Hello! Um, I'm just putting a comment here in case you want to read it before you delve into the story. Just wanted to say thank you very much for reading! And you don't have to comment, but please, if it could be better or you find it completely tasteless or there's a blatant error that just makes you wanna shoot me in the face then please leave a comment or message so I can correct it ... and not get shot in the face. A comment saying you liked to is also greatly appreciated!!! Amazingly appreciated, in fact. Enough comments and I would make a shrine! Well, thank you SO, SOO much for reading, or even just CONSIDERING reading! It means a lot that you would spend your valued time here! All that we hope is that this made you smile or brightened your day in some way, shape, or form.
Ichigo sighed and looked out from the doorway of his high school: another fan-freaking-tastic day. He groaned and started walking towards home. Every day after school he had been trying so hard to stay there and help, or if that wasn't a possibility, then he'd immediately rush out whenever a Hollow was sighted. Today was one of those days when the teachers accepted this crazy notion into their heads that they had lives. Therefore, all students were pushed off of the premises. At least, that's what Ichigo thought of today. Others called it "Friday." But, back to Hollows. One time he may have mistaken the neighbor's cat for a Hollow, but there's no harm in being prepared, right?
"UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE!" he roared at the sky.
"Ichigo?" a deep tenor said from behind him. Ichigo whipped around.
"Ch-Chad!" How'd he miss him there? He's how tall, like, what, 9' 10"?
"Are you feeling alright?" Chad asked. Ichigo guessed that from behind that head of messy hair, Chad's eyes were analyzing him.
"U-Um…just some stress and stuff. You know how it is." Ichigo said awkwardly. He rubbed the back of his head. He didn't need his best friend thinking he was psychotic!
"I suppose." Chad said simply. When Ichigo didn't respond, Chad took it upon himself to try and continue the conversation. "Would you like to talk about it?" Now, Chad didn't like to talk about things, and he knew Ichigo really didn't either. He just thought he'd check, for safety's sake. He hadn't wanted to open up a floodgate! I think we should all feel sorry for Chad: Poor, poor, naïve Chad. Who, we all should remember, had to dress up like a pixie. (He still isn't walking right.)
"That lazy bum is being ridiculous! He never does anything! Poor Rukia is still out all around Japan taking care of Hollows, and I have to deal with the Retard Renji! I should be out helping her! Not to mention Kon is being a pervert. Every time I try to go to bed, I have to throw a stuffed lion and a porn magazine out of my room! You know how traumatizing that is?" Ichigo screeched.
"Um … that sounds hard Ichigo. I'm sorry." This was why Chad was glad he kept his hair long. His voice never really betrayed any emotion, but his eyes always gave him away. Now, his voice was saying: "Terribly sorry, and my deepest condolences. Do you want an aspirin?" His eyes were saying: "What the fuck? Of course I don't fucking know how in the fucking hell that might fucking be!" Chad warily shifted his weight from foot to foot. He didn't know what would set Ichigo off right now.
"And I am so sorry about Halloween, Chad! Really I am! That jackass, I still haven't forgiven him! I mean honestly! Who does that to people? He's like a sick, demented monkey! With tattoos! A sick, demented, tattooed monkey … with a toe fetish!" Ichigo finished angrily, dignity forgotten, shaking his fist at nothing in particular, though it was in the general direction of Uryuu's house, Chad noticed. Yes, the Quincy had been awfully quiet, well more so than normal (so practically a mute), since the Incident, Chad mused. And he hadn't really minded Halloween. Maybe it was because he was extremely secure in his sexuality. Ichigo however…was strangling something. At this point, Chad felt he had to say something.
"Maybe he just doesn't know." He said. Ichigo quit strangling an invisible Renji to turn around and look at Chad.
"Huh?" he said, oh so profoundly. The Mexican wasn't making any sense. Chad "mmm-ed" and looked up at the sky. How could he phrase this?
"Well," Chad blushed, "I mean, Renji isn't like you and I. He-"
"Hell right he ain't!" Ichigo interrupted, "We're decent, Chad. Morals. Scruples. You don't pinch my nipples in the morning to wake me up, do you?" Chad was about to continue but then he heard this last fact and stopped. He didn't think he did…did he? "Damn bastard, Dad said it's a prank boys play on each other, but I know better! THAT FREAKING PERVERT WAS MAN-GROPING!" Ichigo screamed.
