This is a bit of an AU fic, set after New Moon, before Eclipse. It's sort of an Edward seeing the consequences of him leaving Bella. What Bella did was before she started making friends with Jake, and got better.
Warning though, this may be disturbing to some readers. It contains mature themes not suitable to younger readers, meaning self harm. It does ignore the fact that Bella is bothered by blood. At that stage, she was too far into her comatose state to care.
I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or Edward Cullen. Sob. You see why we dream at night, now?
I laughed lightly, listening to Edward's story about Rosalie's fifth wedding. We were sitting on my bed, facing each other, with the lamp on low. Shadows flickered across his chiselled face, and his eyes glimmered in the darkness.
Shaking my head, still shaking with laughter, I rested my hand on the mattress. Wincing, I inhaled sharply, recoiling from the sharp object on my bed. A pin was resting there, the point angrily turned upwards, ready to prick me again.
I frowned, picking it up, and glancing at my hand. A bead of blood was beginning to well, and Edward's eyes darkened, his jaw tensing. I looked up. "Oh, Edward…go…I'll be fine. I'll just go wash my hand…" His hand on my shoulder stopped me as I began to move.
He inhaled, and his eyes began to lighten. "It's okay…I'm not bothered by that anymore, really. Show me your hand." I turned my palm up so he could examine the tiny cut, and his hands gently curled around my wrist.
Somehow he saw them. He began to slide up my long sleeve, and I tried to pull my arm away, eyes wide in horror. "Edward, no…stop…Edward…please…" He paused, looking at me, his jaw tight with anger.
"Bella, show me your arm." I shook my head, lips pressed together, and his eyes blazed. "I'm looking with or without your consent, but I don't want to risk harming you. Bella, please, stay still."
My body slumped in defeat as he drew up my sleeve. Turning my arm over, he saw them on all sides. Scars, thin and thick, pink lines, some surrounded by raw skin, some long healed. He saw the soft pink skin, standing out clearly against my pale complexion, and the rows and rows of my shame.
"Bella…" He traced them gently. "Bella, love…what did you do?" I whimpered slightly, and began to cry, my shoulders shaking, tears falling fast onto my blanket covers.
I waited until I heard the sound of Charlie's car driving off, the façade of writing an English essay holding up. When the house was silent, I stood, and began to walk upstairs. My heart was pounding. How it could beat when it had been ripped in two, I still didn't know. But I was beyond caring.
Slipping into the bathroom, I opened up the cabinet, finding it quickly. A clean knife, thin, sharp, and shining. Glancing down at my arm, I shivered. It was screaming for me to draw a line, red ink born from me dripping, for that moment when I felt.
Pain…emotion…everything…it was all gone. I needed to feel the pain he had put me through. The pain I had held off for far too long. The pain I wanted so desperately to feel, but I had spent so long blocking out.
Lifting the blade, I pressed the tip to my forearm, and drew it up. Deep enough to bleed, but not enough to do any major damage. Pain flashed in my arm, and I bit my lip until that too bled, and cut again.
Pain…blood…emotion…I could feel it all…
Adrenaline swept through me, and I smiled, in spite of myself. Breathing deeply, erratically, I raised the knife, now lined with my life fluid, and positioned it differently. Again I pressed it down, hissing in softly, and watched the blood.
This is what he had left me because of. Blood. I wanted to spill it all.
Narrowing my eyes, still breathing irregularly, I pressed my lips together until they were white, and cut once more. My final cut…for now. My arm was screaming with the pain of it, but I didn't care.
I felt pain. I felt.
Lowering the knife, I rinsed it, wrapping it up again, and hiding it again. I pressed a towel to my arm as I cleaned. Picking up the bottle of cleaning liquid, I sterilised the areas where the blood had fallen. Then I turned to my arm, surveying my damage with vague detachment.
I pulled out the first aid kit, wrapping my arm up quickly and roughly, before making sure everything in the bathroom was just where it should be. I had used the hand I didn't favour, so that wouldn't be a problem.
I changed into a long sleeved black shirt with my jeans, washing my hands one more time, and went back downstairs to finish the English assignment. But as I wrote, I kept flashing back to the knife, hidden away upstairs.
My cure, the only way to bring back the emotion…I'd use it again. The next time I was alone.
I shook my head at Edward, unable to tell him, only crying harder. He was almost speechless, his gaze flickering from my arm to my face, and he guessed it. "It was…when I left…did you…?" My answer was a muffled sob, accompanied by the tiniest nod.
I looked at him, his image blurry from my traitorous tears. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Edward…I didn't…" I couldn't speak, only draw my knees up to my chest and hug myself. "I didn't think…I didn't know…"
Edward's face was full of sick horror, and his eyes were wide as he looked at my arm. I had been so careful to hide it. It had been so long ago, really. My mistake. But I couldn't convince him of that.
"You…you…you did that…my leaving was supposed to protect you…you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid!" His voice was an angry whisper, but not anger at me, anger directed towards himself.
I hiccuped, trembling violently. "I did it…I couldn't feel…there was no other choice…I broke the promise…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I buried my face in my hands, trying to restore my breathing to normal, but too frightened he'd only leave me again.
Edward's eyes were dark when I met them. "Never ever hurt yourself over something like me, Bella. There's always another choice, you hear me? Even if you reached out to God damned Mike Newton, never do that!" He crumpled, and I heard him sob. "Don't scare me like that. I couldn't lose you because of that. I couldn't, Bella. I couldn't."
I nodded miserably. "I know this now, Edward, but at the time, I was dead to everything. I…I needed a way out. Something to let it all go…and I…" I trailed off. His fingers touched my chin, and I watched him carefully.
His eyes were painful to look into, too full of concern, guilt, remorse, every emotion he could come up with was staring back at me. I leant my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist, and sobbed.
"I stopped a long time ago, Edward. I swear, I stopped. I don't know how…but I did. I wont do it again…I promise that, utterly and completely." I cried, feeling his hands stroke my hair. He was shaking himself, something I rarely saw him do. His composure was shattered. I'd never seen him like this.
"I'll never give you a reason to, Bella. I promise you that." He pulled me even tighter against him, and I believed him. Completely. I believed what I'd promised him, too. I couldn't do that to him, or to myself.
Okay, kind of dodgy, but it was something I had to write. I'm sorry if I scared readers though. Well, not really, but I thought it'd be polite to say. Read and review, as per normal.
Just A Little Bit Dramatic