Giving a Damn by medea42

Usual copyright disclaimer: CHANT: Characters are not mine, um-lalalalala they are property of MTV -um, lalalalala though the characters are not mine, the concept is, and anyone who steals them without permission will find out really fast whether hexes work um-lalalalala

Special thanks to:
Ruthless Bunny
Brian Taylor
MeScribbler for beta-reading and helping me with consistency.

Act I:Scene 1

Casa Lane. Daria, Tom and Jane are seated in the living room. They are watching Event Horizon on the now-fixed downstairs television
set.

Daria: Wow! The melting flesh is almost poetic.

Jane: I'm trying to emulate that immolation look for a sculpture. Could you pause that so I can take a closer look?

Tom: Hm, could you make a bunch of those sculptures small-scale so I can switch them with the floral centerpieces at one of Mom's fundraisers?

Jane examines the shot, her face inches from the screen.

Jane: Art that ruins appetites. Now there's an exhibit theme.

Daria: But in this case, the theme might involve direct participation.

Tom: I thought that vegetable sculpture was along that idea, particularly when it started composting.

Jane: That was more of a process piece.

Daria stands.

Daria: Since you two aren't ready to kill each other, I'm getting a soda. Who wants some?

Tom and Jane: Me!

Act I: Scene 2

Lane kitchen. Trent is sitting at table, a notebook and a mug of coffee in front of him. Daria takes three sodas out of fridge, slamming a can directly in front of him.

Trent: (Jumps). Oh, hi Daria. I was just really into working on my lyrics.

Daria: You have two lines written.

Trent: Yeah. I think my muse went on vacation. But I was really into those two lines.

Daria: (Smirks.) Then I guess you can just call it a day then, if your train of thought has derailed.

Trent: Train of thought, chugging down - that's good Daria, thanks!

Daria: Do you ever look at the world for something besides song lyrics, Trent? (Takes stool across counter.)

Trent: Not when I can avoid it. (Both laugh.)

Daria: Say, isn't this your usual night at McGrundy's?

Trent: No, normally we're at the Zon. Nick's kid has chicken pox and Max and Jesse never caught it when they were kids.

Daria: Yeah, if Jesse caught that he might have to wear shirts for awhile.

Trent: (Laugh/cough.) Good one, Daria. So what are you guys doing
tonight?

Daria: Quality time with Jane and Tom. Now that they're no longer acting like we're in the middle of a divorce settlement. I'm glad to hang out with them, but I'm afraid if I keep this up I'll become social or something.

Trent places his hand over Daria's.

Trent: Jane and I will make sure you never suffer that horrible fate!

Daria looks at hand, surprised. Enter Tom. Daria quickly pulls her hand away.

Tom: We were starting to wonder if you got lost, Daria.

Trent: Daria and I were just chatting.

Tom: (Grabs a soda, puts a hand on Daria's shoulder.) What about?

Daria: "Ships and shoes and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings."(1)

Trent: Cool! I gotta use that for lyrics sometime! (Begins scribbling.)

Act I: Scene 3

Morgendorffer house. Daria enters through front door. Quinn is coming down stairs and has a book in one hand and a phone in the other.

Quinn: Stacy, I have to go. My mom is yelling for me. (Turns phone off.) Daria, there you are!

Daria: Mom's at work and I don't have any money to lend you. I am also NOT doing any of your chores for less than twenty dollars.

Quinn: I know that. And I want to talk to you about something else. Telling Stacy Mom was yelling for me was just the fastest way to get her off the phone.

Daria: It would certainly take less explanation than telling her you wanted to talk to your weird cousin.

Quinn: Could we drop that for now? I really want to ask you something.

Daria: All right. What do you want, and how much are you willing to pay?

Quinn: I want you to go to a movie with me.

Daria: They won't let me in for NC-17 ratings either, it won't work. Besides, you still have that ID. And you hate the scenes that make it NC-17.

Quinn: Not that kind of movie.

Daria: So what kind of movie?

Quinn: A classic movie, at the old Lawndale Degas theater.

Daria: The one where they show Rocky Horror(2) every weekend? I am NOT going to that. Seeing Kevin in Brittany's thong once was more than enough.

Quinn: They show stuff besides Rocky Horror. I want to go to a day showing.

