Saya, the Pissed-Off Heroine

Author's Note: Hey, here's an extra-special chapter devoted to character profiles for this series, since they're so different from the originals. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: For the last time, I do not own Blood +.

Blood Minus

Character Profiles

Saya, the Pissed-Off Heroine.

Saya is one pissed off heroine. There she was, enjoying her normal, perfectly ordinary life (besides the whole amnesia thing) with her two idiot brothers, man-whore father and borderline-lesbian best friend, when out of the sky drops a huge, hairless gorilla to throw a wrench in her spokes. And then pee on her as she lays on the ground, twitching. Then it steals her bike and sells it. From then on Saya was forced to join Red Shield, save the world, and put up with the affections of a man who is hornier for her than Angelina Jolie is for adopting children. Not to mention there's THREE of them. Haji, Solomon, and Kai. And Karl. Plus countless lesbians. The poor, poor girl. Despite their annoying antics, Saya does her best to help the group, and lives for killing her evil twin sister, Diva, whom she accidentally released from prison years before. She has a rather short temper, a potty mouth when angered, has a taste for anything edible, and Stevie Wonder's 'Superstitious'.

Haji, the Perverted Chevalier.

Haji loves titties, especially Saya titties. He just can't get enough. He doesn't really like pain, though, especially getting run through the guts with pointed objects (his tally went up to about fourteen, right? Not counting the many times he was crushed underneath rubble). He follows his master Saya's orders to the letter, eating roses at her bidding and groping her along the way. He seems to have some strange homosexual attraction, as well, since both Nathan and Solomon (remember the kiss?) can't help but find themselves vaguely attracted to him. Not to mention his legs looks quite hot in skirts. He's quite skilled at playing the cello, which he carries around on his back in a huge case. Haji can be very competitive, especially when the grand prize is sleeping with Saya, and will do anything to win against his opponents, Kai, Solomon, and Karl…and Kaori. And that one girl in that one episode. And- okay, you get the picture, he's got a lot of competition. Get crackin', Haji!

Kai, the Dumbass.

Kai, as the description above implies, is a dumbass. And I don't mean Jessica Simpson dumb, I mean the fungus that grows on rocks in the arctic dumb. He can't seem to take a hint, and has no clue that everyone in Red Shield loathes him, as well do Diva and her minions. And Saya, especially. Come on, man! Despite being Saya's kind-of-but-not-quite-there brother, he can't help but harbor feelings for her, and by that I mean want to get freaky. Due to these urges, he and Haji constantly butt heads, as well as he and David, but only because they hate the eff out of each other. Despite his shortcomings, he proves himself an asset to the team, and by that, I mean an ass, scratch the 'et' part. Seriously, the Red Shield is better off without him.

Riku, the Evil Genius.

Riku is George's youngest adoptive son, and Saya and Kai's little brother. He's small and a bit girly, but won't let that stop him from kickin' your ass if you tell him so. He's the only one who knows how to handle Kai's monumental stupidity, and how to comfort Saya without feeling her up at the same time. There are rumors of him being an evil genius, but don't let his dark mannerisms and red, glowing eyes fool you. He's just a perfectly ordinary boy that can shoot lasers from his eyes and order crows to do his bidding! He becomes Saya's second Chevalier after Diva sucks his blood. Sadly, he catches Diva's eye, and gets taken advantage of before dieing. …Or DID he? Dun dun DUNNNN!

David, the Underweight Secret-Agent.

David weighs, like, fifty pounds. I'm serious. Although I could be wrong – that's taking his clothing, shoes, and gun in account. Anyway he survives mainly on air, using a disturbing filter-feeding method to subsist on particles floating around him. It's pretty weird so he mostly does it in private. He's completely oblivious to the attentions of the sexy scientist Julia, as well as Joel's more subtle ones. He and Louis work in tandem together, even though they had a rocky start (he thought Louis wanted some quarters). The code name Louis gave him is 'Vanilla Stick'. David is also a very accomplished dancer, and has taught Kai well, even though he hates the little bastard to death and purgatory. He was good friends with George when they were younger, and that is why he feels he must take over as surrogate father after George's demise. Also, he's pretty much my favorite character. Go David!

