Title: Call Me When You're Sober 1/1
Warnings: Mild Language, reference to alcohol, self-inflicted and mental abuse.
Pairing: Randy Orton/OC [mentions of a Cena/OC pairing
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except for my OCs, Ashley and Aubrey. (Double Trouble is back again, yep!) The song "Call Me When You're Sober" is brought to you by Evanescence.
Summary: Randy Orton has a choice to make-- will it be the love of his life or the love of the bottle in his hand? No one can make the decision but him and he knows that-- he thought it would be harder than this, but she made him see exactly what he stood to lose...
I walked into my hotel room, throwing my keys down on the dresser. Sighing heavily to myself, I walked over and threw my jacket on the back of a random, nearby chair. Heading straight into the bathroom, I studied my reflection in the mirror as I leaned against the sink. I just couldn't believe I was standing here, right now, wishing death upon the one man that supposedly loved me... the man I supposedly loved right back. But, as sorry as it sounds-- it's the sad truth and there is no denying that. No matter how hard I tried to get him the hell out of my head, my heart wouldn't let me do it. But, no matter what-- this is entirely his fault... not mine, not this time.
I ended up taking a hot bubble bath, trying to relax for the next three hours. I'll be honest-- I wanted so badly to just forget about him and his stupid, dumbass mistakes but I couldn't... I have feelings for him that have absolutely no explanation and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. God, I just want all the pain to go away... I have to make the pain go away; I can't take this anymore...
I stumbled out of the bathroom eventually, but only after making sure all the bleeding had stopped completely. I kept putting pressure on my stinging wounds just so it would kill the pain in my heart a little more... Tears stained my cheeks now and that alone would be enough of a dead give-a-way to anyone who might see me right now. I know I promised him I would never do it again but I just couldn't help it-- it's the only remedy I knew to use-- he had to understand that...
My head had been on my pillow all of five seconds before I heard my cell phone start to ring. Sighing again, I rolled my eyes to myself as I thought about whether or not I should actually answer the damn thing... I couldn't tell you where the option not to answer it went because I couldn't tell you…
"Hello?" I whispered. Instantly I cursed myself for doing so when I heard his voice on the other end of the line. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was him though-- I could sense it and I did it anyway.
"Will you please talk to me…? 5 minutes." I sighed again for the Nth time. I had hoped I could deal with all this drama tomorrow and just go to sleep... But I knew him, I knew he wouldn't leave me alone until I caved and gave him what he wanted so I might as well get it over with now.
"Ready. Set. Go." I growled back to him into the receiver of my cell. I was silently hoping this wouldn't take the whole five minutes he had asked for.
"Ashley, I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to blow you off earlier, it's just-- I was partying with all the boys and I was being pulled in a million different directions all at once; I couldn't think straight-- Besides, you told me you were going out with Torrie, Candice and Maria so I didn't even know you would be at the same bar, and…" I instantly cut him off before he could dig himself any further into the hole this conversation was sure to bury him in.
"So, what you're saying is-- you just did it because you thought I wasn't going to be there, and you thought you could actually get away with it? Is that it? Randy, you know damn well what you were doing… that is, unless you were drinking again... I saw you dancing with that bitch, I saw with my own two eyes so there's nothing you can say that's going to change that. You were all over each other and I saw it all… even the kiss." I could hear the pain and the cracking sounds in my voice so I knew it was obvious to him as well.
"Baby, I'm sorry, you have to believe me on that! Yes... yes I was drinking tonight and I know I shouldn't have. I know I promised you I would stop drinking and smoking and I swear to you that I have stopped the smoking... I only wanted one beer... But, before I knew it I was fucking drowning in them. I'm sorry Ash... I don't even know who that chick was and I don't want to! I love you, I love you with all my heart-- you know that." I thought I heard a slight hiccup on the end of his last breath and I rolled my eyes at him again. He was probably still smashed as it was-- he would cry to me tonight and forget all about it tomorrow... just like every other time...
"Randy, I'm sick and tired of dealing with your complete bullshit and your lies. If you were true to your word and loved me as much as you say you do you wouldn't be out drinking--knowing damn well you have a problem-- and kissing random whores behind my back! ...You would be here, with me, right now... But, I guess everyone was right when they tired to stop me from having anything to do with you-- I should have listened to them! Once a player, always a player; well Orton, you're not going to play me anymore!"
