Author's Note: Alright! After screwing with the entire 26-episode series of Escaflowne (and the movie, too), I've decided to move onto my next victim- er, I mean blessed and fortunate choice: Blood +! I really do enjoy this anime and you know what that means! I get to make fun of it! Whee! Expect lots of goofs and swearing, mostly. Oh, and of course I messed with the name and called it Blood Minus instead of Blood Plus. Hope you like it! Read and review, please!
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +. Just Blood -.
Far away in Vietnam, a ruthless slaughter was taking place. People were cut down mercilessly left and right by a blood-covered young girl with a slashing sword. Blood spurted, screams rang in the air, and Adult Swim made a huge mistake not putting a content-warning message up before airing the first episode.
-Five Minutes Earlier-
"Sir, are you sure about not putting up a content-warning message before we air this show?" An Adult-Swim executive nervously asked his superior.
"Wouldja shut up?" The superior scoffed. "I'm trying to watch Rock of Love. Those girls are hot. Plus, who the hell cares? Cuz I sure don't." He noisily slurped at his coffee and continued ogling the drunk, desperate women.
And so the first episode of Blood +, or should I say, Blood -, was aired, infuriating mothers everywhere who caught sight of it.
"What the…oh…oh GOD!" One mother gasped whilst sitting up with her teenaged child that night. "What the hell IS this?! You said this was age appropriate!" She pulled off her belt and went for the kid.
"No, mommy, wait!" The child begged piteously. "It's not my fault, I swear!"
"No more Adult Swim for you, EVER!"
Okay, seriously, enough of that. Let's get back to the story.
Saya leaned over, panting for breath and reading herself for the big jump ahead. Her friend, Kaori, stood at the side-lines, cheering her on. Saya glanced up at the distant high-jump and grinned.
"Hitomi Kanzaki, here I come!" She giggled.
"Dude, Saya," Kaori stated. "No-one's gonna get that joke. Escaflowne was, like, ten years ago. Seriously." Saya blushed deeply.
"Outta my way, bitch, and let me jump!" She snapped. Saya rushed forward, heading toward the high-jump at an angle, when suddenly she tripped over her own feet, fell, and cracked her forehead on the stick laying across the poles.
"Wow!" Kaori gasped, clapping her hands as Saya fell face-first with a thud onto the mat. "You almost got to the jumping part before you fell, Saya! Good job! What an improvement!" When Saya didn't respond with a scathing insult, Kaori became concerned and ran over. "You okay, Saya?"
"Oh, yes. Just dandy." Saya answered mildly, face planted firmly in the blue mat. "Just got a cracked skull and sprained ankle. But I'll feel better if you come over and lay seductively on me for no apparent reason."
"Sure!" Kaori smiled and happily obliged. Men everywhere cheered and whistled.
Later, the two girls took a break from track and field (and the lezzing out) to go eat a snack. Saya and Kaori sat under a tree in the schoolyard, the former stuffing her face like it was her last meal on earth.
"Whoa! Slow down, ya porker!" Kaori laughed.
"Shut up! I'm hungry!" Saya barked around her meal.
"How can you eat all that food and never gain any weight?" Kaori asked.
"Cuz I throw it up right after, DUH!" Saya answered, never slowing down.
"Oh, right." Kaori nodded. "And here I am, thinking anorexia was the way to go. Silly me. Now, if you don't mind, I'll glomp you for some random reason."
"Mmkay." Saya continued eating as Kaori knocked her over in a violent hug.
The two girls lay together on the ground, until suddenly a whistling sound rang through the air, and a rather large plane flew over the school.
"Whoa! What the hell's that?" Saya asked in awe.
"That's a bomber, Saya," Kaori explained. "They fly over the school because there's a military base near here."
"What?!" Saya had stopped listening after hearing the word 'bomb'. She was young, and not ready to die yet. "Good God, hide! They'll bomb us into oblivion!" She tore out of Kaori's grasp and threw herself into some nearby bushes, where she huddled and shivered in fear.
"Wait, Saya!" Kaori called after her. "We have to casually inform the audience about your amnesia!"