"Ichigo, I mean maybe he doesn't know how to show his feelings." Chad stated and blushed red afterwards…though you really couldn't tell with that skin tone. Ichigo turned crimson and quickly looked at the ground.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Chad!" he said angrily. Ok, so he could never be mad at Chad, but still! That was just…just…
"Maybe he's not just messing with you. He could feel something…more." Ichigo snorted.
"More here meaning my asshole. No way, Chad. Come on, I gotta' get home soon. Renji's probably burned down the house." Ichigo picked up his school bag that he had threw to the ground after using it to beat invisible Renji clones and stalked off towards home, swear words injected every step. Chad sort of wilted, but quickly regained his composure and followed Ichigo.
"So, where are Karin and Yuzu?" Chad asked softly after a block of walking.
"There was a horrible storm on the southern tip of Japan, and they went to help take care of the injured. They're gonna' be gone for a week or two. And before you ask, I don't know how Rukia is. She doesn't really have the time to write I suppose." Ichigo said. Trouble clouded his eyes and he looked down at the pavement. Chad chuckled.
"It's almost like you have three little sisters now." He said warmly. Ichigo paused and smiled.
"Shut up, Chad." He said playfully, punching him on the arm. They continued the walk home in a comfortable silence, the awkward "Renji talk" behind them. It was a brisk November afternoon, and the leaves falling in the cool air made for a beautiful afternoon. The leaves falling reminded him of Ichigo's hair…balding. But honestly, it was beautiful. The flowing leaves from the trees made for a wonderful contrast with all the steel buildings. Chad walked in an aimless manner, wondering if he was the only one who noticed this beauty. You didn't get this in Mexico. He would really have to go back sometime. He rubbed his tattoo absentmindedly. 'Abuelo…'
"Well, Chad, I'm sorry that I freaked out today." He said, looking away. Chad paused. Why did he suddenly … oh, they were at Ichigo's house. Chad just shook his head.
"Don't be sorry, Ichigo. But …" Chad looked down thoughtfully, and Ichigo backed away towards his front door. Couldn't Chad just forget about that conversation already! "If Renji was a homosexual, what would you do?" Chad asked. He quickly locked eyes with Ichigo so he couldn't get away. When someone is looking directly at you, you can't move, even if you can't see their eyes, or even them.
"Ch-Chad! What are you …why the hell…I…I mean, there's no…well, why would I care?" Ichigo said, faltering. He quickly turned around spat on the ground. "And don't say homosexual! Ok? Use … something else."
"Something demeaning you mean?" Chad said, an unemotional, yet totally all-mighty-judging tone to his voice. Ichigo paused before opening his front door. Nothing happened for a few moments other than a brisk wind blowing between the two. What was happening?
"See ya' tomorrow, Chad." Ichigo said sadly, and he closed the door. Chad stood there for a few moments. Ichigo's voice had been odd. Had the boy been crying? He sighed and continued for his own home.
Ichigo softly closed the door, and he leaned his back against it. Why should he …what was Chad aiming at? I mean … Ichigo said something along the lines of "Krrrrrnnnnnningflllllllcraaaaaaap" and started to beat his head against the door. What he said now was not the least bit intelligible, but at least it was understandable.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stu-"
"Heeheehee!" Ichigo quickly turned around. What in the…?
"Ahahahaha!" Laughter tittered down from upstairs … not just upstairs, but Ichigo's room! Ichigo angrily threw his school supplies down on the floor. Oh, hell no. He didn't.
"Ladies, ladies, ladies! Please! I'm only one man!"
"We'll be gentle!"
"Well, I didn't mean that necessarily…"
"Oh you are dead, you stinking man-whore." Ichigo whispered in a deadly tone.
Renji gave a feral smile and reclined his head as the ladies did their "work." His eyes widened slightly and he chuckled. Who knew you could do that with a cheese grater? Suddenly, pounding footsteps reached the ears of the redhead.
"Shit…" he muttered. With a grunt, he pushed himself up off of Ichigo's bed (who sadly wasn't there with him) and clapped his hands. "Alright everybody. I've believed you've been paid in advance, so if you'd please…" he said quietly, gesturing to the window. Yes, the window. Well, he just couldn't have them walk out the front door, now could he? (Though a plethora of naked women leaving through a teenage boy's window every day wasn't exactly the best plan either, but it would have to do.) The girls pouted for a few seconds, gathered their "supplies" and headed for the window above Ichigo's bed. Renji, the gentleman he is, obliged them by opening the "escape hatch." As the plan was about to be executed, a certain Strawberry burst into the room … well his room.
