A/N: Final chapter of this crack fic...maybe.
Disclaimer: If it was mine, do you REALLY think I would be posting here? No, I would be building Midgar, dammit!
Cloud was bad. He was more than bad. He looked like a damn bobble head in a wheel chair. Mako poisoning, over-exposure to the Lifestream, a bunch of bad shit. He was nearly catatonic. It was kinda funny to watch him but...no this was serious. It wasn't funny.
Cid chuckled to himself. It was hella funny, watching the spiky haired freak sitting there like that, Tifa on her knees in front of him, like she could reach him through his moans of, "Uggh...urrggh...uggh." If Cid didn't know better, he'd swear the kid was getting a blowjob from the busty brunette in front of him. Said brunette rose from her kneeling position and went over to him and Vincent.
"I'm gonna stay here with Cloud," she told them, rubbing her bare arms. "To see if I can help him get better."
"We understand," Vincent said. "We shall continue on without you then."
Tifa nodded. "Captain, I'm trusting you with the team," she said. "You're in charge."
"You got it, Toots," Cid said, sticking a cigarette in his mouth and walking toward the exit. "We'll check back in with you in a few, all right? Take care of yourself, Doll."
"You too," she said, reaching for his arm and pulling him closer. "Don't be afraid. Let them guide you."
"The hell you talking about?" he asked as she shoved him out the door. He shook his head and lit his cigarette, nearly dropping his lighter as he stared into the town of Mideel. "The fuck?"
Little red and green arrows decorated the town. Cid's mouth dropped opened and his lit cigarette fell from his lips, burning his hand as he tried to catch it. "Ow...goddammit!"
His red-cloaked companion glanced over at him in concern. "Are you all right?" he asked lowly.
Cid pointed to a random arrow. "What the hell are all these little arrows doing around here?" he asked. Vincent looked around and then back at him, black eyebrow raised.
"What are you talking about?"
Cid balked. "You can't see them?!" he asked. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked up toward the heaven's for guidance.
And that's when he saw...The Finger.
"Holy fuckin' hell shit god DAMN!" he yelled, backing up and watching as The Finger followed him. "Oh, this sucks! What the hell is this thing?! Quit following me! AAAAHHHHH!!"
Vincent watched in amusement as Cid ran screaming through the town of Mideel. It was actually quite...amusing to see the arrogant captain screaming his bloody head off about arrows and a finger pointing at him. Vincent followed him as he ran out of the town to the airship.
Cid looked around inside his flying machine. The arrows were here, too! He looked up. That stupid finger thingy was still pointing at him. "Uh...," Cid said to The Finger. "God?"
The Finger did nothing but point at him. Cid sat down on the floor and buried his face in his hands, crying like a little boy. "Leave me alone!" he cried. "I want my mommy! Or my Shera!"
That was when Tifa's words before they left came back to him. 'Don't be afraid. Let them guide you.'
Cid looked up at The Finger, which flashed in acknowledgement and then at the little arrows. "All right you freaky little bastards," he grumbled. "Let's get this show on the road!"
"These god damn arrows keep getting my ass in trouble!" Cid yelled as he highjacked a train and sped off after the ShinRa. The bastards had taken the huge materia from the reactor and were now speeding off to Corel, Barret's wasteland of a hometown.
"Y'all get ready to jump!" Cid ordered to the gun arm and the vampire. "We're coming up on them now! We gotta stop 'em 'fore they barrel into Corel!"
In a flash of red and curse words, Vincent and Barret jumped, Cid following not long after them. "Oh for the love of radiator fluid!" he hollared looking around the ShinRa train. "The little pointy bastards are here too!"
The threesome ran through the train, fighting each monster they came across and defeating them. Barret booted the ShinRa officer's off the train and Cid proceeded to attempt to slow the train down. Right before they were going to barrel into Corel, Cid pulled the brakes and caused the train to emit a screetching, grinding noise as it came to a dramatic stop right before slamming into Corel.
"Well hell," Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "I saved a goddamn junk heap. Whoop-de-fucking-doo."
The battle of Fort Condor was over. The ShinRa forces had been defeated and the big ass freaky bird thing on top flew away, leaving a glowing red turd. Oh wait, that was materia. Still could be a turd though. Best to send the ninja brat after it.