There was more silence on the other end of the phone. For a second I wasn't sure if he was even still on the line with me or not. I was just about to push the end button when I finally heard his voice again.
"…You know I love you, you know that Ashley! I know I've made a lot of dumbass mistakes in my life, some that I truly regret but I have never, ever regretted being with you and I never will. I know I have hurt you--more times than I care to remind myself but I do; I live with the hurt, the pain and the guilt of hurting you every single day of my life. You can tell yourself I'm an asshole, or that I'm not worth the time--honestly, I'm not when it comes to you, you have always deserved better than me... But not even that will ever change how I really feel about you..."
I thought on it a moment as I let his small confession replay a few times in my head, then sighed. I still haven't learned how to control my emotions with Randy, I just can't keep them in check-- and I doubt I will ever be able to. He was right about one thing--- he is a complete asshole... but even still, I do love him.
"Randy, if you really love me as much as you claim, then you have a choice to make---It's either me or the alcohol, it's either me or the cigarettes, it's either me or the drugs-- it's either single or serious Orton… you can't have both. You can't have your cake and eat it too no matter how much you want to... I'm not going to tell you what you have to do this time to make everything right. I'm tired of leading you around and holding your hand like a child; I just can't do it anymore, I can't... I love you so much sometimes it literally hurts but you can't keep doing this to me... You have to find it for yourself this time Randy…"
I hung up on him before he could say anything else. I couldn't handle his excuses and lies any more. As soon as I took my finger off the end button I hit the 2nd speed dial key. I listened closely to the rings as I waited for them to answer... one of them would. It was early, I know, but I also knew for a fact they would be up... They always were at early hours of the morning for some reason.
"Hiya." I heard her answer and I instantly knew what she was doing; she was never that chummy this early in the morning unless John had something to do with it...
"Throw Cena's ass off you and get your ass down to my room, mkay? I feel the need to smash someone's face in and you need to talk me down..." I sighed, holding my forehead in my free hand. I was starting to get a splitting headache-- probably from the situation and my blood loss.
"Oh hell, what did The Thunder-Thighed Boy-Wonder do this time?" She asked out loud as I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous nickname.
"I'll fill you in when you get… here..." I could feel the tears start to roll down my face and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop them. She obviously heard the break and cracking sounds in my voice because she snapped right back at me almost instantly.
"I'll be right there, I'm on the way..."
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
20 Minutes Later
I walked up to her hotel room door as I pulled my semi-warm, Chaingang sweatshirt over my head. I had barely enough time to get halfway dressed before John threw me out of the room; in record time I might add. I knew I shouldn't have told him she had obviously been crying... again.
He treats her like a little sister-- except he's the one that follows her around like the over-protective big brother he wanted to be. He had even insisted to come along this time too but as soon as I rejected his plan of action he pushed me out of our room faster than I could say, 'I'm out!' ...You know John Cena has got your back so to speak, when he threatens to break his own best friend's face if the need was there…
I knocked on the door a couple times, waiting just a second before she opened it up in front of me. She stood there, black make-up running down her high cheek bones-- some dried tears, some fresh. I instantly pulled her into a giant bear hug, running my hand down her back to try and calm her down just a little bit.
"It's okay Ashface, we all know he's a jackass that doesn't deserve you..." I pulled back from her to look her in the eye again.
"Orton honest-to-God doesn't realize how good he has it with you, you know that right?" She just silently nodded towards as I walked her back further into the room, closing the door behind me.
We ended up sitting on the couch for I don't know how long in out sweatpants and sloppy night clothes just talking about our relationships... Well, of course I didn't say all that much about mine because I didn't want to make her feel bad. My relationship with John was absolutely perfect. It couldn't get any better and I wish that stupid jackass Orton would realize exactly what he's doing to her. I couldn't count on two hands how many times I've had to sit with her like this, or break up a fight between the two of them, or just straight up slap the taste out of Randy's mouth because Ash doesn't have enough in her to do it herself; she's too much of a nice person.. I'm not, I'm a horrible, evil, manipulative, sadistic monster of a person who thrives on slapping the shit out of dumbass fatheads who don't know their head from a hole in the ground... But, that is just what kind of person she happens to be and I can't blame her for that. I wouldn't change my best friend in the world for anything-- she's amazing just the way she is, I just wish Randy could see what I do...
