Title: House Does NaNoWriMo
Rating: PG-13 (sex references, some mild swearing etc.)
Genre: It's fluffy, it's cheesy, it's...fleesy? It's also crack!tasic, but you probably figured that out from the title.
Word Count: 3000 or so
Summary: House decides to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Will he finish his book in time or will Cameron kill him before he has a chance to even write Chapter 1?
Disclaimer: I don't own 'House MD', just playing in the sandpit. I also have nothing to do with the awesomeness that is NaNoWriMo but I encourage you to check it out if you haven't already. :-)
A/N: Unbeta'd. It's probably riddled with mistakes and I wouldn't be surprised if my tenses get screwed up once or twice. Anyway, this is just my little gift to all those people crazy enough to attempt NaNo this year. Good luck!
Cameron woke to the rhythmic sound of keyboard tapping early on Thursday morning. She rolled over in annoyance to face the middle-aged man sitting up in their bed producing said noise.
"Greg, what the hell do you think you're doing?" She muttered, before burying her head in the pillow to try and drown out the sound.
"You know Cam, one day you could try listening to me. It's the first of November." House replied, still tapping away.
He heard a muffled groan before Cameron pulled her head from under the pillow, "Well, do you have to write your soon-to-be best selling novel at three in the morning? We do have work tomorrow…today, whatever."
"Correction;you have work today." Was the smug reply from her boyfriend.
"What? You can't miss work! Cuddy'll kill you!" Cameron sat up to argue.
"I'm not gonna miss work…I'm just not going to do any work." He explained with a tone usually reserved for Chase.
"House, you never do any work anyway." She countered.
"I do! And, when did you start calling me House again?"
"Well, it worked. You've stopped typing."
He looked down to see that he had, in fact, stopped typing. She raised an eyebrow in question, waiting for his usual sarcastic reply.
"Since when did you get so annoying?" House asked, feigning irritation.
"Since I met you. Now shut up so I can go to sleep." Cameron replied, lying back down in their bed.
He sighed as she turned away from him, and tried in vain to keep the noise down (he didn't want to deal with a grumpy Cameron in the morning). Soon he had written the entire prologue and after a quick read-through, decided he should get some sleep too. Closing down his laptop, and taking of his glasses, he crawled in bed behind Cameron and wrapped an arm softly around her stomach.
"Thank you for the inspiration, by the way." He whispered in a rare moment of honesty, but she was already fast asleep.
"Okay, we have a teenage girl with depression…"
"Foreman, that's hardly new." House complained over his laptop.
The neurologist chose to ignore him, and instead continued to read the file to the rest of the team. "…And a couple of other psychological issues that House doesn't want to hear about. She collapsed halfway through a school play; just before she fell she told her friend that she couldn't see. I'm willing to say it's a neurological problem."
"Not necessarily, do we know if she had any other symptoms before she collapsed?" Chase countered.
"When you say, "couldn't see", do you mean blindness or blurred vision or…?" Cameron asked, letting her question trail off.
"We don't know, the patient is still unconscious but…"
"What's another way to say "on the other hand"?" House interrupted the diagnosis.
All three heads turned to look at him; two in confusion, one in annoyance.
"What? How is that relevant?" Chase dared to ask.
"It's not. At least, not relevant to your diagnosis, but to John and Claire it's very relevant."
"…And who exactly are John and Claire?" Foreman asked.
"Well, John is…ooooh, I get it, you're trying to find out my plot so you can steal it for your own novel! Ha! You clever thing you, shame I'm one step ahead of you!" House smirked, before grabbing his laptop and practically running out the door.
Foreman and Chase exchanged confused looks as they watched him limp down the corridor in the direction of Wilson's office.
"What the hell was that about?" Chase asked Cameron who seemed unfazed by the whole thing.
"NaNoWriMo." She muttered under her breath. Cameron didn't need to look up to know that her colleagues were utterly confused, and decided to take pity, "National Novel Writing Month. Don't expect him to even notice you exist for another thirty days, let alone give you a diagnosis."
"So, what? He's writing a novel in a month? That's insane! Who the hell would do that?" Foreman asked.
"I dunno, but I think about eighty thousand people signed up last year." Cameron sighed, taking a drink of her coffee.
"That's insane." Chase agreed.
"That's House." Cameron countered with a roll of her eyes.
And none of them could disagree with that.
Cuddy barged into his office, her body language clearly showing she was here to argue.
"Can we get this over and done with? I've got better things to be doing other than arguing with you." House said, eyes returning to his computer screen.
"You haven't done any work all day! People have been sitting in the clinic for hours waiting to see a doctor, while you're up here doing…whatever it is you're doing!" She shouted, arms flailing in the air.
"I'm doing NaNoWriMo." He replied simply.
"…You're doing who?!" Cuddy exclaims in shock.
"Not who, what. Just google it. And while you're at it, try looking on eBay for some less revealing tops. Honestly, you would think now I'm with Cameron, you would give up trying…"
"…Unless it's Wilson you've been trying to get into bed all these years…"
"House! Will you please try and have a mature conversation with me for two minutes?!" Cuddy asked with frustration, before trying again with a calmer voice, "Now, either go and help your team with the diagnosis or go and do some work in the clinic."
