Disclaimer: I do not own "Supernatural." Those boys own me though. : P

Author's Note: Hi all! I re-watched "In My Time of Dying" today and took a quick stab at some John introspection during his bedside scene with comatose Dean. Much thankies to Lembas7. : )

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!

At the time, it seemed like a good idea. It would somehow make this better, not right, just better. It was all he could hope for, really. Ravaged by flames, consumed by a truth he never wanted to know, his world would never be right again. But it could be better.

It had seemed like a good idea. A purpose, a reason. A pinprick of conscious had told him he already had a reason—two reasons.

He'd ignored the pinprick by resuming physical and weapons training. Re-learning what the Marines had taught him. Walling off the part of him Mary had opened up and then gutted out.

The room was noiseless, the monitors hushed, the figure on the bed much too still. It had seemed like a brilliant idea. Get retribution, avenge her. Because if anyone deserved to be avenged it was his fun and sweet, spirited wife.

There was nothing to say, not now-- too late for words.

He had done everything John had ever asked of him, had given everything John had ever needed him to. Carried arms too big, too heavy for a child; carried them too long.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea. It would ensure his boy would never be caught off guard. It would make their world safer—not right. Never right again, but safer. It could be safer.

It had seemed like a good idea. A direction, a goal;a pinprick of conscious had told him he already had a goal— making a home for his boys.

He'd buried the pinprick under empty promises and hollowed out directives— fashioned a soldier, made him deadly; taught him to fight, to protect; so he would live.

The almost inaudible whir of the ventilator seemed louder suddenly.

He had asked too much of this boy, taken too much—not given enough.

It wasn't even a choice to make. He would give now.

It was a good idea. Trade; save him. Because if anyone deserved to be saved, it was his strong and brave, little boy. A pinprick of conscious told him it might break his little boy when he found out, told him Dean wouldn't want this.

He silenced the pinprick with the knowledge that it wasn't a choice— he was not the kind of father that would sit here and watch his son die.

It was a brilliant idea.