Daria: And you're not asking your dates to take you because?

Quinn: Because...when I go to a movie with a date, I can't really enjoy it because I have to make sure he stays too busy to touch me or to watch the movie. Even if it means going to the bathroom six times to check my makeup. When I go with Sandi or Stacy or Tiffany, we talk about what the actors wear and where we can buy it, so even then I never really watch the movie because we're so busy discussing it.

Daria: DURING the movie.

Quinn: When ELSE would we talk about that stuff?

Daria: So you want to subject me to your company because?

Quinn: There's some stuff my friends just won't get, really esoteric ideas and I thought you might be the right person to go to the movie with so we could talk about that stuff.

Daria: Did I just hear you say esoteric?

Act I: Scene 4

Lane house. Jane is painting, phone rings. She picks up, dripping paint all over the phone. cut to split screen of Jane and Tom on phones

Jane: Yo!

Tom: Hi Jane! I was calling to see if Daria was at your house?

Jane: Nope, haven't seen her since last night.

Tom: That's strange. I was supposed to pick her up, but her mom said she left a message she'd gone to your house. She seemed a little weird last night.

Jane: You've dated her how long and you just noticed?

Tom: OK, same weird, different avenue.

Jane: What was she doing?

Tom: Talking to Trent?

Jane: What's so weird about that?

Tom: Nothing, I guess. I just haven't seen her really talking with him much in ages. And I felt like she was hiding something.

Jane: Hiding something? You mean besides every emotion she's ever had?

Tom: Apparently there's ever more to Daria than meets the eye. I wonder if she'll snap someday.

Jane: I'll be there with my camera. I'll be sad, but I still think I should make money off the pictures. Do you know what spontaneous combustion goes for on Sick Sad World?

Tom: Aside from the charming image of my girlfriend as a bloody glob splattered across the pavement of life...does she have a history with Trent?

Jane: Besides a history of disappointment and humiliation? Really, that could be anybody. It's Trent's history with himself. Anyway, she's not here, and I'm in the middle of work. Can we talk later?

Tom: I will hold you to that.

Jane: Good. I could use some free pizza.

Act I: Scene 5

Inside Lawndale Movie Theater. Daria and Quinn are waiting in line for popcorn. Trent comes in behind them, and stands a few feet away,
quietly.

Daria: I am getting butter and salt on mine.

Quinn: EW! I have to watch my figure, so I'll just get a diet drink.

Daria: Quinn, do you ever think about what you ate for lunch and get depressed about what could have been?

Trent laughs/coughs. Daria turns around, and blushes when she sees Trent. Trent realizes she's seen him and blushes.

Quinn: Hi! What are you doing here?

Trent: (Still blushing.) This is my favorite movie.

Daria: You told Jane your favorite movie was a tie between Star Wars and Airheads(3).

Trent: (Rubbing back of his neck.) I'm in a band, Daria. I have to maintain a certain image.

Quinn: Oh, Trent, say no more. I know all about what maintaining image means. I'm the Queen of image.

Daria: You're the queen of something, alright.

Quinn steps between them and grabs Trent and Daria's arms, hauling them towards the seats.

Quinn: Let's all sit together. We'll have fun pretending we never saw each other!

Daria/Trent: But what about my popcorn?

Quinn: Oh, fiddle dee dee!

Act I: Scene 6

Casa Lane, Jane's room. Phone rings. Jane picks up, and without saying yo, begins speaking.

Jane: For crying out loud Tom, I'm trying to paint here. No, I'm not using gummy bears but if you keep bugging me about this I'll gladly feed you my turpentine! Fine, fine. Look, if you come over now and I tell you, will you quit bugging me? Fine! hangs up phone.

Act I: Scene 7

Cut to movie theater. Quinn sits on the aisle, with Daria next to her and Trent next to Daria. Quinn is enraptured in the movie, clutching her hands before her heart. Trent has a single tear sliding down his cheek. He takes a sidelong look at Daria, who looks bored insane.

OS: After all, tomorrow IS another day.

Lights come up. Silence. Daria is still frozen in place

Daria: That was actually kind of good for being obscenely long.

Quinn: Thank you Daria for giving me a moment. Now go ahead and tear
the show to shreds.

Trent: Uh, yeah. What do you think, Daria?

