A/N: A thousand, million, billion points to anyone who can tell me where the title for this story comes from. (WITHOUT the use of Google. That's cheating!) This story is, I would say, 99 fluff. And 99 not ever happening. As per usual, I don't own anyone or anything. Also, a bit OOC, as I'm sure that though she is supposed to be socially inept, Brennan has been inside a Victoria's Secret and worn really nice lingerie, because I am the evil controller of this story, I have opted to have her not really be in on all that stuff. I figure that she goes to Nordy's, gets her nice, basic underwear, and gets the hell out.

Wig Wam Bam

Temperance Brennan was sick and fucking tired of waiting for Seeley Booth to get his shit together.

Far from the ignorance she professed to Angela, Temperance could feel the sexual tension between herself and Booth. Brennan didn't have multiple doctorates from some of the most prestigious universities in her field by chance. She saw the way Booth looked at her butt and breasts when he thought that she wasn't looking. Classic signs of sexual interest.

She didn't understand why he was so embarrassed about it. It was perfectly natural. She was an attractive female and she and Booth were often in adrenaline-high situations. Adrenaline naturally prompted humans to procreate in order to propagate their genes. Simple biology, really.

Besides, she admired Booth too. With his broad shoulders, tall, muscular physique, smooth, seductive voice, and semi-practiced charm, Booth wasn't a burden to look at. But, when it came to work, Temperance was one hundred percent professional. If Booth's butt happened to be in her line of vision, she might not look away. But she never actively tried to get him in her vision.

But that was beside the point. The point was that she had decided that the sexual tension was getting to be a distraction and that it was time to quit pussyfooting around.

Temperance Brennan was going to seduce Seeley Booth.

She wanted to tell someone. Anyone. She wanted to brag about her genius plan and all the research she'd done. Temperance almost wanted to crow to Angela that she'd forgone an entire Saturday of work to shop for frivolous, overpriced crap that probably would come out of her closet once, maybe twice. That she'd braved the local mall to look for an outfit and some lingerie. She, Temperance Brennan, had stepped into the pounding technopop swirl of lace and silk commonly known as Victoria's Secret.

She hadn't lasted long. According to Angela, Victoria's Secret was a woman's best friend when it came to seductive lingerie. Perhaps it was a woman's best friend if she were looking for underwear that had been designed by Dr. Seuss on an acid trip. It was covered in stripes and ruffles and cupcakes. On one pair of underwear. Even the more basic underwear was covered in flowers and bows and ornaments.

Totally lost, she'd asked the saleslady for help. In an unfortunate turn of events, the woman turned out to be an enthusiastic Kathy Reichs fan. She'd shown Temperance every bra in the store, frequently punctuating her sales pitches with questions about the upcoming novel in the Kathy Reichs series.

Temperance had finally gotten to the fitting room when the sales girl coaxed her into trying push-up bras – she couldn't find a non-push-up that seemed seductive enough for what she was looking for – which settled Temperance's breasts, three, maybe three and a half inches below her neck.

With a sigh of defeat, Temperance walked into the formal dress store across the way from Victoria's Secret.

"Hi, welcome to Special Occasions." A fortysomething saleswoman said with a somewhat forced air of cheerfulness. "Is there anything I can help you find?"

"No, thanks. Not right now."

After thirty minutes of looking through tulle and taffeta, Brennan could no longer avoid the necessary evil of calling for backup. She contemplated her phone as though it might offer her some heretofore un-thought-of epiphany. But the sad truth of things was that she had four contacts in her phone. Zack and Hodgins were out. They'd be no help to her. Booth was most assuredly out, which left her with one phone number.

"Angela Montenegro."

"Angela, I need your help."

"Oh, God, Bren, are you okay? What's going on? I'll –"

"Ange, relax. I'm at the mall."

"Oh, good. The – wait, what are you doing at the mall?"

"I'd rather not talk about it here." Brennan used a hushed voice, as though one of the passers-by might hear her and report to Booth. "Are you at Hodgins' place?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be over in half an hour. And make sure we're alone, please."

"Sweetie, what's going on? Are you planning an assassination? Because I think Hodgins would like to know about that."

