Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If you see anything you recognize, I'm just borrowing it.
Author's Warning: This is what some people might call a crack fic. If you really like it, please leave a review. It encourages me.
Summary: Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari. A silly story about the Sand Siblings. Kankuro and Temari worry about their little brother. Gaara learns to enjoy life a bit more.
Kankuro rubbed the back of his neck as he opened the door to the house the Sand Siblings shared. The rolled up scroll in his pocket felt strangely weighty.
"Oh man," Kankuro muttered. "How am I going to explain this to Gaara? Hell, how am I going to explain this to Temari?"
"Explain what to Temari?" came the familiar, all-knowing, big sister voice.
Kankuro jumped, despite the fact that he really should have expected it.
"What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything!"
"Uh-huh. What did you not do?" Temari's slender, but muscled, arms crossed over in front of her, and she raised a single piercing eyebrow.
Kankuro sighed. "Is dinner ready?"
"Yeah." Without missing a beat, Temari continued, "You're not getting any until you tell me what you're not telling me."
"You might as well be sitting down."
Temari's brow furrowed, but she nodded and the two made their way into the kitchen.
"He's working late. Said he wasn't hungry."
"Hn. You should've made him stop and eat."
"He's not a little boy."
Kankuro sighed and muttered, "You can say that again."
"What?" Temari asked suspiciously.
Kankuro rubbed his forehead. Temari was a very straightforward kunoichi. She wasn't the type to giggle and blush. Sometimes she was a little too blunt for his liking, like when she criticized his personal life—and lack thereof. Still. She was his sister, and there were things you just didn't want to discuss with your sister. But she was glaring at him, so…
"You know that Deep Sand sect out by the Taharan Pass?"
"Misogynistic pricks? Can't find their asses with both hands and a map? Yeah, what about them?"
Kankuro winced. Temari was not going to take this well.
"They want to pay homage to the new Kazekage by sending a present."
"Okaay?" she drawled, waiting for the catch.
"They want to send a present?"
"So? Lots of people send Gaara presents. We've still got to figure out what to do with those freaking camels."
"Well, er…you know there's not a lot out there, aside from sand, that is."
"Well, Gaara does like sand," Temari drawled, impatiently waiting for Kankuro to spit it out.
"I don't think they'd send Gaara sand. That would be kind of dumb, Temari."
"So is waiting for you to finish a thought."
"Heh," Kankuro chuckled. "At least you're in a good mood."
"Why don't you just tell me already?"
Kankuro uncomfortably rubbed the back of his head. "They want to send Gaara a…a…a you know."
"If I knew, this conversation would have been finished an hour ago."
"They want to send him a helper."
"A helper? What for?"
"To…you know. To help him. With stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"You know…guy stuff."
Now Temari was scowling. "What, they want to give him lessons on how to be a man?"
"Uh, I guess you could put it like that."
"Great. Just great."
"So, the girl will probably arrive in a few days. Could you see about getting things ready?"
"Girl?" Temari's brow furrowed in confusion.
"Yeah. Girl. You know. Sort of curvy. Mostly smell nice. Higher-pitched voices."
Temari smacked him in the back of the head. "I know what a girl is!"
"Okay! Okay! Then why are you acting so clueless?"
"Why would those guys send a female delegate? It just seems out of character."
Kankuro huffed in exasperation. Sometimes the Sand Siblings communicated without words—in battle, on the road, during training. This was definitely not one of those days.
"They're sending him a concubine, Temari."
"Temari?" Kankuro asked, anxiously studying her slightly green face.
"No! Tell her to go home!"
"Temari," Kankuro sighed, "we can't. That would be seen as a major offense."
"No way are we letting Gaara be exposed to something so, so…yyeuck!"
"He's been traumatized enough as it is! And he's finally starting to fit in and feel like he belongs!"
"Temari, he's the Kazekage."
"He's not even old enough to drink!"
"We have to take the girl. If the Kazekage turns her away, it would be a very bad political move."
Temari growled deep in her chest.
Kankuro started. She really sounded like a mother bear that had sensed danger approaching her cub.
"I really wanted him to find a nice girl eventually. If this happens," Temari sighed wearily. "If this happens, it might destroy his ability to have a healthy relationship with a woman."
"It won't be as bad as all that," Kankuro reassured her. "I'll be sure and give him some good brotherly advice."
Temari's eyes narrowed even further. "You will do no such thing."
"What? You want to do it? Remember when Yashamaru took us aside and gave us the birds and the bees talk?"
Temari flushed irritably. "Yeah. I've blocked out most of it. He mostly talked in riddles anyway."
"Well, I distinctly remember that Gaara wasn't there."
"So...so…come on, Temari, we don't have that many adult-type guidance figures, you know. Do you honestly think Baki took Gaara aside at some point and explained things to him?"
Temari paled. "You mean…you mean Gaara might not even know about…?"
"Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying."
"So, I'll just take him aside and explain."
Kankuro decided to call it quits for tonight.