"Of course I have amnesia!" Saya retorted, poking her head out of the bushes. "I'm the main character! It's almost a requirement!"
"Saya!" A voice called. "Hurry your butt up! I'll give you a ride home!"
"Hey, it's Kai!" Kaori pointed out the red-haired boy waving at them.
"Uh, huh," Saya responded blankly, shoving the last bits of her meal into her mouth.
"You know," Kaori went on, "a lot of girls are after him."
"HUURGH!" Saya just barely managed to keep her food down. "Dude, I'm trying to eat here!!"
"Sorry," Kaori said sheepishly. She leaned forward and picked off a crumb from Saya's face, then ate it quietly.
"Will you two stop lezzing out over there?!" Kai hollered impatiently. "Come on, we gotta go!"
"CAN IT!" Saya roared back, chucking her lunchbox at Kai's head. "I said I was coming!"
Saya was perched on the back of Kai's crappy motorcycle, and the two were traveling on the highway by the sea on their way home. The ocean beside them glittered prettily, sparkling in the sun as gulls swooped around and lovely piano music played. It was all so peaceful, so magical-
Kai was forced to screech to a halt as a police officer pulled him over.
"Son," the cop asked in a serious tone of voice as he sauntered up, "do you have any idea how long that montage was?"
"I don't know…" Kai muttered. "Like…two minutes?"
"THREE minutes," the cop corrected. "Now, I'm letting you off with a warning this time, but the next time I see you driving around with music and sparklies, you're getting' the ticket. We clear?"
"Crystal," Kai sighed, taking the written warning. The cop winked at Saya (who gagged) before finally leaving.
In an important-looking office somewhere in that same town, an important-looking Frenchman was having an important-sounding conversation with an important-looking military general.
"We have to find zhat mouse!" The Frenchman said firmly. He paused for a moment, then held up a small mouse cage. "It'z almost time for hiz lunch!"
"Okay, why do we have to look for his stupid pet rodent?" The military general asked in annoyance. "And if you didn't know, frenchie, we're speaking figuratively, not literally. 'Mouse' is just a code-word we use."
"Oh." The Frenchman blinked and shifted awkwardly. "So zhen…no mouse?"
-At the Hospital-
Saya lay on an uncomfortable hospital cot, watching the blood from the IV drip slowly into the tube that led into her arm. Gross. I hate hospitals.
"Hey sweetie, how you feeling?" A beautiful and astonishingly well-endowed doctor asked, coming up next to Saya's bed.
"Oh, hey, Julia," Saya replied pleasantly. "I- enormous boobs!"
"…What?" Julia asked, adjusting her glasses.
"Nothing." Saya shrugged. "Boobs. I mean…huge cleavage. No! I didn't mean to say that! Indecent exposure. Gaah!" Saya clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from spitting out any more comments about Julia's large chest. The lovely doctor narrowed her eyes and began turning away. Saya couldn't contain herself and the comments burst out. "Mmmph! DAMN, look at those titties!"
"Okay, we're done here! Get out!" Julia tossed her out the Hospital doors. Saya sighed and picked herself up. That always happened when she saw Julia's copious bosom. She just couldn't help herself! She dusted her skirt off and began the long trek home.
Halfway there she stopped as she saw a small crowd gathered around an emo-looking young man playing a cello. She closed her eyes and listened to the swirling melody, letting her mind wander, until…
"WAIT!" She cried aloud, causing the cello-guy to stop playing and the crowd to stare at her in astonishment. "…Do you know 'Superstitious', by Stevie Wonder?"
-At Saya's Home-
Outside of Saya's house, her father, George, and little brother were in the middle of a fun game of catch in an abandoned lot.
"Here, connect your wrist to your shoulder, like this!" The father tried to coach, pulling back and throwing the ball to his son. It shot like an arrow and cracked the kid right between the eyes, making him collapse like a sack of potatoes. "Oh, EFF."
The boy tottered up, blood running from his forehead, and threw the ball back with a girly grunt. It didn't go more than two feet.
