A/N: The Holy Preserver decress that RENTheads everywhere shall read this and rejoice. For it is Larsonic, and so is Blessed.
In the beginning, there was Larson. And Larson looked across the land of New York City and found that it both pleased and displeased. And Larson found that writing a musical about it would be Good, and so he wrote a musical about it. And it was Good. And then Larson searched far and wide to find others who thought it was Good, and eventually Larson found these blessed beings. And together, they created the musical known as RENT. And Larson said, "Let there be RENT."
And there was RENT.
Soon after, Larson ascended to the Land of Larson, a blessed place where few could go without curly hair and musical genius. But Larson saw that his friends and loyal followers were Saddened by his departure. And so Larson sent down these Ten Commandments from On High, to be spread far and wide among the Enlightened. And the Holy Preserver of the RENT Faith (who happened to be a meek and humble fanfic writer and RENThead) took these Commandments and shared them with the Enlightened, so they might be glad. And the Enlightened saw the Commandments, and they were glad.
Set forth now are these Commandments, Ten in Number and Blessed in Larsonic Nature.
Thou shalt Obsess about RENT.
"Now, listen," said Larson from on high. "First thing's first: RENT took me seven years to write and as Larson, I can say that seven years to create a musical is much harder than seven days to create the world. RENT is my life's work, and as Larson I say that it has much knowledge to be reaped by overeager RENTheads. Therefore, all RENTheads shall seek to learn random, irrelevant facts about RENT and its creation. And about me, because, as Larson, I am cool."
The Holy Preserver nodded, for she was of the opinion that Larson was indeed cool. And throughout the land, RENTheads began to research RENT most diligently and discover many wondrous things, like the strange suspenders Adam Pascal (Larson Bless Him) wore the night of the first NYTW performance.
And Larson was pleased with their obsession and the fact that RENTheads neither slept nor ate as they obsessed, because even Larson had an ego.
Thou shalt not Belittle other RENTheads RENT experience by Bragging about Their Own.
Larson thought long and hard and said, "RENT is on Broadway, in the land of NYC. Many RENTheads throughout the world cannot travel hence to see RENT, nor can they travel back in time to see the OBC. I decree, as Larson, that all RENTheads who have seen the show multiple times and sport much memorabilia and paraphernalia and shit shall not wave it under less fortunate RENTheads' noses."
And the Holy Preserver was relieved, for she was much tired of certain NYC RENTheads constantly reminding Cambridge RENTheads that they were nearing their 100th viewing of the Holy RENT. And RENTheads throughout the land rejoiced, while certain NYC RENTheads grumble and sat on their signed playbills.
Thou shalt Honor and Appreciate thine loved Ones, who have to deal with thine RENThead obsessive tendencies.
"Those who obey My first Commandment know well that RENT obsession is required. Yet they do not realize," said Larson wisely, "that their non-RENThead families and friends must watch and endure their constant obsessing. They do not see how anyone could not wish to discuss the intense cuteness of 'You Okay Honey?' for a forty-seventh time, nor how anyone could be immune to the power of Adam Pascal in tight plaid pants. And yet there are sad, unfortunate souls who do not see the appeal in such delightful activities. Therefore, all RENTheads shall take pity on their enduring loved ones, and shall tone down the obsession when therapy is threatened."
The Holy Preserver did not much like this Commandment. She could see no sense in sparing those who did not obsess about RENT from her own Holy Bliss.
"Why, oh Larson," she asked, "must we keep our Faith to ourselves? Why can we not spread it among all we know?"
"Because," answered Larson, "I am boss. And I say so."
And the Holy Preserver shut up.
Thou shalt not include RENT, RENT characters, or RENT actors in thine Sexual Fantasies.
Larson did not feel the need to elaborate on this Commandment.
Neither did the Holy Preserver.
And RENTheads everywhere glanced uncomfortably around and went to go stare at the wall.
Thou shalt Worship the actors of RENT with all thine might.
"RENTheads are, by nature, an opinionated group," observed Larson. "So I shall let them argue and discuss the actors who perform in RENT, on one condition: they do not degrade others for liking one actor and not liking another. It is not a nice thing to do," said Larson sternly. "All RENT actors are chosen by me through Divine Larsonic intervention, and even though RENTheads might not see the sense in my choices, they should know to shut their little faces because I am cool and I get to choose, so there."
The Holy Preserver was much incensed by this. "But Larson," she cried, "how can you say this? Does this mean that we must worship Declan, despite his total inability to play an American, let alone Roger? Shall we exalt Melanie Brown, even though she is a Spice Girl and equal in both dignity and talent to a sea urchin? How can this be, oh Larson?"