"You have to promise to help me. And to not say a word to anyone, ever."

"Oh my God, Bren,did you kill someone?"

Temperance gave Angela a look. "No. I…I went shopping today."

Angela waited, eyebrow raised.

"For lingerie. To, um…toseduceBoothwith." Temperance Brennan, able to face down murderers and gangbangers, able to analyze mass graves without shedding a tear, couldn't force herself to tell her best friend that she planned to Booth.

"Once again, this time slowly."

"I need you to help me pick out lingerie and a dress. I'm planning on seducing Booth." Temperance ground out.

To her credit, Angela did not squeal, gush, or otherwise behave like a twelve-year-old girl. "What's your plan of attack?"

"Huh?"

"How are you planning for this to happen?" Angela clarified.

Temperance was impressed. If Angela was dying on the inside, she wasn't showing it. "I figured I'd wear an attractive outfit and then invite him to my house after dinner one night. You know, the outfits that people wear –"

Angela held up a hand. "No time for the anthropological lecture. First thing's first. Let's start with the lingerie."

"I already tried Victoria's Secret."

Angela started to say something and then thought better of it. "I'm not thinking Victoria's Secret. I'm thinking of something a little more…upscale."

"Where?"

"Ever heard of La Perla?"

Six hours and an obscene amount of money ("one hundred and seventy five dollars for a bra?!") later, Angela felt satisfied. Brennan would have Booth on his knees – and God willing, back – within two hours.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into buying this dress." Brennan studied the slinky black dress hanging in her closet. The front of the dress was fairly demure, but the back of the dress plunged down so that her back was mostly exposed. "This doesn't look like my usual clothing."

"It's not supposed to. Where are your high heels?"

Brennan pointed. "Angela, I don't know if I can do this." She fingered the garment bag.

"Brennan, of course you can. You may give him a headache sometimes, but, trust me. Booth is extremely warm for your form. Aha!" She held out a sky-high pair of heels.

Temperance didn't bother to ask what "warm for your form" meant. She had a pretty good idea.

"Wear these. Okay, dress, lingerie, shoes. I'll come help you with your makeup beforehand. Other than that, we just need a time and a place."

As though the heavens themselves had decided to join Team Temperance, the necessary situation came about in only a matter of days. Booth and Brennan had solved the disappearance of a popular chef who owned a posh French cuisine restaurant in Maryland.

"Please. I insist." The sous-now-executive chef of the restaurant turned from Booth to Brennan and back. "You solved my best friend's murder. It's the least I can do. Chef's table."

Booth and Brennan finally agreed that a dinner couldn't hurt. They set a date and thanked the chef.

"Fancy dress code." Booth commented, holding Brennan's office door open for her.

I know. Brennan thought happily. Instead, she said "I'm sure I'll find something."

Booth was silent for a moment. "I'm sure you will." After another pause, Booth turned for the door. "See you later, Bones."

That was weird. Brennan frowned at the door.

"Hey sweetie. What were you and FBI Ken talking about?" Angela wiggled her eyebrows more lasciviously than usual, if that was even possible.

"I don't know. Booth left pretty quickly. You didn't say anything about my plan to him, did you Ange?"

"What? No. You know I wouldn't do that to you."

Brennan's frown deepened.

The night of the dinner rolled around quickly enough. Angela had done her makeup, choosing a dark smoky eye and bold red lipstick. "It's long-lasting." Angela smirked. "But just in case, I'll put it in your purse."

Now Brennan was waiting for Booth to pick her up. She sat in her living room, practicing what Angela had taught her. "Cross the legs, uncross the legs." Temperance recited, practicing the motion. "Order dessert, something that will draw attention to your mouth."

The knock at the door startled her out of her recitations. She checked the peephole and then opened the door. "Hi. Come in, I just need to get my purse."

Booth just stared in shock at the body-skimming dress Brennan was wearing.

Temperance left Booth in the living room and ducked into her bedroom. Glancing furtively, Brennan shoved a few condoms from a pack she'd bought earlier that day. She debated bringing the condoms, but eventually figured better safe than sorry. She grabbed her cell phone and stuffed it into the little clutch to cover the condoms. "Okay, I'm ready." She walked back into the living room.

