Disclaimer: Sadly, I am not named J.K. Rowling, and I'm not endowed with her wonderful writing ability. I also own none of these characters, for I am only Dobby's Imaginary Sock.
So it's been a while since I've touched this fic… seeing as I started this in eighth grade and my writing skills have (hopefully) improved, I think it's about time I gave this a rewrite. Plus, when I was sitting in lecture one day I realized this story isn't exactly a comedy. XD It has its funny moments, but not enough to be called humor. This is a somewhat AU take on the Wizarding World History as we know it. The plan is to take it through at least the last book. I hope you enjoy!
Lo, the Story Beginneth
A Really, Really, Really Long Time Ago…
The Sorting Hat bounced haphazardly on top of Godric Gryffindor's head as they rode through some unknown dense forest.. He stared glumly around at his surroundings: trees, dirt, trees, horsehair, trees, bushes, and of course more trees. The Sorting Hat hated trees. They were so dull. Every day of this blooming week they had been riding to, well, somewhere, and he had nothing to look at besides these stationary life forms. Exactly where they were going was still a mystery. Godric probably wouldn't tell him. What did he care what a hat thinks?
All he could do is wait and watch the cursed trees around him: trees, roots, trees, gryphon, tre…
Gryphon! There were no gryphons around the hollow. Then again, they were probably nowhere near the hollow. "My lord, Godric. Shouldeth you not slay that beast in your wake. Or doth mine eyes decieveth me of that foul creature. Surely you have the fiend seeth?" the Sorting Hat questioned.
"Aye, I hath seen the animal. This creature of wonder is only a sentry," Godric Gryffindor proclaimed. "We have finally arrived!"
"My lord," the Sorting Hat questioned, "Exactly whereth hath we cometh?" He was dreading the answer. Nothing good could come from a place guarded by dragons. The Sorting Hat, though, should not have been surprised by Godric choosing to come here. Danger was practically the man's middle name. "This hath better not be another excursioneth for the Great Queen Maeve. The last time that horrible poisoneth hath thine life nearly takeneth, if not for account of Lady Rowena, Lady Helga, and Lord Salazar. I'm not sureth that they be so willingeth to save thine life for the thousandeth time."
Godric had proven to be quite daring thus far in life, which at some times was not the best attribute. He was still quite young- only about 25- yet he traveled this way and that risking his life for the sake of others. The Sorting Hat wondered if Godric cared what others would think if they lost him so soon.
"Sadly, this is about the Great Queen Maeve. She hath recently passed, leaving unaccounted young students in her school on the Green Isles. At the present time we hath no way to protect these young souls from the evil name of the Sorcerer of Darkness Mordred. Lo, I must see Lady Rowena," proclaimed Godric Gryffindor with a hint of tragedy. So they were at the family home of the House of Ravenclaw. At least he now knew where they were going. The Sorting Hat could almost sense a hint of urgency in Godric's voice as he called out his intentions to the sentry, but had no time to muse it for the gryphon stepped out of the path and Godric Gryffindor continued his nauseous ride.
"Tis a pleasure to see you in better health, Lord Godric," Rowena Ravenclaw commented as they walked through the passageways of the castle lit by several torches. The torches looked a lot like transfigured gnomes in the Sorting Hat's opinion. Godric and Rowena's robes brushed lightly on the dark stone floor as they briskly walked through secret passageways, casting long shadows on the wall. "Although the business that hath brought you here fares foul weather."
"Alas," Godric sighed pushing his long golden locks out of his face, "twas beknownst to all of us that this time would come. Queen Maeve was great, yet not beyond the clutches of death."
"Lady Helga hath feared the worst for you. We expected your arrival at today's sunrise," Rowena said glancing back with her bright blue eyes at Godric to make sure he wouldn't start spontaneously bleeding. Her face showed some concern for her friend, as he had not been fairing well lately. Fighting the "Dark Ones," which was what Mordred called his followers, was not easy. Of course, Godric could make it easier on himself by wearing a cloak that was not bright red.
"Twas no danger on my journey," Godric laughed tossing his head back. "I hath not one soul seeth with only my hat for my spirit raiseth."
