There comes a time in every Narutard's life where she must ask herself the Utlimate Question: Which is better, NaruHina or NejiHina?

My problem is, I'm not fond of either of them. Which: unimaginative fluff or incest? (It's not even the incest so much as I don't like Neji pairings... Jealous Fangirl Syndrome, perhaps?)

So, I was bored, and decided that rather than remain neutral on both, I'd write a couple of oneshots for each of them. I asked my friends for some words, and this is what they came up with. Let's see what I came up with:

NaruHina Vs NejiHina

Place your bets.

Naruto's Words:

1) Pumpkin

2) Lipgloss

3) Polygraph

Neji's Words:

1) Harpoon

2) Condom

3)Straw

The Finale:
Feminine Problems

Whoever wins... KalliopeStarmist loses.


Pumpkin:

Naruto looked around the pumpkin patch, then at his watch. Sakura was late. They were supposed to meet and pick out a pumpkin and go back to his apartment and carve it up and make a pretty Jack o'Lantern. But she wasn't there. And it looked like it was going to rain.

"I hate this," he sighed. Why did Sakura have to stand him up like this all the time? Ok, well, she had never stood him up before, but he certainly didn't feel good that she had decided to start. She was probably on a date with one of her nine million other admirers. Ever since they hit puberty, everybody was always, "Sakura, will you go out with me?"

Never mind that he had been loyally asking her out since they were nine. Kakashi was cuter than him. He got it. He knew what their secret winks meant. He knew why they giggled so much... He'd always known his teacher was a total child molester. But then, he'd always thought that he was after Sasuke, too.

Naruto kicked at a pumpkin. He wanted to make a Jack O'Lantern with her. It was more fun with other people.


Hinata didn't like pumpkins. Mostly because when she was little, her passive-aggressive third-cousin-twice-removed (you thought Neji knew how to hold a grudge.) had thrown one at her head, and she had to go as a lobotomy patient for trick-or-treat that year.

So she wasn't having as much fun as Kurenai, Kiba, and Shino as they picked out a pumpkin. In fact, she had finally wandered off to sit on a pumpkin and wait for it to rain. That's when she noticed Naruto, kicking angrily at a gourd. Maybe Naruto didn't like pumpkins, either.

Hinata blushed with the idea that she and Naruto had something in common. Something in common! They could talk about their common dislike of pumpkins, and then he would fall in love with her, and then they would live happily ever after. She stood up.

"H- H- H- Hi," she stuttered faintly. Naruto's back, which was to her, straightened.

"H- H- H- Hi, Naruto-kun," she stuttered again. Naruto turned around to face her.

"Oh, hey, Hinata!" The angry scowl left his face and he smiled that "Oh, hey, Casual Acquaintance!" look that always discouraged her. "What are you doing out here? Did your asshole teammates desert you, too?"

"Oh, n-n-n-no," Hinata blushed and bowed her head. Poor Naruto! That bitch Sakura had left him all alone! (In Hinata's mind, Sakura was the incarnation of all evil.) "I- I-,"

In a rare flash of boldness, Hinata decided to tell Naruto the truth. "I don't like pumpkins much, so I didn't want to go with Kiba and Shino..."

"You don't like pumpkins?" Naruto gasped. "But pumpkins are awesome! You can carve them up so they look funny, and you can cook the seeds, and if you're a really good cook, like Mrs. Studenic in Apartment 402, you can make pumpkin pie out of them!" Naruto noted her crestfallen expression, and attributed it to her not knowing anything about pumpkins and being ashamed of her ignorance. "Here! I'll show you!" He pointed to a pumpkin that he had wanted to pick with Sakura.

"This one's kind of oval shaped, so you can make a more elongated face with it... now, if you were going for a wider mouth, you'd want one of these rounder ones,"

"Uh–," Hinata stuttered as Naruto grabbed her arm and pulled her deeper into the pumpkin patch.

"Come on! We'll make a Jack O'Lantern together! And then we can light it and drink apple cider and tell ghost stories and get scared and cuddle with each other. That'll teach her."

Hinata had found a compelling reason to give pumpkins another chance.


Kakashi and Sakura sat in the rain, huddled under an umbrella, holding the surprise bag of candy corn and smores material they had brought. They had been planning this forever... completely unable to keep their winking and giggling down, but Naruto probably hadn't noticed.

And now he had stood them up.