The Wrong Bottle
Jimmy was sitting on the couch watching Gilmore Girls and Chazz was sprawled out beside him, looking bored, with his foot elevated on the table.
"Ow, ow, ow" Chazz groaned, loudly.
"What's wrong?" Jimmy asked, not taking his eyes off the television.
"My ankle. It's hurting again."
Jimmy sighed. Chazz may call Jimmy a girl sometimes, but Chazz was the one who was always being such a baby about pain. His ankle was nearly healed and he didn't complain quite as much, but he still wasn't above a little whining. "Just try to ignore it," Jimmy told him.
"Ah … okay, man," he said, wincing. They went back to watching the show, but a few minutes later, Chazz was at it again.
"Ah! Oh … oh God. It's hurting so bad," Chazz moaned, throwing his head back dramatically.
"Then go take some of the pain pills that the doctor gave you," Jimmy suggested, irritably. He hated to say it, since he was a little afraid that Chazz was becoming addicted to pain pills, but if his friend was in so much pain, then it was probably necessary.
"O – okay," Chazz breathed out, making a face. He stood up hobbled toward the bathroom.
"Do you need help?" Jimmy asked.
"No, no," Chazz said, limping. "I can make it."
Jimmy shrugged and went back to watching his show. After a minute or two, Chazz came back into the room, looking satisfied with himself, his pain apparently forgotten, and he plopped down beside Jimmy. Chazz wasn't a big fan of Gilmore Girls and after a while he started tapping his good foot and squirming. Jimmy tried to ignore him. Chazz leaned back and looked supremely bored. After a moment, Jimmy felt something wet and sticky touching his head.
"Gross!" he said loudly, realizing that Chazz had licked his hand and touched Jimmy's hair. He shrugged Chazz off and ran into the bathroom as his partner snickered. Jimmy lapped a couple of handfuls of water onto his head, reminding himself to wash his hair vigorously later tonight. Chazz could be so disgusting, sometimes. And immature.
He was about to leave to go back into the living room and scold Chazz when he noticed that Chazz's pain medication was still lying, opened, on the counter. Jimmy sighed and picked up the bottle, looking for the lid. Chazz should really do better about putting up his things. The man would as soon live in a pigsty as a cabin. He found the lid, but as he was about to screw it on, Jimmy noticed the label that was on the bottle. He gasped and nearly dropped it. This was not good. It was really not good. Jimmy began to feel panicky.
He ran back into the living room. "Chazz," he said, trying to keep his voice calm, but failing utterly. "Is this the medication that you took a minute ago?"
Chazz squinted at the bottle. "Yeah, I guess. I wasn't really paying any attention. Horrible pain, remember. Why?"
"This isn't pain medication," Jimmy said, the pitch of his voice rising. "It's Viagra."
"It's … oh. Oh SHIT!" Chazz yelled. He grabbed the bottle from Jimmy's hand. "It can't be Viagra. What was Viagra doing in the medicine cabinet anyway? Have trouble getting it up, MacElroy?"
"It wasn't mine." Jimmy protested. "It must be Coach's." He thought about this for a moment. "Ew."
"I'm a sex addict," Chazz said, as if Jimmy needed any reminding. "Giving me Viagra with no chance to have sex is like starving a fat person."
"Look," Jimmy said, trying to ignore that last sentence. "I'm sure that you can just ignore it if you try hard enough. You need to learn to control your body. That's what my dad used to tell me."
Chazz gave him a look. "Your dad was messed up, man," he said. "And I can't ignore it. I took six pills."
"Six?" Jimmy asked. "Why the hell did you take six?"
"My ankle really hurt," Chazz whined.
"Okay, okay," Jimmy said, taking a deep breath. "We just need to calm down. Do you … um, feel anything yet?"
"No, not yet," Chazz emphasized.
"Okay," Jimmy said, breathing a sigh of relief. Chazz was way too obsessed with sex anyway. Seeing him on Viagra could be truly scary. "Well, I think that we should just watch TV and not panic until something happens."