However, the Sorting Hat was too preoccupied with looking at its shadow. Was he really that fat? No matter, he would not have to listen to Lord Godric and Lady Rowena chit-chat any longer to his relief.
They entered a large dark room with a long oak table at the end. Two more people sat at the end of the hall and peered through the gloom at Rowena and Godric. Of course, thought the Sorting Hat, they forgot about poor Godric's hat. They did not even offer up a greeting. All four of them knew he could think and talk, but no, they'd just ignore the hat. As if the hat would care.
"Tis that you, Lord Godric?" inquired Helga Hufflepuff gazing through the darkness with her soft brown eyes. "Mine eyes fail to see thou through this shadowy black that covers this hall."
Rowena pointed her wand towards the ceiling and an array of sparks shot out. The ceiling turned into the view of the sky above and lit the magnificent room with sunlight. All four of the friends squinted as their eyes adjusted to the light.
"Twas not beknownst to me that you find glee in the destruction of your home, Lady Rowena," stated Salazar Slytherin raising a black-gloved hand to shield his cold, sinister pits of eyes. His gloves blended in with his midnight hair and stood out against his ghostly skin and acid green robes. He could use a trip to the outside world, noted the Sorting Hat. The man did not seem to notice that his foreboding appearance only hindered his social interactions. He was lucky he even had any friends at all.
"Tis only an enchantment, Lord Salazar," affirmed Rowena her pale face illuminated as she marveled at her work. She appeared younger than Godric and Salazar, yet definitely older than Helga who was the youngest of the lot. "Now this hall shall forever hath light."
"Enough of this nonsense," pronounced Godric joining Helga and Salazar at the table, "We hath important business that requires attention." Godric, like always, showed he was obviously the leader of the group no matter how rash his decisions could be. "First off, what should be done about the students of the late Great Queen Maeve?" They all bowed their heads in acknowledgement of their late mentor.
Meanwhile in a Dorm Centuries Later…
"Hey, let's open a freaking wizard school!" exclaimed the Helga Hufflepuff Sock Puppet. The puppet had been shouting so violently that one of the brown-button eyes fell off.
"Sirius! Shut up! You're messing up the story!" yelled the Godric Gryffindor puppet.
"Guys," said the Rowena Ravenclaw puppet, "I'm pretty sure that people did not talk like that back then. And James, why do I have to be a girl? Plus, Ravenclaw was not blue! Also, why does Salazar Slytherin have holes in him?"
"Because Slytherin sucks-eth, Remus," proclaimed the Gryffindor puppet.
"Why do I hath to be Slytherin then-eth?" asked a very squeaky Salazar.
"'Twas the only one left-eth when you came back-eth, Peter," finished Hufflepuff.
Back to a Really, Really, Really Long Time Ago…
"The poor dears," sighed Helga Hufflepuff, her red locks drooping into her sorrowful face. "All alone up there without any protection, any guidance… Something must be done."
"The Dark Ones shall flock there as crows to a kill. The students will not be able to hold on to the castle for a long duration. All shall be slaughtered for resisting…" droned on Salazar while his dead eyes locked onto those at the table.
"Lord Salazar!" cried out Helga, "How can thou say such a thing! Certainly all those pupils shall not meet their doom in such a way!" Her eyes widened in terror as the thought of all those students came to her.
Rowena's knuckles were white from her clenching them so hard for the extent of Salazar's speech. Her face stood out against her raven hair from turning so pale during Salazar's speech. The Sorting Hat rolled his eyes. Salazar had always been rather morbid. He said that they were going to die when they became trapped in Helga's flaming manor which the Muggles had taken to calling "Stone Hedge", but they had escaped that mess. When Godric had come back from his last mission, Salazar had said that those days would surely be Godric's last. Godric then threw a stunner at his friend, saying he wasn't dead yet. The only time he had been right was in the case of the Great Queen Maeve (may she rest in peace). That guy really needed a vacation.
"None of the Dark Ones shall pass through those walls as long as that is where the students reside," said Godric furiously while his normally glass green eyes had a fire of vehemence in them. He stood up, banging his fist on the table. The sound echoed off the silent halls. "There must be a way to protect the students."
"The Dark Ones shall hath heard of the death of Great Queen Maeve by now," sneered Salazar standing up facing Godric. "No magic could guarantee the students' protection. The Dark Ones have magic that surpass my own skills."