Louis, the Sexy Brutha.

Louis is a large, sexy black man who joins up with Red Shield, working alongside David and the others efficiently. He has the power to conceal candy bars and other things somewhere on his person (I won't go into detail), and has a soft spot for Lulu and large weapons, especially tanks. The code name he uses is 'Sexual Chocolate'. None of the women in the series can resist him. There are rumors he may have been a pimp in his younger days, and I believe it. He is also ex-CIA…or was it EAT? Can't really remember, and I don't want to ask him because then he'll use the sleeper hold on me…

Julia, the Seductive Scientist with the Amazing Rack.

Julia is one sexy doctor hungry for some man-meat. Too bad David's not on the menu! She doesn't let this stop her, though, and will go to any lengths to try and seduce him. It…doesn't really work that well. Her large breasts sometimes cause people to have uncontrollable outbursts, screaming things like "Indecent Exposure!" and "Nipples!" when seen. …Alright, maybe it just makes Saya do that, but I certainly would if I ever saw her! Wouldn't you? Her code name is El Caliente Seniorita.

Okamura, the Chain-Smoking Reporter.

Okamura is a skuzzy reporter whose hatred for his father is only surpassed by his hatred for his mother. The two argue constantly, making it impossible for him to remain at home, so he frequently travels the globe, trailing Saya and Red Shield. He recently developed a harmful tumor that goes by the name of Mao, and it won't leave him alone. The strange thing is that he might not want it to, and that's just…cute? I really don't know. Anyway Kai owes him a big thank you for freeing him from her clutches.

Joel, the Leg-Obsessed Richboy.

Poor, poor Joel. The only thing in the world that he truly loved were his legs, and he lost them. He was forced into taking over Red Shield instead of fulfilling his dream as one of those dancers that stand in a line and kick up their heels. Now his dream will never come true, as he's confined to a wheelchair after the attack by Diva. He still doesn't let this stop him, however. Just give him a ball of string and he'll show you what he's got! He's also quite a heavy drinker, but that's perfectly understandable. On an off note, he secretly harbors feelings for David, as seen in his journal aboard the Red Shield boat. Did I make every man in this fic vaguely homosexual or what?

Mao, the Crazy Girlfriend.

Mao is the crazy girlfriend all men have had and check under their beds for before going to sleep. She is obsessed with Kai (well, maybe just his soul) and will do anything to track him down, including kill people. No, wait, she did that already. Okay, forget that last part. She snares Okamura in her net and forces him to accompany her around the world, using her amazing tracking powers of smell to search for Kai and Saya so she can get all up in their business. As time passes, she slowly loses interest in Kai, who is horny for Saya, and begins to pay more attention to Okamura. Also, she has a baby. I wonder if Okamura knows?

Diva, the Sadistic, Psycho-Bitch.

Diva is Saya's evil, twisted twin sister. While Saya was loved and doted upon, Diva was locked in a tower, treated badly, and told she couldn't read good. This, understandably, made her psycho. She lives to put Saya through as much misery as possible, such as stealing her credit card and wracking up massive bills. The sick bitch! She has a strange attraction for Riku, Saya's girly little brother, and so man-rapes him, kills him, and gives birth to his children (hello, Jerry Springer!). Sadly, she dies in the end, due to a bogus plot twist in which her blood is no longer potent enough to kill Saya while she dies a horrible crystallized death. If only Doctor Phil had been given a chance with her…

Nathan, the Gay Chevalier.