"RENJI! YOU PERVERT!" Ichigo shouted as he thrust open the door of his room. What greeted him was a smiling Renji, whose face just boasted a look of "Why, yes. Yes I AM a pervert, thank-you-very-much!" and three very naked women, who Ichigo assumed were climbing in through his bedroom window … did he mention they were extremely naked? "Um…Hi there." He said, voice about five octaves too high. Renji slapped his own forehead. This boy needed to get laid (And he was just the one to do it!).
"Alright, alright, shoo already!" Renji snapped, firmly grabbing one of the girls by the behind and giving her a none-too-gentle shove out the window. Through the scream, Ichigo was able to hear:
"Oh, so this is your Smexy Little Strawberry, ne Renji?" said one of the two remaining ladies. She practically had purred every word, and the r's were rolled to perfection. Despite this, Ichigo still understood what the sentence meant, and his face started to set into a scowl? 'Smexy?' What the hell?
"Only I can call him that!" Renji said angrily. On that note, he decided to end the party, and the two guests were graciously thrown out … through a window. He promptly shut the ladies' point of exit and turned around to face Ichigo.
"Man, you know I liked the ones from last week better, I wonder if I can make requests…" Renji said to himself, looking around. With that, he clapped his hands and smiled at Ichigo. "You'll just have to take their place!" And with that Ichigo threw his table lamp at the man in front of him.
"I can't believe you Renji! How dare you! I mean, I mean-" but before Ichigo could go any farther with his "Tear-Renji-A-New-One" speech (that he had worked SO hard to memorize) he was cut off by a placidly bored tone from the other shinigami.
"Not that I don't adore your voice Ichigo, but…" Renji tilted his head back and exposed his neck, rubbing it softly, "Could you hand me my shirt please? It's cold without the ladies."
'Yes, you are a sick sonofa- huh?' Ichigo's mental tirade suddenly deflated, and he was left to battle with the fact that Renji was, yes, indeed, shirtless. In his room. With only him in the house. Shirtless. As in without a shirt. Lacking a shirt. Bare chest exposed. A manly, well-defined chest actually … much nicer than his! 'Um…' All Ichigo could do was move his lips up and down, somewhat in a fishy manner. How had he missed that? Must've been, oh, I don't know, the three sets of plastic breasts waving in his face!
Renji cocked his head 'Haha, cock head. Haha. Oh, wait, mature, Renji! Mature!' to the side and gave a cautious look at Ichigo. He looked kind of challenged right now. Like a llama. Renji pouted at Ichigo's sudden silence, but then shivered. He didn't know what was wrong with Ichigo at this point in time. Well, he'd leave it up to him to figure it out. Renji left every door open (especially bathroom and bedroom) for the substitute shinigami, so Ichigo should know he could always come to him. He shrugged and grabbed his hippie attire from Ichigo's desk chair and walked past the teen to the door, so Ichigo could have some privacy. As Renji's bare arm brushed against Ichigo only partially covered bicep, there was a spark of electricity in the air. Ichigo quickly recoiled and Renji stumbled towards the door. He paused slightly before shaking the feeling off and walking down the hall. As he put his shirt on he cursed softly. 'When did it get so freaking hot in here? It's like sex on fire or something…'
With Renji gone, Ichigo collapsed onto his bed with shaky knees. What the hell just WAS that, anyways? Suddenly, his body was racked with shivers. But, it wasn't the kind when you were cold. It was more a spasm. His body knew he had lost something important to him, even if his mind didn't know just what it was yet. He moaned and threw his head against the pillow. What was going on? Setting his eyes in a determined glare, he balled his fists and rose from the bed.
"I need to know." He flew across the bedroom floor and dove into his closet. Breathing heavily, his hands shook with the foul deed he was about to do. 'I thought I would never…'
"Ichigo! Hiding in the closet, eh? I always knew you were gay! Hahaha-AAAAAAAAAAH!" Kon was thrown ever so unceremoniously from his kingdom (a.k.a. Ichigo's Bedroom Closet) and landed in the trash bin next to Ichigo's desk.
"Kon!" Ichigo hissed, sticking his head out from the closet. "If you dare tell ANYONE about what I'm doing in here I will have that Queer Quincy at school sow a vagina onto that plush body of yours." Kon squeaked and hid in the trashcan. As he began to pray to the gods of Manhood, Ichigo quickly said something Kon didn't quite catch.