Daria: Sorry, the sarcasm tank is empty.

Trent: Uh, is this the first movie she's ever seen where she didn't have anything to make fun of?

Quinn: There WAS that one by Tim Burton that had the martians and Jack Nicholson killed twice.(4) She almost smiled for three days after seeing that. Uh, Trent, could you help me move her? I think she's too stunned to move.

Trent and Quinn take either arm, lift Daria up.

Daria: Wow.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION IN COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

Act 2:Scene 1

Morgendorffer house. Daria and Quinn come through front door. Jake and Helen are waiting in front of doorway. Helen has the phone in her hand, and Jake has his car keys.

Helen: There you two are. What have you been up to?

Daria: Shopping

Quinn: Library

Jake: uh, something's not right here.

Daria: I dropped Quinn off at the library, and then I went
shopping.

Jake: That's nice honey, what did you buy?

Daria: Uh, nothing. I didn't find t.

Helen: What were you looking for, sweetie? You really could use some new clothes.

Daria: Serial killer collectible cards.

Helen: Oh.

Jake: (To himself) I still need money for golf. Golf! My client! (Runs out the door.)

The phone rings.

Helen: Hello? Oh, HI Eric.

Daria and Quinn look at each other and both dash up the stairs.

Quinn: Nice save, Daria. Mom getting all mushy would just drive me crazy.

Daria: Particularly since there was no way to get money out of it.

Quinn: EXACTLY

Act II: Scene 2

Casa Lane. Jane is sitting on the couch next to Tom, Trent enters.

Jane: You're up early. It's only 6pm.

Trent: I've been up since 11.

Jane: Woah. You okay?

Trent: Yeah, I'm fine. I just had...uh, early practice today.

Jane: I thought the Spiral was dark until Nick's kid gets better.

Trent: Oh yeah.

Jane: So where were you? You did notice that no one else was practicing with you?

Trent: I was nowhere.

Jane: You're nowhere all the time. What's so special about this nowhere?

Trent looks at Tom.

Trent: Nothing. I'm going to bed.

Exits.

Tom: Have you thought about doing an intervention on the sleep thing?

Jane: It's the only vice he really has. He's not awake long enough to do anything else that's bad for him. Can't figure out where that cough comes from, though.

Tom: He'd probably take a nap while we were talking to him anyway.

Act II: Scene 3

Daria's bedroom. Quinn and Daria are sitting on the bed with a book between them.

Daria: Okay. Gone with the Wind didn't suck. It actually said some fairly important things about war and racism -- that I notice were drastically misinterpreted in the movie.

Quinn: The difference between the book and the movie is huge - the messages are really different. The first book is wonderful, but DON'T read the sequel. Scarlett was like cheap lip gloss - all the color, half the flavor and none of the staying power.

Daria: That's an impressive analogy. A perfect combination of the shallow and still a potent social statement. Very Scarlett O'Hara. Quinn, what is all this really about?

Quinn: What is what about? The movie was about the societal changes of the civil war, Daria, how could you miss that?

Daria: No, I mean the sudden spend-time-with me urge.

Quinn: Oh, don't make me say anything admissible in a court of law.

Doorbell rings.

Helen: OS: Quinn, your friends are here!

Quinn dashes off.

Daria: Did I hear her say admissible?

Act II: Scene 4

Morgendorffer living room. The fashion club is gathered. Stacy frets on the couch as Tiffany sits beside her. Sandi is standing, arms crossed over her chest.

Sandi: Quinn, I suggest you sit down for this.

Quinn: OK. Uh, can I get you guys anything?

Sandi: I'd rather we make this quick.

Tiffany: Yeah, quick.

Sandi: Today you missed the third fashion club meeting in a month. This pattern of behavior is unacceptable.

Quinn: (Laughing nervously.) There was another meeting today? We already meet four times a week, I just forgot.

Sandi: That is NOT acceptable.

Stacy: Besides, we know you've been going to the library. I saw you.

Everyone stares at her.

Stacy: I was at the Retro-New shop across the street!

Sandi: We will discuss your presence at a – a – consignment store after we deal with this situation, Stacy.

Quinn: My Mom's been making me go, to keep up with my tutoring material.