Nathan is Diva's outrageously gay chevalier (that even rhymes). She probably recruited him to make sure she always had something nice to wear. That or she just wanted a gay best friend, I really don't know. Nathan, who never does much fighting, is more into fashion and constructing the hideous dress Diva wears at the anime's final confrontation. He has crushes on pretty much every male in the series, including James, Solomon, and Haji, but sadly, none of them reciprocate. He was supposed to have died when cut in HALF by Saya, but miraculously survived and went on to become a paparazzi. Maybe we'll see him soon on the next season of 'Project Runway' (that is, if they let him back on after killing some of the last season's cast).

James, the Rapper-Wannabe Chevalier.

James is the only brutha of Diva's chevalier, and feels he must live it up as much as possible. So, he does the next best thing – becomes a rapper. He uses the name "Lil' J" and busts out a few albums, becoming friends with Fifty Cent and Jay-Z along the way. Sadly, after the fight on Christina Island with Saya, he loses most of his body and must become half-white, using Corpse Corps limbs to fix himself up. From then on, he is treated differently in the music district, tossed out on his ass and his record label dropped. The poor gangstah, word. He frequently uses the Corpse Corps soldiers as his personal back-up dancers, and might I say, his rhymes…leave something to be desired. Like being deaf, for one. Remember the "Tap-dance, mother-*bleep*er" song?

Amshel, the Eye-Lashed Chevalier.

Amshel has some funny eyelashes. Seriously, you see those things? There's always three of them, perfectly aligned and straightened. I giggle at the thought. Amshel is the one chevalier of Diva that begins to approach 'normal'. He has the ability to change his form at will (but still cannot fulfill his dream of becoming a woman) and uses this to fool and confuse others. What an ass! Strangely enough, he frequently makes the mistake of standing too close to the fireplace, and so scorches his pubes off. Protective gear makes little difference.

Solomon, the Other Perverted Chevalier.

Solomon could seriously be Haji's long-lost twin brother, so great is his lust for Saya. It all started at the ball, when he danced with her and she smelled like bagels (I think that would make any man fall in love). He has a habit of falling in love on the spot and immediately forgetting about it a moment later – and in the mistaking-of-Karl-as-a-girl case, getting bouts of therapy coupled with powerful drugs. At a point later in the series, he ditches Diva to side with Saya, whisking her away to his apartment in a lame attempt to get some. Sorry, Solomon, but not even the peaceful powder pixies of Candy-Cane Mountain can help you with that. He also met an unlikely demise…or DID he? Doo-doo DOOOOO!

Karl, the Just Plain Nuts Chevalier.

Karl is just plain nuts. Period. He's been driven insane by the other chevaliers ignoring him, and so vents his frustrations by hitting on Saya. It doesn't help that people frequently take cracks at his fake arm, and also mistake him for Jackie Chan. Plus Solomon once thought he was a girl. It's no wonder the guy is mad. He has a creepy habit of molesting containers, and running around in a cape and mask, calling himself "Phantom". I call the cops. He died in battle against Saya, who apparently didn't think being killed along with him was terribly romantic.

Mr. Argeno, the Annoying Frenchman.

Mr. Argeno is the annoying Frenchman who meddles in everyone's business. He is quite strange and…let's just say 'different', and also mysteriously lost his accent from the first few episodes. He is a crack-baby and so takes small doses of the drug in those candies he always eats. He hates it when people mess with his appearance, especially his face, and so will never forgive David the insult of his doodles.

Dr. Collins, the Underweight Scientist.

Dr. Collins is an aging scientist who could almost be David's father. He skinny, decaying, and has blond hair. Sounds like family to me! He devours children's souls in order to nourish his body and continue to live on this earth. At first he directs his affections toward Julia, since, well, she's got huge jugs. But after she rejects him several times, he turns his sights on Mr. Argeno, with mixed results involving champagne and a hot-tub. When Julia seems to be moving in on his 'Vanny', he becomes a bit overprotective, and attempts to shoot her in the chest. Luckily David is there to save her, and Dr. Collins disappears into the night. So if you ever look up at a full moon at midnight and see a skeletal shadow pass over it, it's probably Dr. Collins, searching for Vanny. Beware!