"Whatever you say, boss." He replied, closing his laptop and heading towards his door.
"Without your computer!"
He turned on the spot to see Cuddy staring him down, hands on hips.
"But I need it to research the possible diagnosis for our patient. Have you heard about poor Hannah? She passed out in the middle of Wizard of Oz, temporary blindness and all. Fascinating case." House tried with fake enthusiasm and concern.
"Her name is Anna, it was a production of Romeo and Juliet, and Cameron just told me it was double vision, not 'blindness'. Nice try, House. Leave the computer, and if I see you with it again today I'm doubling your clinic hours." Cuddy threatened before changing her mind and taking his laptop with her as she stalked out of his office.
"Cuddy stole my laptop!" House complained, bursting into Exam Room 2.
"Hello Dr.House, how nice of you to join the consult." Cameron said with sarcasm before turning back to her patient, "Okay, Henry, how long have you been having these stomach aches?"
"Student?" House interrupted, stepping into the room fully and closing the door behind him.
"Yes. I'm studying math at…"
"Does it look like I care? Your stomach hurts because you're eating crap non-stop, do you know what a vegetable is? Try eating some." He said to the patient before turning back to Cameron, "Is she evenallowed to do that? We're not in high school, Cuddy can't just take my possessions and give them back to me when she feels like it!"
"Not in high school, huh? I can really see that by the mature way you're handling the situation." Cameron replied with sarcasm once more while filling out a form for the patient.
"I'm going to prescribe you some mild painkillers for now, try eating a more balanced diet and if it still hurts after a week or so, come back and we can do another examination." She said, handing Henry his form and showing him the door.
"Thank you doctor." He said with a smile, closing the door behind him.
"He lied about studying math. Bet you five bucks he's doing a part-time course in media." House analysed as soon as the student had left the room.
"And what's wrong with media?" Cameron asked defensively.
"Nothing's wrong with media, I know your brother studied it and he's got brains. The fact remains that that idiot is ashamed of whatever he's studying and is lying to complete strangers about doing math which is stupid anyway because…What? You're looking at me funny."
She shook her head with a laugh, "You always assume people are lying, and you always assume you're right. What if he's actually studying math?"
"Well, he's not, so it's not an issue. The issue is that Cuddy has my laptop and I only have twenty-nine days left to write my book!" House exclaimed.
"What do you expect me to do about it, Greg?"
"She likes you!"
"That's an overstatement. She likes me better than you but that's really not saying anything."
"Exactly! Look, can you just try? Please?" He asked, stepping closer to her.
"Did you really just say 'please'?" She said in shock.
"Yes." He said softly, before cupping her chin with his hand and kissing her gently. Cameron instinctively kissed back, her arms resting on his hips as she tried desperately not to be distracted by the feel of his fingers running through her hair.
She pulled back and rested her forehead against his, "This book is really important to you, huh? I'll talk to Cuddy, but I can't promise anything," she said quietly.
"Thank you." House said, matching her tone. He left one last chaste kiss on her hairline before walking towards the door.
"Cuddy says you can have it back at the end of the day."
"WHAT?! Have I mentioned the whole 'not being in high school' thing?" House exclaimed, causing a few heads to turn towards the table where he and Cameron were having lunch.
"It's the best I could do! Cuddy also says, and I quote, 'if House is on that thing more than he usually is on his GameBoy, then I'll keep giving him extra clinic hours until he learns to grow up'."
"You could always write it on paper and then copy up your story when you get home?" Cameron suggested.
"No can do. That's my lucky laptop. I can't write anywhere else."
She just rolled her eyes, "So if you can't write all afternoon, does that mean you're going to help us with Anna's diagnosis?"
"Great! Case solved." House declared after they had worked out a reasonable diagnosis of the girl. "Chase, give her the drugs. Foreman, tell her parents what's going on and monitor her for a few hours. Cameron, go get my laptop!"
"Wait! What if the treatment doesn't work? There's still many other things it could be, we should do a full scan of her brain, make sure we haven't missed anything." Chase said, stopping House from leaving.
"Good idea, do that first then. And I'll see you tomorrow." He said, before grabbing his coat and walking out the door.
Cameron quickly apologised to her colleagues before rushing after her boss.
This was going to be a long month.
"Cameron!" He whined the following night after they had successfully cured the teenager.
"What?" She asked from his kitchen, trying to remember where she put the salt.
"I'm stuck!" House whinged again, staring at his computer screen with a pout.
She sighed, taking the chicken out of the oven.
"Why don't you eat your dinner first and then come back to it?" She shouted from his kitchen, like he was a small child.
"I'm calling Wilson."
"What? Why?" Cameron asked, walking into the living room.
"He's my muse." House replied plainly, picking up the phone beside him.
"Why can't I be your muse?"
"Awww, is ickle Cammie jealous?" He joked, dialling his best friend's number and watching as Cameron walked away in a sulk.
