Vernon: Sup everyone? We're normal!
Petunia: Yup. Normal normal normal.
J.K. Rowling: Well, who wants to read about that?! Bo-ring!
Dumbledore: McGonagall, Hagrid, let's leave orphaned baby Harry here with the Dursleys!
McGonagall: I dunno, my child abuse senses are tingling…
Hagrid: Nonsense! Dumbledore knows what he's doing! NEVER QUESTION ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (turns her into a cat)
McGonagall: (changes back) Nice try, but I can do that on my own.
Dumbledore: Whatever. Foreshadowing foreshadowing foreshadowing!!!!! (they all leave)
Baby Harry: (foreseeing decades of child abuse) Um… help?
(ten years later)
Vernon: Child abuse!
Harry: I wish someone had seen this coming!
Petunia: Happy birthday Dudleykins! Let's go to the zoo to look at creepy smelly reptiles!
(at the zoo)
Harry: Aw maaaaan, I'm bored. Sup, snake?
Vernon: Man, you are one creepy nephew. I'ma stuff you in the cupboard under the stairs!
Harry: (swearing) Aw, child abuse!
Letters: (start stalking Harry)
Vernon: Well, that's creepy. Come on family and weird nephew, let's go on a road trip!
Letters: (follow them)
Harry: I bet the letters are MAAAAAAGICAL!!
Petunia: Yeah, probab- I mean, there's no such thing as magic! And you're definitely not a wizard!
Hagrid: (breaks down the door) You are SUCH a liar.
Harry: (gasp) OMG it's my dream come true! A big hairy giant has come to rescue me from my abusive relatives!
Hagrid: You betcha! Now listen up: blah blah backstory blah blah blah Voldemort blah killed blah blah your parents blah blah magic school blah fun times blah.
Harry: Huzzah! (leaves with Hagrid)
Hagrid: Diagon Alley is awesome! You can get all your magic stuff here!
Harry: (gets all his magic stuff)
Ollivander: I might be evil, or maybe just a child molester. Either way, you should be creeped out by me.
Harry: (is creeped out)
Hagrid: (sniffle) Such an obedient little boy!
Harry: Don't get used to it, I'm just getting all the obedience out of my system.
Hagrid: (gets Sorcerer's- I mean, mysterious package from vault) Don't tell anyone about this, ya heard?
Harry: (not listening) OMG I got an owl! Yay me! (hugs Hedwig)
Harry: Mkay, now I just got to find the mysterious magical train to take me to the mysterious magical school!
Mrs. Weasley: (talking at the top of her lungs) OMG MAGIC IS SO AWESOME! LOOK AT ALL THE SILLY MUGGLES! I'M SO GLAD THAT WE'RE WIZARDS!!! Y'ALL READY TO GO TO MAGIC SCHOOL?!
Harry: (whips head) OMG, six redheads in the same family?!? They must be magical! (stalks them)
Mrs. Weasley: I've got to introduce the readers to my crapload of kids! OK Percy, go 'head! (Percy vanishes) Now you, Fred and George!
Fred and George: We're the comic relief! (vanish)
Harry: OI! How does that keep happening?!
Mrs. Weasley: Oh hello, little stalker boy! Just run into that wall to get to platform 9 and ¾!
Ron: Don't worry, it doesn't hurt! I run into walls all the time at home!
Ginny: No wonder you're so brain damaged then…
Harry: (runs at solid brick wall and somehow passes through it) OMG, guess I really am magic!
Ron: (on train) Hey, mind if I sit with you?
Harry: Please do! I'M SO LONELY!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: Wow, you're creepy. (sees scar) But since you're famous, I'm ok with that!
Harry: OMG WTF I'M FAMOUS?!?!?
Ron: Yeah… (Scabbers pokes his nose out of Ron's pocket) Oh, dis here my pet rat!
Harry: So… you have a lot of brothers.
Ron: (darkens) Yes… yes I do. So everyone expects me to be the Head Boy Quidditch Captain Perfect Grade-Getter Comic Relief Twins!!
