Irish is the new Black

Chapter 4 – Slán go foil!

AN: You know, I've been a part of this fanfic community for a long time and it's always been a well-known rule that you don't dare tell someone how to write their story or what they should even write about in the first place.

Apparently that rule has been forgotten by some.

If you have a problem with me showing the Troubles to be as ridiculous as they actually were, then you can ahead and suck my dick because I am not going to sit here and cry about all the terrible things that have happened to the people of Northern Ireland. It was a crap time, but you know what? It's over.

"Do you not think it's a bit trivialising to the troubles to set a sitcom there?"

HELL no. If you're from Ireland, odds are you've heard of a little show called Give My Head Peace. The guys on that show have made fun of The Troubles since I was bloody 4 years old! Jesus. Lighten up! When terrorists break into your house and shoot at the police from your bedroom window while you're sitting downstairs, it will bloody teach you to laugh at scary stuff. It was either laugh or wet yourself, and I didn't have nearly enough boxers to pursue the latter.

"They only ended 10 years ago after all."

Okay, you gotta stop using wikipedia as your source. 10 years? Try, 10 months.

Thanks to you guys who welcome satire with open arms. I know Christmas was a difficult time for people getting to read fanfic, so hopefully more of you get a chance to read this chapter. This is actually the last one. I know, surprise. It was a big shock for me as well when I sat down to write it. But honestly, I feel like I've explored enough of the Troubles for one story and I don't want to spend a chapter going over what you've already seen in terms of bombs, prejudices and bitterness. So, instead, Hyde is going to meet his daddy. :) Apologies for how short it is, but there's no point wasting your time in reading filler lines. This does what it needs to.

Disclaimer: Own nothing to do with That '70s Show. But I'll claim Season 8 Jackie if no-one wants her.

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EUROPA HOTEL LOBBY

(RED, KITTY and DONNA are sitting at the bar. KITTY is browsing through a tourist guide while RED munches away at a bowl of peanuts)

DONNA: So, Mr. and Mrs. Forman, what are you going to do today?

RED: This. (He downs another handful) There's not a chance in hell I am stepping foot outside this hotel while those morons are out there setting off every mine and bomb in sight.

KITTY: Oh, Re-

RED: Epp! Do not even think about it, Kitty! You can try all you want, but I am not going sightseeing with you. I don't care if you play the, "I miss Eric!" card or pull the, "I have menopause, you bald bastard!" line. I'm not going and that's final!

(RED keeps his eyes fixed on her, waiting for the jungle pounce from his wife.)

KITTY: Fine. If you want to stay here, Red Forman, then I'm not going to force you to do otherwise. (RED appears beyond bewilderment)

RED: Well, good. I'm glad you realise that.

KITTY: Oh, I do! And since I'll be out on these dangerous streets all on my own, I'll be sure to take so many photos and buy so many souvenirs and clothes and meet so many people, that we can spend all night and the whole flight home talking about everything I saw, bought, thought about, ate, picked up, put down, smiled at-

RED: I'll get my jacket. (KITTY gloats) God, I hate Ireland.

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12 HOURS LATER

(RED comes into the hotel wearing a tricolour hat, a shamrock t-shirt and trousers with "GUINNES" branded on them. He's holding dozens of little souvenir bags and forgets to hold the door open for a dishevelled and traumatised-looking KITTY.)

RED: I love Ireland! (KITTY gives him a death glare)

KITTY: Well, I don't! This has been the most horrifying day of my life and I have had enough of these… drunk, immoral… sleazoids! Why on earth did you insist we go out today, Red Forman?!

RED: Me?? I- (sighs) Kitty, you're the one who wanted to see the Irish Isles. I just wanted to stay in and eat my nuts!

KITTY: Well, you can eat them all you want because I won't be eating them for you!

(Wretching is heard behind the reception desk)

DONNA: Mr. and Mrs. Forman! (RED and KITTY spot her by the bar and make their way over) Hi. How was your day?

RED: Wonderful.

KITTY: Terrible.

RED: Oh, would you let it go! It was nothing! So he mistook you for a… (RED breaks off in a snicker and earns himself a smack on the shoulder from KITTY)

DONNA: A what? What happened? What? Guys, come on! You're killing me! What were you mistaken for, Mrs. Forman?

KITTY: Nothing! Just a… little... (mumbles)

RED: (smirking) Come again?

KITTY: (whispering) A ho…er.

DONNA: One more time.

KITTY: A HOOKER, all right! He thought I was a hooker! A cheap, easy, street-corner, hot pants wearing hooker! (DONNA's jaw drops and she looks to RED for an explanation, but he's too busy shaking with laughter and wiping tears from his eyes) Cut it out!

RED: God, I think I'm going to have another heart attack!

JACKIE: What's going on?

KITTY: Nothing you need to know about, Jackie.

JACKIE: But now I have to know! Keeping gossip from me is like hiding a ham from Donna. Sooner or later, I'm gonna pound you to the ground until I get it. Donna, tell me!

DONNA: I can't. I smell a ham being cooked and a girl in need of pounding. (DONNA walks off)

JACKIE: Hmph. I bet Eric's glad he got away before she started PMS'ing.