"Yuffie...materia," Cid said, pointing at the object.
"MINE!" Yuffie squealed, leaping up onto the roof of Fort Condor. She jumped up and down in excitement and Cid couldn't help but wish it was Tifa jumping up and down out there. At least he'd get to see some bouncies. This was just sad.
"What is it?" Vincent asked, helping Yuffie climb back into the building.
"Phoenix Flame!" she told him excitedly, slipping it into her armour. "Can't wait to try this baby out!"
"Yeah, yeah, fuck, yeah, whatever," Cid grumbled, heading back down into the main chamber of Fort Condor. He kicked the old stoned dude sitting at the table. "Hey, the ShinRa are gone and yer bird problem is taken care of. The big bastard flew away."
The man's head raised up, his glazed eyes red. "Thanks," he said before allowing his head to drop back down.
"God damn fucker," Cid grumbled leading the way back to the airship. "Spent Shiva knows how much gil on useless soliders and all we get is a 'thanks' from a stoned hippie."
"Yo, Pops, I wanna see Tifa," Yuffie exclaimed before taking her position to puke.
"Yeah, me too," Cid told her walking into the control room. "Yo, pilot in training level never gonna be better than me. Head this bird to Mideel."
"I'm not leaving him!"
"Look, Boobs, he's a vegetable!" Cid exclaimed. "He's useless as shit and he drools! Why in the hell would you want a man like that?" He flinched at the glare he received from her. "Okay, granted, most guys are like that, but still!"
"I'm not leaving him."
"Fine, you know what, fine," Cid grumbled, lighting up a cigarette. "When you're ready to leave the slobbery chocobo to his doctors, give me a call on the PHS. Until then, we'll be in Kalm drinkin' beer."
Cursing, Cid strutted out of the clinic and down to the center of town. "Brainless blond, didn't know what to do with the girl when he was pseudo normal and now that he's a wheelchaired wonder, he sure as hell don't know what to do with her. Why can't a girl like that fall for me?!"
"Cos yer a &(#!" Barrett told him.
"Ah, yer no help, ya sorry--whoa!" Cid exclaimed as the ground began to shake. "The hell is going on?"
"Weapon!" Vincent exclaimed, drawing his gun out and aiming at the monster and firing off a shot.
Cid pulled out a stick of dynamite and lit it with the end of his cigarette. "Oh yeah, you sorry son of a bitch?!" he yelled. "Get yer ass over here and I'll kick back up the Northern Crater! Yo mama!"
The Weapon roared and landed in front of the three men in all it's unstoppable bad ass monster glory. Cid's dynamite fizzeled as the Weapon's saliva extinguished the fuse. "Oh fuck this shit...I'm outta here!" Cid yelled, chest barrelled out and leading the way as his scared ass followed suit.
"&!" Barrett exclaimed, following Cid to the airship.
Vincent holstered his pistol and with a flourish of his cape, followed his comrades. "I concur," he agreed. "This battle is best fought another day."
"Fuck that!" Cid yelled. "Those things are scary as shit! Whoa! What the hell is happening to Mideel?"
From the safety of the airship, they watched as the Lifestream erupted in the center of the town. Tifa was wheeling Cloud out of the clinic and over the bridge when the green tinted liquid swallowed them whole.
"Tifa!" Barrett exclaimed.
"Cloud!" Yuffie cried, eyes pouring out rivers of tears.
Cid lit a cigarette. "Damn," he grumbled. "What a waste of a perfectly good rack. Uh...I mean..." He looked up at The Finger, inspiration striking him. "All right, pilot in training who I don't give a fuck what level you are, just fly this bird outta here! We'll pick them up where they wash up."
Several miles, two packs of cigarettes and six-pack of beer later and the Highwind was landing outside of Junon along the shoreline. Tifa and Cloud were unconscious, so the rest of the team carried them inside the airship where they waited for them to come to. Once they had, Cloud, now leader again, held a meeting about finding himself with Tifa's help.
"Well, now that you found yourself, you can have this," Cid told him. And with that, he gave Cloud...The Finger.
A/N: Yay! This fic is over! HOORAY! Hope you laughed as hard reading it as I did writing it. Especially Cid and the way he runs. BWAH HA HA HA!