I watched her talk about the conversation she had earlier on the phone with him and I noticed her start to yawn; she had to have done it at least three or four times in a row. I sighed heavily then, out of nowhere causing her to stop mid-sentence.
"I'm sorry Ash-- it's just, look at you; it's almost 3AM, you need to get some damn sleep. We all do-- we have all had a day from hell. Go on, go to bed dude, I'll let myself out, mkay?" I made sure she was actually in the bed before I flipped the lights out for her by the bedroom door.
"Night skank," I whispered before walking to the door. Yeah... I noticed what she had done to herself but I wasn't about to let her, or anyone else know about it right now. She obviously had her own personal demons to deal with right now and that's why I was pleading the 5th with myself... I would wait till later to kill her for almost killing herself...
I was just about to close her door behind me when I felt someone come up next to me. Glancing over, I instantly saw Randy jogging up the hallway, directly towards me. My foot immediately starting tapping the floor as I crossed my arms over my chest. Damnit... where's the rolling pins and the frying pans when you damn well needed one...
"You have less than ten milli-seconds to give me one damn good reason why you're here. Don't you think you've caused enough damage for one night??" I spat with a look of complete disgust on my face as I watched him. He reactively threw up his hands in what could only be defense.
"Bree, don't okay? You can give me hell some other time, okay? I just want to talk to her... I have to make this right… and I can't wait until tomorrow; I have to do this right now. Please... please, don't fight me on this." I pressed my index finger into his hard chest taking a step towards him. I was trying my best not to raise my voice at this hour, knowing Ashley was just inside the hotel room and that she was probably asleep even before her head hit the pillow.
"Randall fucking Orton-- I swear to God and everything that is right in the this world, if you go in this room and break her heart again I will personally hunt you down, myself... I just sat with her for the last two and a half hours listening to her cry all over your dumbass selfishness. I'll have Cena and every other WWE Superstar up here in a matter of seconds if I have to come back up here because you can't figure out the difference between the best damn thing to ever walk into your life and a fucking hole in the damn ground... Now-- do I make myself perfectly clear?"
He just simply and silently nodded back at me, looking down at the ground. My breath caught in my throat as I had to take a double look at him from where I was standing… "Are you... crying?" I whispered, suddenly wondering if I was just a little too harsh on him-- I mean, he was obviously trying to make an effort this time. He sniffled a little before he picked up the edge of his t-shirt to wipe his face off quickly.
He looked right past me at the door next to me and reached out for the handle without saying another word to me. I reached out and grabbed his elbow, forcing him to look at me again. "Randy, I know you love her… and I'm sorry if I came off as a total bitch just now-- you know how I am, but she's my best friend and I can't stand to see her hurting this bad, this much, this often ya know? She doesn't deserve all this shit and you know it. You've got to get your personal shit together, she really needs you… I'll see you tomorrow..."
I looked at him a moment longer before I took off back down the hallway towards the elevator. Now I kind of felt bad for the way I had yelled at him but at the same time, he seriously needed an eye-opener. He was going about this relationship with Ashley in all the wrong ways and everyone knew it-- especially John and I; and it's not like I could rely on John to talk some sense into him because that would just end up with him to punch his face in through his teeth. I can't have my boyfriend killing him or with 25-to-life on his record so that pretty much just left me to do all the dirty work.
Oh well... Hopefully this time it would actually do some good... or, at least I really, really hoped that it would. For not only their sake, but for everyone in the flippin' WWE-- they were driving everyone completely insane; and I for one, am supposed to be the only insane one is this business...
I walked into the elevator only to stop dead in my tracks when I finally looked up, about to push the button for the next floor. John stood in front of me, leaning against the railing, just staring at me with a small, some-what sleepily smile on his face; did I happen to mention he was wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts and a wife beater??
"What are you doing down here?" I questioned, the doors shutting behind me silently as I walked over to wrap my arms around his muscled waistline, burying my face in his chest.
"How is she?" He asked before kissing the top of my head lightly. I pressed my face into him a little more. It was almost as if I could feel his heart beat within.
"She was sleeping when I left… but Randy's there with her now." I instantly felt him tense up as he pulled back away from me to look down into my eyes, sighing heavily. I knew what he was trying to say without even really saying it.