"Whethmagzin?" Ichigo muttered, hardly above a whisper.
"What?" Kon whispered back, head only slightly peeking out from the trash receptacle. Ichigo growled, gritted his teeth, closed his eyes, and smashed his head between his knees and rocked back and forth. Groaning, he cracked an eyelid open to stare at the darkness. Beneath that blanket devoid of light, he knew it was there. And he had to awaken it. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Ichigo again stuck his head out from the stuffy closet.
Kon peered out at the closet door again as he heard it open. Standing on one of Ichigo's failed English reports to get a better look, he strained his ears to try and hear the teen's next words.
"Could you please tell me…?" Ichigo said softly, almost shyly, "Where you keep your…" He gulped, "Magazines." Kon slid back down, claw to his chin. Did Ichigo mean his…? Kon's eyes went wide, and he blinked. Chortling, he jumped out of the trash bin and puttered across the room. Jumping past a flinching Ichigo, who had been expecting Kon to burst out into raucous laughter at his question, just slid open a small drawer Ichigo had originally kept for underwear. Under black, silk boxers, Kon pulled out a multitude of magazines with voluptuous women printed on the front. Thoughtfully perusing a few pages of each volume, he thumbed through the many manuscripts before putting the majority of them back and leaving only about three near Ichigo's feet. Ichigo looked down at the scantily clad woman on the front of the first book and looked hesitantly up at Kon.
Kon saw Ichigo looking at him. His mouth only opened up a fraction, but Kon held up a paw to silence him. He only winked and quickly dashed out of the closet. Before running downstairs, he figured he should put Ichigo's mind at ease. This was a man's on private time after all. He jogged back to the closet, opened the sliding door a fraction and whispered to the unsure teen inside:
"I'm only going to Yuzu's room. Don't worry, I'll make sure Renji doesn't bother you." He thought for a second and then added, "There's tissues in the drawer right by your left foot. Don't make a mess! I have to sleep there ya' know!" Kon grumbled and went off to Yuzu's room, plush feet making a soft "tap" every time he stepped. Looking in at the witch's lair he quickly did a scan of the room. Now, where could she be hiding her next torture device? What would it be next that she would dress Kon up in? A tutu? Some girly negligee? A bikini? Kon quickly went to work at raiding the Fortress of Frills.
Renji tapped his foot impatiently on the tile floor and blew a wisp of hair out of his face. He directed his glance and the microwave and whined.
"Hurry up!" Now, Renji had discovered something about the human world. That was food. Glorious food, all kinds of food! He loved it all! Even the quick, crappy food! Food! It was everywhere here! As the microwave started to ding, Renji eagerly opened the door, ripped his bag of wonderful-goodness open and poured it into the container already filled with the contents of two saltshakers and a few sticks of butter. Taking a mixing spoon, he stirred up his popcorn soup, and happily took a seat on the couch in the next room over. Checking to make sure Ichigo wasn't watching him; Renji glanced up the stairs, leaning back on the couch in the living room. Detecting no movement, he gave a slight "hm" and started to lick to spoon. He propped his feet up on the small glass table in front of him and the TV, grabbed the remote from it, and started to flip through channels. He quickly found the pop music video channel. Muting it, (What? You'd think he'd actually listen to it?) He happily watched the scene before him, supplying his own dialogue, usually something along the lines of "Ichigo … kiss … lick … whipped cream." Scantily clad women bounded around some nameless stage before him on the plasma screen. But what was even more important than that were all the half-naked men following her around.
"Oh yeah…" Racy outfits, intimate poses, and promises of action off-camera were enough to set Renji's body aflame. He giggled. It was like porno! He then sighed and hunkered down on the couch. Sadly, it would have to do for porno. Ichigo had banned that channel.
"Speaking of Ichigo," he murmured, popping a cholesterol and fat-saturated kernel into his mouth. Rolling it around on his tongue he paused to think about the orange-haired boy. What was up with him? Renji angrily grabbed a fistful of popcorn and shoved it in his mouth. Munching, he got a disappointed look on his face. He didn't think his plan was working. Almost every day he brought home women and every time Ichigo had caught him and yelled at him. But that was it. No "Renji I thought you liked me," no "Renji! How could you," no "Renji, why don't you and I try that sometime?" He growled and spat kernels out on the floor. He wasn't making Ichigo jealous. He hugged his bowl of popcorn and began to think of another plan. He did have those handcuffs that the one blonde had left. As Renji's mind began to venture into the territory of leather and bondage, a certain image on the television caught his eye.
