This is loosely based on the movie THREE MEN AND A BABY. Yep, very loosely. Only with differences. Two major ones at the very least among many others.
I own neither the movie rights, story rights, Naruto characters or anything else that might be deemed protected material.
The apartment was perfect for them. Since their promotions to jounin status was relatively new none of them had genin teams yet to worry about. Each of them were often out on missions and so they rarely got into each other's way. Their combined paychecks and danger bonuses allowed them to rent an extremely large apartment with all the amenities.
And the women. The women LOVED the apartment. And Kotetsu, Izumo and Genma loved the women. It was the perfect set-up. Until one fateful morning ...
Genma had left on a mission the night before and had left a vague note for Izumo, who'd found it pinned to his bedroom door with a kunai.
"Package arriving sometime today. It's important. And keep the package dry, or I'll gut you. Genma. P.S. Don't tell anyone about it and DON'T FORGET!"
Izumo had snorted and crumpled up the note. Genma was the one who forgot things, not he and Kotetsu. It was Genma who'd forgotten to fill the pantry on his turn. It was Genma who forgot it was his turn to pay the electric bill. Kotetsu was still fuming over the nasty letter from the utility people, and that had been months ago.
Izumo headed out into the village for breakfast. None of the shinobi were good cooks. They ate out most often, it was just easier on them all the way around.
Kotetsu yawned and headed for the shower as he stretched, completely nude. None of the men were shy, nor cared for false modesty. Besides, Genma was gone and he'd heard Izumo's latest girlfriend storm out last night. He had the place to himself.
Kotetsu washed quickly and decided to go for a run this morning. He'd had to hide in the shadows a lot on this last mission, and some of the places he'd had to sit for hours on end had been in the most uncomfortable positions as he waited for his prey. A run would help work out the kinks.
He opened the door and nearly stepped on a small package. Kotetsu scooped it up, saw it was addressed to Genma and threw it on the futon. He left, not noticing the small package slip between the cushions of the futon.
When Izumo returned with food enough for four people he was smiling. The cafe had a new morning hostess and she was just the cutest, sweetest thing. And he'd seen her first. Wait until he 'marked' her on their board. Wouldn't Kotetsu just be livid!
At first, he and Kotetsu and Genma had had some issues about women. Not that they cared so much, but the women tended to get miffed or even worse, tried to play them off on each other in order to arouse jealousy. So they'd set up a secret board. Each woman was marked as personal territory or available. The board was super secret, or the kunoichis they knew would have their balls on a platter.
The jounin chuckled to himself as he jiggled his keys. So absorbed in his 'victory' in meeting the cafe girl first, he missed the tiny chakra signature nearly at his feet. A small gurgle made him stop and open his arms to look down through the packages he was juggling.
A baby grinned up at him. Shocked, Izumo grinned back before the image registered. His grin faded fast as he looked around, searching, but finding no other chakra signatures other than their normal neighbors. He looked down at the infant again, and this time she raised one tiny fist at him as she cooed.
Izumo quickly unlocked the door and dumped the food containers next to the door before scooping up the baby. He held her awkwardly, not knowing how to do this properly. Her head seemed ...unstable. Her neck wobbled a bit and he hurriedly supported her head as she gifted him with a bubbly smile.
He carried her as if she was an exploding tag about to misfire or something extremely fragile. Looking around, he frowned. Where to put her? Finally he headed to Genma's room. Genma was gone and couldn't protest, that was Izumo's thinking.
Izumo paused as he threw an old towel over Genma's expensive comforter. He looked down at the child and grimaced. It was then that he heard the door open. "Kotetsu?! Get the fuc..." Izumo stopped and eyed the infant. She was too young to undersand. "Get the fuck in here!"
And here he stopped cold as a small female voice shouted cheerfully. "Fuk!"
Izumo backed away from the infant. She hadn't, had she? He backed out to the doorway to keep one eye on the waving infant and to also look in the other room.
Kotetsu looked highly uncomfortable as he watched a whirling tornado of pink. It took his mind a moment to register that it was a child. There were TWO of them?
A hand yanked on his trousers and Izumo looked down into the wide dark eyes of a toddler. The young boy, no more than two, held up his hands and grunted. "What do you want?" Izumo shook his head.
Kotetsu warily eyed the whirling pink tornado and moved a lamp out of her way. "I found them on our doorstep asking for their imouto. But I didn't see any other children."