"If he hurts her again this time, I really will kill him, I swear to God." I kissed his lips lightly, holding his hands down by our sides as I laced my fingers through his. That was definitely the abridged version of what I had in mind but the point was still the same.
"Baby, he's your best friend-- a fucking dumbass prick, but he's your best friend none the less... I know you care about Ash-- we all do and I hope for everyone's sake that they work all this shit out tonight but I can't have you receiving a jail sentence, mkay? Calm down about it for now, it's out of our hands for the time being. Let's just leave them to work out their problems tonight, if they can, while we go back and get some much-needed sleep. We'll work damage control in the morning..."
Should I let you fall
Lose it all
So maybe you can remember yourself
Can't keep believing
We're only deceiving ourselves
And I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
Randy's POV I walked into the dark hotel room, closing the door behind me as quietly as humanly possible and thanking God Bree actually let me in here to see her. I would have never guessed she would have been as easy as she was on me, but I'm seriously not complaining. She could have beat me senseless; even though I deserved it, she didn't and that meant something to be as stupid as it sounded.
I really wished I didn't have to wake her up-- part of me actually wanted to wait until morning to do this but I knew it had to be now. I know she hasn't slept good in a couple of weeks now and I honestly felt like shit about that because it really was my fault-- but hopefully after tonight she would never lose sleep over me again.
It was definitely now or never, I would end up losing her forever if I didn't make the move now. She told me point blank that I had to be the one to make this happen this time and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I love her too damn much to just let her walk right out of my life now after only nine months together; the best nine months of my life...
I slowly edged closer towards the bed, swallowing hard, trying to find all the guts I had left in the pit of my stomach. I could just barely make out the lump-shaped form of her body laying in the huge bed through the darkness around me. Another huge bed she had to crawl into alone...
As my eyes soon adjusted to my surroundings I stood there a moment and watched her stomach rise and fall, her breathing completely even and calm. I loved more than anything in the world to just simply watch her while she slept; when she was in her most peaceful state, she was absolutely gorgeous to me.
I finally moved over to the side of the bed she was closest to and gently sat down on the edge, my weight pushing the mattress down enough for her to move sightly. I saw there holding my breath on and off, actually afraid to wake her up. She just looked to damn innocent-- but if I wanted to keep her in my life, I knew I had to do this; it was ultimately more important.
I lightly brushed a strand of fallen hair out of her eyes as I pushed it behind her ear. She sighed easily in her sleep, gently moving her leg from underneath the covers to absent-mindedly rub up against my lower back. Almost upon contact her eyes fluttered open as she looked up at me. I could already see the obvious shock on her face.
"…Randy??" She whispered, sleep evident in her voice. I sent a very weak smile down to her as I brushed the backside of my hand across her cheek. I could tell she had been crying-- it was always obvious for her; her eyes and nose would get red and puffy faster than her body could make the tears most times.
"I'm so sorry baby… I could never apologize enough for what I've done to you these past few weeks. I know I screw up time and time again but I honestly don't mean to... I--I just, I don't know what my problem is, but I do wish I could better myself and change it; not for myself but for you. You deserve better than I could ever possibly give you--but, at the end of the day, I know I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life…so if I have spend the rest of my days trying to live up to the standard you deserve, I'll do it--and then some."
I paused for a minute, my hand still laying against her face as I moved my free hand to hold one of hers. I could feel her tremble under my touch, she was shaking slightly which tore my heart in two--I can't believe I've done this to her again... I'm so fucking stupid sometimes...
"Sometimes..." I started again, my voice even lower this time as I tucked a piece of fallen hair back behind her ear; she continued to watch me carefully, not saying a word. "I'll sit and stare off into space just thinking about what I would do if you had never walked into my life... I'd probably still be the same womanizing, prick that I showed myself to be tonight. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without you-- well, the person I know I should be and the person I know I can be-- the man you deserve... God, I'm so sorry Ashley..."
I bit the inside of my lip so hard I'm pretty sure I could taste the cooper blood on my tongue as I watched a single tear slide down her cheek; more started to puddle against the chocolate brown eyes that used to be full of life and sparkle... They might as well have been dead now because of me. I subconsciously held my breath as she finally started to speak back to me.
"I'm sorry too..." she half whispered, half choked. She quickly brought her small hand up to her face to wipe the salty water from her eyes before it actually had a chance to fall into tears. I was about to tell her she had absolutely nothing to be sorry for when my eyes fell down from her gaze a little as I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Yeah, it was dark in the room, but there was obviously something wrong with... her wrist.