Sandi: I'm sure if you had your priorities organized, you would find a better way to spend your time. If anyone saw you around so many books, it would jeopardize your popularity. Someone would think you were a BRAIN.

Quinn: Sandi, I'm sure no one would think -

Daria comes down stairs, pauses as Sandi makes these comments

Sandi: Especially with that weird cousin of yours around. Braininess MUST run in your family; it's probably some genetic defect that's coming out in you.

Quinn: Sandi, it's not LIKE that. My, um, cousin isn't even really related to me. If I were turning smart, do you think I'd NEED to be at the library?

Sandi: For some reason, I don't believe you.

Quinn: Why would getting a little smarter make someone a popularity danger, anyway? Who are you to judge that?

Sandi: Quinn, the purpose of the fashion club is to inform the community of fashion standards and to track who is the most popular in our school, and maintain quality popularity. It's survival of the fittest, Quinn.

Tiffany: Yeah, the fittest.

Daria: Wouldn't Darwin be proud.

Act II: Scene 5

Quinn leans against door of Morgendorffer house, looking dejected. Enter Daria from downstairs.

Daria: Are your little friends gone?

Quinn: Yes. (Sighs.) Anyway, we were still talking about Gone With the Wind, and we didn't even touch on the social status of women yet.

Daria: No, we never finished because you ran off with your fashion fiends and turned into Mr. Hyde(5).

Quinn: Sometimes I wish I'd never seen that tutor. Your insults were bad enough when I didn't understand them.

Daria: Well understand. Maybe someday you'll get as far as understanding how another person feels. (Steps past Quinn, shuts door behind her.)

Quinn: (To the door.) I'm sorry.

Act II: Scene 6

Casa Lane. Tom and Jane are still sitting in living room talking.

Tom: Everything you've told me so far I already know, except for that whole situation with the coffee house and her Melody Powers(6) story.

Jane: I think that's all you really need to know without her telling you.

Tom: But you're her best friend. Aren't you supposed to enjoy making her suffer?

Jane: Only when I have a vested interest in who she's embarrassed in front of.

Tom: Like who?

Jane: Like someone that would have interest for me to vest.

Knock on door. Jane gets up and answers.

Jane: Daria?

Daria: Hi. I needed to get out for awhile.

Jane: And Tom wasn't home.

Daria: Nope. (Sees Tom.) And that's why Tom wasn't home.

Tom: I'm busy grilling your best friend for stories about you.

Daria: Because asking me would be just too easy.

Tom: Exactly. Besides, I want the WHOLE story. I figured Jane might go for a few humiliation points.

Jane: Which I haven't.

Daria: Taking more opportunity to make your ex suffer?

Jane: Exactly.

Daria: (to Tom) Better you than me.

Tom: Nice to know I'm popular around here.

Daria and Jane smirk.

Daria: So what dirty details did you divulge?

Tom: That you started an anti-Communist riot, you got your navel pierced and that you almost dated a cult member.(7/8)

Daria: To Jane and that's NOT the embarrassing information.

Jane: Oh no.

Tom: So exactly why did you get your navel pierced?(7)

Daria glares at Jane.

Daria: Kill you.

Jane: Hey, he's not the only one who has some paying back to do.

Act II: Scene 7

Jake is sitting at Morgendorffer kitchen table reading a newspaper. Enter Quinn, still looking sad.

Quinn: Daddy, can I talk to you?

Jake puts down paper.

Jake: What do you need, honey? Will my gold card cover it?

Quinn: No, it's not that.

Jake: You'll get your learner's permit on your next birthday, honey.

Quinn: It's not that either.

Jake: Uh, can it wait for your mother?

Quinn: My friends are mad at me.

Jake: (Reaches in wallet.) Here honey, take the platinum card. Just bring me the receipts, OK? Your dad's heart can't take seeing real leopard skin shoes on the bill again.

Act II: Scene 9

Casa Lane. Jane is snickering on the couch while Tom is on his knees, begging Daria about the piercing job.

Tom: But Daria, all I want to know is why. Just tell me!

Daria: I am NOT telling you anything!

Tom: But why? Just one simple reason!

Daria: I don't have to tell you!

Trent appears on the stairwell.

Trent: Uh, Daria?

Daria: Yeah?

Trent: Could you break up with your boyfriend at your house? It's keeping me awake.