"God help me." George gave up, throwing his glove down onto the ground. His son was such a pansy. What the heck was he ever going to do with-
"Um…hey." Saya interrupted his thoughts, appearing in the lot. "I'm back."
"Saya?" Her father's head jerked up in hope. "Oh, thank goodness! Quick, show Riku how to not throw like a girl!"
"I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered…" Saya wondered to herself. After a few minutes of coaching (and no improvement with Riku's wussiness), the family retired to the house. Saya placed her bag on the table and began rummaging through it. Suddenly, she gasped.
"Oh, fudge! I forgot my weed at school!" She swore. George and Riku stared at her. "Er…I mean, my shoes! I forgot my shoes at school! Whoopsies! I'd better go get it, uh, them! Later!" She rushed toward the door.
"Don't fall and break a leg, sis!" Riku called after her jokingly.
"I'll break your leg!" Saya shot back, slamming the door open and freezing as it hit something solid. A very gaunt and thin blond man in a suit staggered backward, clutching his bloody nose. "Eeek! Dad, there's a starving hobo out here! Quick, Riku! Gimme the broom so I can beat him off!"
"Oh, let him in," George laughed. "That's just David."
"Don't make me shoot you all," David growled dangerously, fingering his gun. "Hurry and go get your damn drugs, girl!" Saya made a face at him, then hurried past. David entered the house and handed George an envelope. "Here's your pay."
"What are you, my pimp?" George muttered, snatching the packet away.
"Hey, you're the man-whore, not me," David grumbled.
"I need the money!" George retorted hotly. "It's not my fault I'm so damn sexy!"
"…I think I'll go into the other room and hang myself," Riku stated quietly as the two men continued to argue.
-At the School-
"Damn, the school's closed!" Saya cursed, peeking in at the front gate with no luck. "Oh, well. I'll just use my convenient burglary skills to sneak in unnoticed. Shh!" She raised a finger to her lips and winked at the audience. She quickly took out a hook n' wire thingamajig, and used it to climb over the fence. Once inside, she snuck past the lone guard and approached the tree she'd eaten her lunch under, looking for her we- uh, shoes.
Saya gasped and whirled around to see the same emo-looking cello-playing young man from earlier.
"Hey, you're that guy who wouldn't play Stevie Wonder!" Saya cried. "Are you stalking me or something?" The man stepped closer. "Hey, I'm warning you!" Another step. "I'll mace your ass, man!" She pulled out a can of pepper spray and pointed it at him menacingly. At least it would have been if it was pointed in the right direction. "How the hell does this thing work, again?" The man stepped even closer, towering over Saya and staring at her with eyes that seemed to bore into her very soul.
"…Have you accepted Jehovah almighty as your one and only savior?" He asked in a low, dangerous whisper.
"Wh…what?" Saya stuttered.
"Would you like a pamphlet?" The man asked. "I also have bibles-"
"No! Go away!" Saya screamed, frightened.
The man pulled out a knife, which glistened in the moonlight.
"I'll take both," Saya said sweetly. The man ignored this, approaching her with the dagger. Saya said a mental "Bleep it" and ran like hell. Almost instantly she collided with the lone guard she'd snuck by and screamed like the teenage girl she was. The man also screamed, in exactly the same way. There was an awkward silence between them.
"Well, that was weird," Saya commented.
"I'll say!" The guard agreed. "Something tells me I've got about ten more seconds to live!" He took out a flashlight and checked the tree for any signs of the Jehovah witness Saya warned him about, but found nothing.
"He was there, I swear!" Saya insisted, peeking out from behind a column. "Be sure to check really good!" The guard sighed and went to the tree again.
A huge hand shot down from the tree and grabbed the guard, yanking him up into the branches. A few moments later the guard fell back down, covered in blood and nearly ripped apart. Saya stared at his dead body for several long minutes.
"…Hey, man, you okay?" She finally asked.
Saya looked up as a huge monster dropped from the tree and growled at her.
"Aaaah!" Saya cried and backed away. "It's a rabid, hairless gorilla-thing! RUN!" She turned and fled as the creature roared after her.