Izumo pointed into Genma's bedroom. "I think I found their baby sister."
"Imouto! The pink whirlagig stopped spinning and ran past Izumo at lightening speed. "Meimei!" She cooed and tickled the baby.
Apparently the little boy didn't like being ignored. His grunting had grown louder and he was now trying to climb Izumo's leg.
"What are they doing here?" Kotetsu looked a bit shell shocked as he watched Izumo try to disengage the young boy's hands from his trousers. It looked like a losing battle. Each time the jounin got one chubby little hand open, the other reattached itself.
"See Ti-ti!" The pink clad toddler grinned over them. "We see Ti-ti? We see Ti-ti now? We now, yes? See Ti-Ti now!" With each word her little voice climbed alarmingly.
Kotetsu eyed Izumo. Izumo eyed Kotetsu. Neither dared to speak.
"OUCH, son of a bitch!" Izumo jumped as the young boy sunk his baby teeth into his ankle.
The boy, startled and frightened began crying piteously. This only started the baby into whimpering and then into a full out cry. The girl though, was laughing and pointing. "Tomo is a son of bitz!" She started running in circles around Genma's bedroom chanting "Tomo is a son of bitz!"
Kotetsu's eye began to twitch. "Are you their Ti-ti?"
Izumo's eyes hardened as he shook his head and awkwardly tried to pat little Tomo on the head. But the child wouldn't stop wailing, and now both hands were up and making grabby fingers at him. He didn't know what to do and touched the little hands with his own.
Tomo's wail went louder and both men winced. "Damn, that's a high pitched cry for a boy." Kotetsu complained.
The child's hands wrapped around Izumo's fingers and pulled. Without thinking it through, the grown man picked up the child. Now, it was good luck that Tomo knew how to be held since Izumo had no unearthly idea how to hold a toddler.
Kotetsu's eyes widened as he watched Tomo's head go down on Izumo's shoulder as the child wrapped himself around the shinobi. "Seems to know you."
"I am NOT their Ti-ti ...er, father." Izumo snapped, then winced as Tomo wiped his nose against his shirt. "Go quiet the other one."
"Shut it!" Kotetsu snapped at the little girl, who listened not at all.
"Sut it! Sut it!" She giggled and then held out her hands to Kotetsu, who backed away quickly rather than get caught in the same trap as his roommate. "Who you? You know Ti-ti? You know my Ti-ti? Do you, huh? Huh?"
"Answer her." Izumo whined. "It might get her to shut up, at least the baby stopped crying."
Kotetsu looked over at the bed and groaned. "I forgot about that one." He looked down at the little girl, now running around his legs and hitting his knees at each pass. He put one hand on her brown hair and she stopped and looked up at him expectantly. "Who are you and where do you come from?"
The little girl put her thumb in her mouth and shrugged.
Izumo looked down at the little face pressed to his chest. "Are you Tomo?"
Tomo nodded and pointed at Kotetsu. "Who dat?"
"Kotetsu." Izumo told him quietly. "I'm Izumo."
The boy nodded and pointed at the infant on the bed "Meimei." Then he pointed at Izumo. "Zu."
The little girl tugged on Kotetsu's sweaty shirt. "You stink." She giggled and held her nose. "You stink worse 'en imouto." Referring to the infant, calling her 'younger sister'.
"Ko!" Pronounced young Tomo as he pointed at Kotetsu.
"At least the brat didn't call me Ti-ti." Grateful to dodge the title of papa. "Are they lost or dumped here?" Kotetsu pondered aloud.
Izumo shrugged, then stilled as the child in his arms leaned back and studied his face. Little hands patted his cheeks, then poked his nose. "Zu nose."
"Helpful aren't they?" Kotetsu muttered, then looked down at the child he still held captive. "What's your name?"
"Kichi. I Kichi!" The little girl in pink pronounced proudly. "Mama tol us Ti-ti here. Is my Ti-ti here? Where Ti-ti? Huh? Where Ti-ti? Mama said."
Izumo blinked hard and tried to avoid the fingers currently poking at his eyes. "Zu eye! Zu eye!" Tomo grinned widely, expecting praise.
"So. Your father lives here?" Kotetsu paled. "How old are you lot?"
"No, ask her when her mother's coming back!" Izumo insisted. "That's the important question."
Kichi slipped away from Kotetsu and tried to climb onto the futon. "I wanna be tall. I wanna be big!"