As lines of men came out to provide background for some teen idol on stage, Renji's mind took the image and made it, well … it was Renjified. All the different faces of all the individuals behind the teen queen were replaced with a single set of features. Chocolate eyes and flaming hair atop a stern yet caring face. Height was increased or decreased until each little Ichigo lined up perfectly. Miss Teen became a Renji in a tight set of leather pants. As this scene played out happily in Renji's mind, the pervert quickly looked around. 'Wonder how long I have alone to myself?' His eyes glinted deviously, and set the bowl of popcorn aside.
"A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." He whispered. Before starting, he looked upstairs and gave one last non-erotic thought about Ichigo. He wondered: Just what was he doing up there?
"No, no, no, no!" Ichigo panted, "Why isn't this working!" he cried and threw the magazine out the closet door. He quickly curled up in a ball and rolled around the floor. He had seen every freaking picture imaginable. He hadn't even known some of those positions were anatomically possible! They had to be breaking some kind of laws. He grabbed his throbbing head and groaned. This was so confusing! His eyes ablaze, he pointed accusingly down at his unaffected groin.
"You should be throbbing, and I should be grabbing you!" he screamed angrily at his crotch. As it had stayed for the last hour, it was, yet again, unresponsive. "Damn … it…" he moaned. One woman had made her legs so far apart; you could freaking see inside of her! Why wasn't this working? No arousal, no moans, no groans, no expletive phrases of any sort had escaped the sexually frustrated teen. He tugged at his shock of orange hair, and sucked in a breath. Walking out of the closet, he threw Kon's magazines in his trashcan and quickly went over to his desk and began to search through the drawers.
"I know it's here somewhere," he mumbled to himself, biting his lower lip. Finally, he found it: a small, black photo book shoved in with Ichigo's school notebooks. He looked around, ashamed. No one was watching him right? In a fit of paranoia, he grabbed the book, slammed the drawers shut, ran down to the bathroom and quickly shut the door. Panting and sitting on the toilet, he gazed down at the book and the treasures it would hold.
Renji had brought it when he "moved in." (Here meaning dumping all his crap on Ichigo's bedroom floor with a smile and a request for dinner's main course.) He had boasted lovingly how it contained pictures of him and all his friends from his Shinigami Academy days. He had also demanded it be hidden somewhere safe. When Ichigo curtly refused his idea of "Let-Me-Shove-It-Down-Your-Pants…(Love)" with a regally put f-bomb, Renji settled for one of Ichigo's desk drawers. Sighing, Ichigo ripped off a piece of tape Renji had put over it saying "Rukia's Diary" and threw it away. That was the precaution against thieves Renji had gone on so much about? Ichigo's face contorted into an odd expression of angst and tenderness. He thought he might be falling for this guy?
"Here I go…" Ichigo silently opened the book, brushing his fingers against the fraying, leather-bound side. He supposed the book had been around for hundreds of years. After caressing … wait? Hold the phone. 'Caressing?' Okay, Ichigo might, MIGHT, be accepting that he could be gay … but no way in hell was he going to be some pansy-ass … UKE! After securing his position of dominance, Ichigo distractedly looked down at the first picture. His jaw dropped and he started to shake. "Oh my sweet…" he breathed.
What assaulted him were pictures of Renji and co., unchanged by hundreds of years after their school days. Gis discarded into piles, the boys had all posed with arms flexing, six-packs bore, and thighs exposed. Only small shorts covered up the bare essentials. Ichigo was surprised that he was even able to remember the others' names: Kira and Shuuhei, right? 'None of them could hold a candle to Renji though!' his inner mind whooped as Ichigo flipped the page. Now it was a Renji-fest with Renji trying to be sexy, and succeeding, with devilish looks in his eyes, and chest thrust out in a manly way. Ichigo softly exhaled, unaware that he had been holding his breath the whole time.
Suddenly, a thought hit Ichigo's head.
"When did my pants become so tight?" he stated. Had he gained weight? Was it all those Snickers? "I should really tell Orihime to cook with less fat, and OH MY GOD I HAVE AN ERECTION." He burst out. A boner, a hard-on, a man's best friend! He gave a silent "YES!" in excitement, but then, a loud cry came from downstairs.
"Yo, Ichigo, where are you?" Renji's drawl crept upstairs and floated into the bathroom. Ichigo's eyes went wide, and he managed to get an answer out.
