AN: Okay, the reason for this was because the Intermediates in my 4-H club are doing film making this year and our first asignment was to make a 5-10 minute parody of our choice. This is the script for mine, a spoof of the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosepher's Stone. I would do the entire book, but considering it can only be up to 10 minutes...
Note that I love all Harry Potter characters (except for Wormtail Blegh!) and am not trying to criticize any of them. Remember, this is just a spoof.
Harry Potter and the Three Deranged Teachers
Dumbledore walks into Private Drive in the middle of the night. He uses this deluminator to dim the street lamps and to light a cigarette. A near by cat comes up to him.
DUMBLEDORE: I should've known you would be hear…Professor McGonagall.
Another cat comes along.
CAT #2: Merow.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, I'm sorry, Minerva, I thought that other cat was –
Two more cats enter.
More cats come.
DUMBLEDORE: WILL YOU JUST TURN INTO A HUMAN ALREADY!
The farthest cat turns into McGonagall in front of Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: Thank you!
MCGONAGALL: Yeah, yeah. You know I missed a Halloween party for this.
DUMBLEDORE: That would explain the smell.
McGonagall stops to pull a flask out of her robes.
DUMBLEDORE:And your friends - ?
Dumbledore motions to all the other cats.
MCGONAGALL:My entourage. But moving on, Albus…Are the rumours really true?
DUMBLEDORE:Yes, Minnie –
DUMBLEDORE: Whatever. Well the stories are true. The good and the bad. Orlando Bloom has hooked up with Jennifer Anistan and Britney has finally had her children taken away –
MCGONAGALL: I meant the other rumours, Albus.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, you mean of Oprah's new diet. Well, it really isn't –
MCGONAGALL: The one about the Potters!
DUMBLEDORE:Oh…OH! Oh, the Potters! Yes, of course it's true, why else would everyone be out partying?
MCGONAGALL: Um…Because it's Halloween…
DUMBLEDORE: Oh. Well, either way, it's still true.
MCGONAGALL:And the boy?
DUMBLEDORE:It's a boy?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, whatever it is, Hagrid is bringing it over right away.
MCGONAGALL:Albus, do you think it wise to trust Hagrid which such a thing like this?
DUMBLEDORE:I would trust Hagrid with my life, Miranda –
DUMBLEDORE:Whatever. Anyway, I would trust Hagrid with my life… –
The two are interrupted by a bell ringing. They look over in time to see Hagrid ride over to where they are on a little tricycle.
HAGRID:MAKE WAY! DIS THING 'AS NO BREAKS!
Dumbledore jumps out of the way in time to see Hagrid crash and burn into the nearest lamp post.
MCGONAGALL:You were saying?
HAGRID:'Ello, Gov'na. Wots the dilly – o?
DUMBLEDORE:Safe journey, Hagrid?
HAGRIDOh yeah. I 'ad a liddle truble a while ago with teh police but all 'n all –
MCGONAGALL:And the boy?
DUMBLEDORE:Why Harry Bladder –
MCGONAGALL:Did you bring him, Hagrid?
HAGRID:It's a he?
MCGONAGALL:DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT BRING HARRY POTTER WITH YOU?!
HAGRID:Well naw, I can' see why I wud.
HAGRID:…Oh…OH! OH BLIMEY I'LL UH…I'LL BE RIGHT BACK I uh…just fergot me…socks.
Hagrid jumps back on his tricycle and peddles back the way he came.
THREE HOURS LATER
MCGONAGALL:I think you meant to say 'lemon sherbet'?
DUMBLEDORE:No, I meant, do you want a smoke or not?
Hagrid appears again and jumps off his tricycle, letting it fall on a nearby cat.
(Insert catch screech here)
HAGRID:I'm back and I 'ave teh baby – I mean…me socks.
Hagrid reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a baby wrapped in a tea towel.
He tosses the baby to the teachers in one swift motion. Not knowing what to do, the two teachers back out of the way and watch the sleeping baby drop to the ground with a thud.
DUMBLEDORE:Were we supposed to catch that?
Dumbledore picks the baby up and faces Hagrid and McGonagall again.
MCGONAGALL:Where's his scar?
DUMBLEDORE and HAGRID:What scar?
MCGONAGALL:The one that Harry got from facing You Know Who.
DUMBLEDORE:No…We don't know who.
MCGONAGALL:He Who Must Not Be Named.
Dumbledore and Hagrid stare at McGonagall more.
Hagrid screams and jumps behind Dumbledore.
HAGRID: DON'T SAY HIS NAME!
MCGONAGALL:WELL HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU WHO HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED AKA YOU KNOW WHO WAS?!!
Dumbledore ignores the two and lifts the tea towel Harry is in.
DUMBLEDORE: Here's the scar!
McGonagall and Hagrid stop their ranting and peer down at the baby.
MCGONAGALL and HAGRID: Oh…
HAGRID:Well, dat's gotta be embarassin'
MCGONAGALL:I'll say. Isn't there a way to make it a little less…perverting?
DUMBLEDORE:Anyone here have a sharpie?
Hagrid pulls a black sharpie out of his coat pocket. Dumbledore takes it and draws a duplicate of the scar on Harry's forehead.
DUMBLEDORE:There, now no one well ever by the wiser. Now let's get this over and done with.
The three link arms and skip to the front door in the background.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, we're off the see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz –
MCGONAGALL: Not now, Albus.
They all stop in front of the door.
MCGONAGALL:Albus, are you sure about this? I know they are his only family, but we can't just leave him here.
DUMBLEDORE:But we must, Minerva. Homer's –
DUMBLEDORE: Whatever. His life depends on it.
MCGONAGALL: You mean he can only be safe when he's with someone related to home in order to ward off You Know Who and at the same time build character for the future?
DUMBLEDORE: Well…My first reasons were because I like messin' with people and I don't wanna take care of the kid myself – but your idea works too!
Dumbledore slowly bends down to set Harry on the doorstep when the door suddenly opens to reveal a deranged woman with a bowl of candy.
DERANGED WOMAN:Oh, you're all just so cute! Here's some candy for you, and you, and you! Have a fun night, kids!
The door slams closed.
DUMBLEDORE:Okay…WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO KILL THE POTTERS ON HALLOWEEN!
MCGONAGALL: I got a pack of gum!
DUMBLEDORE: Really? I got a chocolate bar!
HAGRID:I got a rock.
Hagrid puts the rock in his mouth and starts chewing.
MCGONAGALL: Hey, Dumbledore, this isn't number four, Private Drive…This is number five!
HAGRID: Blimey! Let's get goin' den!
They all link arms and skip to the next house.
DUMBLEDORE:Oh, we're off to see the wiz –
MCGONAGALL: Shut it, Albus.
They all stop in front of the door.
MCGONAGALL: Okay, let's drop it and run before anyone sees us and gives is candy again.
Dumbledore drops the baby immediately. The camera zooms in closer to the baby as the teachers say their dramatic goodbyes.
DUMBLEDORE: Goodbye...Homer Bladder –
MCGONAGALL: Harry Potter
AN: Review to tell me what you think. Remember that I didn't mean this to happen this way, I was just doing a 4-H project.