I Don't Know Why

By: Satashi

It all started the moment we met so very, very long ago. You were my enemy, my rival, my opponent. I wanted nothing more than to overcome you and take what I wanted so I would be accepted by my mother. But you, you didn't want to fight me, didn't want to hurt me. You wanted to be my friend, to help me, to touch me. In time I understood that and allowed you to reach out your hand and save me from my self contained hell. I owe you my life, as without you I would not be truly alive today. You stood up for me and worked with the people to help me be set free into the world that I had never enjoyed before. You taught me something then, on that day on the bridge; what friendship was. We exchanged ribbons and our fingers touched. Something sparked in my chest then and I wanted to tell you but I didn't, and I don't know why.

We sent video letters to each other constantly for the next few months. Each one filled my heart with joy and I still have them all in order in my room even today. You showed me things about the world, introduced me to new friends, gave me something to strive to see. It started slowly, as I didn't really understand it myself, but my feelings for you were growing. I would listen to your voice alone in my room and smile. You were there for me, even if we were so far apart, and that was what I had craved all my life. You accepted me. My heart ached to see you. I wanted to tell you so badly but I didn't, and I don't know why.

Meeting again wasn't like either of us had anticipated. After so long we were re-united, only to be split up again so soon. The battle was hard on me, as I was so very, very worried. But we overcame, and we were able to talk again. Our second hug. I held you close in that small room and everything I had built up over the past few months threatened to escape all in that one moment. I could have told you then, those strange feelings, but I held it back and I don't know why.

Elementary school, middle school, junior high, High school...We went through them together, along with the group of friends we made along the way. I discovered what it was like to be normal, to simply have a life and the worries that came along with it. People noticed us; we got several love letters in our lockers each month. But I didn't care about them and neither did you. With respect to their feelings we always replied in person the same answer: we were not looking for a relationship right now. Deep inside I was lieing. I knew then what I didn't so long ago. I wanted you; to hold you, to kiss you, to feel you. Always together but never the way I wanted. Countless times we were in the situation, you looking up at me with those eyes, and it would have been the perfect time to say the words in my heart...but I didn't, and I don't know why.

Yuuno became your boyfriend and to be honest I was happy for you two, despite the pain in my heart I felt whenever you two would laugh together. Everyone said you were the perfect couple but I didn't agree. Even though I knew I wouldn't be the best for you, even though I knew Yuuno would give his life for you, I knew one thing: No one could love you as much as I could. Throughout your dates, your emotional roller coasters, your good and bad times, I was there for you. Always smiling, always caring, always loving. Your eyes sought out mine and gazed at me as if wanting something. The words never left my mouth, and I don't know why.

Your wedding was amazing, filled with many, many friends. People were crying, people were cheering, people were laughing. The perfect couple was now a family. I cried the most that day, both out of happiness and sadness. He would treat you right, would love you until the world ended, and would make you so very happy. Despite this I couldn't help but know I could as well. When you told me about the engagement you held my hands and had looked deep into my eyes with that searching look that was always there. I wished you the best of luck, and I don't know why.

Now you were gone and again people were gathered. No one was smiling now, only tears for the girl who had died at the young age of twenty-four. My world was shattered, my heart broken, my tears not stopping. Slowly people began to give small speeches while standing in front of your coffin, each one mentioning your smile, your kind words, your ever present laugh. My words were the shortest of all, even though I knew you the best. The emotions I felt, the way you touched my life, could not be spoken with mere sentences.

Then, just before you would be lowered into the ground on that hill facing the sunrise, Hayate stood up and faced everyone after placing a rose along with the many already there. The leader of our unit held a small book that I knew to be your diary and said that in your memory she would read a passage from it.

I see you every day both in my dreams and while I'm awake. Even when you are away I know we are connected in our minds. I love you so much, from the very bottom of my heart. You are the one that means the most to me and I would give anything just to see you smile. Every morning I wake up and hope that this would be the day. The day you finally tell me the words I want to hear, the day we can truly love each other. I look at you, searching desperately for some type of sign, and get the same smile I always do. I want you to tell me but you never do, and I don't know why.


Author's notes: This was originally going to be an SNL chapter but after seeing it... I just thought it was too powerful to be placed there, despite this being so short. I hope this story touched you.