Notes: I wanted to write something for Halloween. It's my favorite holiday, and even though I have the flu, I feel the need to celebrate.
Warnings: CRACK! I'm making this up as I go along, so it's probably gonna end up being a whole new kind of stupid. Strong Language worthy of Hidan is probable, as is sarcasm in the extreme. This is a random attempt at Horror, but I wouldn't necessarily say it's scary. It's undoubtedly a Humor fic, really.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Hope you like it, and please tell me what you think!
Deidara stared moodily into his own cobalt blue eyes. Sighing melodramatically, he untied the black ribbon, letting his long blonde hair down in a rush of fragrance. He raised a hand and touched the cool glass of the mirror over the reflection of his pallid cheek. Deidara winced as a flash of lightning brightened the candle-lit room, followed by a resounding peal of thunder. Today had been one of those days where it seemed the whole world was out to get him. The blonde closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. He picked up a hairbrush and began gently running it through his hair-the candle light glimmering gently off of his golden locks.
It began so softly as to almost be unnoticeable; soft whispers floating on the wind. The terrorist shivered slightly as the temperature in the room dropped. A gust of chill wind crept through the open door. Deidara's cold eyes narrowed slightly as he watched the candle blow out in the mirror. His focus shifted back to his hair, and he tenderly smoothed another piece out. The silence returned, but Deidara's unease only grew. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. All of a sudden, a voice whispered harshly in his ear,
A face pale as death appeared in the mirror behind him as the lightning struck again. The blonde jumped violently, and whipped around before collapsing in relief.
"H-hidan..." he stammered, gasping for breath, "Don't DO that!"
The immortal stuck his tongue out at him.
"It's not my fault you're a fucking pansy."
Deidara scowled at him, removing his hand from his heart.
"What do you want?"
The priest's expression immediately became somber.
"I was just wondering if you noticed anything..strange going on tonight? Like whispering out of nowhere, or wind?"
The blonde scoffed nervously. "Other than you sneaking around in your pajamas, no, not particularly."
"Ha ha, aren't we the comedian?" Hidan said bitterly. Then out of nowhere, added, "Yo, blondie, how about coming with me to get a sandwich?"
Deidara raised a fine eyebrow. "Why?"
Hidan faltered. "Umm, well, no reason, really.." seeing Deidara's skeptical expression, he said hotly, "What the fuck is it to you?"
The blonde actually started laughing. "I can't believe this! You're SCARED, aren't you?"
"NO!" Hidan retorted, a little too quickly.
"Alright," Deidara agreed, still chuckling, "If you're too much of a wuss to walk through the base alone at night, I'll come with you."
Hidan flipped him off, but didn't say anything.
The two unlikely snack buddies left the room and began quietly walking down the dim corridor. Neither one would ever admit it, but there was something off in the way the sconces sporadically flickered. A sudden, deafening noise rent through the eerie quiet. Hidan jumped violently, and clutched Deidara's arm.
Both Akatsuki members slowly turned around, and the source of the noise was made clear.
"The door." Hidan said, weak with relief, "It's just the goddamned bathroom door."
The two cautiously made their way down the side hallway to the bathroom. The moonlight was cast back by the stainless steel cabinets, giving the room an unnatural silver glow. Hidan and Deidara glanced at each other, nodded grimly, and stepped into the frigid room.
There, scrawled on the mirror in huge, gleaming letters, were the words,
'Its beginning will mean your end.'
Deidara shakily extended his hand and touched the substance dripping down the glass.
"It's written in blood," he whispered, voice cracking in panic.
"What the hell is that supposed to even mea-" Hidan was cut off by the sound of splashing. Both assassins turned rigidly to its source- the toilet.
"Oh no..oh GOD no!" Hidan began, but Deidara, put a hand to his arm to stop his rant. The two warily moved forward, and peered over the rim of the bowl.
Deidara exhaled. "Nothing...must just be our imaginations."
"If we're just imagining it, then why's the floor shaking?"
The whole room rumbled ominously. The vibrations increased to the point where water was actually sloshing out of the toilet bowl. The two assassins realized the danger, and bolted for the door just in time. The toilet exploded, shooting hundreds of live piranhas out into the night.
Hidan and Deidara ran screaming down the hall, but weren't fast enough. The fish over came them, and latched their sharp teeth into anything they could find. The assassins continued their flight until, after what seemed like an eternity, the safe haven of the kitchen came into view.
Hidan wrenched open the door and once they were both inside, slammed it shut. The grotesque sound of hundreds of slimy fish bodies pelting the wood following them, the Akatsuki members ran into the pantry.
Grabbing a rolling pin, Deidara began a spirited attack on the fish that were still attached to Hidan, the immortal doing the same for him. At long last, after the last obstinate piranha had been pulled out of Deidara's hair and killed, the assassins allowed themselves to relax.
"I don't know what the hell kinda shit that was, but it's over now," Hidan breathed.
"Thank God, " Deidara agreed, "Hey, do your feet feel itchy?"
"Yes, actually..." the immortal casually flicked a light switch.
The bare light bulb came on with a snap, casting the contours of pantry into sharp relief. The two assassins nervously looked down, only to find that the floor was teeming with insanely enormous cockroaches. The screaming began again.
They bolted out of the pantry, but that was as far as they got. Plaster fell off the walls, and the light fixture trembled, as the ground began to quake. All of a sudden, thick vines shot out of the walls and wrapped themselves around the assassins' ankles. Hidan spastically hacked at the horticultural menace, and eventually, the plants stopped their attack. Just when they thought they had escaped the last attack, a new horror assaulted Hidan and Deidara.
An inhuman scream tore through the chaos, and the two Akatsuki members ducked just in time to avoid the flock of possessed origami cranes. Thinking fast, Deidara grabbed a can of Pam no stick cooking spray, and a match. The resulting conflagration effectively destroyed the birds, but even this was not the end.
The eerie music of a hundred untuned flutes pierced the night, as Hidan and Deidara rushed to the refrigerator.
"Get your fucking sandwich already so we can get the hell out of this madhouse!" Deidara screamed at Hidan over the din
"You don't need to tell me twice, blondie!" Hidan yelled back.
The immortal wrenched open the door, and a gust of cold air filled the room. Violet met Cobalt as the two assassins stared incredulously at each other.
"You have GOT to be kidding me," The immortal said.
The half-eaten remains of a roasted chicken stared the assassins down. The bird carcass stood up, and pulled a long knife out of it's wrinkled flesh, and with a blood-curdleing screech, launched itself at Hidan and Deidara.
Kisame shuddered, as he vainly attempted to ignore the echoing screams of his fellow Akatsuki members. Finally, he put down his book, and turned to look at the back of the person who was lying in the bed beside his.
"Itachi-san, I call myself a sadist, as you well know, but even I think this is going too far."
The Uchiha laughed quietly, and without opening his eyes said, "Kisame-kun, they have to learn their lesson, and the two of them are so stubborn, one really has to drive it home."
"But what could they have possibly done to deserve this?
Itachi smiled-the quintessence of evil.
"You know full well, Kisame-kun, that those who touch my dango, have sealed their own doom."