I reached up to wrap my hand around hers as she was about to pull away from her face. She obviously realized I had seen what she had done to herself-- she didn't stop me from turning it over to see the other side... the bandage. My heart fell deep into the pit of my stomach as I instantly started to feel sick.
"...you're cutting again?" I asked on a shaky breath, almost afraid to hear it come out of my own mouth. I swallowed hard, feeling the lump in my throat slide down heavily. I just couldn't believe this... her... Not this, not again; I thought we were past this, I thought she had gotten over that stage of her life-- I thought she was stronger than that now.
I knew she had demons in her past when I met her, including her cutting-- but I just looked at it like a sickness, which it is... When I first met her I never would have guessed she would be the kind of person to do something like that. But then again, after being physically, mentally and even sexually abused by some stupid punks while she was in OVW-- needless to say, after I found out, they weren't there for long. After we started dating I helped her-- I helped her through all of her personal problems; but now, it--it was my fault...
I stared down at her in shock, my jaw should have been on the floor by now after my realization. I was so hurt but more importantly, absolutely angry with myself that it was all my fault; I was the one that drove her to start again-- I have her hurt her so much now that I drove her to hurting herself like this... What the hell is wrong with me?
She slowly started to nod her head towards me, in a way that resembled shame. "Yes... I'm sorry... I just came straight back to the hotel tonight after seeing you wrapped up in that other woman… I couldn't get the image of you kissing her out of my head... I didn't know what to do with myself, I--I just couldn't stop crying, I was over-hysterical… All I wanted was for you to come and hold me in your arms and tell me it was just a horrible dream-- but obviously you never came... I ended up in the bathroom for the next three hours..."
I didn't know what to say to her, I honestly didn't. What could I have said? This was my fault, that's all there is to it... I just couldn't believe this was happening to her again-- I couldn't believe she was back in that same dark place I had spent months helping her out of. I knew everything those pricks did to her and it absolutely made me sick to think about it. Now, I was the one causing the same kind of helpless feeling for her-- of being alone, scared and in pain; feelings and emotions I never ever should be the one causing-- especially if I loved her like I claimed to... God, how could I have made such a mistake…?
We shared a few minutes of silence between us. I just watched her, watch me. I don't think either one of us knew what to say to one another. But after a while I finally stood up from my spot on the edge of her bed and in one, quick motion I pulled the dark red button down, dress shirt from my body. Steading myself by the corner of the nightstand in front of me, I kicked off my shoes; now standing before her in just my black dress pants I had been wearing all day.
I looked back at her with heavy, pleading eyes through the darkness, silently begging her to let me get close to her. She instantly moved over to the middle of the mattress, obviously making room for my large, well-muscled form on her left side. I was just about to crawl in beside her when she stopped me, leaning over to press a small hand flat against my stomach; her touch causing an obvious spark between us. I locked my eyes on her again, praying she hadn't changed her mind.
"Pants," she whispered, sliding her hand down just a little to tug on my belt buckle. "Off," she finished, looking up at me as she leaned back to her new spot in the bed, laying back against the pillows to watch me again. My hands went to the buckle as I started to undo it, my eyes never left hers.
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly, "I don't want to make things awkward or uncomfortable between us..." I stated-- and it was the truth, I really didn't. It had been my intention to continue to wear my pants; I didn't want her to think now that I was finally here, all I wanted was to get her into the sack as soon as possible for our usual make-up sex. Albeit she nodded towards me, patting the empty space beside her.
"You can't sleep in those and you know it-- and you could never make things between us uncomfortable or awkward from a pair of dress slacks." We shared a small smile as she obviously tried to lighten the mood just a little. I pushed my pants to the floor as I finally fell back in beside her. I pulled the comforter up around us as I snuggled down into the bed and onto the pillow behind me. I sighed contently and in a little bit of relief as I felt her move as close to me as she could get. She threw a leg over mine and I wrapped my arms around her protectively. I buried my face in her soft, dark brunette hair--almost instantly, the smell of her sweet shampoo invaded my senses.
