Welcome to the fourth edition of Guess the Author. I am your humble host, Jason "Zaratan" Jones, and I come to you 11 tales from a wide variety of authors to dazzle your senses.

Yvj won last time, oh so long ago, so this intriguing topic, soap opera, is all his doing. On the other hand, it looks like a LOT of people had a lot of fun with this one.

The rules are simple. Read through all the stories, and then try to guess which of our amazing authors wrote that particular story. Write out your responses to me, Zaratan, by either PM or by email at zaratan4 at hotmail dot com, and the one closest, getting the most correct, wins and gets to select our next contest topic.

And now, for our list of authors, in alphabetical order;




Gray Cardinal

Joe Stoppinghem




Scoutcraft Piratess



Remember, match as many stories as you can with these authors, happy reading, and good luck to you all!

…x x x x…

The Worst Kim Possible Soap Opera—Ever

It wasn't like Drakken didn't pack a load of money. He had all the nice things of the material world: yachts, diamonds, televisions with perks no one understood, and about a hundred cars gifted with spy gadgets. In fact, one of the reasons Monique had married him was for his money. Four billion dollars was a healthy sum by anyone's judgment.

The only problem was that Stoppable had more and everyone knew it. Eleven billion, gleaned from Bueno Nacho investments, his five-star restaurant, and that time he won the from that lottery thing at the mall. Eleven billion dollars was a lot of money.

And Monique could easily enjoy eleven billion dollars. She hated to think of herself as a gold digger (though, as she lay there at the side of her Sundance pool drinking water purified by Eastern European monks, she wondered what else she could be) but after her half-sister Zita deftly stole her fashion line from right under her money had become a precious necessity and Monique intended to never be without it again.

She took another sip of her water. Drakken had not paid for this water. Ron Stoppable had earned his money. Drakken's fortune had come from his two prior wives, Shego and Kim Possible. Monique wanted to be with a man who could think for himself, make an honest living to support his darling wife.

And Monique would be that darling wife.

She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of the newly imported acacia trees. It mixed well with the chlorine and her new perfume. A Joss Possible original, blended especially for her, just before Joss Possible had been in that mysterious accident and had slipped into that coma four years ago. Poor, poor Joss. Perhaps Monique was being far too greedy. She could live on four billion dollars just fine. Her life would be perfect with four billion dollars.

Her life would be perfect save for one little thing.

Her husband.

She could hear him approaching, his boots clicking against the tile. She did not look to him, did not even move. He disgusted her. Her first reaction was to shiver when he put his strong hands on her shoulders. He gave an excellent massage, actually, but so did many others. "My darling," he whispered. "The one for whom I would give up global domination."

"You don't have global domination, dear," she replied stiffly. Now she would have to deal with his pout.

Indeed, the syrup left his voice. "You don't need to rub it in. I'm working on it. My next invention—"

It was best to give him what he wanted. She sighed and pulled off her sunglasses. "Yes, yes. I have perfect faith in your next invention."

"Perhaps you would like to take a look at it." He finally removed his hands from her shoulders. "You are quite devious yourself. After what you did to poor Zita."

Monique pursed her lips. "I did not kill Brick Flagg."

"Of course you didn't."

"Brick Flagg's death was an unfortunate accident. And she already had her revenge."

"But she was your illegitimate half-sister!"

"There is nothing wrong, dear, with being the daughter of a great noble like Monty Fisk, even if I must share that claim with someone like Zita Flores." She could not reveal the truth of Brick Flagg's death, not even to her husband. Especially to her husband. The truth was too horrible.

"Well," Drakken said softly. "What's done is done." And with that, he left his wife to her pool.

His second ex-wife was waiting outside the mansion, face hidden by a bandana that also enveloped her red hair. "Drew," Kim Possible Stoppable Lipsky Reager whispered as she pulled him in for a kiss.

Drakken kissed her back, hard. "Kim," he replied. "I didn't think you would dare come today, not with that bitch Monique lounging around today."

Kim made a face. "She is my best friend, Drew, and she always will be. But I still love you. I love you more than anything."

Drew sighed and planted a kiss on Kim's forehead. "Do you love me enough to kill Monique?"

The scream of the pool boy resonated from the pool. "Mr. Lipsky! It is your wife! She is dead!"

Drakken and Kim took that precious moment to look at each before they both burst into maniacal laughter. Monique should have known the water was poisoned.

Meanwhile, the third floor of Middleton Hospital was experiencing an oddly slow time. Dr. Anne Possible and Ronald Stoppable had taken the opportunity to enjoy some lattes, though clearly "enjoy" was not the correct word.

"Her vitals never change, Annie," Ron said despondently. "It has been years, and yet my darling Joss has shown no signs of healing."

Anne sighed and placed her hand on Ron's shoulder. "Even though you are no longer my son-in-law, you know that I still care for you. I am doing everything in my power to heal Joss. She has access to the finest medical care available…"

"Damn it!" Ron slammed his fist down on the counter. "Don't feed me those lies! There is more! You can do more for her!"