"Bones, you look amazing." Booth seemed a little stunned.

"Angela helped me pick it out." Ordinarily Temperance might have launched into a speech about clothes as a mating signal, but with great effort, she managed to stop herself.

"Angela picked very well." Booth waited as Brennan locked her apartment door and then they walked to Booth's SUV.

The drive to the restaurant was silent, though Booth's stolen glances at Brennan's crossed legs spoke volumes.

The maitre'd seated them right away and the sous-chef (executive chef now, Brennan reminded herself) came out to greet them. "Order whatever you want." The chef said warmly. "Your money is no good here."

Booth and Brennan perused the menu. "Should we get appetizers?" Booth asked.

"The stuffed tomatoes look good." Brennan suggested.

"Fine by me. I think I'm going to have the sea bass in puff paste."

"The croustade of Gnocchi for me." Brennan set down her menu.

They discussed Parker for a few minutes before the waiter took their order. "Have you heard from Russ?" Booth asked tentatively.

"Not in a while." Temperance seemed to be intently studying a spot just to the left of Booth's head.

"Bones, why aren't you looking at me?" Booth narrowed his eyes.

"Oh…I didn't realize I wasn't. Sorry." A lie. Brennan wasn't focused on Booth because she was psyching herself up for later that night.

Dinner went smoothly, though Brennan was careful to follow Angela's specific instructions. Eat slowly, sip your wine gently. And be natural. Booth is already into you, so no need to confuse him or weird him out.

For dessert, the chef sent out a platter of chocolate dipped fruits and a chocolate truffle cake. Remembering Angela's advice to draw attention to her mouth, she selected one of the chocolate berries.

"Mmm, this is really good." She murmured, closing her eyes in pleasure.

"Bones, you have to try this cake. It could end and start wars." Booth speared a small piece of cake and moved it towards Brennan's mouth. She turned her head slightly to stare at a platter of petit fours going by, so Booth gently turned her head to taste the cake.

An electric tingle ran from Brennan's hands down to her feet and her face flushed as Booth's rough hand made contact with Brennan's chin. Obediently, Temperance opened her mouth as Booth guided the bite of cake into Temperance's mouth. "Mmm." She swallowed. "That is good."

"Can I have a strawberry?"

Brennan was feeling bold this evening, but not nearly bold enough to feed Booth a strawberry. Instead, she offered him the plate.

Booth accepted a strawberry from the plate. Keeping eye contact with Brennan, Booth bit off the bottom of the strawberry, sucking on it almost suggestively for a minute.

Is he screwing with me? Brennan wondered. Does he know what I'm up to?

They finished off their dessert and said goodbye to the chef. "Temperance, would you like to come over for some coffee?" Booth asked,

It was one of the few times he'd ever called her Temperance, she noticed. "Coffee would be nice." She forced out. Confidence, she commanded herself.Be confident.

The drive back to Booth's house was filled with idle chatter about the camping trip Booth and Parker had recently taken.

Booth parked his car and led Brennan into his apartment.

"It's very neat." She observed. "Much neater than your desk at work."

"You've only seen my desk twice." Booth rebutted. He grinned at Temperance. "Besides, this is just one room."

What would Angela do? Brennan asked herself. "How about a tour?" She suggested. That seemed like a very Angela-esque thing to say.

"Well, this is the living room. Over there is the kitchen." They walked down a short hallway. "Guest bathroom, Parker's room, my room." Booth's room was decorated in a very masculine style. The furniture was dark and angular, the carpet and wall behind the bed dark blue. "That's pretty much it."

Do it. Do it now. Temperance commanded herself. Before she could stop herself, she kissed Booth.

The kiss took Booth by surprise, but he quickly warmed to it. His hands roamed to Brennan's butt and his lips moved to her neck. "Bones." He moaned into her skin. "What are we doing?"

"I want to…make love with you." Brennan frowned. Make love sounded so phony and trite, but for some reason, she couldn't say 'have sex with.' It just seemed too crass.

"Is this for real?" Booth paused. "Or is this a biological urge. Am I just any port in a storm?"

