Why don't they go away? Why don't these memories just disappear?

Fuji rocked himself slowly back and forth, his knees pulled up to his chest. In spite of his pride, the tears leaked from his shut eyes. He would wait for the final blow that would cripple him but today was not it. Today was not going to be the day he'd cave in to the pain. When he felt like crying, he escaped to a small and isolated park that no one he knew frequented. He breathed in deeply and raised his face to the darkening sky, letting his fingers curl around the wooden bars of the bench, driving them harder against the solid wood, tearing his nails against the sharp splinters.

He wanted to disappear, he wanted to stop existing, he wanted to be erased so completely that the world would never remember that he had once been a part of it.

There was no escaping the pain he had felt when Eiji's words were thrown at him. His mind replayed the moment of realisation when he knew that Eiji had been the one who turned against him. Nothing twisted the knife in deeper than the realisation his best friend had given him away, but Eiji didn't even bother to wreck his vengeance in the same childish ways that Fuji had gotten used to over the years. He supposed it was his arrogance in believing that people didn't change, that they remained the same and felt the same even as time passed. It wasn't Eiji's anger that troubled him, but the fact that Eiji was indifferent, untouchable, so far removed from the best friend that he recognised, that it chilled him to the bone and broke his heart in the same moment. Had everything changed without him knowing a thing? How had things become so different that he no longer knew how to cope?

Fuji bit his lip until it bled, in an attempt to stop crying. He couldn't and wouldn't cry. He had always known that he would be alone. He had confessed his love to Tezuka with only a flicker of hope in his chest, but he had always known that nothing would come of it. Nothing comes from nothing after all, wasn't it?

He could still hear Yuuta's shrill, accusing voice in his head.

"You don't understand anything! How would you know anything of how I feel? You're perfect aren't you? You don't laugh or cry like normal people, you're a freak, a freak like what they call you, I hate you!"

A muffled gasp of grief bubbled up in his chest and Fuji clamped his hands over his mouth and tried to hold back the tears that wouldn't stop. The more he tried to stop thinking, the more the thoughts flooded his mind and brought back the worst memories. Around him, the wind was rising in speed, lifting the fallen leaves in great gusts and sweeping them past him in a flurry of colours. The rain was starting to fall and he didn't care. At least no one would see him now...

Yuuta was right. He really was a freak. He remembered the way Tezuka's face had changed, the pallor of his face becoming whiter as he cast around desperately for a way to get away from him. He remembered the way Tezuka had apologised and stumbled away, and apologised again. He remembered standing perfectly still and thinking that if he ceased to breathe in that one perfectly silent moment, he would somehow cease to exist. He remembered the pain that had clutched at his heart in that moment, a sudden seizure of agony that had him gritting his teeth as he held on to the nearest table and willed himself not to break down. He remembered the pain on Tezuka's face as he tried to think of a diplomatic way to let him down.

He remembered the pain on Tezuka's face.

Fuji broke down in tears, burying his head in his knees as he rocked himself more violently on the bench, praying for a complete erasure of his life. He had hurt Tezuka unknowingly. He had hurt him with his faked smiles and laughter, and chased him away with a confession he never needed to hear. He had taken their friendship, and destroyed it with his recklessness, and Tezuka was never going to forgive him. He swore he never meant to do it, he didn't know of the disaster that would follow, he didn't know of the rumours and the gossip that would spread like wildfire through their school. He thought about how he had been foolish and incurably selfish to only consider his perspective, and his weakness in being unable to keep his love to himself where it would have been sheltered instead of being torn into shreds by a stony rejection and the mocking laughter that followed him everywhere.

The rain was pelting harder against the ground and Fuji was quickly becoming soaked to the bone. He wanted to die. He had hurt Tezuka, and Yuuta hated him, and Eiji no longer believed in him. He was faced with indifference and rejection, and he had no idea how to handle the turmoil of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him with the passing of every day. He was worthless and insignificant and he often thought of slitting his wrists when the pressure grew too much for him to handle. If only he hadn't been born, the world would have be a better place. Yet, an unnatural death would bring shame upon the family and he didn't wish to hurt anyone.

He wanted to disappear.

When the thought arose in his mind, a high, sharp keening rose in his chest and tore itself from his throat. He was half whimpering with the cold rainwater that drenched him and left his teeth chattering, but his growing incoherence was a worthwhile reward since it left him unable to think but feel. His heart was hurting but the cold was driving away the pounding in his head and there was nothing left for him but the wet feel of salty tears mingled with the rainwater. He rocked himself steadily on the bench and buried his face further in his knees.

Thunder. A flash of lightning.

And the bench lay deserted and empty, as though no one had ever been there.


END CHAPTER

A/N: The plot doesn't belong to me, but to the totally excellent reader: Rabbit Dreaming, who sent me a fic request but gave me a plot summary, wrote me a preview of the fic, and even gave me links for additional information. This fic is going to be one of the most difficult that I've ever written, and I can only hope that I do her story justice.

EDIT: Do check out Rabbit Dreaming's page, (Username: Musou) since she uploaded the basic premise of this story. Think of it as a preview of sorts aan?