If you're here to read something that is thoughtfully and reverently written, as well as factually accurate, you might as well get off this page. Because it's all done off the top of my head, and it's kinda dumb. Expecting this parody to be faithful to the actual series is like expecting Derek to be faithful to Addison.
Disclaimer: I just watch the show. And mock it mercilessly. But I don't own it.
Previously on Grey's Anatomy…
Da Phoenix: Um… I have no idea. I didn't watch the first two seasons. I'm guessing lots and lots of sex? And saccharine monologues? Oh yeah, and hospital scenes. Yay Grey's!
Denny: (is dead)
Meredith: (doesn't care about Denny) OMG Cristina, Derek and I had sex! Again!
Cristina: That's very nice and all, but I am too callous to show any kind of outward emotion. Just know that I'm jumping up and down on the inside for you.
Meredith: You're such a good friend, Cristina! (hugs)
Cristina: (oblivious) I like heart surgery!
(Izzie is lying on the bathroom floor being depressed)
Janitor: (comes in) Yo, I'd like to mop in here if you don't mind…
Izzie: (muffled) Can't… move. In… mourning…
Bailey: Please get up, Stevens, you're dripping snot on the floor.
Izzie: Why did I kill Denny?! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?
Bailey: Wait, what?
Izzie: Um… nothing. I'ma quit my job now, okay?
Derek: What up, Addison? Meredith and I had sex! Again!
Addison: Well, screw that. Why are we still in this marriage? I hate you and your smelly trailer and your smelly trout breakfasts.
Derek: But… I'm gorgeous!
Addison: So's Mark, you know. By the way, we're having an affair.
Derek: (examining his reflection in the mirror) Gooooood morning, Dr. McDreamy! You're looking so McDreamy today…
Addison: I want a divorce.
Izzie: (is baking millions of muffins)
George: I'm basically the only loveable character on this show. (sees muffins) Wow, check out all this free breakfast. Izzie, are you dating the Muffin Man or something?
Izzie: (tearstains on face) N-no… but Denny was the Muffin Man!!!!!!! (bursts out crying)
George: Oooooookeaaaaaaaaayyy… (sees giant check on the fridge) OMG WTF IZZIE?!? You're just letting 8.3 million dollars sit around and collect dust?!?
Izzie: Screw you, I'm grieving! You don't understand what it's like to lose someone you loved!
George: Yeah, but my insensitivity towards your problems doesn't mean anyone close to me's going to die anytime soon, right?
Writers: Oh no, of course not…
George: (eating a muffin) Izzie, quit your whining and go back to work!
George and Izzie's Relationship: (is already stronger than George and Callie's)
Mark: What up Seattle Grace! I'm coming to cause romantic tension for Addison and Derek! And any female with a pulse!
Cristina: I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be responsible for the nicknames around here, but I will call you McSteamy!
Addison: (muttering) …and he shall be mine. And he shall be my McSteamy.
Callie: I'm weird. I sleep in a closet in the hospital basement!
Mark: …Sup, hot chica?
(Callie and Mark have sex)
Callie: Well, this was awkward. Let's never discuss it again!
Mark: Mkay! (seduces all the nurses, Addison, and probably most of the female and/or gay crew members on the show)
Alex: WHERE AM I?!?!?!?
Meredith: Who cares? Just hang out in the background until the February sweeps.
Alex: (cries in a corner)
(George and Callie end up sitting next to each other awkwardly)
George: Um… hi.
George: …How did we become an item again?
Callie: I don't… really… know…
Da Phoenix: It's just a plot contrivance. It doesn't really matter.
George and Callie: Cool beans. (are a couple)
Meredith: Hi mommy!
Ellis: I have Alzheimer's. But before that, I was a jerk and screwed you up for life!
Meredith: I know… (stares woefully into space)
Ellis: Just kidding, I'm not so senile anymore. You're ordinary! I don't believe it! You whine too much, you've managed to hold down a boyfriend… and you find time to shower?!
Meredith: I don't… understand… what's wrong with having clean hair, Mommy?
Ellis: Surgeons have no time for mundane things like sex and... hygiene! That's what made me such a great doctor! …Plus, you whine a lot. That's kind of annoying.
