A/N: Most of you whom follow my writings know that I do not dwell into the humor regions of the world. I prefer angst, heartbreak, and tragedy. Well, here is a muse I've been fighting for about twelve hours now, and I must write this. It is a nice little Edge-centric fic. I am a huge Edgehead. In this fic, Edge will be revealing his true thoughts on all the Superstars, IN CHARACTER. Edge is IN CHARACTER for this piece. Happy readings. Today is Guy Fawkes Day.
These are none of my true feelings about these Superstars. It is just something Edge would say, meant purely for enjoyment.
What sort of idiot would let me sit down and talk about every single Superstar on the WWE roster? This can only make my image of a badass look better, you scum. Who shall my first victim be? Oh, you want me to say John Cena, don't you? The man who can do no wrong, Super Cena! Well, I am not yet giving you the pleasure of reading my true thoughts on John Cena just yet.
I'm going to make my first victim another one of your little childhood favorites, Rey Mysterio.
Why do you little jerks insist on liking him? I mean, come on. He's about the size of a five year old, so I guess that makes sense. I guess you kids like watching someone your size get killed each and every week. I love seeing the faces of the kids when Rey Mysterio gets put in Khali's vice grip. It's hilarious! The kids pound on the ground, and they actually think he's going to get out of it. I think that's great entertainment, at least for me. Kids, you need to learn that there's no such thing as a damn hero. No one's going to fly out wearing a little cape or anything and kill the monsters in your closet. If there's no one wearing a cape, do you honestly think that a little rat in a mask is going to slay the dragon Khali? How about not. I'm teaching you kids a valuable lesson, here. There is no such thing as a hero. They bad guys always win.
And if there are any five year olds out here reading this, there's no Santa Clause, either.
Do you understand why guys like me enjoy fighting noobs like Rey Mysterio? It's because he's small. You might think he's the underdog going into the match, which is true. He uses his size to gain the sympathy of you ass clowns. He uses that overdone underdog story to make you think he's going to pull through. Wake up call, he's not.
The reason I love to fight Rey is that it's so easy to put moves on him. Kids think that because he's small, he's going to be faster. Let me pose this question to you: Which is going to hit you faster and harder, a Spear or the lame 619? How about we try that theory on one of you little jerk offs and see how powerful you think Rey Mysterio is then. Truth is, he's not that fast. To make matter easier for guys like me, it's so much easier to put the big boot in his face. I don't have to lift my foot as high. It hurts him and it doesn't make me work as hard. The easier it is for me to beat the crap out a loser, the happier I am.
How the hell did he win the Royal Rumble? That's ridiculous. Thanks, Randy Orton. You just gave all the kids another excuse to think that Rey is the greatest underdog in history. Jackass.
And don't get me started on his little World Heavyweight Championship reign at Wrestlemania 22. Are you kidding me? It's another example of how he uses pity in his favor. He lost his championship match opportunity to Randy Orton. Teddy Long felt sorry for the jerk, so he tossed him in the match. I still can't believe he won. He needed Randy Orton and Kurt Angle to beat each other up so he could score the victory. He does not deserve to hold my title on the grandest stage of them all.
That jerk isn't even a heavyweight! He shouldn't even be allowed to compete for that title. What does he weigh, like 150? That's ridiculous. That kid's gold is the Cruiserweight title, not my World Heavyweight Championship. It disgusts me that I've held the same championship as Rey. He should just go back to the Cruiserweight division where he belongs.
Here he is, again, putting false ideas into the heads of young kids everywhere. He's telling kids that jerks their size can come out and compete with the big boys. Hey, if any five year old challenged me like that, I'd certainly teach them a lesson.
The bottom line is that Rey Mysterio sucks. He will never be up to the caliber like the ol' Edgemeister here. One of these days, my big boot is going to knock his damn face off.
A/N: Okay, so when you review, tell me who you want Edge to bash next. Don't say John Cena. I'm saving him for last. And don't fret, he will bash the bad guys, too. Next chapter for sure: Ol' Tripsy.