At this point little Meimei began whimpering and tuning up again. Izumo winced. "Kotetsu, go get the baby."
"Why me?" Snapped the irritated jounin.
Izumo bounced Tomo on his hip. "I already got one." Tomo let out a squeal and began bouncing in the shinobi's arms. "Shit. I think he liked that." He gave the toddler another bounce, and the kid let out a piercing shriek along with a wide grin.
"Shit!" Kichi pronounced, now atop the futon and beginning to jump up and down. "Shit!"
"Watch your language!" Kotetsu protested as he bent over the infant on Genma's bed. "Their mother will kill us."
Izumo grimaced. "After I kill her for dumping these hellions on us. And why us?"
"Mama says we 'long to Ti-ti now. She went bye-bye." Kichi said as she bounced on the futon and lost her balance slightly, only to recover before actually falling. "Uh oh! I almos' fall, you see? Huh? You see. Kotsu I almos' fall!"
"Kotsu?" Kotetsu shook his head sadly. "Better than Ko I guess. Alright moppet. Get in here. Do you know how to calm your sister?"
Kichi nodded. "I good help. Mama says. Mama says I good help. M..."
"Good. Take care of her." Kotetsu pointed at the baby.
"For heaven's sake." Izumo snapped at his roommate. "She's what, two? Don't be a wimp. Take care of them, at least until we can dump them somewhere."
Kotetsu sighed and poked at the infant, unsure what to do. A tiny hand wrapped around his finger and the baby stopped whimpering and smiled at him.
"Good job." Izumo smirked at his friend's unease.
"I didn't do anything!" Kotetsu whispered, afraid to break the spell and make the infant start up again. The baby frowned and the shinobi made a face. All he needed was for ...the child grinned. He made another face and the baby Meimei cooed at him, waving her tiny feet. "Okay, okay, this isn't hard." He muttered hopefully.
"So. If I'm not the father and you're not the father ...does that make Genma the grand champion?" Izumo peered into Tomo's face as if willing the features to show him the child's parentage. But try as he might, he could see nothing familiar. Tomo met him gaze for gaze and smiled, showing off his white little teeth.
Kotetsu shrugged, still making absurd faces at baby Meimei, hoping to keep her distracted. "He might be. I say we take these kids over to his mother's house and let her deal with them until he comes back."
Izumo frowned, something tickling the back of his mind. With a caught breath he hurried over to his bedroom and picked up a crumpled piece of paper from his trashcan. "Wait, wait. Genma left me a message. Package arriving sometime today. It's important. And keep the package dry, or I'll gut you. Genma. P.S. Don't tell anyone about it and DON'T FORGET!"
"Package?" Protested Kotetsu as he looked up from the baby. "Very funny about keeping them dry."
Izumo shook his head, then smiled a bit as Tomo shook his head too. He shook his head again, and Tomo nearly rocked himself out of his arms as he shook his head in imitation. "Don't tell anyone about it? How can he dump something like this on us without warning? He could be gone at least a week or so on this mission."
Kotetsu groaned. "I guess this means we can't dump these three on anyone until Genma gets back." Then his eyes widened. "Three? Izumo? Where's Kichi?"
Izumo spun around, making Tomo giggle even as the man searched the room with his eyes. "The front door is open." He said, putting down Tomo and running to check outside. He groaned as he spotted Kichi hanging against the railing and trying to climb her way up. He scooped her up, then swept one hand down in time to catch Tomo as the toddler made a break for it.
He carried both children awkwardly inside and this time locked the door. "Damn. They can open doors."
"Dam! Ooooo! You say bad word! Mama said no say dam. Bad word, you bad man. Go sit in corner." Kichi looked wide-eyed at Izumo.
Kotetsu choked back his laugh since the munchkin had been repeating bad words since she got there, and damn was probably the least offensive one. "So, what's the game plan?"
Izumo shook his head and frowned, watching as Kichi and Tomo went off to explore the apartment. "We can't betray Genma by turning them in to whomever. We'll have to wait."
Kotetsu nodded. Then wrinkled his nose and stared down at the infant still clutching his finger. "I think the baby just crapped."
Izumo swept up Tomo and Kichi and ran toward the kitchen. "I'm feeding these two, you take care of it."
See? Not a complete rip off of THREE MEN AND A BABY. Barely. LOL
REVIEW please, even if it's a flame ...