Insert Disclaimer here: Twilight series not mine… sigh.
I turned around to the sound of his voice. It was the last one I expected to hear. Ever. I thought he was gone forever… a distant, blissful, but impossible memory. I loved him. It was at this moment that I realised I always would. No matter how much I loved Edward… I would always love him.
"Jake…" I flung myself at him, my arms encircling his waist. He grimaced and slowly pulled me off of him, taking a few steps backwards… away from me. The hole seared at the edges and it took everything I had to blink back the tears that I felt flooding my eyes.
"Bells…I came back. But I can't stay. I just wanted to say goodbye before… before it happens"
"Oh." An uncomfortable silence fell around us. I refused to lift my head, staring at the holes in my shoes. I felt a finger lift my chin up so I had no choice but to look at him. As I watched his eyes, I couldn't help but feel the same pain he was feeling. The sadness pulled me under and I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but made myself stop in case he pulled away again. I had to remind myself to be careful. It doesn't matter what I do to myself… I just can't cause any more pain to him. All I do is cause pain to the ones I love. I couldn't hold back any more and I started gasping for air in a pathetic and embarrassing way. Jacob pulled me to him, and his arms wrapped around me, warming me. As much as I knew that I shouldn't be doing this, I couldn't stop myself. He was too warm, too comfortable. My safe harbour. My personal sun. My Jacob. As I quieted, Jacob rubbed soothing circles into my lower back, and I could hear a gentle humming in my ear. Again comforting me. He was always doing that. Comforting the only one who doesn't deserve it.
" I'm sorry… I just had to say goodbye. But it doesn't have to be goodbye. You could change your mind…" Why did that have to sound so tempting? But as I considered this an image of Edward flashed across my vision, reminding me.
"Jake… you know I can't. You know I want to but I… I… I just can't… please can we.." Jake's fingers cut off my babbling.
"Ssh... Bells honey, I know" He ran one hand through my hair, pulling it to the side, the other hand still at my lower back. I ran my hands along his bare chest, memorising. I looked up at him and his face was closer than I expected, surprising me. I let out an audible gasp and he smiled his beautiful smile at me. I huffed and tried to pull away, tripping over my own feet as I did so. Jacob was hunched over laughing, when he recovered he offered me his hand, still trying to stifle a laugh, but not quite managing to. Grudgingly I took his hand and he lifted me to my feet.
"I'm going to miss that and I'm going to miss you." I tried to break away from him and his inquiring gaze. I didn't know if I would have the strength to say no. He pulled me back to him. "Listen to me, I promised I would be good and I promise that I will be… I know you don't have a choice but does that mean you have to die to do that? I won't even be able to see you…" he trailed off talking more to himself than to me. I cringed at the sight of his pain, knowing that I caused it. Too much. Too much for me to handle.
And I did the worst thing possible. I reached my hand up around his neck and pulled him to me. When our lips met, I felt his uncertainty and he wasn't responding. I started to pull away, ashamed and embarrassed. But now he refused to let go, our lips now only inches apart. "Don't" he begged. "Don't go…"
He felt my indecision and so in one swift movement his lips were back on mine. The warmth I felt was amazing and I never wanted this feeling to end, but I knew that it had to. I couldn't keep doing this to him and to Edward. Edward! I felt Jacobs' hands grasping, refusing to let go. I couldn't blame him, I didn't want it to either. Our lips moulding together, working against one another. My hands were wrapped around his neck, and I moved them to his hair, ruffling my hands through it and drawing him closer. Jacobs hands were roaming over my body of their own free will. One hand now at the small of my back, bowing me under him, the other had worked itself under my shirt, roaming, exploring. His lips moved to under my jaw and trailed to my ear. "I'll always be waiting…"
He pressed his lips once more to mine for a few moments. He pulled away, our faces barely apart. He stroked my cheek and I saw his brow furrow and I smoothed it over with my fingers. For the last time I brought my lips to his for a moment. I broke away, walking backwards with tears streaming down my face… "I'm so sorry…" I didn't even know who I was apologizing to- Edward or Jacob? I sobbed and ran. Jacob didn't try to follow me, or console me. The last glance I had through the trees of him, he was hunched over, pain crumpling his face. Tears wrecking his beautiful face. I had only gone a few steps when I heard the echoing sound of a wolfs howl. I ran… I don't know where to… I just knew I shouldn't stop.
I would run to him. To the one I knew would always forgive me. Why I didn't know, but I did know he would forgive me. And there he was… I ran into Edwards waiting arms and burrowed my face in his chest.
I could hear a low growl erupt from his chest, but he didn't release me, just pulled me closer.
"Bella… Bella- look at me" he was trying to coax me into looking at him, but I couldn't let him. I couldn't bear to look at him after what I had done again… what is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just control myself?
I hung in his arms, silent, for an immeasurable amount of time. I don't know how long. I lost track. All I knew was the pain I was feeling in my knees for standing so long….
I suddenly feel to my knees, my hands wrapping themselves around his legs. I was hunching over, bawling, sobbing, begging.
"Edward! Edward I didn't mean to….. I'm so sorry! Don't go… Edward…. No no no Edward please."
"Bella. I'm not going anywhere." What? He can't possibly be serious. After what I've done? I so do not deserve this man. "But I think maybe you should. Obviously you can't stay away from him… I know how you both feel and I don't think you should have to fight it. I will let you go if you want to Bella… it's always your choice." I don't want it to be my choice. I want someone to make it for me. And I want that person to choose the right one.
" I want my life to be with you."
" I want that more than anything too Bella, but are you sure?- there won't be any going back after the change. He won't want you then."
" But I love you. I love you more. I really do." Why did it have to sound like I was convincing myself as much as him?
His lips were on my now, being as careful as ever. It felt so good but there was a part inside of me, growing larger by the second that was screaming at me, telling me to stop. And I listened. I pushed my hand against his chest.
" I am so sorry" I breathed. " I hope that one day you can forgive me"
And I backed away slowly, hesitantly. He watched me, mournfully. His eyes glazed over and he had a lost look. I hesitated on my last step. He mouthed I'll be waiting for you and then he was gone.
I had now backed away from the two men I loved. I had made the same mistake again.
And all I could think about was my personal sun. By the time I made it to La Push, I was bouncing in anticipation, but biting my lip with nerves. Would he even still want me after everything I have done to him? I had to hope so.
He was sitting under our tree at First Beach, playing with a stick, marking x's into the sand and erasing them again… over and over. He didn't notice me.
He froze when he heard my approach. But he didn't turn, just closed his eyes and his mouth formed itself into a grimace. I sat myself beside him silently, he still refused to acknowledge my presence. I raised a hand hesitatingly and brushed it over his cheek.
"Bella I love you but I can't keep doing this, I can't handle it" Please, oh please don't be saying this.
"I've made my choice Jacob."
"Yeah… I noticed." The bitterness in his voice was so obvious I just wanted to reach out and take him into my arms and never let go.
"Jake... I love you. I want you. I hope it's not too late for you to forgive me"
He finally opened his eyes and gazed at me in disbelief. I leaned toward him to quell his doubts, he met me halfway.