"I'm just jealous that you're spending more time with that book than you are with me." She muttered, walking back into the kitchen.
A week had now passed since the madness began, and Cameron lay in bed listening to the familiar sound of a tapping keyboard. She turned to look at him; from his forehead that wrinkled slightly in concentration to the little smile that twitched at the corner of his mouth. There was something beautiful about how passionate he was about the book, yet it hurt her that their relationship was effectively on hiatus until November was over. Cameron decided it was time to take action.
"We haven't had sex in a week." She said bluntly. She watched as his fingers faltered over the keys for a second, the only visible sign that this choice of conversation surprised him.
"Only because our fictional selves are far too busy at it." He muttered after a minute, fingers hovering uncertainly over the keyboard.
"What?" Cameron asked, sitting up beside him.
"The book Allie. I'm writing about us." House said with unusual shyness. "John and Claire are you and me. I wanted to keep it a surprise. That's why I haven't told you the plot, or asked for your help. It was gonna be your Christmas present…thought I'd do something for you for once."
Cameron was speechless; she never thought he would do something like this. She watched in a daze as he just stared at the computer screen in front of him trying to look impassive, when she could see the small signs of nervousness throughout his body.
"I…I don't know what to say." She said honestly.
"Then don't say anything. I just want to let you know that this is the first time I've been inspired in years, and I'm sorry for being such a grumpy bastard lately…I mean, more than usual." He said, finally turning to look at her. "Also, if you tell anyone that I am actually human, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you." House said with a smirk.
Cameron laughed, snuggling into his side as he showed her their story so far.
The month passed faster than House would've liked, and soon it was day number thirty. Luckily, they had no patients that day and by some miracle Cuddy hadn't dragged him downstairs for clinic duty (he somehow thinks Cameron is to thank).
"How's it going?" Wilson asked, walking into House's office, lunch in hand.
"Good. Just doing the epilogue now."
"One question, if this is a story about you and Cameron, then how do you know how it ends?" He asked, setting the sandwich down on House's desk.
"I don't. That's the point. Now give me that coffee before I pass out." He said, finishing the sentence he was on and grabbing the coffee from Wilson's hand.
"Cameron says you did an all-nighter last night." Wilson said, sitting down on the chair opposite his friend.
"Yup. Chapter thirty-eight is a right bitch. You doing anything tonight Jimmy?" He asked; his eyes still glued to the computer monitor.
"No…why? Throwing a party?"
"Nope. I need someone to read through it." House said with seriousness.
"What?! You want me to read your whole novel tonight? Why can't Cameron do it?" Wilson complained.
"Thanks for being so enthusiastic Jimmy," House replied with sarcasm, "And Cameron can't read it because she can't know the end."
"I thought you said there wasn't an end."
"IT'S OVER!!!" House shouted down the halls, practically dancing into Cuddy's office to tell her the good news.
"Oh, thank God. I don't think I could stand anymore of you being somewhat constructive…is it bad I miss the GameBoy days?" Cuddy said, grabbing her coat from her chair.
"You're telling me that after a whole month of torturing me about NaNoWriMo, you actually think it's constructive? Isn't 'constructive' Cuddy Code for you approving?"
"I didn't say I approved of it, I'm just saying it's strange to see you putting so much effort and hard work into something other than your Nintendo game." She rationalised, making her way out of the office.
"Oi! Wait for the crippled man." House joked, following her out into the lobby. "I need to ask you something."
"There's always something you need, isn't there House? What do you want this time?" She asked exasperated, turning to face him.
"I need you to take Cameron off-call for the weekend."
"O…kay. Any particular reason why?" She challenged.
"She's moving in. And with all the crap she owns, we're gonna need all weekend." House said, trying to act nonchalant.
"Cameron's moving in with you?" Cuddy asked sceptically, raising one eyebrow.
"Please don't subject me to the speech about boss and subordinate relationships again." House muttered.
She rolled her eyes, "Fine, I'll give you two the weekend off. Just…don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"When have I ever done anything stupid?" House asked defensively, "No…wait, don't answer that."
"Exactly." Cuddy said, turning on her heel and leaving House alone in the lobby.
It was late Sunday evening, and Cameron collapsed on the couch next to House in exhaustion.
"Okay, I think I've unpacked pretty much everything." She said, turning to see the empty boxes littered around the room.
"Good…so what do you think about 'John&Claire: The Sequel'?" House asked subtly, pretending to be interested in whatever was on the television.
"No, no, please don't tell me you're going to do NaNoWriMo again next year! This month has been eventful enough!" Cameron laughed.
Her only response was a smirk from her boyfriend, as he loosely draped his arm over her shoulders and relaxed in front of the television.
"So, you never did tell me the ending to your book." Cameron hinted after a moment of silence had passed.
"The ending? Well, that's easy. They all lived happily ever after."
And they did.
Told you it was cheesy. I don't know how I lived before I discovered crack!fic, I really don't.
Thanks for reading! Comments/reviews/concrit are all loved!