"I love you, baby… so much..." I muffled into her, my breath warming the soft skin of her neck; my lips instantly seeking out for her as I gently pressed them to her. I trailed a line of faint butterfly kisses down the valley of her neck, onto her bare shoulder. I felt her lace her fingers with mine and I pulled her tiny hand straight to my lips, kissing it as well. I looked away from the task at hand, deep into her dark, bloodshot eyes. I knew I would willingly spend the rest of my life making all of my mistakes up to her if I had to; I was definitely prepared to pay for it every day I spend by her side.
"I love you too," she whispered back to me, lightly pressing her forehead up against my jawbone. I wanted more than anything to take all the pain and suffering I had caused away, it obviously wouldn't be that easy to mend. I've fucked up one too many times with her during our relationship to be that privileged and I'm just fine with that.
She slightly moved again, sitting up enough to be able to look directly into my eyes from up above me. I watched her silently as she just stared at me for a minute. She soon placed her soft hands on either side of my face, just holding me between her palms.
"What?" I questioned after I had waited long enough for fear to start to come over me. I obviously couldn't help but wonder what she was doing exactly, it was odd... Suddenly she caught me off guard as she leaned her face into mine, laying a heated and passionate kiss, dead on my lips; when she finally pulled back again to breath she just continued to stare at me without saying a word... When she finally did speak it was nothing but a tiny whisper; if you could even call it that much.
"I wanted to know what I would see when I looked into your eyes, like I did the first night we met... I wanted to know if I would feel the same emotions and sparks I felt almost 10 months ago. I needed to know if this--here, with you-- is truly where I'm supposed to be... I guess I was trying to see if I still felt like you were my destiny like it did the first time you touched me..." Honest to God, she knew how to scare the hell outta me. Was she trying to say she wanted to take a break in our relationship? Or never see me again altogether? I'm so confused… "... and what did you see?" I asked, the question popping out of my mouth and falling from my lips faster than I could even process the thought. I expected that would have been an normal mans' next question albeit.
She sighed-- although I couldn't tell if it was in content or disappointment of what she did, or didn't see. She moved her right hand in front of me, slowly tracing her index finger over my slightly perused lips; my mind and heart were racing-- it felt like all my insides were moving at the speed of light... But everything slowed to a complete stop when I noticed the small smile pressing against her lips as she spoke up again...
"When I looked at you, I saw everything I have experienced over these last months of my life-- of being with you... I felt the same spark, I have the same emotions and I still feel the same way about you now that I did then... Randy, I love you and I know you love me too, and I can honestly say I do want to spend the rest of my life with only you… But, I--I can't keep going down this same road with you all the time; I need an honest, truthful commitment from you-- if you're not ready for that yet, or you can't take this relationship as seriously as I need you to then... I can't and I don't want to waste my time on a dream that will never become a reality…"
I instantly sat up, pushing my body up against the headboard of the bed so I could lean back. I gently pulled her much smaller hands into mine, I could faintly feel them shaking in my touch. I stared back at her hoping I could myself think of every last detail that I needed to say at this exact moment to make her realize how wrong her preconceived thoughts on me were. I'm so ready to get serious with our relationship-- and honestly, it makes me feel like complete shit for even having to process that thought but as much as I don't want to admit it, it's the truth. I haven't been as great of a boyfriend as I could have been during our time together, I would never lie about that-- I seriously wanted things between us to change though, for the better... This was my absolute moment of truth with her and I knew I couldn't live with the outcome if I royally fucked this up right now.. But, as long as I can keep my damn nerves in check-- I should be able to get through this, it should just come to me naturally...
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
"Ashley… baby… God, I swear to you-- I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you lately. I've managed to turn back into the person you helped me to change. I don't know how it happened, it just did and I'm sorry. I could apologize to you for the rest of my life, every single day and it still woudln't be enough to make up for the pain I've caused you... I know you're not suppose to cause the one you love pain and grief--and I swear to God that it all stops here, now--tonight. I swear to you that I will love you in every way that I should, for as long as I live-- no matter what happens between us. I know I royally fucked things up tonight, I never should have drank even one beer and I realize that now... I made the biggest mistake of my life by kissing that random girl, not to mention, ending up shit-faced drunk... I have a pounding headache as it is---but that's nothing compared to what I could have lost..."
I took a deep breath, rolling a hand over my face to try and relax my tensed up muscles. I couldn't thank her or God, for that matter, enough for giving me a chance to speak--to explain myself and to beg for forgiveness. I wouldn't have blamed her if she never wanted to see me again.