"Yeah … yeah, I'm sure you're right," Chazz said. He looked at the television. "But, um, maybe you should change the channel. Those chicks are kind of hot."
Jimmy looked at the screen and saw that Gilmore Girls was still on. "I guess you're right," he sighed. This was one of his favorite shows. But he didn't want Chazz becoming too aroused. Jimmy picked up the remote and switched the channel to CNN. They both sat back down and began watching television again.
Jimmy was becoming absorbed in a moderately interesting discussion of foreign policy when he noticed that Chazz was breathing sort of heavily. He looked over and saw that Chazz's face was flushed and he was sporting an erection that was very visible through his track pants.
"Chazz!" Jimmy screamed, turning his face away from Chazz and hiding his eyes.
"What?" Chazz asked. "I can't help it. I told you – I took just took six Viagra. You don't need to act like I've molested you or something."
Jimmy continued to not look at him and Chazz, in an unusual show of modesty, covered himself with a jacket. "It's your fault," Chazz grunted. "I told you not to put the TV on hot chicks. There's a hot woman this channel!"
Jimmy looked at the screen. "That's Condoleeza Rice!"
"Condo-sleaza," Chazz said in a low voice, licking his lips.
"Gross. She's our Secretary of State."
"So?" Chazz asked. "What, you've never looked at a politician? Come on, Jimmy, who's hotter, Bush or Nixon?"
Jimmy gaped at him. "Okay, first of all Nixon?"
"Doesn't float your boat?"
"He's dead, and just … Nixon?"
"He was the only other president I could think of," Chazz said, defensively. "Well, besides Ape Lincoln."
Ape Lincoln. "God, you're stupid," Jimmy muttered. "And secondly, I'm not gay."
Chazz rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, I forgot, you're 'not' gay, princess." He made air quotes signs with his fingers when he said the word "not".
"I'm not!" Jimmy objected, loudly. "Remember Katie? My girlfriend?"
"You mean, Katie, the only woman you've showed even the slightest bit of interest in since I've known you?"
"Just because I don't make a pass at every woman I meet does not mean I'm gay."
"Whatever," Chazz said, dropping the argument. They both went back to watching TV, but Jimmy found it hard to concentrate on the program. Just when he had begun to relax, he looked over to find Chazz looking intensely. Then he noticed that Chazz had his hand down his pants.
"Oh my GOD!" Jimmy said. "Chazz! Stop that!"
"Welcome to the real world, MacElroy," Chazz said between heavy breaths. "The one where grown men actually masturbate."
"That's – that's disgusting!" Jimmy screeched, disturbed beyond all reckoning. "Can't you at least go into the bathroom or something, instead of doing that right in front of me?"
Chazz grinned. "I guess." He got up and walked into the bathroom. Jimmy tried to avoid looking at him.
Jimmy tried to go back to watching TV, but he couldn't concentrate. Why did Chazz always have to be so strange? After a few minutes, Chazz came back into the room again, looking considerably calmer than Jimmy would have expected.
"Did you – ah, do it?" Jimmy asked.
"What do you care?" Chazz said, sitting down.
"I just don't want you trying anything again."
"Oh," Chazz said, after thinking for a moment. He smiled. "Yeah, I did it."
Once again, Jimmy went back to watching television, scooting as far away from Chazz as possible. Naturally, Chazz soon started bothering him again. He felt Chazz's thumb on the back of his neck and tensed up. Chazz had become very comfortable with touching him since they had started skating together. Usually, Jimmy didn't mind, but at the moment it was making him a little uncomfortable. He moved slightly to signal Chazz to stop, but Chazz didn't seem to notice.
Chazz began messaging his neck. It felt good – really good, actually. Jimmy didn't understand how someone who so disgusted him only a moment ago could make him feel so good right now. Chazz's other hand moved to Jimmy's shirt collar and then to the top button of his shirt. He undid three buttons before Jimmy realized what was happening.
"Chazz," he said, wearily.
"Come on, Jimmy," Chazz said, his mouth crooking into a smile. "Let me see your boobies."