Meredith: (whines) I hate you, Mommy! (walks out of room and starts monologuing) When we're little, we all love our mommies. No matter how overly controlling or smelly they are, we somehow find it in our hearts to love them. Except then they force you into some stupid profession like surgery where you try to hide the pain by having lots and lots of meaningless hot sex with gorgeous attendings. Then we grow up and our mommies get Alzheimer's and tell us we're ordinary. And we kind of feel like throwing ourselves into Seattle Harbor and drowning…
Cristina: (walks up) Were you monologuing?
Meredith: Um… yes. It's what I do.
Cristina: Well, it's annoying. And weird.
Meredith: (squeals) You mean… it's not ordinary?!?
Cristina: …No. Not even the tiniest bit.
Meredith: Ha! (runs back in room) Take that, Mom!
Ellis: (is senile again)
Meredith: Oh. (angst)
Chief: Ok all you weird horny interns, it's time for this plot to get going! Go save all the people in that harbor accident!
Alex: Finally, some character development! (finds Ava) Don't worry, disfigured pregnant lady, I'll save you!!
Izzie: (sees some guy with a head injury) I know how to fix this! I'ma put a bigass hole in your head!
Guy With A Head Injury: And you were allowed to come back to work why exactly?
Izzie: Plot contrivance, of course.
Meredith: Why hellooo, creepy little girl. Would you like to hear my monologue?
Creepy Little Girl: (pushes Meredith into the harbor)
Meredith: Oh noez! I'm drowning! I'm drowning!
Audience: The water's only six inches deep!
Meredith: (stops monologuing. And breathing.)
Da Phoenix: Yesss, she's dead!!!!!
Derek: Why hellooo, creepy little girl. Have you seen a whiny intern around? About yea high, brown hair, disturbingly blue eyes, likes to monologue?
Creepy Little Girl: (points to harbor)
Derek: Gee, thanks!
Creepy Little Girl: (head spins)
Derek: (pulling Meredith out of harbor) Meredith! Meredith! Speak to me! Show some sign of life! Start monologuing! Please!!!!!
Meredith: (is crazy pale with blue lips)
Fangirls: Just let her go, McDreamy, and come have hot doctor sex with meeee!!!!!
George: Dad! You're in the hospital?!
George's Dad: Yeah, I have heart problems.
Cristina: (comes running in with a scalpel) Did you say heart problems?!?!?
Da Phoenix: (muttering to herself) Was it heart problems…? Whatever.
George: Cristina, please find a new hobby. But in the meantime, can you and Burke fix my dad?
Burke: I was wondering when I'd get to show up in this parody!
Meredith: (wakes up) Wh-where am I?
Denny: (appears) You're in heaven, Meredith.
Meredith: But… but it looks just like the crappy hospital I work at…
Denny: Oh. Right. Well, maybe you're just hallucinating then.
Meredith: That's pretty cool… I think…
Denny: Hey, your mom's dead.
Meredith: About friggin' time!
Denny: So Mer, in the water: Why didn't you fight? Why didn't you fight?!?
Meredith: Um, I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Denny: Ok. Cool. So… how's Izzie these days?
Meredith: She's good. Still has that bigass check of yours on the fridge.
Denny: Well, good, as long as she's not in love with someone else…
Meredith: And she's falling for George.
Derek: Why is Meredith dying? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????????
Addison: Derek, I think it's time to finalize our divorce already.
Derek: We already did like eight episodes ago!
Addison: Oh. Well, good. By the way, I wish things had worked out between us. Because I want a baby, and Mark is a jerkface father figure.
Derek: (not really listening) How sad for you.
Addison: Well in that case, I might move to LA. That'll show you. That'll show you all!!!!!
Derek: Yeah, have fun with that!
Cristina: (over Meredith's lifeless form) Oh Meredith, if only I could solve this by performing heart surgery on you!!
Bailey: Don't waste your breath, she's dead. About time, too. All that monologuing was starting to get on my nerves.
Burke: Cristina, please quit whining about your whiny friend. I have a quick heart-related question for you.
Cristina: Hearts?!? (whips head) You have my full attention!