"B-be right there," he gulped, "Renji." He said hoarsely. He gave a sharp intake of breath. He couldn't even say his name anymore! Ichigo bolted of the bathroom and began to rip off his clothes in a search for new ones, throwing the book onto the bed.
Renji looked as Ichigo finally trotted down the stairs.
"Hey, where were …you?" he ended confusedly, "Ichigo, why did you change clothes? And aren't those big for you?" he finished. What had arrived onto the threshold was an Ichigo dressed in a shirt brushing against his knees, and a pair of sweatpants that were almost falling off they were so baggy. 'Hmmm.' Renji thought to himself. 'Do I like clothes that fall off Ichigo or clothes that are so tight they leave none to the imagination?' Contemplating this key piece of philosophy, Ichigo suddenly gave a startled shout.
"NoWhydoyousaythatIhavenoideawhatyou'retalkingaboutImeanhonestly, Renji." Ichigo said hurriedly, waving his arms about. Renji lifted an eyebrow. He didn't know what was going on right now. Ichigo had been acting weird all day.
"Well…" he said, turning around. "I was wondering if you want to spar later tonight. I have to go and help out Urahara at the shop, so, whatever. Later, Ichigo!" he called over his shoulder, exiting the household.
"Later!" Ichigo called.
Plopping down on the couch, Ichigo began to think to himself. Sure, he found Renji extremely attractive (Has he mentioned he was sure he was gay right about now?) but he still annoyed him. Making sure Renji wasn't secretly stalking him, again, he propped his feet up on the table in front of the couch and turned on the whore pop video channel. Ichigo shook his head. Man, him and Renji really had nothing in common.
Two Hours After Renji Arrived Home
"I'm gonna' kill you!"
"You're such a wuss!"
These were the phrases most often heard later that night that went back-and-forth between Ichigo and Renji as the two death gods struggled in battle as they sparred in the park. It was a little known park in Karakura, and everyone else was out at the bars or movies, not bothering with nature that brisk autumn night. As the leaves came down in torrents, Renji was thusly knocked backward into a pile of fallen foliage. Ichigo swung his sword over shoulder in triumph.
"You lose." He stated simply. Arrogantly, he wrapped Zangetsu back up. As Renji spat leaves out of his mouth and picked twigs from his hair, Ichigo "helped" him up… by grabbing his ponytail and yanking his six feet off the ground. All with the best of intentions, of course. "Man, I think you're getting suckier," he said while clapping him on the back.
"You prick! I'm gonna - HEY!" Renji didn't get to finish his death threat as Ichigo pushed him back into the leaf pile.
"You're gonna have to get better. I'm not hauling your sorry carcass home to Rukia one day you half-assed weakling." Ichigo said in a mocking tone. Renji angrily got up again. This was war!
"What," Renji bellowed, angrily throwing his sword to the ground and stomping up to Ichigo, "Like you could survive five minutes without someone going easy on you!" he yelled again, shoving Ichigo down.
"You shit heap, what the hell?" Ichigo screamed, bounding right back up again. As Ichigo got up, part of his brain screamed "CHARGE!" and that's just what Ichigo did. "I'll show you!" Ichigo predicted, and tackled Renji to the ground. Left hooks and right hooks were thrown around as the two boys rolled on the ground. As Renji emerged at the top of the pile, he stumbled up, giving Ichigo one last kick to the rips. Ichigo coughed in pain, the wind knocked out of him. He ground his teeth together, pushed himself off the ground and swung another fist at Renji. Renji easily grabbed his arm, twisted it, and fought him to the ground. Pinning Ichigo, he held him firmly in place as he got up. Placing one foot on Ichigo's stomach, and pressing, Renji started to speak … well, he yelled.
"Not so tough, now, eh Ichigo?" Renji said in a condescending tone. As Ichigo opened his mouth, Renji applied more pressure to Ichigo's gut and all he could get out was another cough. "At least I can back up my tough-talk!"
Ichigo coughed again. Glaring, he spat out,
"Well at least my IQ is above three!" Quickly shoving Renji's foot off him, causing him to stumble, Ichigo whirled around and shot a blow to Renji's jaw. Making contact, Renji fell backwards and Ichigo collapsed on the ground, exhausted. Breathing heavily, they both made eye contact after a minute.
"Are you done being a prick?" Ichigo muttered. Eyes determined and mouth set, Renji crawled up.