Jane starts to laugh even harder

Tom: We're not breaking up!

Jane: Tom wants to know why Daria got her navel pierced.

Trent: You got it pierced again? Let me see!

Daria: (Covering her belly.) No, I didn't again. He wanted to know why I did it the first time.

Trent: Oh. Because it looked cool, right Daria?

Trent stands between Tom and Daria, winks at Daria. Tom catches the wink.

Daria: Right.

Tom: That's IT? That's the only reason?

Trent: Better than if she did it for some guy. (Smirks, exits.)

Pan to Jane's expression. She looks confused.

Tom: I guess the next question for our mysterious Ms. Morgendorffer is where she was this afternoon.

Daria: Nowhere you'd appreciate.

Jane: You were gone this afternoon? That's weird. Trent's whereabouts were unaccounted, too. You're not having secret rendezvous with my brother are you?

Daria: Blame it on those damned aliens that get us out of bed too early.

Tom: Oh no, you won't tell me about the piercing, at least tell me where you were this afternoon.

Daria: No!

Trent pokes head out from kitchen.

Trent: Daria, can I talk to you for a minute?

Daria: Um, sure. (To Tom and Jane.) Excuse me.

Jane: What's up with them?

Tom: You don't think they were together this afternoon, do you?

Tom and Jane look at each other, eyes widened.

Together: Nah.

Act II: Scene 10

Quinn's room. She is lying on her bed, reading Wuthering Heights. Helen enters.

Helen: Honey, are you feeling OK? Why aren't you on a date?

Quinn: I just didn't feel like it tonight, Mom.

Helen: Your dad says that when he gave you his platinum card, you just gave it right back to him. Is something wrong?

Quinn sets aside book.

Quinn: I think I really hurt my friend's feelings, and I'm just starting to realize how important this person is to me, and I'm afraid she just won't let me take it back.

Helen: Now honey, I'm sure Sandi will just get over it -

Quinn: Uh, yeah, sure.

Helen exits. Quinn settles back on her bed.

Act II: Scene 11

Helen and Jake's bedroom. Jake is reading, and Helen slips into bed beside him.

Jake: So what's the matter with Quinn?

Helen: She had a fight with Daria.

Jake: Why would that upset her?

Helen: I think the fight was actually about something this time.

Jake: How should we handle it?

Helen: We don't. This is between sisters. I left my rolodex downstairs open to Jane's number. Quinn will handle this fine.

Act II: Scene 12

Lane kitchen. Trent and Daria are sitting across from each other, sipping from steaming mugs.

Trent: I noticed a big change in mood from earlier today. What's the matter?

Daria: Fight with Quinn.

Trent: But you were getting along fine earlier.

Daria: Yes, but then the real Quinn returned from her two dimensional plane.

Trent: That's too bad. Seems like you and your sister could almost have what Janey and I do -- with actual parenting.

Daria: I used to hope for that, too, and I almost did today.

Trent: What did she do that you're so mad at her?

Daria: She just acted like herself.

Trent: How?

Daria: (Hesitates.) Quinn has this group of friends - the Fashion Club - and she manages to both cater to and compete with them. She sees me as a risk to her competition, and won't even admit that I'm her sister.

Trent: That's rough. I feel sorry for Quinn.

Daria: What?

Trent: She's so worried about what other people think of her that she has to shortchange the coolest person in her life.

Daria blushes. The phone rings. Trent answers

Trent: Yeah. OK, yeah. Why don't you come over? Yeah, see you in a few. (Hangs up.) I've got a rehearsal thing in a minute. Want to go check on Jane and Tom?

Daria: I'm not worried about them. Are you?

Trent: I'm just looking for a free shot at Tom.

Daria: (Chuckles.) Good one.

COMMERCIAL BREAK. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION IN COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. PLEASE CHECK YOUR BRAINS AT THE DOOR, AND AFFILIATE ALL SOULS WITH THE GIANT SQUID.

Act 3: Scene 1
Casa Lane. Tom and Jane are in Jane's bedroom, watching TV.

TV Screen: Cut to bearded man pontificating from a phone book. "Dial 555-YELL and be SAVED? The Church of the Golden Microphone, next on Sick Sad World!"(9)

Jane mutes TV.

Tom: Those two have been talking for an awfully long time.