Burke: Hm, this is going to be harder than I thought… Um, Cristina, when I see you, um… my heart beats faster. And my heart is full of love for you. So… will you marry me?
Cristina: If I say yes, does that mean I get to assist on all your heart surgeries?
Burke: (feels used) Ok, sure.
Cristina: Then yes!!!!!
Burke: (has conveniently forgotten all the trouble Cristina brought down on him when she tattled about his hand tremors – that he conveniently no longer has)
Cristina: Cool. Now that that's out of the way… OMG Meredith! Wake up so I can tell you this big news!
Meredith: (opens eyes) ...It's ironic that we surgeons make a living out of fixing other people, yet we have no idea how to fix ourselves. Some of us have daddy issues. I'm not sure which of us do yet, but George is bound to develop some any second now. Some of us have mommy, daddy, boyfriend, stepmommy, stepsister, and chief issues – oh wait, that might only be me… But most of us just have serious problems with commitment. That's why we run off and get married in Vegas when it would be so much less complicated and cheaper to go to Mr. Gilmore for a shrink session…
Cristina: Yay, you're monologuing again!
Bailey: (crestfallen) Yup, she's going to be fine.
Da Phoenix: Dammit.
Meredith: So what's the big news, Cristina?
Cristina: I'm moving up in the world! Burke said that I get to assist on all his procedures from now on! I'm going to be the best heart surgeon that ever lived!!!!!!!! …oh, and he also asked me to marry him.
Meredith: That's such awesome news… for me! Because guess what, I'm selfish!
Cristina: And I'm okay with that!
George's Dad: (dies)
George: I'm so depressed. Callie, will you marry me?
Callie: (ignoring her spidey senses tingling) Sure, why not?
Will Ferrell in a brief cameo: Grief is the ultimate aphrodisiac!
George: Guess what, homies? I married a total stranger!
Izzie: How, um… nice for you. I think it's time for me to spend that 8.3 million dollars now on a new clinic!
Bailey: Aww, that's so nice! Wanting to help out the poor people who can't afford health insurance… Giving interns a way to get experience treating people…
Izzie: Um… no. We're tired of hanging out in the smelly hallways and that coma patient's room. A new clinic is a much cooler hangout than the supply closet!
Bailey: I should have known.
Alex: So, hideous pregnant lady… I think you're pretty cool. So I'm going to help make you hot so I can stand to look atcha!
Ava: Oh, thank you, sexy young background intern. Maybe someday we can have wild, passionate sex in that call room.
Addison: Don't count on it! It's my turn with this young piece of meat!
Mark: Um, hello, what about me? I thought you were interested in me!
Addison: Um, yeah, here's the thing: I want a baby. And you're a sucky father figure. And I've already discussed this with Derek, haven't I?
Mark: How would I know?
Addison: Anyhoo, I think Alex would be a good daddy, even though he's a dirt-poor intern who probably doesn't even own a smelly trailer in the woods like Derek does, and even though he's not nearly as hot as either of you, and even though he's barely 25 and is not all that much more mature than our baby would be.
Alex: Hey, I'm still right here!
Addison: Yeah, I know! (has wild passionate sex in the call room with him)
Alex: I wish you would move to LA already.
Meredith: Some days, something really sucky happens to us, like our dad dying or some obstetrician deciding she really wants to have a baby with an emotional two-year-old. And when that sucky thing happens, we die a little bit inside. Each day we die a little more. I'm pretty depressed. I think about death all the time. Like this one time where I almost drowned in the harbor. That was kind of wack, right? I should have just made up my mind and stayed dead. Dead as a doorknob. Or maybe dead as a doornail. What is a doornail anyway? Do they even exist anymore? You know what I think should exist: a remote control that works on real life instead of TV. Which I guess is the same thing in this hospital… but anyway, that one movie with Adam Sandler had a remote like that. I wish I had been in that movie. I'm hungry. I wish Derek would hurry up and bring me a sandwich. I've been starving like all day, since I'm too depressed to feed myself. And then after he brings me a sandwich, we can have wild passionate sex in the call room just like old times! It'll be great! I haven't had sexy time with Derek in like, six hours…
Cristina: Do you even listen to yourself talk?
