Warnings: the host club?
Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran, and please take all of the medical stuff with a grain of salt
Authoress Note: Oh my god, this is the most difficult chapter I've written so far, and I still don't like it. I started out, ended up completely scrapping half of what I had already written. Changed the plot a little. Did way too much research, and every I look at this thing I want to hurl my laptop against the wall. I still didn't have an ending to this chapter, so I just stopped it. It's just...frustrating. So I hope you enjoy? Yeah.
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Everything was coming in and out like flashes of lightening.
There were people's voices around him, panicked, hands on his hot-cold body.
There was the deafening wail of a siren.
There were hands on him again and everything was so bright, he couldn't see.
He was choking on something, and his nose and mouth burned.
Then it felt like he was floating. It wasn't the scary floating of before, but not peaceful either. It was cottony and grey and sometimes far too hot. There were moments he thought he was awake but everything was still a fuzzy blur so he kept floating until everything went dark again.
When Nekozawa finally woke up, the first thing he noticed was how blurry everything was and he felt sheets covering him, clammy against his warm skin; he felt a burning in his stomach, rawness in his throat and this heaviness in his head like someone had put bricks on it. Then it struck him, the events that had previously transpired and how he was still alive and grief flooded through him.
Not only was he a failure at even killing himself, but he still had no will to live. He blinked his eyes, trying to focus them, so he could see where he was and maybe escape. When the world came into view, he realized that he was in a dim hospital room. There was an I.V. in his arm, and he was evidently attached to a heart monitor and he wondered briefly if he could pull them out without anybody noticing.
"Oh good, you're awake."
Nekozawa jumped and looked over to see a nurse coming through his door holding a tray of food. She smiled when he saw her and set the tray down on the table attached to his bed.
"Hello, I'm nurse Honda and I'll be your head nurse on this floor, but we'll all be taking turns checking on you. You've been out of it for two days now. How are you feeling?"
Nekozawa didn't respond, though he still felt awful, obviously. He just looked down at his sheets with his cheeks burning faintly from embarrassment over being alive to have this conversation. She cheerfully continued, undeterred.
"Well, if your throat and your stomach are sore, it's normal; it's from having your stomach pumped. If the rest of you feel ill, it's probably from your fever, which thankfully broke last night. You know, you gave us quite a scare there. You're lucky you were found so quickly, you might be on dialysis otherwise."
Again, he didn't respond.
"Well, I'll go let your parents and your doctor know that you're awake, okay?"
The nurse hesitated before leaving Nekozawa to his own devices. When she was gone, he sighed and continued to stare at his hands. He felt so ridiculously awful and not just physically, but mentally. He didn't want to be in this place, he didn't want to be alive and he didn't understand how they couldn't see that. Didn't they know how worthless everything in his life was? Didn't they see that keeping him alive was only prolonging misery? He felt venom towards whoever had found him.
Eventually the nurse came back and his mother followed, looking teary eyed and distressed. His father followed at a much slower pace, solemn and wary. The nurse excused herself and the first thing that his mother did was slap him hard across his face. And then she grabbed his hand and started sobbing in Russian,
"How could you! What were you thinking! Did you think that we wouldn't care? Or that it just doesn't matter?"
Nekozawa's resolve softened slightly and he squeezed her hand in his.
"Hey," he rasped back, "I'm fine," he said, for her sake. It didn't calm her down.
"You are now! You're lucky that Kuretake found you so soon and we have doctors on hand! What if she hadn't! You could have lost your kidneys or-or your liver and they don't give transplants to suicidal patients! I—I don't want to see both of my children slowly die!" She became choked up again and she squeezed his had harder. Nekozawa didn't reply. He didn't want to tell her that he would do it again if he had the chance, only he would plan it better. It was then that his father decided to speak up.
"We...well, nothing is certain yet, but it is very likely that the hospital is going to enroll you into its mental health care facility after a psychiatric evaluation. But your mother and I fully support you staying there as long as you need to. We….we feel like we've been neglecting your needs for a while and there you can finally get the help and support you deserve."
The harsh reality of what his father was saying struck him. They were committing him? He couldn't believe it. The unfairness of the situation astounded him and made him angry.
"No..." He shook his head like he refused to let the idea sink in. "You can't do that!" He tried to sit up, but his stomach immediately protested.
"I'm afraid it's not entirely in our hands," his father said sadly. "There's a chance that you'll simply be released, but considering the note you left and your history…." He shook his head.
"No, you need this. This isn't punishment, Umehito, we just want you to get well."
"But..." he still searched for a way to fight what felt like his sentencing, "what about school?"
"Well, school will depend upon how long you're there. I don't know all of the ends and outs of the facility, but something will probably be provided."
Nekozawa remained silent in his disbelief over the situation. They were serious. They were really trying to commit him. He looked away from them angrily and his mother said,
"The facility has some really good psychiatrists that we think can really help you."
He didn't answer. He wasn't exactly in a forgiving mood. It was then that there was a knock at the door, saving him from responding anyway. It was a doctor, judging by his lab coat.
"Hello," he nodded at Umehito and then turned to his parents and said, "I'd like to speak with him if you don't mind."
His parents looked at him then nodded reluctantly and shuffled out of the room. The doctor stepped forward when they left and placed a container of . . . mush on the tray next to Nekozawa's food. Then he turned to Nekozawa and smiled genially.
"Hello, Nekozawa-kun. I'm Dr. Takahiro. How are you?"
Nekozawa shrugged, but didn't answer. He of course had been much better. The doctor didn't seem to take offense and simply indicated to the container he had brought in.
"Do you know what that is?"
"No," Nekozawa answered curtly, not liking this man that also led to his captivity.
