A response to my own challenge on the darkshipping LJ community.
Title: How the Hell is This Word Play?
Canon: Semi-canon. Yami and Bakura have their own bodies and didn't go into the afterlife.
Notes: Yami and Bakura are already in a relationship.
The Challenge: Write a darkshipping fic that either consists entirely of dialogue or does not have any dialogue at all. I chose the former.
Summary: Sometimes, Yami wonders why he puts up with Bakura.
"Where were you last night?"
"What do you mean?"
"Where were you? I called but you didn't answer."
"I was busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"Just stuff okay?"
"I think I deserve an explanation if not an apology."
"I don't need to explain anything to you."
"It's not a matter of need, it's a matter of…politeness."
"Since when did you care whether I was polite or not?"
"That's not the point?"
"Does it matter?"
"Does it matter that it was 'not the point'?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You know, that is exactly what I want to know."
"Excuse me for getting worried!"
"You don't need to worry about me."
"Damn it, don't change the subject."
"Then tell me what the hell you were doing at 11 o'clock in a bar when you told me you'd be home."
"What, may I ask, made you think I was in a bar?"
"I saw you."
"At a bar!"
"Yes, I gathered. Which bar?"
"That new one, the one Tristan's uncle own."
"There's no point denying it."
"I wasn't at a bar. I was at home."
"Then why didn't you answer your phone."
"I told you, I was busy."
"Hm, too busy lip-locking with that slut?"
"The slut you had on your lap."
"I wasn't with a slut. I wasn't with anyone!"
"I saw you."
"Do you not trust me?"
"No. You know that already."
"Anyway, stop changing the subject. Why were you flirting with a slut?"
"I was not flirting with a slut. I was at home, on my own, pre-"
"I was not with a slut."
"Fine, why were you flirting with that…that girl."
"So you just stayed at home the entire day."
"You just stayed at home and did stuff."
"All on your own."
"Most of the time, yes."
"Well, I had to help Yugi walk home. Joey accidentally got him drunk."
"But you were at home the entire night."
"I knew it! You good-for-nothing, bastard-excuse for an ex-pharaoh!"
"I wasn't…it's not what you think."
"Isn't it? You lie to me claiming you were at home then admit to helping Yugi walk home. Even if I wasn't a duelist I'd be able to tell you were lying."
"It wasn't like that! And stop snarling at me."
"I have every right to."
"If you'd just let me explain."
"Explain? EXPLAIN?! What, pray tell, is there to explain. You cheated on me and…and...argh, I should kill you right now."
"Even ignoring the fact you can never beat me and thus will never kill me, I think you should allow me to explain."
"No. You can stick your 'explanation' right up your-"
"Bakura! For goodness's sake, we're in a playground."
"Do I look like I give a damn?"
"You never look like you 'give a damn' about anything. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether we're really together."
"Oh, so that's why you decided to make out with that slut."
"I told you, I didn't make out with a slut."
"You also told me you stayed at home the entire evening so I think it'll be my words that we trust."
"I only went to get Yugi."
"All the while flirting with that…what do they call it? Oh yes, 'sex on two legs'."
"Why would I need someone like that if I have you?"
"Oh, so you've resorted to textbook flattery now? That's low, even for you."
"It's not flattery. It's truthful reasoning."
"Is it now? Well if you're being so truthful why don't you tell me what the heck you were doing yesterday?"
"I was helping Yugi get home because he got drunk and was attacked by a loli-shota lover…actually, that was probably your slut."
"Why didn't you answer the phone?"
"I was busy."
"What happened to being truthful?"
"I am being truthful, I'm just withholding information."
"No it's not."
"…Okay, I'll give you that one."
"If you were busy why didn't you just pick up the phone and say so?"
"Because I knew it was you. You'd have made me go to your place or come over when I turned you down. Not to mention throw a hissy fit."
"I do not throw hissy fits!"
"You're throwing one now."
"No, I'm giving you a hissy fit on a silver platter and ensuring you hear every single word of it. And stop changing the damn subject. What's so wrong with me coming over?"
"I was busy."
"So, you'd have distracted me."
"As much as I love to indulge myself in the fact that my mere presence can distract you, I know that it's not true. Which means that I can deduct the only reason you refuse to tell me what you were doing and willingly declined my company is because you don't want me to know about it."
"I thought you were smarter than that."
"What? Hey, don't give me that look."
"It took you this long to guess that I don't want you to know about it?"
"I said stop giving me that look!"
"You've changed it now. And how many times do I have to tell you to stop. Changing. The subject?"
"So what don't you want me to know?"
"I will if you'd quit being such a control freak."
"I am not a control freak. I just want to know what you're keeping from me. I have a right as your partner."
"Yugi's my partner and he accepts anything I keep from him."
"What? You're giving me up for…for yourself? Ugh, that's disgusting. I didn't know you were such a narcissist. I mean, I knew you were damn vain but to fall in love with yourself?"
"That's not what I mea-"
"Really pharaoh, it is really a record. I had a low enough respect for you as it is, but to love yourself so much. It is seriously, seriously wrong. You should see a doctor or something, you know. I mean it might just be something wrong with your brain and-"
"Fine! I'll tell you. I was busy looking for a restaurant for our anniversary. Happy?"
"Yes, now stop that infuriating smirking. I was planning to surprise you but, well so much for that. You're so difficult."
"Tell me pharaoh, do you count wordplay as a game?"
"This was hardly wordplay."
"Very well, do you consider arguments as a game?"
"No, so don't even suggest it. You're never going to win against me."
"But I already have. I managed to wrestle out the truth. It is your defeat."
"I chose to let you know because you were being damn annoying."
"Careful, you're going to end up sounding like me at this rate."
"I thought I told you to stop that smirking."
"You're not the boss of me. But I'm disappointed, to think you couldn't keep one little surprise dinner a secret."
"If you had wanted it to be a surprise then you shouldn't have bothered me."
"Ah, but I didn't know about the surprise. And if you had really wanted to keep it a secret you wouldn't have relented so easily."
"If I wasn't, I wouldn't be me."
"…You know, maybe I will go and find a slut. It'll be a hell of a lot easier than a relationship with you."
"Don't you dare."
Disclaimer: Yugioh belongs to Kazuki Takahashi.