Harry: Sucks. …Wait, they expect you to be twins?
Ron: Yeah. (youngest child ANGST)
Hermione: (pops in) Hi boys!
Ron: Go away, you girl! (Hermione leaves) Cooties… (shudders)
Harry: (ignores the fact that they're already destined to be together)
McGonagall: Mkay kids, you have to try on the sorting hat to see what House you're supposed to be in! (reads) Harry Potter- OMG HARRY!!! You survived the Dursleys!!!!!!
Harry: Yeah, thanks for nothing! (puts on hat)
Sorting Hat: I think you're a Slytherin. Green is SOOO your color, honey!
Harry: Really? I've always been partial to red though…
Sorting Hat: Fine. Gryffindor it is!!
Ron: Yay, that's with me and my crapload of brothers!! Now we can be BFFs!!
Dumbledore: Hi guys! I bet you're a-yearnin' for some learnin'! But first… blah blah foreshadowing blah!!!!!!!
Snape: (glares at Harry)
Readers: OMG he must be evil!!!! (all hate Snape)
Malfoy: I am destined to be your ENEMY!!!!
Harry: Mkay! I hate you Malfoy, you're scum!
Harry/Malfoy shippers: OMG THEY'RE SO CANON!!!
Neville: I am sweet and loveable. I have a remembrall!
Malfoy: (steals Neville's remembrall)
Harry: Oh no he DI'INT!!!!!! (hops on broom to get it back)
McGonagall: (running up) OMG HARRY!!!!!!!!
Harry: (hangs head)
McGonagall: You're like the Quidditch guru! I'ma put you on the Quidditch team!!
Harry: Mkay! …wait, what's Quidditch?
Malfoy: Let's have a duel in the middle of the night!
Harry: Mkay! (drags Ron, Hermione, and Neville with him)
Malfoy: (has tricked them all)
Filch: Where's that Potter boy?!?
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away screaming)
Ron: Quick, in here! (opens door to Fluffy's room)
Fluffy: Don't you kids ever knock?
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (run away screaming and somehow don't get caught by Filch)
Fluffy: (calling after them) FORESHADOWING!!!!!!
Quirrell: Happy Halloween, kids. We're all going to die!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: Oh noes! Hermione's not here! I bet she's in the bathroom cornered by the troll! Let's go! (sprints down the hallway toward the girls' bathroom)
Harry: What happened to the cooties? (follows)
Troll: Grrr. Rawr.
Hermione: OMG SAVE ME RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: Mkay! (levitates club and knocks out troll) Yay me, I did something right!!!! (dances in celebration)
Hermione: Thanks for saving my life guys! Can I be your BFF now?
Harry: (begrudgingly) I guess so…
Neville: (in background) When do I get to be your BFF, huh?!?
Harry: How about half past NEVER? (mutters) loser…
Oliver: OK guys, it's Quidditch time!
Harry: Will someone please explain to me what Quidditch is?!?
Angelina: No time! (the game starts)
Nimbus 2000: (is going crazy)
Harry: (tries to not die) OMG, shiny thing! (follows)
Snitch: (gets almost swallowed by Harry)
Harry: Yay me, I won the match! (gets lifted on crowd's shoulders)
Hermione: OMG Harry! I saw Snape staring at you during the match! He must have made your broom go cuckoo bananas! (beams, proud of her smart deduction)
Hagrid: Yay Harry! Nicholas Flamel would be so proud of you for winning the match!
Harry: Hooray! …wait, who's Nicholas Flamel?
Hagrid: ………… no one…… (runs away)
Ron: Happy Christmas Harry! Bollocks!
Harry: Bloody hell, Happy Christmas yourself, you barmy codger!
American readers: Haha, they're so British!
Note: Dear Harry, Here's your dad's old invisibility cloak 'n' stuff. Use it well, foreshadowing foreshadowing! Love, Dumbledore- I mean a secret admirer.
Ron: Cool beans, a cloak that turns you invisible! You can sneak into the girls' locker room! ;)
Harry: Or the LIBRARY!!!!
