. JJ was alive. She was alive and well. She wasn't hurt. Thank God. But than what was sobbed broke through my drugged mind, she was apolizing to me for allowing me to be taken. I wanted to weep and beg for her forgiveness for allowing her life to be in jeopardy, but all I said was "It wasn't your fault." After another all too brief hug she let me go and than she turned and walked away. Morgan and Gideon tried to hug me; but I stepped away. I didn't walk away with my team I told them to give me a minute and I sat back down next to Tobias and grabbed the two vials in his pocket and put them in my own as I stood up.
The weeks after were pure torture as I desperately tired to fight the craving for the Diluaded that Tobias had forced into my body; until I gave in and I put the drug into my system willing. Very willing. I tried to hide it from the team and those around me. I didn't have anyone outside of the team around me so it was easy to hide when I was alone. But the team knew something was going on with me. But they didn't know what it was. They just figured that I wasn't sleeping at night because of my nightmares.
But Emily knew. When she questioned me on what the hell I was doing outside the shelter after I told the head shelter women the true facts of the unsub killing homeless people and that she and the people in her shelter weren't safe. I looked into Emily's eyes and I knew that she knew the truth, so I went on the attack and told her that she didn't know me and to leave me the hell alone and I walked away.
But it was when Gideon came to me in New Orleans that I knew that I had to confide in someone and that I had to realize where my life lead. It was with the team, and the FBI. I never told Gideon or anyone that I had caved into the drugs. No I went home and I flushed the drug down my toilet.
I worked out the cravings when I had a long weekend to myself. I went to work the following Monday weak and a little shaky; but I had beat the craving of the drug and I was ready to live my life once more. Simple. Yeah life isn't simple. It's complicated very, very complicated.
I finally noticed what was going around me. Most of the emotions that I felt oozing off the team was directed towards me, all of them were looking at me with concern and edgy; but I felt something else. Something that wasn't directed at me. No I finally felt all the hedged up emotions directed towards JJ. Anger. But not from Hotch, Gideon, Emily or Garcia. No all the anger I felt directed towards JJ was coming from Morgan. No from the rest of the team I felt their concern and their worry for JJ. I looked over and saw JJ for the first time since the ordeal with Tobias. She looked like a wreck. She hid it well with her makeup; but I could tell that she hadn't been sleeping well since the ordeal either. I noticed how tight her body was and how more harden she was.
She wasn't the JJ that I had met on my first day with the BAU.
I tried to talk to her alone but every time I got her away from the team something came up; it looked at times she was relieved that she wasn't alone with me or that she was even in my presence. My heart dropped and knew that I lost JJ for good; so I stopped trying to talk to her. I stayed away from her on the plane when I used to look up too find her and let her know with my eyes that it would be ok for her to come over and mess with my hair.
I myself knew that I deserved to lose JJ from my life as a friend, no our time was spent on a purely business level from now on. I could live with that; because that meant JJ was still alive. But I noticed that Morgan kept growing more and angrier towards JJ. I went to Morgan's apartment and demanded to know why he was so angry at JJ.
Morgan finally told me that it was JJ's fault that I was taken captured by Tobias Henkel; that if JJ had stayed by my side than my ordeal would never have happen. That he blamed JJ solely for what happened to me. Well I very quickly set Morgan straight and told him exactly what happened that night. He looked me deeply in the eyes and knew that I told him the truth and he said that he was sorry for laying it all on JJ's feet. That he had been unfair too JJ. I told him that I wasn't the one he needed to apolize too. I left his apartment.
It should have been simple.
All Morgan had to do was go to JJ and make things right with her. Simple. Yeah right. We all know now that the simplest things in life can be the most complicated.
After I left Morgan's I decided to go to Emily's and try to make things right with her. I knew that I had to follow my own advice. Not to hold onto grudges. And truly I had no reason to hold a grudge against Emily; she after all was just trying to be a friend and help me in my time in need. I worked out what I was planning on saying to her apartment which was in D.C. Well I'll have plenty of time to work out the correct way of saying what I had to say because I have a two and half hour drive before I get to Emily's. Lucky for me it's still early in the evening; so I have plenty of time to get home and get a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get to the office tomower.
I arrived at Emily's apartment and I got out of the car and made my way up to her door and I knocked. One look at Emily and I knew that my well prepared speech was out of the window. She had the gall to demand to know why I was there. I told her in a stumble that I came to make things right between us. I tried to apologize for my behavior towards her and she just brushed it off as it didn't matter.
I grew a little heated under the collar and told her that I didn't know why I even bothered wasting my time coming over and trying to make things right with her in private. If I wanted the brush off than I could have apologized at the office. In public. She snorted that I would just have loved that situation now wouldn't I.
So here is the simple task that I set myself, go to Emily and apologize for my rude behavior towards her and make things right. Yeah another simple thing that quickly turned complicated. I'm on a roll lately.
In my frustration I murmured that I hoped Morgan would have better luck when he went to JJ and apologize for his anger against her. Emily snorted and said that JJ wouldn't accept Morgan's apology anyway. I tilted my head as I looked at her quizzing. Emily told me that JJ was too deep in self guilt, since what happened to me that she wouldn't think that she deserved Morgan's apology.
Before I left Emily's apartment she stepped up close to me and told me what had happened when she and Morgan had rushed into the barn with their guns raised. They saw all the blood and the three dead dogs. JJ had dropped up and with wide eyes and wide hair she had pointed her gun and her flashlight at the police officer and yelled "FBI FREEZE!" When Morgan had calmly stated who he was; JJ was still tightly pointing her gun with her finger just inching to pull the trigger. Emily told me that she had moved slowly to JJ's side and firmly said JJ's name and when JJ slowly turned her head and looked at her; Emily couldn't believe the wild fear she saw in JJ's eyes.
Emily also told me that when she walked past the bathroom and paused to see if JJ was ok; JJ had swung around from the mirror with her gun out and started to point towards her; Emily had said that JJ had that same wild look in her eyes as in the barn. Emily informed me that JJ hid it well but she had noticed that wild look in her eyes from time to time these past months.
I snarled that wouldn't she have the same wild look in her eyes if she had been attacked by three wild dogs whom had just eaten a woman? Emily backed away and tightly nodded and without another word I turned and left Emily's home. I knew that I had to get to JJ and help her heal. I was surprised that the rest of the team hadn't so far. Not even Hotch or Gideon. They were all concerned for me; but they dropped the ball for JJ.
Well I wasn't going to allow JJ to be floating out there in the sea without a life vest; no I was going to swim out there and rescue her. I owed her that.
Simple. Yeah right. Life wasn't simple.
END OF PROLUGE