KITTY: How are you not stabbed in your sleep more? (JACKIE shrugs) Anyway, where's Steven?

JACKIE: He's upstairs trying to push Michael and Fez down the laundry shoot.

KITTY: Oh dear.

JACKIE: No, it's okay. They asked him to do it.

KITTY: Well… when he's done, tell him we need to speak to him. It's about his father.

JACKIE: Oh, my God! Did you find him?

KITTY: Uh… (she looks back to RED) we would really like to talk to Steven first, Jackie.

JACKIE: (sighs) That's fine. Just give me an idea of how much we can milk this guy for? No, wait. I'll find out for myself this Christmas. If I get Prada, Steven gets Dada.

KITTY: (frowning) I'm… I'm just so happy Steven found you.

JACKIE: Mmm, you should be. Before me, he dated the biggest sluts you've ever met! (She sees KITTY's appalled face) And, "slut"… is Irish for choir girl.

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BARNARDO'S ORPHANAGE

UPPER NEWTONARDS ROAD

"542-544 Upper Newtonards Road," Hyde recited. He looked up from the scribbled address Kitty had handed him an hour ago and took in the sight of his father's residence.

The Victorian structure and the marble pillars made this house stand out from the rest of what he'd seen during his short time in Belfast. It was actually pretty impressive, not to mention ironic, that his dad was heading up an orphanage which, along with its other branches, had saved over ten million children from homelessness and social alienation in the past 150 years.

Hyde tucked the address into his back pocket and walked up the steps to the front door. He rang the bell.

"Yeah, just a minute!" He heard the latch click and a few seconds later, he saw his dad standing in front of him. "Hi. What can I do for you?" Hyde closed his eyes. His plan had been to blink, but he was having a bit of difficulty getting his body to listen to his brain. "You alright, son?"

That did it.

"What? Son? I'm not. I mean, I am. Hyde, I am." Hyde cringed at how he was conducting himself. He tried again. He took a deep breath and looked up at his dad. "I'm Hyde."

"Okay. I'm Ciaran. Now, do you need to come in? We don't have any free rooms, but, you know, we can always squeeze one more-"

"No!" Hyde shouted. He cringed again. Shouting at his father probably wasn't the best way to connect with him. "Man, I'm sorry. Let me try this again. I'm Hyde." He held out his hand, which Ciaran met in a shake. "I'm here to see you."

"Oh, are you the guy from the paper? I thought you were coming later…"

Hyde shook his head. "No, I'm not from anywhere important," he rushed out. He a little short of breath, very clammy and extremely uneasy. He felt like somebody was going to jump out at him at any moment. His eyes fell to Ciaran's shoes, to the ground, to the garden, to the toys on the grass, to the handprints on the wall and to the sounds of crying and laughing inside the house. Hyde looked back at Ciaran. "You know what, I actually have to go. This isn't a good time, so I'll maybe… come back another time. If that's alright." Ciaran nodded.

"Sure, okay. Look, are you sure you're alright? You can come in for a drink or for a glass of water if you don't feel good."

"No, it's cool, man." Hyde backed down the steps. "I actually have some people waiting on me I gotta go see."

"Alright. Take care of yourself."

"You too."

Ciaran turned to go back inside the house, but Hyde called out to him before he could stop himself. "Yeah?" Ciaran called back. Hyde took a few steps forward on the path.

"I just wanted to tell you…" Hyde started, "that I'm, uh…"

"Yeah?"

Hyde let out a sigh. "This is a waste of time," he muttered to himself, shutting his eyes for the second time in as many minutes.

"Hyde?" He looked at Ciaran again. Hyde opened his eyes.

"I just think it's great what you're doing here."

Ciaran smirked. "Mate, believe me, I don't think I'm doing these kids a lot of good. I know they all have different circumstances, but at the end of the day, all they want is their ma and their da, and all I can give them is a wee cot to sleep on and a bunch of strangers they barely get along with for company. It's hardly a dream come true."

Hyde shrugged. "It worked out pretty well for me."

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THE PLANE

(KELSO and FEZ thumb wrestle in the front row, KITTY sleeps off a hangover behind them, DONNA and JACKIE sit in the second-last row, and RED and HYDE sit talking behind them)

RED: So, you just left it like that?

HYDE: Yeah. The others can believe that Disney ending if they want, but I thought you should know.

RED: (nodding) You know you can always go back and see him, Steven.

HYDE: Yeah. Maybe I'll take Forman next time. You know, if Donna doesn't kill him first.

RED: Oh, jeez. From one drama to another.

HYDE: (grinning) Yep. And I'm gonna take a backseat on this one.

RED: Good idea. It'll gives us plenty of time to talk about those choir girls you're so fond of.

HYDE: (blanking) Choir girls??

JACKIE: I am so getting stabbed tonight.

THE END.

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AN: Again, apologies for how short it was. Regardless of the length, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story in general. I've had a lot of fun writing it and I plan to be back with more T7S fanfic very soon.

Take care.

Please review!!! I'll beg like a choir girl!