Ron: And you wonder why everyone thinks you're gay…
Harry: (wanders through the library after midnight) Hey, a book. (opens)
Book: (happy music plays) Once upon a time there were three pretty pink ponies who lived in Rainbowvillle. And they pranced and pranced and pran-
Harry: OMG IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away)
Mirror of Erised: (is shiny)
Harry: Preeeeetty… (is entranced)
Harry's Family: (waves)
Ron: (walks in) Bloody hell, it's me snogging Hermione! … I mean, me with the Quidditch Cup.
Harry: (holding mirror possessively) It's mine! My precious! Leave us alone!!! (Ron leaves)
Dumbledore: Get over yourself, Harry. I'm cutting you off and taking the mirror away tomorrow.
Harry: (scoff) Oh FINE. …Hey Professor, what do you see in the mirror?
Dumbledore: Well, certainly not GRINDELWALD!!!
Hermione: Sup guys? Did you find out who Nicholas Flamel is? 'Cause I did!!!!
Ron: Good for you. So who is he then?
Hermione: (dramatically) He made the SORCERER'S STONE!!!!
Harry: So that's why this book is called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone!
Ron: But… but I thought it was called Ron Weasley and His Supercool Awesome Adventures!
Hermione: Who'd read that? (Ron cries)
Neville: (pops up) Isn't it the Philosopher's Stone, though?
Harry: No, Da Phoenix is American. Now go away! (Neville leaves sadly) And what does the Sorcerer's Stone have to do with Quidditch?!? Whatever.
(Quirrell and Snape go off to the woods)
Harry: I'd better follow them… eavesdrop eavesdrop.
Snape: Threaten threaten, poke poke poke.
Quirrell: Whimper whimper whimper!
Harry: Gasp! Snape is UP TO NO GOOD! I'd better be nice to Quirrell. (is pleased with his logic)
Hagrid: You kids want to see my dragon?
Hermione: OMG, child molester!
Norbert: (is an actual dragon)
Malfoy: OMG, a dragon! (runs off to tattle)
Harry: Don't worry, we'll give Norbert to one of Ron's many brothers!
Charlie: (takes Norbert)
Harry and Hermione: Ha ha, pwnd, Malfoy! (high-five)
Filch: Bus-ted! (gives them detention, sees Neville) Longbottom! Detention!
Neville: But I was just walking around in the baaackground! (pouts)
Hagrid: Way to go getting caught, guys. Oh well. Let's look for a dead unicorn!
Harry: Annnd this was the moment when my childhood died.
Hooded figure: (is menacing)
Firenze: Oh no you di'int! (saves Harry by scaring it away with his ugly mug)
Harry: Wait, isn't this supposed to be a parody of the books?
Da Phoenix: Oh right. (changes "ugly mug" to "spectacular bod")
Firenze: But how does my spectacular bod scare away the hooded figure?
Da Phoenix: Intimidation?... Don't question me, just keep going!
Firenze: Fine. Harry, blah blah blah Mars is bright tonight.
Ron: Soooo the scary hooded figure was Voldemort?
Harry: Yeah, and he wants to kill me. (eleven-year-old ANGST)
Hermione: Well, he won't do anything with Dumbledore around!
Dumbledore: I'm going to Vegas this weekend, everyone! Cya! (leaves)
Harry: OH NOES!! Snape's going to get the Sorcerer's Stone now!!!!
Ron: To the trapdoor! (all march off heroically)
Neville: (gets in the way) Let me come too you guys!
Trio: No WAY!!! (knock him unconscious)
Fluffy: Oh maaaan, it's you guys again. Didn't I tell you kids to knock?
Harry: (presses PLAY on a boombox)
Boombox: This is why I'm HOT! This is why I'm HOT! This is why, this is why, this is why I'm HOT!
Fluffy: (passes out)
(they all jump through the trapdoor)
Hermione: OMG you guys, a deadly plant!!!! (burns)
Devil's Snare: Foreshadowiiiiiiing… (shrivels)
Ron: Thanks, girl-type person! (sees flying keys) OMG, flying keys!