Jane: They're like that sometimes. Especially lately.

Tom: Lately?

Jane: The fair Daria seems to have found her tongue around sir Trent.

Tom: I can't imagine Daria shy around anyone. Resentful, bitter and angry, but not shy.

Jane: The only time I've ever seen her that way is with Trent. Then he disappointed her, and she found out he was the same as any other mortal male.

Tom: Oh. (Gets it.) OH! Excuse me, but I think I have a conversation I want to interrupt.

Jane: (Grabs Tom's arm.) Don't.

Tom: Why not?

Jane: Do YOU want to disappoint Daria?

Tom: Your brother is chatting up my girlfriend.

Jane: My brother is talking to his friend. Do we really need more drama? Really?

Tom: Good point. Say, you don't still have that web camera, do you?

Jane: My crazy ex smashed it with a baseball bat.

Tom: Oh. Yeah.

Doorbell rings

Jane: Hm. At this hour it's probably Wind amidst yet another divorce. If you'll excuse me.

Act III: Scene 2

Lane front entryway. Jane opens door.

Jane: Quinn, what are you doing here at this hour?

Quinn: Trent told me to come over.

Monique appears behind Quinn.

Monique: Hi Jane!

Jane: Isn't this quite the collection of Trent's? Come in, both of you.

Trent enters from kitchen.

Trent: Hey Quinn. Daria's in the kitchen. Hey Monique. Long time.

Monique walks over and gives Trent an affectionate hug.

Monique: Good to see you. How's the Spiral?

Trent: Doing well. We're on a break.

Monique: Yeah, I heard about Nick's kid.

Trent: I remember what Jesse was like to work with when he just got poison ivy. So what's new with you?

Monique: (Flashes ring.) Axl popped the question last week.

Trent: (Eyes widen.) Woah. Congrats!

Monique: AND the Harpies landed a gig as an opener for Tori Amos.

Trent: I am SO happy for you.

Jane: And I didn't know you two were broken up. Trent, did you know?

Trent ignores Jane.

Trent: So what brings you here this evening?

Monique: Actually, I was hoping to talk to Jane or that friend of hers.

Jane: You want to talk to Daria?

Act III: Scene 3

Lane kitchen. Daria and Quinn have apparently been talking for awhile.

Quinn: Like I said, I'm sorry. I'm only starting to understand why I do all of this stuff, and I like being popular and attractive but it's not so fun anymore. And the stuff you're interested in is fun in a weird not-fun way.

Daria: And cutting me down to the Fashion Club helps you have your cake and eat it, too.

Quinn: (Sighs.) I wish I didn't know what that means how, but yes.

Tom enters, stands at kitchen doorway when he sees Daria and Quinn together.

Daria: So I canceled my date with Tom for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Quinn: YOU didn't have to lie to him about it. You had nothing at stake.

Daria: Nothing until I got there, that is.

Quinn: Hey, I didn't ask Trent to be there.

Tom turns on his heel and walks out

Daria: I just suck at keeping secrets from Jane, and it's such a weird thing for him to like.

Quinn: Daria, I'm sorry. I want to make this better, but I'm not good at looking at life your way. I'm totally new to this thinking stuff, and it takes practice!

Daria: Fine Quinn, I accept your apology.

Quinn: Can you help me get back into the fashion club?

Daria: I should have guessed you had an ulterior motive.

Quinn: I am related to YOU, after all.

Enter Trent with Monique. Daria looks mildly disappointed at seeing Monique.

Trent: Monique came over to see you, Daria.

Daria: What?

Monique: I want some fashion tips. (Sees Quinn.) Hey, that's one of them.

Quinn: One of what?

Monique Those little brats that drive my friend Theresa crazy. (Takes a hard look at Quinn I see you're one of their victims, but don't worry. Trent and Jane are great with rehabilitating the lost.) I hear Daria's not half-bad either - we'll get you fixed up with your own look and your own mind in no time.

Quinn: Eep!

Daria: Quinn, I think I see an opportunity in this for you. And for me.

Enter Tom

Tom: Daria, I'm leaving. I'll talk to you later.

Daria: OK, bye. (Looks confused, raises hand.)

Quinn: (Senses trouble.) Tom, are you mad at Daria over the movie? She didn't go there with Trent, she just ran into him.