And then Larson was much pissed at the Holy Preserver.
"Now looky here, you," Larson declared. "I am Larson and I cast Declan and Melanie in RENT, so by questioning them, you question me. Is that what you want, missy? Hmmmm? For I have the power to cast Keanu Reeves as Roger, don't think I won't do it."
And the Holy Preserved was much afraid, for Keanu Reeves could not act his way out of a wet paper bag. And she threw herself to the ground and lay prostrate before Larson.
"I am sorry, oh Larson, for I have sinned by doubting you. And I admit that Melanie has talent, because she did not fall on her ass off the fire escape, and I also admit that Declan has an interestingly shaped head. So you see, I repent, oh Larson," she cried.
And Larson forgave her sin, and Keanu Reeves was kept far away from RENT.
And there was much rejoicing.
Thou shalt Honor the OBC, despite thine Opinion of them.
"There has been much dispute over My Original Broadway Cast," said Larson. "I do not like this at all. I am cool and they knew me, so by proxy they are cool. And the OBC won me four Tony's, which look quite lovely above my toilet sink, so do not diss them. Instead, honor them and their greatness, even if there are those of the opinion that they were not cool. For they were. They were very cool."
And the Holy Preserver was happy, for she was an OBC-shipper of the worst kind. And all RENTheads bought the OBC CD and looked fondly at the pictures…for the OBC was indeed very, very cool.
Thou shalt not argue Rosario Dawson vs. Daphne Rubin-Vega.
"I make this its own Commandment because I am sick of this whole thing," declared Larson grumpily.
And the Holy Preserver agreed.
And there was much nodding and eye rolling throughout the land.
Thou shalt NOT, repeat NOT, make RENTheads who like the movie feel bad.
"The movie has its own merits and flaws," Larson said sagely. "It is not perfect, nor is it bantha poodoo. And as Larson, I say—"
"What, pray, is bantha poodoo?" interrupted the Holy Preserver curiously. Larson was angered by her ignorance.
"Watch Star Wars," snapped Larson, and the Holy Preserver decided now was a good time to shut up.
"As Larson, I say that the sole fact that almost the whole group of OBC main characters were in it," continued Larson, "is a good reason to watch this movie. And yet, if there are RENTheads who feel anger and resentment towards the movie, do not watch it. But do not spread feelings of discord and shame among those who do. It is mean."
The Holy Preserver agreed, for I'll Cover You in the move made her cry.
And RENTheads everywhere either sighed and bowed their heads in reverence or popped their DVDs into their machines.
Thou shalt write fanfiction.
"Fanfiction pleases Me," declared Larson. "And so I say that all RENTheads who have the skill and lack of social life shall write fanfiction, and much of it. Fluff, angst, and smut are all favorites of Mine…though be careful when writing smut. Keep to Commandment 4." Larson waited patiently as RENTheads scrolled upwards to check what Commandment 4 was. After they were done blushing, Larson continued.
"I do not tolerate some fics. For instance, I shall smite all Mary Sues and slash parings (other than MarkRoger, for that has grown so great as to be beyond my control) with a lightning bolt of fiery vengeance. And if anyone even thinks of doing a crossover with the OC, I'll—"
"All right, oh Larson, I understand," said the Holy Preserver hastily, for she saw that several RENTheads were looking guiltily alarmed. And Larson was appeased, and fanfiction spread throughout the land.
And there was much rejoicing.
Thou shalt love RENT.
"If RENTheads follow no commandment but this, I shall be pleased," said Larson. "For RENT is about love, and I did not write it to be a point of sadness or hurt. Love RENT and you are a RENThead: that is the only requirement. And as Larson I send my love to all RENTheads who love RENT, for as long as there are those who honor and love it, RENT shall never die. Every day, there are those who love RENT a little more. Try to become one of those, and I shall feel that I did not write RENT in vain. Now stop crying and tell them," said Larson crossly, for the Holy Preserver was bawling her eyes out most improperly. After several moments of sniffling, she regained her composure and spread the word.
And all throughout the land, RENTheads raised their arms to the sky and sang Seasons of Love to Larson, who had truly blessed them.
And everywhere there was RENT.
And it was Good.
The Larson's Prayer:
Our Larson, who art in the Nederlander,
Hallowed be thy Work.
Thy musical come.
Thy will be sung,
By RENTheads as it is on Broadway.
Give us this show our daily love.
And forgive us our obsession,
As we forgive those who favor High School Musical.
And lead us not into theaters where Andrew Lloyd Webber reigns,
But deliver us from CATS.
For RENT is the fandom,
and the love,
and the one song glory,
for ever and ever.
LARSON BLESS YOU ALL!