Everything's Just Wonderful
A/N: Technically I avoid writing in first person, but I find it fits with Yuffie so let's break the rule…Here goes nothing!
Note: Please do not take this story seriously. It's in the humour category for a reason! Also, I'm not trying to do any character bashing so, making it official: No character bashing intended. Please be aware of profanity in the story.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII
Without further ado, I present to you Yuffie's monologue.
I love all of them, really. They're like my (big, dysfunctional) family - not that I'll ever admit it! I'd probably die from utter embarrassment if I did (or maybe not)…But I digress. I'm the yappy, chipper, greatest ninja ever, Yuffie Kisaragi, at your service. Don't mind the broody group of people I associate myself with (Here's thinking of you Cloud. Vinnie.). They're awesome, albeit a bit too serious at times.
So that's why I decided to do a little 'super ninja surprise attack' on them! If I can somehow make one of them say 'everything's just wonderful' after I…ummm…get…them (kukuku!), I'd have accomplished my goal.
Mmmm…I should've known from the start what resistant wet blankets all of them are.
Take Red XIII for example.
Yes, he's quiet sometimes and too serious at other times but he's always super sweet! So then, I thought, "Hey, maybe I should give him a hug. An ultimate spontaneous hug!"
Nu-uh. Bad idea, Yuffie.
You'd think he'd appreciate it, especially one from the greatest ninja ever but noooo. Red XIII here jumped the gun and literally tossed me into a wall. Sure. He claims I surprised him and he did apologize…But really, seriously, this is Red XIII we're talking about here. With his extra sensitive spatial awareness (I'm not gonna flatter myself and say I can actually sneak up on him!), I find it hard to believe that I shocked him.
…And reacting so violently! But like the saying goes, 'never trust the quiet ones' (Err…Is it a saying?); not that I'll actually follow through with it though. Since a good half of my friends ( 3 outta 7…Wait. Oh Aerith, bless your soul. 3 outta 8.) are silent and broody, I'd be at a serious disadvantage if I don't trust them and stuff during one of our life-and-death battles.
After Red XIII, I tried to slip up Barret. I teased him for a bit but I think I mighta pushed him over the edge (Haaa, no pun intended.) during the reunion dinner. I kind of…accidentally egged (okay, dared) him to give Marlene an impromptu 'birds and bees' speech.
Poor little darling Marlene. After that little number, I don't think I can think of sex the same way ever again. Thank the deities that Tifa was around to distract the girl or else there would've been a lot of tears.
Oh my mind is still burning – and that's only from recalling the dinner alone!
Though I must say the part when Cloud choked on his drink was priceless, kukuku, especially when he spat it all out right into Barret's face. That was a real knee-slapper, right there it was, but not all the blame can be put on Cloud. I mean, everyone was having a violent reaction during Barret's speech, maybe except Vince and Red XIII. Man, the pair of 'em were as cool as a cucumbers and even had the gall to look at us as if we've never heard of 'sexual intercourse' before!
Not previously speaking of Cloud but now speaking of him, did I mention that he's real super possessive (bordering obsessive) sometimes? I mean, it was only once! Once! And now, whenever I approach his 'baby', he gives me this really dark, dirty glare. Normally it wouldn't affect Yuffie Kisaragi, the greatest ninja ever, but he's giving me that one glare he reserved for the bastard Sephiroth.
Geez, get over it Cloud! It's in the past! Stop holding that grudge on top of my head already.
So I took Fenrir out for a joyride, big deal. It's not as if I crashed or anything and 'sides, I don't think I'll try joyriding on his precious bike ever again. Man, I actually got motion sickness riding that monstrosity and threw up all over the bike handles. Yikes. Spiky definitely doesn't need to know about that as well or else I'll never hear the end of it.
…And not to mention, I probably won't see my materia ever again if he does! Damn, I knew I shouldn't have left my precious babies with Cloud.
…Ewww. Is it just me, or did that sound wrong?
Time for a subject change! How about Cid? Good ol' foul-mouthed Cid Highwind. Yup. There was this one time when I replaced all his smokes with these novelty gag-joke cinnamon sticks. It was kinda funny when he didn't notice the difference, and even funnier when he actually lit one in his mouth…
…And then he turned puce so we had to call the medics; that wasn't so funny.
Okay, I admit it; I nearly went hysterical 'cause I thought I killed the old man with that prank. Turns out he's allergic to cinnamon. Cinnamon. What kind of (self-proclaimed) manly man would be allergic to cinnamon?!
Oh Gaia he nearly gave me a heart attack. I made a (brief, very brief) vow to never prank Cid again but then that vow went out the window (Like I said, super brief!) when the old man made me clean out all the toilets in the Shera…Blegh.
"As punishment," he said.
In Yuffie language though, no, that was definitely not punishment. Clearly, toilet duty meant revenge and that meant war. Nyuk nyuk nyuk, I'm still plotting on the perfect scheme so that I can get back at him, but until then…
…Let's talk about Cait Sith (also known as the robotic counterpart of our ex-mole Mr. Reeve, kekeke).
I tricked Cait Sith to chase a mouse that found a new home in the Seventh Heaven. Kukuku, it was entertaining for awhile until the mouse dove into a wall. Hah, that only made things a complete riot 'cause Cait Sith followed the mouse and crashed into the wall (He actually dented the plaster!). Obviously, I laughed my ass off but then I got in trouble with Tifa. She really didn't appreciate that new hole and chased me out of the bar. It's not my fault Cait Sith suddenly decided to lose control and smash himself against the wall.
Mmmm…Tifa. She can be so uptight sometimes. Like that one time when I got drunk in her bar (I knew I shouldn't have had that eleventh drink…), she actually threatened me.
Tifa Lockhart threatened the greatest ninja ever, Yuffie Kisaragi.
I mean, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Okay, so maybe I stood on top of the bar table, and maybe I got dirty boot prints all over the stools, but that doesn't mean you can kick your friend out onto the cold winter curb! I was only having a little fun with the customers doing a faux (re: underline faux several times) strip tease! It was the middle of winter so I had tons of clothes on; perfectly safe.
Hey. It wasn't as if I was pulling her top off. Geez, no need to get so red in the face, Tifa.
Speaking of red…
You'd think that it'd be extremely difficult to ruffle the feathers of our resident silent character but if you know just the right buttons to press, it's actually pretty easy, nyuk nyuk nyuk!
So Vince was sitting all innocently in that dark and dingy corner of the bar and when I approached him, he gave me his patented 'what the fuck are you doing Yuffie?' look. I easily countered it with one of my signature 'going to invade your personal bubble' shit-eating grins.
Before he knew it ('cause the greatest ninja ever is super fast, duh), I stole a kiss on his cheek...
...And his face turned crimson.
HAH! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! I told you so Tifa! He does blush all the way to the tips of his ears.
Oh good times, good times. I really gotta love Vince for making it so easy...And Red XIII. And Barret, Cloud, Cid, Cait Sith (Mr. Alter Ego), and Tifa (And Aerith but...well, you know.).
Hmmm…Maybe I can convince them to take a group picture…Gaia knows we should keep a photo memory of the good times.