"NO!" he yelled, tackling Ichigo again. As the two swore, punched, and kicked for the second time around, insults were strewn into the mix of blood, sweat, and testosterone.
"Have you even hit puberty yet?"
"At least I don't masturbate every other hour!"
"Can't rise to the challenge?"
"Go fuck yourself!"
"It'd be better than you!" Renji gave a small frown. After he crushed Ichigo into no more he'd have to tell him he didn't mean that. From only imagination alone, Renji was positive that nothing could be better than Ichigo!
As the two continued to throw cheap shots (very, very lame cheap shots) at each other, Ichigo began to think amidst the abuse.
'How come Renji is so obsessed with sex and penises?' As he thought it over, returning a nose-breaker Renji had dished out, it came to him. Struggling up, Ichigo quickly pointed to Renji.
"YOU'RE COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING!" he screamed triumphantly.
'Yes, say you want me to - huh?' Renji blinked, dumbfounded, and stared back at the exalted teen. What in the name of chocolate Kool-Aid? Ichigo was rambling. Like a llama.
"What are talking about, you dick-head?" Renji said accusingly.
"AHAH!" Ichigo screamed rabidly. His smile got bigger, began to bob his head, and his arm started shaking. "See, seeeee, that's it, you - you… haha!" he giggled, jumping around. Renji just stared, mouth agape at the now-insane teen dancing before him.
"Dickweed," Renji muttered, picking himself up. Walking up to Ichigo, he grabbed him by the shoulder and roughly shook him. "The hell you talking about dipshit?" he screamed about one inch from his ear. Ichigo jumped away.
"You're a sex fanatic, and you have to inject the word 'dick' into every freaking sentence!" he screamed. Renji looked on, still confused.
'What the dick?'
"Your sword can grow to ANY length and TWSIT, TURN, and BEND ANY way you want it to!" he exploded, blushing. Renji's head went back in confusion and he furrowed his eyebrows.
'OK, now Ichigo is making no dicking sense here. None at dicking all.'
"Um, Ichigo, just 'cause your jealous of my amazing sword and all, doesn't mean I'm com … cooooom … compenny … compennysitting … com … pen …settideded …" Renji tried to say, struggling.
"Compensating?" Ichigo drawled, un-amused.
"Yeah! What the dick ever that means." Renji said, waving his had to dismiss the subject. Ichigo smacked his forehead. Either Renji was that dumb, or he was in denial.
"I want to play with neeeeeeedlessssss…" Renji sang, poking his sword. Ichigo about fell over. OK, maybe it was both.
"IT MEANS," Ichigo screamed at the top of his lungs, breaking into Renji's song, "THAT YOU. HAVE. A. SMALL. PENIS!" Ichigo yelled louder, staccato on every word.
'Hahaha, penis... HEY!' Renji's mind burst out.
"AND YOU. USE. YOUR. SWORD. TO COMPENSATE. FOR THE FACT. THAT YOU ARE. INADEQUETLY. EQUIPPED!" Ichigo bellowed. As Renji opened his mouth to start screaming at Ichigo and his penis, Ichigo interrupted.
"No!" he shouted, jabbing Renji in the chest, "And in case I haven't made this CLEAR enough for you," he hissed, pulling him closer by his collar, "Here's what the results of these facts mean for you." He said even lower. Roughly releasing Renji, Ichigo started to count of on his fingers. "You will never get even close to getting a woman pregnant, you will have a complex for the rest of your life, you may become violent on account that you are lacking, you will never wear a Speedo, most likely buy large guns, a big house, and a Hummer, you will use steroids to bulk up every other muscle in your body, you will pick on little boys, keep a sock in your pants, place a pickle in your underwear, and I'm not even half done yet so don't you dare interrupt." Ichigo finished with a sweet voice, holding up a finger, wagging it in Renji's astonished face. "Here's the good things. You will be able to ride a horse without a saddle, never worry when a woman says she will kick you in the nuts, be able to be hit with every golf, basket, foot, soccer, base, soft, kick, and hard ball that ever comes your way, and you will always be the life of every part because every girl in the room can start her sentence off with 'There was this one guy, and Oh. My. God.' It's you." He finished with a sigh. Ichigo about floated up into the air. So this is what true victory was like. He rubbed his almost broken hands together. Felt like. Sucked in a breath of fresh air. Smelled like. He looked at Renji's completely enraged and bloodied face. Looked like! He licked the blood beginning to cake on his upper lip. Tasted like!