"It's what we took from your stomach. About 1000 milligrams of sertraline-hydrochloride," If the doctor noticed Nekozawa green slightly, he didn't seem to care, "Which caused a whole host of problems you probably experienced after taking them, the main of which was serotonin syndrome. Your fever has gone down, but we're still watching your heart and we're treating you with lorazepam to rid everything from your system. Unfortunately, it'll take a few more days until you get out of here, but what I want to know, however, is why where there that many pills in yours stomach?"
Nekozawa shrugged again, not liking where this conversation was going and Dr. Takahiro sighed.
"I don't think you realize how serious this is. I'm sure your parents already told you about the possibility of being institutionalized. If you are, you'll be transferred there after some evaluations and you'll be there until you're no longer seen as a danger to yourself."
Nekozawa swallowed nervously. So it was true. He didn't have much of a choice.
"When will those evaluations take place?"
"Probably after you're well enough. It'll be a few days at the least."
Nekozawa frowned, staring at his bed sheets again. He was trapped where he was either way. Great.
The doctor gave him a pitying look that probably would have made his stomach sink had he been paying attention.
"We're only trying to help you Nekozawa-kun. Please remember that."
Nekozawa didn't reply again, so the doctor simply left (and didn't take his container of mush with him) and his parents resumed their place, despite his silence. Eventually, they had to leave (after they visited Kirimi) and Nekozawa was left alone with his food and the contents of his stomach. Needless to say, he wasn't very hungry.
The next few days were like that. One of the nurses, mostly Nurse Honda, occasionally came in, took his blood and changed his IV bags and made sure he had water and someone else brought him food. His parents showed up a few times, but it was mostly crippling loneliness. He thought it couldn't possibly get worse, except when the host club, of all people, showed up.
(Mostly he was just angry at their association with Kyouya, but he looked in vain for the brunet and was immediately disappointed that Kyouya wasn't there.)
They came in with all sorts of "get-well" balloons and flowers. Nekozawa wondered if he was experiencing a fever dream or just plain hallucinating. But no, this was real. When Hani set the flowers down on a table and the twins began to tie some balloons to the railing on his bed, Nekozawa's heart seemed to stop for a moment, as he feared that they knew the true reason of their hospitalization. He didn't want their pity.
"What are you all doing here?"
"To help you get better of course!" Tamaki declared with a flourish and Nekozawa simply glared. He had wanted company, but not this company. Haruhi gave him a sympathetic look as Hani announced that this was their "Operation Get Neko-kun Well Again!" plan.
"How did you even know I was here?" He asked when it occurred to him suddenly that this was winter break and nobody would be missing his presence at school (not that anybody would actually miss him at school, but still).
"Oh! Mori-sempai has an aunt who's staying here and she saw your parents! We of course had to help a friend in need right away!"
(Nekozawa's face might have heated up a little at the thought that they thought of him as a "friend" but mostly his head just hurt because Tamaki seemed to speak only in exclamation point.)
"What are you in here for anyway, Sempai?" One of the twins asked.
"Yeah, you look like total crap." The other replied.
Haruhi elbowed the latter but Nekozawa's face had gone pale. Should he tell the truth? He was thankful that they didn't know, but his mind immediately went to that scene when he was twelve, and he knew that wasn't logical, he knew that they wouldn't hate him, pick on him like that, but he was suddenly afraid and choked out,
"A virus! I...I have a minor virus, is all."
The host club seemed to take this at face value, but Tamaki suddenly announced, "Everyone, I'd like to speak to Nekozawa-sempai! Alone!"
Everyone stared at Tamaki for a moment before shrugging and shuffling out of the door. Nekozawa distinctly heard one of the twins cackle, "Don't get cursed, Tono" but he was sincerely beyond the point of caring anymore. When everyone was gone, Tamaki's enthusiasm softened and he smiled carefully at the other blonde.
"Sempai...do you know what's going on with Kyouya?"
Nekozawa started, "How did you—?"
"I figured it out. I had a feeling when I saw you two in the nurse's office, but I miiight have looked through his phone when he wasn't looking, haha! You know, he won't even text me during class!"
Nekozawa frowned and looked at his lap before muttering, "I haven't heard from him in over a month."
Nekozawa shrugged, still not looking up, and said bitterly, "I don't know. He broke up with me, out of the blue. No contact or anything. Why?"
"I haven't talked to him that much either," Tamaki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "If I didn't see him every day in class, then I would have thought he had vanished! He rarely returns my texts. Rarely talks to me."
Tamaki looked at the other blonde, saw the tenseness in his shoulders, saw his hands bawled up on his lap, and sat down on the edge of the bed and asked softly, "You really loved him, didn't you?"
Nekozawa looked up and nodded; Tamaki could see the unshed tears in his aqua eyes.
"Sempai, why...why are you really here? My mother was in the hospital for a really long time, and you know, most minor viruses don't require heart monitors."
Nekozawa was silent for a really long time. He still feared the rejection, the humiliation, of confessing his failure. But he still knew that Tamaki wouldn't tell, he may have been an idiot, but he had more integrity than that. So with palms shaking slightly, he admitted barely above a whisper,
"I...I tried to kill myself."
(It was the first time he had said such a thing aloud, admitting it to anyone else, and it still hurt.)
He had expected Tamaki to look sad and sympathetic. What he didn't expect was Tamaki crawling into his bed and wrapping his arms around him. The other didn't say anything, just held him and it was so unexpected, so real, so needed, that it wrenched an emotion out of Nekozawa's chest, and he was shocked to feel tears running down his cheeks. It unleashed some sort of dam of pent up frustration, hopelessness, and sadness and he held onto Tamaki's back and cried on his shoulder, sobbed for the first time since the breakup.
His body shook, and he hiccupped stupidly, but Tamaki just kept holding him, rubbing his back, even as Nekozawa ruined his shirt.