-Elsewhere, at the Same Time-
"Sir, we've found the 'mouse'!" A soldier reported to the Frenchman.
"Oh, you found Zherry?" He clapped his hands with delight and held up a running-wheel thing. "I zhust bought him a new treadmill!"
"Sir, we've been over this already!" The soldier growled.
At Saya's house, Kaori had arrived to return Saya's w- SHOES!
"Oh, snap!" George laughed. "She's already at the school. Ain't that a bitch?"
"I hope she doesn't run into any legendary and powerfully evil creatures…" Kaori whimpered in worry.
"Oh, don't sweat it!" George assured her. "Remember, Saya's the main character! She'll be fine!"
-Back With Saya-
Saya was not fine. She had a legendary and powerfully evil creature right at her heels. She ran into the school building and quickly slammed the GLASS doors closed, then turned the TINY lock for good measure.
"Hah! Try and break through that, gorilla!" Saya cried triumphantly. The creature ground to a stop in front of the doors and glared through the glass at Saya. Then it slowly lifted its claw and held up…
"Oh, SHIT." Saya whispered. Then the now unlocked door slammed open and glass flew everywhere, a piece slicing Saya's upper leg. She gasped in pain and limped away into the hall, desperate to escape the surprisingly resourceful evil creature. Too bad she ran into another one- the cello-man!
"Not you again!" Saya yelled at him, clutching her wound. "I told you already, I don't want any of your G.D. pamphlets! So leave me alone!"
Once again he drew his knife.
"That's not gonna change my mind this time!" Saya said firmly. Then the man threw the knife and nailed the gorilla-creature in the hand, making it stagger away from Saya, who'd totally forgotten about it till then. "But THAT will!" Saya finished. "Praise Jesus! Halleluiah!"
The man ignored the religious praises and scooped Saya up into his arms. She immediately responded appropriately.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" She shrieked at the top of her voice, beating at his head and struggling mightily.
"I'm saving you!" The man snarled.
"Oh." Saya blinked and instead whispered, "Unwanted physical contaaaact!" The two hurried into an empty lab room and hid. "What was that thing?" Saya asked the strange man. "A pit-bull on crack?"
"A chiropteran," the man answered.
"The fudge is that?"
The man ignored her, instead taking out a sheathed sword and displaying his right hand, which was grotesquely mutated and misshapen.
"Eww, gross, dude!" Saya gagged. "What is that, a transplant gone wrong or something? Seriously, you should get that checked out. I know a doctor with huge breasts who-"
The man, meanwhile, had cut open the mutated hand and raised it toward Saya's face, as if wanting her to drink the blood welling from the wound.
"No, no!" Saya protested, shoving the hand away and starting to run for the door. It burst open, and the chiropteran charged in. "Yes, yes!" Saya whirled around and flung herself back towards the man. He tackled her to the floor, put some of his blood in his mouth, then kissed her to transfer it to her mouth (y'know, you coulda just put your hand to her face, pervert).
"Saya!" Kai appeared in the doorway, unknowingly ruining the moment and swinging a flashlight around. The beam of light fell on Saya and the man kissing. "Er…you guys want me to come back later or something?" Kai asked awkwardly. A roar caused him to jerk the flashlight up and notice the ten-foot monster not three feet away from him. "Whoa! What is this, a three-way?"
As the strange man kissed her and the blood ran down her throat, Saya began receiving flashbacks of her past, mostly of the grisly opening scene that caused so much trouble with Adult Swim.
"Agh! No!" Saya cried out as the visions came. "I don't wanna be like Hitomi Kanzaki! Help!"
"Saya, we've been through this before," the strange man said patiently. "No-one's going to get that joke. And what do you know, the episode ends here so I don't have time to explain it either. Bye!"
-Episode 1 End-
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.
Author's Note: Well, that was fun! If you hadn't noticed, I'm following the English dubbed version on Adult Swim (I watch it then and jot down notes and jokes) and that's why there were all those references and the Frenchman talks funny. If people like it, I'll surely continue this series. Review if you did! Later!