Jimmy pulled away a bit. "I don't have 'boobies', idiot. I'm not a girl."
"I know, I know," Chazz said and continued to unbutton his shirt.
"In fact, I have a girlfriend. Katie. Katie," he said her name again.
"Now she has some nice boobs," Chazz said. Jimmy glared at him. Chazz put his hand on the inside of Jimmy's shirt and touched bare flesh. Jimmy started, realizing how far he had let this go.
"Chazz, Chazz," he said, more gentle than earlier, "stop it." He pulled away.
Chazz turned away from him and sighed loudly. Jimmy noticed that he had an erection … again.
"I – I, um, thought that you took care of that," Jimmy said, motioning. "Maybe you should go to the hospital. The commercials always say that if you have an erection lasting more than four hours …"
It took a moment for Chazz to realize what he was talking about. "It hasn't been nearly four hours. And you are really obsessed with my dick today, Jimmy," he said. "Something you want to tell me?" He reached out to touch Jimmy again, but Jimmy jerked away from him. "Come on," Chazz groaned. "I am so flustrated. Help a man out."
"You can't be 'flustrated'," Jimmy said, irritably. "You can be frustrated or flustered, but you can't be flustrated."
"I can be flustrated if I damn well please."
Jimmy sighed. "I can't believe that you are … worked up … again."
"Six Viagra, Jimmy. How many times do I have to remind you?"
"And that's the only reason that you want to mess around. You'd regret it."
"I wouldn't regret it," Chazz muttered. "Come on, you'll like it, I promise."
"It's not cheating on Katie," Chazz scoffed. "I'm a dude. You're just helping your buddy out in his time of need."
Jimmy thought about this. Maybe Chazz was right. After all, Chazz had helped him out with stuff. Most of all, though, Chazz had set him to thinking of what it would be like to kiss his friend, to feel Chazz's rough stubble against his face, to have Chazz touch him everywhere. Well, he thought smiling a bit and thinking of skating practice, maybe he already knew what that last one felt like.
"Well … okay," Jimmy said.
"Really?" Chazz asked, as if he hadn't expected Jimmy to agree.
"Really." They sat looking awkwardly at one another as if unsure of what to do. "Do you, um, really want me to take off my shirt?" Jimmy asked.
"Yeah," Chazz said, breathing deeply. Jimmy shrugged out of his shirt. Chazz didn't immediately start groping him as Jimmy had expected, but sat, looking at him, for long moments. Jimmy felt incredibly self-conscious. Of course when Chazz looked at him, he would realize that he really wanted something with boobs and he would see what a bad idea this was.
"This is stupid," Jimmy said, grabbing his shirt.
"No," Chazz said, quietly, stalling Jimmy. He seemed to sense Jimmy's fears. "It's okay … you're hot." He said and he reached out and put his hands on Jimmy. It was all Jimmy could do to keep from moaning like a wanton sex addict.
"Five minutes ago you thought that Condoleeza Rice was hot," Jimmy said, giving a nervous laugh.
"She is hot," Chazz said. "But you're way hotter." He kissed Jimmy hard on the mouth and Jimmy gasped. He hadn't thought that there would be kissing. "God, you're so hot," Chazz whispered in his ear breathily after breaking the kiss.
--- -- ---
"I have a confession to make," Jimmy said quietly, afterwards.
"Why would you make crappy arena food?"
"What? No, not a concession, a confession, you idiot."
"Oh," Chazz said, smiling in a way that made Jimmy wonder if he had been teasing him. "Shoot, then."
"I really enjoyed that. I mean, I think I enjoyed that more than I should have."
Chazz leaned back and grinned broadly. "I knew that you would. You just needed a little seducing. Someone to give you an excuse."
"Oh," Jimmy muttered. He suddenly felt bad. The experience had been incredible for Jimmy, but Chazz had only used him for sex because he had taken so much Viagra. And what did this mean for his feelings for Katie?
Chazz drew him in for a somewhat aggressive hug. If a hug could be aggressive. "I have a confession to make too," he said.
Jimmy looked at him. "What?"
"I didn't really take Viagra."