The Finale:

Feminine Problems


She wasn't sleeping with him because she was in love with him. It wasn't even that she found him all that attractive. Her reasons for spending her nights with Neji were much more complicated that.

To put it simply, for as long as Hinata could remember, she had failed majorly at getting closer to her cousin. And it was a shame, because she really wanted to be close to him. After years and years of wishing hopelessly that things had worked out differently in their family, a little sexual exploitation seemed a small price to pay for Neji's affection.

Also, he liked to cuddle afterwards, and Hinata was a very cuddly person.


One day it happened that Hinata was feeling a little under the weather, and Neji, being a decent guy, at least after he got all "centered" and stopped hating everybody, decided to go visit her and see if she was doing ok. Shino answered the door and stood in the doorframe, refusing to let him in.

"I wanted to see Hinata."

"Yes, that would make sense," Shino replied impassively. He didn't move.

Neji rolled his eyes. Anybody else would have told you that Shino was being hostile. Neji was a little slow on the social skills, and thought he was thick as two planks. "I heard she wasn't feeling well."

Shino nodded. "You don't want to talk to her right now, though," he said, tapping his nose discreetly. "Feminine problems."

"Oh, I know she turns into a bitch once a month, I still want to talk to her."

"Not those feminine problems," Shino said, dropping his voice to a hiss. "The other ones."

Neji wasn't quite sure what he was talking about, but he left anyway. It wasn't until he was two blocks away from Kurenai's house that he realized what the "other" set of feminine problems was.


"And then Itachi got all mad at me, and I was only four, how was I supposed to know–,"

Naruto patted Sasuke's hand and gave him a Kleenex. His on-the-side job as a therapist was really paying the bills. If he didn't think that Tsunade would get mad, he would quit ninja-ing and do this full-time.

"There, there,"

There was a loud knocking... more of a pounding, on the door.

"NARUTO! Get out here, I need to talk to you."

Sasuke and Naruto looked in annoyance at the door. Naruto checked his watch. "Well, your hour's about up, anyway, I guess... I'll call you and reschedule." Sasuke nodded and ducked out the back door. Nobody needed to know that he cried his little emo heart out to Naruto once a week. Him and the rest of the village.

"What's up?" Naruto greeted Neji calmly when he got to the door.

"I–," Neji glanced around, then pushed Naruto back into his apartment. "I think Hinata's pregnant."

"Holy shit!" Naruto exclaimed. "I'm going to be a father?"

Neji slapped a palm against his forehead. "No, you moron, I am! How on earth could you be the father?"

Naruto sat Neji down on his psychiatrist couch. "All right... Neji, when two people love each other very much, something very special happens, and they— WHOA, wait, what do you mean, you're the father?"

"We've..." Neji scratched the back of his head and avoided meeting Naruto's eyes. "We've been screwing around..."

"WHOA. WHOA. WAIT. No... just, no..." Naruto scooted back, color draining from his face. "You're joking, right?" Naruto smiled a little. "You really had me going there for a minute! So, did you make up the part about her being pregnant, too, or do I really need to start planning child support payments?"

"You're NOT the father! You've never even slept with her."

Naruto laughed. "I hate to break it to you, but, yeah, I have. We've been dating for a while, and we decided to take it a little farther, so,"

"You can't be sleeping with her," Neji said, going as pale as Naruto had. "I mean, you just... you can't be."

"Oh, yes, I can, and what's more–... wait, where you serious? You and Hinata have–," Naruto's lip curled. "EW! NO!"

"What are you going "ew" for, you little perv!" Neji stood and picked Naruto up by his lapels. "You're the one who's afraid he knocked up my cousin! Didn't you use something?"

"Well," Naruto blushed. "We were in a hurry, and– WAIT JUST A MINUTE! You're afraid you're the father... You were sleeping with your own cousin and you didn't use anything? ARE YOU CRAZY?"

Neji dropped him. "It's complicated..."

"And, dude, you're not even just cousins, you're like... like... twinsins..."

"That's not a word," Neji growled.

"You know what I mean! You two probably share more genetic material than regular siblings! That's like knocking up your sister! You were screwing your sister and you didn't use any protection!"

"She's not my sister! And you're no better! You're just taking advantage of her innocence!"

"And you're NOT?! And what innocence? She's cheating on both of us... whore."

Neji picked him up once again. "Shut the hell up! That's my baby cousin you're talking about!"

Naruto kicked his shin. "Cousin? Girlfriend, you mean? You sick bastard!"

"Oh, you want to go, Uzumaki? Let's go!"


Shino brought Hinata some soup. She had a cold and wasn't feeling too well.

"You shouldn't be here, Shino-kun," she coughed. "You'll catch it."

"My immune system's a little stronger than yours," he assured her. "You're under too much stress."

"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "I don't know... It's just so hard to keep Naruto and Neji from finding out about each other..."

"Maybe you should just break up with one of them... or both."

"I guess... But... I've just liked both of them for so long... in different ways, of course, but they both think of me the same way, I guess, and I'll take what I can get."

Shino pushed back some of her hair. "Do you really like either of them any more?"

"... I guess... sort of... I don't know, neither of them are my ideal guy anymore, but," she sighed, twisting her fingers together anxiously. "I just don't know what to do about them, Shino."

Shino smiled to himself. "I have a feeling things will work out on their own."

He hoped Neji and Naruto would just have a death match and kill each other... or hook up with each other, maybe. In any case, he was sure that they would both be leaving Hinata alone in the future.

Now he just had to get rid of Kiba.


A/N: And the final verdict:

JuugoHina.

NejiIno (Actually, I like NejiIno in theory, but it's always really depressing, which really surprises me... I mean, Ino?)

NarutoXTree

Even though a part of my soul died with every chapter, I had a lot of fun writing all these. I might do some for other pairing wars later.