"No, I want you."

Her words seemed to spark Booth's libido and suddenly she was cold as Booth slipped the straps off her shoulders and removed her dress. For her part, Brennan was busy un-knotting his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.

"Condoms in my purse." She managed to mumble.

Booth opened the clutch, reached past the phone and held out a foil packet. "These," he said with a degree of amusement, "will not be big enough."

"But I got the regular size." Temperance frowned, slipping off her high heels.

"I know."

Temperance's insides rippled with excitement.

"Don't worry, I have some in my nightstand." He gestured to the table next to Brennan." She retrieved the box and tore off a long strip of condoms. "Planning to stay in here a while, are you?" Booth teased.

Temperance ignored his jibe, setting the condoms down on top of the nightstand and sat down on the bed. "Are you up for it, or do you need training wheels, still?"

"Bones, don't challenge me." Booth groaned. "Because I don't lose."

"Neither do I."

Booth lay down next to Brennan on the bed, pulling her flat. "This bra, by the way, is killing me." He ran a finger underneath the strap. "Where did you get this?"

"It's some designer. La Perla."

Booth let out another groan. "Don't ever wear this at the lab, or I can't be held responsible for my actions."

"Don't worry." Brennan assured Booth. "This is not work lingerie. I bought this for –" she cut herself off, realizing what she had been about to say.

A smirk spread over Booth's face. "You bought this for tonight, didn't you Bones?"

Cursing the blush warming her face, Brennan denied it.

"You planned this. The dress, the lingerie, everything."

"I didn't plan the dinner."

Booth's shit-eating grin widened. "So you did plan some of it."

Brennan remained silent.

"Bones, have you been trying to seduce me this whole evening?"

She finally broke her silence. "Well, it's not like you were doing anything about the sexual tension we both feel. I know males typically prefer to be the aggressors, but in light of the situation –"

"I didn't know you wanted me to." Booth ran a hand down Temperance's arm. "Believe me, if I had known that you were interested…" He trailed off.

"I thought you would prefer to be the one to initiate things. You didn't seem to be interested in a relationship with me." Temperance defended herself. "You slept with approximately half the women in the greater D.C. area, but not me."

"I never really cared about those women. I was scared that if I screwed up, I would lose our friendship. And I wasn't willing to gamble with that."

Temperance stayed silent for a moment. Finally, with a tiny smile, Temperance placed a kiss on Booth's shoulder and said, "I'm fairly sure this is not how seductions are supposed to go."

"You're doing fine by my standards." Booth kissed Temperance again. "I like talking with you. Non-bones-related conversations are rare with you."

"Talking to your partner during sex can heighten the pleasure." Temperance informed Booth. "It creates both physical and emotional bonds."

"I'm sure it does." Booth rolled over so that Temperance was lying on top of him. "You-" He was interrupted by a shrill phone ring.

"Whoever it is can wait." Temperance reached to unhook her bra.

"No, that's the emergency ring. Means it's the FBI and it can't wait."

Temperance rolled off of Booth as he grabbed his phone off the nightstand. He dialed into his office and listened while Cullen explained what was going on.

After he hung up, Booth turned to Brennan. "We caught this guy who's been killing college kids. They need me."

"I understand." Temperance re-fastened her bra. And Booth knew that if anyone did understand his job, it was Brennan.

"Listen, tomorrow, come over around seven-ish. I'm going to seduce you." Booth was already headed to the shower to rinse off.

After a quick rinse, Booth came back into the bedroom. "You know what, forget tomorrow evening. Stay here. The second I get home, I'll make pancakes and we can see where the morning takes us."

Brennan had watched Booth as he raced around his room, putting on clothes and tying his tie. Her instinct was to call Booth on his desire to have her remain in his territory, but she once again asked herself what Angela would say." I would like that." She got off the bed and adjusted Booth's tie.

Booth's million-watt grin let Temperance know that she'd said the right thing.

"I had a really good time tonight, even if the ending wasn't ideal." Booth gave Temperance a short, but passionate, kiss. "Consider me seduced. And tomorrow morning, I fully intend to reciprocate."