(he and Hermione look pointedly at Harry)
Harry: What do you want me to do about it?
Hermione: Well, you DO play Quidditch…
Harry: What's Quidditch? (sees the right key) OMG, shiny! (catches)
Hermione: Yay! …OMG, a giant chess board!!
Ron: Good thing I'm a genius chess player!
Hermione: ………………………….you ARE?!?!?!?
Ron: Don't doubt my smartness!
(OMG they're so close to winning)
Ron: Well, crap. I'm going to sacrifice myself so you can win the stupid chess game.
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOO well ok. Do what you gotta do.
White Queen: Foreshadowing?
J.K. Rowling: Not this time!
(now they win)
Hermione: OMG, poison bottles!
Harry: This is a smart person thing, isn't it? I'm so lucky I chose you and not Neville to be my second BFF!
Hermione: Yes. Yes you are. (gets Harry through the fire)
Harry: (sees figure in front of the Mirror of Erised) GTFO, Snape!
Quirrell: (is not Snape)
Harry: OMG WTF QUIRRELL?!?!?
Quirrell: Mwahahaha, it's me! I'm evil! I have Voldemort on the back of my head!
Voldemort: (is under Quirrell's sketchy turban)
Harry: Well, that explains the smell and the poor fashion sense…
Voldemort: Give me the Sorcerer's Stone!!
Harry: (whines) But I don't haaaave it…
Mirror of Erised: (somehow gives Harry the Stone)
Harry: Oh, now I do! I'll never give in to you, Voldemort! You killed my father!
Voldemort: No, Harry. I am your father!
Harry: NOOOOOOOO wait. That's been done already.
Voldemort: You're right. I was just foolin'. Now gimme the Stone!
Voldemort: Gimme the Stone!
Voldemort: Gimme the Stone!
Voldemort: Gimme the Stone!
Harry: Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! (grabs Quirrell's face)
Quirrell: No, not my face!!! (gets burned)
Harry: Haha, burnnnnnn!! (randomly passes out)
Dumbledore: (in the hospital) Harry, WTF? I'm missing my nickel slots because of you!
Harry: Dumbledore!! (hugs)
Dumbledore: (pushes away) Yeah, I'm gay, not a pedophile. So what's up?
Harry: Well, it all started…
Dumbledore: Yeah, I'm bored already. Listen up, the Stone's been destroyed and you killed Quirrell. Way to go!
Harry: OMG Snape's evil! How could he not have Voldemort on the back of his head?!
Dumbledore: First of all, no he's not. He's a cool guy once you get past the bad hygiene and hatred of all people. He saved yo' LYFE, fool! …Plus he looks bad in a turban.
Harry: Whatever. But what about NICHOLAS FLAMEL?!?!?
Dumbledore: Yeah, he dead. But death isn't so bad, foreshadowing foreshadowing.
Harry: Cool cool. So tell me something honestly… why'd Voldemort want to kill me? And what's up with this scar hurting whenever he's around…
Dumbledore: Oh, look at the time! (bolt)
Harry: Aw maaan. Gryffindor didn't win the house cup again.
Gryffindors: (are sad)
Slytherins: (party boy Snape)
Dumbledore: Not so fast! Hermione, you get 50 points for being able to read. Ron, you get 50 points for being stupid enough to put up with Harry's whining day in and day out. And Harry, you get 60 points for being the story's protagonist- I mean, blah blah love blah friendship and courage blah blah blah.
Neville: (whining) But what about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?
Dumbledore: (sigh) Oh FINE. It takes true friendship to let your friends knock you out and leave you paralyzed in the middle of a room for hours on end. 10 points to Neville!
Gryffindor: (YAYAY WINS!!!!!!!)
Harry: Well, back to my abusive relatives for the next three months. (almost twelve-year-old angst)
Ron: But now you can threaten them with magic!
Harry: … (grins evilly)