"Ron!" Anne shouted, though with infinite patience. She had seen this outburst many times before from Ron. Ever since his pet naked mole rat had turned against him, he had not been the same. It was as if he had lost all sense of innocence and trust, even turning away her secretly adopted daughter Kim who had stood by him for so many years. He had finally found comfort in the arms of Joss, but that horrible, horrible accident… Anne pushed the thoughts away. Yes, it was an accident. Ron must never know the truth, that it had been her, Anne Possible, who, in the blinding fury of finding out that her husband James and her two sons had been nothing but brain tumor-related delusions with which Kim had played along, had accidentally struck Joss that fateful night. "Ron, you know that I am doing all I can!"

Ron nodded slowly and wiped furiously at his tears. "I'm sorry, Anne. You are my one true friend these days. I'm sorry. I must… I must see my darling Joss."

Anne watched him go. It broke her heart to see him like this. It always should have been Kim and Ron. But alas, it was not to be. She did not even notice the mysterious figure that had risen behind her.

"Annie," came the all-too-familiar voice.

With a gasp she whirled around. It was him. Tall, dark hair, sparkling blue eye (for one was covered in an eye patch). But it couldn't be. She had taken her medications that day.

"James," she whispered. "But you're not real!"

"I am real, Annie!" He fell to her knees and grabbed her hands within his. "Can't you see that? Can't you feel me?"

And she could. She could feel the warmth of his rough hands. "James, they told me you were nothing but a delusion caused by my brain tumor. All of it went away when the tumor was removed."

"That's what they told you!" he said desperately "That's what they want you to believe! Do you doubt everything we had together? Our daughter that we had kidnapped all those years ago?"

"What about our twin boys?"

"They were a delusion, Annie. I'm sorry."

Annie wanted to cry, but she was so happy. "Oh James!"

Ron watched all of this from the doorway of Joss' room. One happy moment. He had always wished he could have told Anne the truth, but he knew it would have been too painful, with all that she had been through. Why could he not have a happy moment in the midst of all his pain?

Joss lay in the bed, looking for all the world like Sleeping Beauty. Her vitals were steady, but low, as they had been so long. His heart ached for her, and he kissed her unresponding lips.

"Mr. Stoppable."

Ron turned.

There stood Wade Lode, the private investigator he had hired.

"What it is, Wade?" Ron demanded.

Wade slid him a thumb drive. "Here it is. Photos, everything you need."

Ron took one look at the drive, then flung it on the floor. "Just tell me what you know. You know perfectly well I can't operate a computer to save my life."

"Monique Lipsky," Wade said.

"My ex-wife's best friend?" Ron was horrified. "She is the one who has been keeping my darling Joss in a coma?"

"Actually…" Wade took a deep breath. "Monique never existed. It is the pseudonym of a woman called Yori. I believe she is an old friend of yours. She disguised herself as an American named Monique. She has been stalking you since high school whilst pretending to be best friends with Kim."

Ron could do nothing but stare. "How can this be? Are you sure?"

"Think about it," said Wade. "Have you ever seen them together? Ever?"

Ron gasped. "How could I have not seen it before?!"

"It might have been your amnesia, Ron."

Ron gave a rare laugh. "Oh, yes. I forgot about my amnesia. But why has she done this?"

"She wants you, Ron. Or at least your money."

"But she is married to Drakken! He is very wealthy!" Ron shook his head. As much as he wanted to deny it he could not escape the truth. "I did care for her, once. But I love Joss now. And I cannot care for someone who would poison my true love in order to get to me." He took a deep breath and put on a firm face. "She must die, Wade."

"It's too late," replied Wade. "She is already dead."

"No I am not."

Both men turned to the door. There stood Monique/Yori, holding a gun. "This hospital floor is much too quiet," she said. "Perhaps this will shake things up. I am not dead because I knew very well that Kim and Drakken had poisoned my drink. I replaced it with pool water. Then, when they came to check on me, I had my lover the pool boy shoot them both. Now I will kill you, and Raul and I will take your wealth on top of what I get from my late husband's estate."

Wade laughed. "Hah! How will you have claim to it?"

Monique/Yori rolled her eyes. "Well, technically I only get half. I have not been keeping Joss in a coma. It was all a set-up that Doctor Possible helped arrange for us. I promised Joss that if I reunited her with her boyfriend she would give me half your money."

"How can you trust her?" Ron demanded. "Joss loves me!"

"She is my half-sister, and no, she does not love you." And with that, she shot Wade and Ron to death.

Joss moaned and opened her eyes. "Yori?" she whispered. "Is that you?"

Yori rushed to her side. "Yes, dear sister! I am here! And your half-brother Raul is waiting in the limo outside! Thank goodness I am not blood related to him!"

"What about Brick?" Joss asked. "Did you find him?"

"Yes," Yori replied as she helped Joss from the bed. "His evil twin had captured him, but I managed to kill the evil twin, much to Zita Flores' disappointment. I will take you to him immediately!"

And with that, the two women ran outside of the hospital in hopes of reaching their true loves before Raul made up his mind to follow his heart or accept the money Ron Stoppable had paid him to dump Yori/Monique.

To be continued… next time… (aka, the End)