"I couldn't live with myself without you, if I had really lost you tonight because of my dumbass mistakes... I can't thank you enough for giving me another chance-- a chance I don't deserve, to say the least. But-- It's hard for me, it's hard for me to talk to you like this--- I can't really explain the way I feel with words because it's such a great, indescribable feeling. More often that not-- you leave me damn speechless..."
I paused again as a small smile smeared over both our expressions. I gently bushed my hand against her cheek, holding her for a few minutes in silence before I started to continue my hopeful apology.
"I remember back when I was engaged to Samantha, I honestly thought she was the one I was meant to be with... for the first month or two-- But, as time went on I realized, I had started to hate everything about her. It got to the point where I was in a bad mood all the time, especially when I was around her; that's where most of my problems with the office started. I wasn't living my life the way I wanted because of her and it affected the way I went about everything else. When I finally ended things with her I didn't think I would ever find someone that made me feel the way I should have felt about Sam; especially to be engaged to her. I didn't think I would ever find someone that makes me feel the way you do. Ashley, I want to be with you--and you just don't know how bad or how much… I want to be with you forever..."
45 Minutes Later
I laid there, her smaller frame wrapped up in my arms as I gently played with a piece of her hair as my arm laid behind her head. My eyes were closed, burning this moment in my mind. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt content, I actually felt whole.
I could obviously feel her laying next to me physically, but I couldn't help but to wonder if she really felt me; I wasn't talking about a physical feeling, either. I am so unbelievably ashamed for what I've done to her… especially now that I know she's cutting again because of me... I can't live with that-- things have to change, now.
I can't act like this isn't my fault, not this time. It's 100 my fault and there is absolutely nothing I can do or say that's going to change that. Honestly, I'm so fucking tired of being a fucking screw up... It's not fair, it's not fair to her, I should have never acted the way I have.
I heard her breathing even out as she finally fell asleep, it didn't take her long. It never did when I was laying next to her. Which for a moment made me feel better about the situation I was in. I rolled my face over a little as my nose fell against her hair. I wanted to stay here like this forever but I knew sooner or later I would face the true reality I was in. Up to this point I was slowly losing the best thing that ever happen to me and if I don't start to change now and stay the man I should be-- she's going to walk away from me and out of my life; I will lose her forever...
2 & a half hours later..
My eyes quickly slide open as I woke up to feel her lips pressed against mine. It was still quite dark in the room, obviously way before dawn; her body outline has always been unmistakable to me. My hands instinctively found their way to the sides of her face holding her lips against mine even longer as I licked against her bottom lip-- wordless begging for entrance to her warm mouth. She immediately granted me access and the kiss became even deeper.
Finally, we pulled away, our foreheads lightly touching as I tried to catch the breath she had quickly stolen from me. I reopened my eyes to watch her stare down at me as I laid against the mound of pillows, my back flat against the mattress.
A chill washed over me as she rose up over me, straddling my waistline, her knees pressed into the bed on either side of my chest. My eyes never left hers as I noticed has gorgeous she looked, especially with her dark, straight hair that had managed to fall in her face a little as she looked down towards me. I smiled a little, knowing what she was asking for-- but she also knew how much I loved to hear her say it; even though, a small part of me knew this was her way of accepting my apology and our first step towards a better relationship.
"I'm sorry I woke you up-- it's just, I needed to feel you..." she whispered, her hot breathe against my cheek and earlobe as she leaned down against me, her chest pressed full up against mine. She pulled back to look into my eyes again, biting down on her bottom lip a little; a look she knew I melted for every, single time...
"It's okay baby, you can wake me up like that anytime you want to," I paused-- a chuckle escaping my lips before I returned to a more serious tone. "I love you." I whispered, hoping she knew I really meant it, especially now more than ever before; she was my whole world, she meant everything to me. I can't lose her over something so stupid and trivial...
"Do you want to be with me?" She asked, as she lightly pressed her cheek against my bare chest, slightly looking up at me even still. I could tell she was starting to tear up again, as fresh tears puddled in her eyes. I pulled the blankets up over her body as I wrapped them around her shoulders.
"Forever… I couldn't live without you." I answered, as I gently brushed her hair away from her face before taking the pad of my thumb to wipe the water from under her eyes.
"Then let's make us work, ok?"
So don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things I've made up your mind
So don't cry to me