"The Dark Ones only know evil magic," spat Godric, "The four of us combined hath enough skills to withstand them, unless there is something thou wish to say, Lord Salazar." Salazar and Godric were always bantering. The Sorting Hat knew this must be some sort of love hate relationship; otherwise one of them would probably be missing a head. Today, however, was much more serious than other arguments. Godric looked like he might actually launch himself across the table at Salazar, and Salazar's was slowly reaching for his wand…
"No more of this arguing," announced Helga joining the men in standing. "The students are what we are concerned about. Forget your dissimilarities for their sake, please."
"Then what can be done besides to protect them?" pondered Rowena Ravenclaw. "As Salazar said it would be difficult to hold their current position. There must be something else we can doeth."
"They shall leave the school," proclaimed Godric standing up with hope radiating from his face.
"That would be terribly risky, Lord Godric. Who would lead them?" asked Helga, concern glowing from her eyes. She was not as bold as Godric, cunning as Salazar, or witty as Rowena; but she cared a lot more for the students in general than the other three, reflected the Sorting Hat. Only she could hold together the group as a whole since they were all so different.
"We shall, of course," declared Godric, a gleam of adventure shining from him in all the sunlight's glory. Wait, thought the Sorting Hat as Godric's words caught up with his brain: we were!
"My lord," croaked the Sorting Hat since he had not spoken since late morning, "who do you meaneth by 'we.'" For some reason he did not want to know.
"You and I my hat," asserted Godric, "and Ladies Rowena and Helga and Lord Salazar too if they wish to cometh." Fantastic, brooded the Sorting Hat, another life risking adventure where someone would probably end up wounded in some grievous way. Ew, he grimaced, he was starting to sound like Salazar.
"I will cometh," announced Rowena calmly.
"I as well," decreed Helga merriment bouncing in her face.
"Even if we succeed in sneaking into the school and smuggling all the students out," uttered Salazar, "to where do we lead them?" The four in the room thought in silence for a while. Great, a riddle, mused the Sorting Hat. This was Rowena's line of expertise.
Back in the Dorm…
"They can stay-eth with me!" shrieked the Helga Hufflepuff puppet, losing the other eye. "Then the evil house-eth of Black shallt flee and we can eat-eth Kreacher for dinner!"
"Sirius!" shouted the Ravenclaw sock, "That's gross! And it's my line, not yours!"
"Shut-eth up both of you!" hollered the Godric Gryffindor puppet in a hoarse voice. "We need to continue-eth with this show. Otherwise, Sirius's dream willt really happen-eth."
"I can't believe," groaned the Rowena puppet, "that you two really think the school's going to fall down if we don't do a sock puppet show about how the founders founded Hogwarts."
"But it's true-eth!" gasped the Hufflepuff sock moving towards the Ravenclaw sock. The Hufflepuff sock started wacking and biting the Ravenclaw sock. The Gryffindor sock dived into the Battle of Sockswarts.
"Oh…" muttered the Slytherin puppet as the door swung open, "Hello-eth, Lily. Hi Professor McGonagall."
The three socks stopped fighting. The Gryffindor puppet slapped its puppeteer's head.
Returning yet again to a Really, Really, Really Long Time Ago…
"They shall cometh here," decided Rowena, "This castle is large enough to accommodate all of us."
"Will they not be boredeth?" interrogated Helga turning to Rowena. Rowena began to think quickly; she had never ever increasingly forever eternally been outsmarted yet. And Helga was not going to change that, ever.
"We shall educate them just like the Great Queen Maeve did," said Rowena confidently.
Salazar rolled his eyes. Rowena was always going on and on about books and education. He was of the opinion that books were definitely not good for women. (A/N: Insert Professor McGonagall slapping Salazar here.)
"This is hogwash," grumbled Salazar angrily.
"You mean 'Hogwarts,'" decreed Godric with a look that decreed nobody could have come up with a better name. Salazar cracked a rare smile.
"Excuseth me my lord, but Hogwarts? What shallt people thinketh of a school by the name of 'Hogwarts?' What kindeth of a name is that," complained the Sorting Hat. The four, well, 'founders' laughed at the Sorting Hat and thought it was a brilliant name.