"ICHIGO!" Sounded like!
Renji pushed himself off the ground, deathly cool after his momentary outburst. He gave a wicked smirk and abruptly pulled Ichigo closer.
"Why don't we put your theory to the test?" he whispered in a devilish tone, lips almost brushing against Ichigo's ear. Ichigo began to shake again. When did the tables turn in the last five seconds he was celebrating? Licking his lips, Renji stepped back with the purest animal look of lust in his eyes. "I've gonna' prove you dead wrong." He whispered again.
"Oh no." Ichigo choked out. Chuckling in mirth, Renji quickly crushed their lips together. Ichigo's eyes fluttered, and his breath quickened. Wait, what? No…
"Mmmmm…" was all Ichigo's protest came out as. Renji smirked into the kiss. He bit Ichigo's lower lip to silence him, and all he could do was grab onto the larger man's shoulder so as not to collapse on the ground. Renji wrapped one arm around the small of Ichigo's back to support him, and the other arm ran its hand around Ichigo's chest and stomach, caressing, teasing, sometimes traveling up to tangle its fingers in Ichigo's hair. Ichigo gave a shuddering breath. As Renji felt a warm fluid trickling down between their lips, he realized Ichigo's lip must've started bleeding from being bitten.
'He's so delicate, even if the fool won't admit it.' He thought tenderly. Pulling away, Ichigo followed him for a second and then pulled back, but he didn't struggle out of Renji's hold. Eyes half closed, he was still in amazement. Renji softly kissed the tiny wound on Ichigo's lip and licked it for good measure. All Ichigo could manage was a shuddering groan. Since when was Renji so gentle and loving? And passionate all at the same time?
"About time you gave into me…" a deep voice said close to his air. Ichigo gave a deeper exhale in response. The deep voice chuckled. "But…" it said, a more primal tone sinking into the voice, "I think it's about time I made you pay for what you said about Lil' Renji…" he muttered, softly placing kisses along Ichigo's collarbone. As Ichigo's neck was lovingly assaulted, calloused hands slipped under Ichigo's shirt and started to explore all around his torso.
Moaning, Ichigo couldn't say anything to make it stop. He didn't want to. Knowing he wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow, Ichigo let Renji carry him off towards home.
Isshin Kurosaki quietly entered through his front door and put his medical supplies down. Sighing, he rubbed his cheek and stretched. Bending over, arms reaching way above his head, he heard spinal vertebrates pop in appreciation.
"What a long day!" he sighed. Balancing himself against the stairway rail, he took off his shoes. Karin and Yuzu had wanted to be dropped off at Orihime's house after they had arrived home from their mission down at the Southern portion of Japan. Isshin muttered to himself. He would have to call his lawyer up sometime in the next week. He was sure to be facing a lawsuit. Groaning, he bent his toes to get the blood flowing again after they had been cramped in shoes and running around for five hours straight. So he had added a little tongue to the CPR with that one storm victim? Was that really reason to bite him on the arm? Shaking his head, Isshin looked around the house. It was one in the morning, and he was happy to see Ichigo hadn't thrown a wild party while he was home. Especially a gay party. Ever since that last Halloween, Isshin had been wary of his son. But still, wouldn't he just be beaming to know Daddy was home safe and sound – and a few weeks early to boot! Softly padding upstairs, Isshin went towards Ichigo's bedroom. At least this wouldn't leave Ichigo alone with Renji anymore. Reaching the top step, Isshin clicked his tongue in disapproval. Renji was just too much for his innocent son. Pausing as he started down the hallway, Renji heard odd sounds coming from what seemed like Ichigo's bedroom.
"It's horrible," said a soft voice from below. Isshin looked down in shock.
"Kon?" A pathetic plush lion with tears in it's little beady bead eyes stared back up at him.
"Don't go in Mr. Kurosaki. It … it … oh it's just not right!" Kon snapped and started sobbing silently against the wall. Mr. Kurosaki paled. Ichigo … had something happened to his son? Breaking in a sprint to cross the ten feet to get to Ichigo's room, Kon called out from behind it.
"No! Don't! You can't handle it!" he called softly, plush head hitting the floor in a swoon.
"ICHIGO! SON! THE FRUIT FROM MY LOINS, ARE YOU-" Isshin screamed dramatically, busting into Ichigo's bedroom, but he was rudely interrupted.
"OH MY GOD!"