George, the Man-Whore.

George is Kai, Riku, and Saya's adoptive father. He's also a man-whore. What? He's gotta bring home money somehow, why not use that sexy body he has? The only downfall he has is his nasty shirt, which he hasn't changed in many, many years. As a matter of fact, it is fused to his skin and now cannot be removed without a blowtorch and some peroxide. Sadly, George died from having sexual relations with a chiro- er, I mean, that Delta thing. Yeah. Experimented on and crap. …Moving on!

Corpse Corps, the Back-Up-Dancing Soldiers.

These emotionless soldiers are the finished product of the Schiff experiments, perfected in their studies. They are now…the world's most dangerous back-up dancers, and James uses their expertise to his favor. All have faces like Moses, which, you know, would make you want to hit them more, depending on how you view him, but seriously, though. They like playing games, as well, like jump-rope and hopscotch, and forming conga lines.

Moses, the One-Eyed Schiff.

Moses is the self-proclaimed leader of the Schiff. He is the one who rounded them up and got them to escape their prison at Kilbed, then began stalking Saya in an attempt to ward off the Thorn, a disease that kills them. Moses is a bit vain, smug over the fact that the Corpse Corps soldiers bear his resemblance. He uses a large scythe in battle, and was killed along with Karman when a hobo yanked off their hoods in daylight.

Irene, the Sweet, Pretty Schiff.

Irene is definitely the nicest Schiff of the bunch. She's sweet, caring, and pretty hot to boot. No wonder Kai wanted to get in her pants! Er…robes. Whatever. She was suffering from the Thorn when Kai befriended her, and despite Saya's attempts to aid her, died from ingesting her blood. Well, when you look at it…if she'd lived, she would almost have HAD to give Kai some. So I guess it's better this way.

Karman, the Bespectacled Schiff.

Karman is the pissy Schiff with a stick up his ass. Don't be fooled by his outer ploy, though, because he…really is an asshole. *Shrugs*. He uses a spear in battle, and frequently gets into spats with Moses, which Irene then breaks up. He and Moses were killed by a hobo who pulled their hoods back to the evening sun.

Lulu, the Effed-Up Eyes Schiff.

Lulu is a young, female Schiff with effed-up eyes. Seriously, they are effed the eff up. She needs to go see an eye doctor because they freak me out. Lulu swings about a huge axe in battle, and is much stronger than she appears. She is the only Schiff to be living at the end of the series, and seems to have an attachment to Louis. He dubbed her Cream Puff, and the two are now partners.

Kaori, the Borderline-Lesbian Friend.

Kaori is Saya's best friend in Okinawa, and a complete psycho. She likes locking people up in her basement (like Riku, and recently her mother) and making eyes at Saya, who is quite oblivious to her affections. She seems to be following Riku's evil genius road, as she is trying to hack into the President's computer and I dare not think what else. Proceed with caution, by all means.

Other, Any Other Messed Up Characters.

Characters that fall under this category include Gray, the crack-making old man, Monique, the girl who is strangely attracted to Kai, Nahabi and Javier, the little piss-machines, Miss Lee, the hip-hopping teacher from the all-girls school, Min, the psycho-lesbian girl you'd get a restraining order against, Griffith, that one Schiff with sunglasses, Darth, the Batou-lookin' Schiff, Guy, the bowl-cut Schiff who died after one episode, the Important-Looking-Man, who likes tap-dancing chiro's, and Conda Liza, that lady who looks like Conda Liza Rice, among others. …Can anyone think of anyone else?

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Well, there you go. That should be just about everyone, right? I might have missed a few, can't really remember everyone. Come on, I wrote the early episodes months ago! Also, a big sorry for not putting Min in the favorite character Poll, I totally blanked and didn't remember her until it was too late. So sorry about that. Otherwise, thank you everyone for all of your reviews and support, here is the last and final chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!! Later!