In the Light of the Sun

He has never really forgiven me.

Even as I close my eyes, I still hear the bang. I see my husband holding her in his arms. Holding her, loving her, even in death.

You can't understand how hard this has been for me. You can't understand. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't, and she made me hate myself. But what she did to Chris- I can't forgive her for what she did to him.

"It was my gun," he keeps saying. "I gave it to her, when I failed to get her out. It was my gun. I- I killed her."

His eyes- oh God, his eyes, when he says that! I try to take him in my arms, but he brushes me away.

I try to tell him I'm sorry, but all he says is that there's nothing to forgive. He never holds me at night anymore- I lie awake, and hear him leave the room. I know that he goes to see Tam.

"He has her eyes, Ellen. He has Kim's eyes!"

I want to scream.

He loves her, even in death- never stopped loving her, never will! I know how that what he said in Bangkok- "You are all I have now"- oh, it was true, until he saw her again. I was never what she was, never can be, never will be. He loved her.

And she killed herself because I convinced her he didn't.

I should have let him go. For his sake, it should have been her, not me. Never me.

He chose me.

But I made him choose. I made him! What else could he have said? He saw me, but he hadn't seen her!

I wish he never had.

I wish to God she had never lived, had never died, had never met my husband.

But she did, and I see the daily reminder as I look at Tam. I can't look him in the face without feeling guilt. I see her eyes, begging me to say that I was lying, begging to take her son away. I hear myself, saying no.

Sometimes I envy her. She was able to escape this. I can't, because of what she's done. How can I abandon Tam?

But how can I live with him? Each day, it's torture to me. Tam is a physical reminder of what I caused, of what I will never have with Chris, of the past I never knew, of the future I will never have.

I want to hate her, but instead, I hate only myself.

A/N: I wrote this a while ago, after seeing "Miss Saigon" and bawling my eyes out through the whole thing. I admit that, at first, I was far from an Ellen sympathiser, but I think the poor woman must have suffered dreadfully for making choices that seemed to her to be right.

This is unbetad, so forgive me for any grammatical errors.