Returning for the Last Time to that Dorm…really, really…
"And that," concluded James, "is why our school is called Hogwarts." The four boys smiled up at Professor McGonagall and Lily. McGonagall did not look satisfied.
"That is a very interesting story, Mr. Potter," she said with her lips in a tight line, "Yet, it still does not explain why you were making such a racket."
Sirius butted in saying, "It was urgent, Professor. I mean, you didn't want the school to fall down. We could get hurt!"
"No offense, Sirius, but you being hurt is probably on the bottom of her list of concerns," said Remus in a matter of fact like tone.
"Ooh," teased Peter, "Sirius got burned." Everyone turned and gaped at Peter.
"Peter," gasped James, "don't you ever say that again. It scared me." Peter blushed and backed up into the corner.
"Then, if you guys are so sure about your story," spoke Lily rather haughtily, "why don't you enlighten the rest of the school with it?" Remus, James, and Peter looked horrified at the prospect of sharing their puppet show with the rest of Hogwarts, but Sirius looked delighted.
"Of course!" he exclaimed while sowing his puppet's eyes back on, "And then we can tell them the rest of the Sorting Hat's story…"
Sixty Years After the Founding of Hogwarts, Which Was a Really, Really, Really Long Time Ago…
Godric, Rowena, and Helga slowly and stiffly walked into the office in the tallest tower of the school. Salazar had just stormed out the front door after one of his and Godric's more frequent arguments. They presumed that he would not return again. Rowena looked at her reflection in the window. She had changed so much over the years. Gray streaks now ran through her once brown hair: she was old. They all were old. She could no longer repress that dark fear that haunted her more recent dreams.
"What is to become of our students after we are gone?" she asked the silent room.
Helga looked up with tears in her eyes. She had failed in keeping them all together. What was the use of her now? Would she just wither away in her sorrow? And Rowena had just addressed one of their worst fears. They could not let what happened at the passing of Great Queen Maeve (may she rest in peace) occur again.
"The people who follow in our stead shall need guidance," Rowena announced, gazing at her remaining companions. "Something strong to holdeth them together; a reminder to them that it is their task to accomplisheth what we broketh in our ignorance."
The Sorting Hat slept peacefully on Godric's head. Well, as peacefully as a hat can sleep. The most annoying thing about being a hat was the constant bobbing motion of everyday life. It was like being a buoy: only on someone's head. Suddenly, he was plucked off of Godric's head.
"We cannot live to the end of time, but my hat can complete this task," answered Godric firmly. "He hath our knowledge, our loyalty, our bravery, our…cunningness. Lo, now I part with my hat for the good of all." There was a little look of pain in his eyes at the mention of Salazar and his cunningness. They had been like brothers at one time. Now they would never reconcile.
Still over dramatic, wasn't he, the Sorting Hat thought. You would think that after all these years…
Wait! Godric was leaving him here all alone with dusty objects and tomes. "My lord!" exclaimed the Sorting Hat forgetting the entire grudge he sometimes held against Godric, "You do not meaneth to leave me here! Tis a man anything withouteth his hat?"
"Nay, my hat," said Godric standing up and heading towards the door after Rowena and Helga, "I now travel a road on which you cannot follow. Here is where you must reside."
"Now, leteth us not be hasty," cried the Sorting Hat. "I still am youngeth! Do not leaveth me here!"
Rowena and Helga smiled sadly at the hat and then swept out of the room. Godric pulled on his red traveling cloak, the one he always wore, and waved at the Sorting Hat before sauntering out the door.
"Fare thee well, my hat. Fare thee well," called out Godric as he disappeared from Hogwarts forever.
"My goodness, my lord. You cannot leaveth me here!" the Sorting Hat sobbed out in anguish. "Cometh back here you bigeth lethargic pansy! Whateth the-"
Alright, that's the end of the first chapter edited. As I said in the original authors note I'd like to focus on characters that normally are not featured in the books like the Founders, some of the professors, old people, Harry's peers. I had to stick the Marauders in, though. They're kind of Dobby's Socks' original love. Oh Prongs and Evans… Please review so that I know what you think about the rewrite. Was it better or did I totally botch it?