Meredith: No, that's why you're here!
Susan: Hi –hiccup– Meredith! How's it –hiccup– going?
Meredith: (hostile) Well well well, if it isn't the woman my daddy left my crazy mother for. What do you want?
Susan: I just –hiccup– wanted to be –hiccup– nice to you –hiccup– today. You –hiccup– seem kind of –hiccup– sad since your –hiccup– mom died, and I can –hiccup– help you get over –hiccup – your mommy iss–hiccup–ues.
Meredith: Wow, that's really nice! I think I'll adopt you as my new mommy! This'll be great! You can make me wash behind my ears and eat all my vegetables and do my homework, and you'd never tell me to become a surgeon when really I should just be working at a Starbucks or doing something less stressful!
Susan: (dies from hiccups)
Meredith: Well, crap.
George: (getting drunk with Izzie) You know, I'm starting to think that marrying a total stranger like Callie was a bad idea.
Izzie: You think?
George: Let's have hot sex!
Izzie: No, George, we can't, your wife- Okay.
(they do so)
Da Phoenix: She's a lucky woman!
George: Um, Izzie, this was great and all, but we can't do it again. Or tell anyone.
Izzie: But… but I love you!
Denny's Ghost: (appears) Izzieeeeeeeee…
Izzie: La la la, not listening!
Alex: Hey Ava, it's been a while since we had a scene in this parody!
Ava: I know, right? So… my husband's back for me and the baby. But will you give me a reason to stay?
Alex: Um, what? I don't know what you…
Ava: I mean, my husband's a jerkface who didn't come looking for me. But if I had been in a boat accident, you would have come for me, no matter how hideous I was, right? Right?!
Alex: Um… er… I… ehh… uh…
Ava: Well, same to you! (leaves)
Alex: …What just happened?
Ava: (pokes head back in) I just left you until next season! (leaves again)
Alex: …Oh. (hopeful) Hey Addison…
Addison: (rushing by carrying suitcases) Nope, sorry, I'm going to LA! I'ma have my very own spinoff! (SHE GONE!)
Alex: (looking up the page) There were a lot of people with A names in this scene, weren't there?
Derek: What's up with this?! I haven't shown up since Meredith almost died! I'm the freaking star of the show!
Meredith: Um, actually, I am. You're just my super sexy boyfriend.
Derek: Well, exactly. So I should be getting a lot more time in this parody, since I'm so sexy!
Meredith: Aren't you supposed to be questioning our relationship?
Derek: Oh right. Meredith, you are a whiny crybaby, and you won't admit you love me. (whines) Why noooooot????
Meredith: (startled) I… you… budda… addawibba…
Derek: Yeah, that's what I thought. See ya. (starts to leave)
Meredith: (looking wistfully after Derek) At some point we all have to make the choice between what is right and what is easy. Like, it's kind of easy to have meaningless hot sex with some sexy guy in a call room, but maybe it'd be right to actually have a relationship with him instead. Who knows? Monogamy is complicated… and for suckers…
Derek: Would you quit monologuing?!? This is why I'm leaving you- I mean, I'm leaving because of your emotional distance.
Burke: Sup Cristina? Ready for our wedding?
Cristina: Eh. Now's not good for me; there's a coronary bypass scheduled in five minutes, and I have to be there!
Burke: I'm beginning to think you care more about being a heart surgeon than you do about being my wife! And do you know how that makes me feel???
Cristina: …Like you want to come with me to the coronary bypass?!
Burke: No, it makes me feel like crap! I don't think we can be married.
George: (walks in) You guys having marital problems too?
Burke: Get out of here, you f-----! (George leaves sadly)
Writers: Ok, NOW they can't get married. (write out Burke)
Cristina: (sobs) My heart's breaking! Good thing I'm a heart surgeon and can sew it back together…
Meredith: (pops up) It's ok, Cristina. I'm here. Just keep breathing.
Cristina: I will, I will. Just don't start monologuing again!!
Meredith: When the person we love pisses off the writers and producers and has to leave without an explanation, we feel like crap. We want to tear off our wedding dress to the dulcet tones of some indie pop singer…
Meredith: (pissed) Fine!