Tom: Huh?

Quinn: We went to see Gone with the Wind today and we ran into Trent. Trent was so cute, crying at the end.

Trent and Daria glare at Quinn

Monique: It is kind of gratifying when you find out for sure your ex is 1000 times less cool than you.

Jane: So Quinn really is Jake's daughter.

Daria: Quinn, remember how you DIDN'T see us?

Quinn: Did I say something wrong?

Daria: Since you went back on your word, I guess I COULD let the Fashion Club members know your whereabouts.

Quinn: So, Monique, what would you like?

Act II: Scene 4

Lawndale High, Jane is standing at Daria's locker. Jane has a camcorder with her, and Daria holds a copy of Waif and Wraith magazine.

Daria: Erk. I think my brains are leaking just from holding these magazines.

Jane: Looks in Daria's ear Nope, not even a trickle yet. Maybe they're just trying to crawl out of your lobe from revulsion.

Daria: Come to think of it...think...nah, lost it. Wow, this explains a lot about Quinn. What do they put in the ink and perfume ads??

Jane: Speaking of...

Quinn enters.

Quinn: Daria, I just need you to hold up that copy of Wraith. Here, give me Waif. Thanks, now just stand right there, they're on their way.

Enter Fashion Club, all dressed in outfits similar to Daria's. Sandi sees Daria holding up Wraith and recoils in horror.

Sandi: No, this can't be!

Quinn: Oh, hi, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany...OH MY GOD! What happened to you?

Sandi: We were informed that Wraith was the newest in fashion authority, and so we transferred all of our shopping efforts to Retro-New.

Quinn: The consignment shop? You know, I heard from Claire, that really cool owner of Fashion boutique, that Theresa was fired for trying to lead people astray from fashion. It seems she converted to the UnPOPular.

Stacy: Oh no!

Tiffany: That is so wrong...

Sandi: So we ended up looking like this because SHE converted? NOOO! Not possible.

Quinn: Then explain why a BRAIN is reading Wraith. And in PUBLIC, too!

Jane zooms in with her video camera. Sandi sees her.

Sandi: Stop filming. I will NOT be seen like this!

Quinn: You know, I do have a way with brains, but I'm on probation with the fashion club. Otherwise I'd be able to help you out, make sure the video doesn't come out.

Sandi: Very well. Ladies, shall we reinstate Quinn as a member of the Fashion Club?

Stacy/Tiffany: Yes!

Sandi: Then you're in. Now, help us with an emergency clothes change operation.

Quinn: No problem. (Calls over her shoulder.) Boys!

The 3 Js appear with a zooming noise.

Quinn: Boys, we need a car.

Jeffy: Sure Quinn! (Hands her keys.)

Quinn: Joey and J...Jasper, you each have classes with Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany. Tell the teachers they're sick and seeing a doctor in the city.

Js: OK.

Quinn: You'd think I'd deserve a promotion.

Sandi: Don't push it, Morgendorffer.

Act II: Scene 5

Cut to Jane and Daria, in Lawndale hallway

Jane: to think, for a moment there you were the fashion center of Lawndale high. Are you sorry you missed an opportunity to be a trendsetter?

Daria: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

lalalala music

Author's Notations:
Again, this is from my semi-canon series. I intend to play both sides of the shipper question as long as I can. I think the entire concept of Daria only having "one" love interest is just ridiculous because she's a teenage girl, thus I like to push the envelope. Ours is not a binary universe.

Notes:
1 Lewis Carroll, from the poem The Walrus and the Carpenter

2 Rocky Horror Picture Show - a classic B movie that's almost C, a musical horror story. At least 2 well-known fanfic authors write about the adventures of the Daria cast with this movie and its peculiar cult following. And it's funny.

3 Airheads - the ultimate band wannabe movie. Brendan Frasier plays a musician whose band hijacks a radio station just for airplay.

4 Mars Attacks - a Tim Burton film where aliens take over the Earth and blow up Congress.

5 Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson: a man splits his personality by drinking a potion.

6)Cafe Disaffecto

7)Pierce Me

8)The New Kid

9)This is an actual group whose only goal is to list more members than those counted by the Southern Baptist church. They hang out on street corners in Nashville every Friday night, and hold proselytization contests with the Christian street preachers.