Warning! lots of screaming, yelling, violence, a little language, and random deaths! You've been warned!
Written By: Zilo
Beta: Maruka Gomez
Disclaimer: Why would I be on here if I owned FMA? I'd be making this stuff happen in the anime, consnark it!!
Is Snow White's cheerful, sunny tale a little too ho-hum for you? Then look alive! Here's a parody just for you. Watch as the classic tale is livened with your favorite FMA characters!
WARNING: May cause headaches, stomachaches from prolonged laughter, repeated eye-rolling, constant confusion, and tickling of funny bones. Do not read if you are immune to random and/or screaming humor or have a stick up your butt. Talk to your doctor if you destroy your computer after reading this. Please do not feed this story to infants or animals. Pregnant children and small women will be asked to leave the room.
Sun Gold And The Seven Sins
Once upon a time, in a land we'll call Rasputin...
What? We won't call it that? Okay. Rangdorf? No? How about Regurgitate? ...What do you mean you're getting a gun? Fine! Fine! How about Risembool?
Okay. Once upon a time, in a land called Risembool (sheesh) there lived a beautiful queen named Sarah, I think. She had a husband who doesn't matter at all, and barely deserves this mention. Anyway, Sarah, I think, was out in the front yard, trying to get a tan because she was quite pasty. However, she forgot to put on her Coppertone Sunscreen!
So she burned to a crisp.
"Ow! Ah! Ooo!" she wailed as the skin not only tanned but burned and began to get cancerous-looking lumps. "Help!"
Servants ran to save her. However, they were forced to stand around her.
"Why aren't you helping?" Sarah, I think, cried.
"Well, my queen," said Servant 1, "the royal bill you passed yesterday says, and I quote, 'servants can't save you when you're sunburned, unless you decide what three things you want your next child to look like' so..." He shrugged in a what-can-you-do? way.
Sarah, I think, huffed. "Fine. I want my future child to have..." She squinted into the sun. "Aha! I want my child to have hair as golden as the sun, and um..." Her arm twitched, and she looked down at its redness. "Oh! And lips as red as my sunburnt skin, and, er..." Her gaze strayed to the refreshing-looking glass of water in one of the servant's hand. "Yes! And eyes as blue as the ocean!" She wriggled uncomfortably. "Will you save me now?"
"You have to give the future child an occupation, according to this afternoon's bill," Servant 1 said.
"Gargh! I thought they were good ideas at the time!" Sarah, I think, turned as much as her sunburnt neck would allow, looking for a good occupation. She spied a man working under the hood of the royal carriage. "Mechanic! Mechanic! Mechanic!" she cried, starting to sizzle again. "Now SAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEE!"
The servants picked her up and carted her inside the royal palace. "I hope the next child isn't a boy," one of the servants said. "Then he'll be quite androgynous-looking!"
"Androgynous boys?" another servant hooted. "What a ridiculous thing!"
They all had a good laugh, even Sarah, I think, though she had to say Ow after every laugh, so it kind of sounded like she was repeatedly greeting Native Americans instead of laughing.
...I know, bad joke. I'm sorry.
Anyway, nine months later the queen had a child. This child was, fortunately, a girl, with very blond hair and very blue eyes, and she was born with a silver wrench in her mouth, displaying her mechanical disposition. However, her lips weren't all that red, so one of the servants went to Wal-Mart and bought some Crimson Lust lipstick for her.
Sarah, I think, suddenly realized she was about to die from all the skin cancer, so she lovingly named her child Sun Gold. Then she croaked and crumbled to dust, which kind of mystified people, but whatever.
Anyway, so the baby Sun Gold was raised by a passel of servants and her nonexistent father. From jump the baby was tightening faucets and fixing cars, and almost any time of the day you could hear her wrench working, Wn-wee, wn-wee. So the servants nicknamed her "Winry" in honor of her wrench noises.
"Winry, will you redo the plumbing?" a servant asked.
"Gaga!" Winry replied, already halfway through the task.
So Winry tuned up the whole castle, which made everyone pretty happy, as the plumbing was awful. Then, when Winry was five, her nonexistent dad made himself exist long enough to take another wife, a woman named Dante.
"You look like my friend Lyra, who died a couple of years ago," one of the servants said to her.
"Yeah, that's too bad," Dante said, hiding behind her the suitcase that said "This belongs to Lyra".
So Dante moved into the castle, and Winry's dad stopped existing again. Dante didn't mind Winry at all, and even thought her mechanical bent was pretty cute. She regularly had Winry fixing her stuff.
"Hey, Stepmom Dante, what's that?" Winry asked one day when she was ten, pointing at a ginormous mirror hanging on the wall.
"A mirror," Dante said. "Go tune-up the family carriage."
Winry skipped off to do so, and Dante went to the mirror. It was, in fact, more than a mirror. It was a magic mirror, and every day Dante consulted it to see if she was the most beautiful woman in Risembool. And every day, she was. But she still had to check.
"Yo, mirror!" Dante said, getting into the rhyme she had to use every day.
"I'm wonderin', wonderin'
Who it be?
Who's the fairest?
It better be me! Word."
And a floating head appeared in the mirror. The floating head was named Roy, and he replied like so:
"Yo queen, yo queen
It do be true
The hottest in the land?
It still be you."
"Yes!" Dante cheered.
And so it went for years. But as Winry grew up, she became prettier and prettier, and handier too. Soon all the servants had robot servants, and they got paid for doing nothing.
One day, when Winry had just turned sixteen, Dante primped and went to the magic mirror to drop the usual rhyme. "Yo mirror! I'm wonderin', wonderin', who it be, who's the fairest? It better be me! Word."
Roy's head appeared, but this time, he beatboxed for a couple of seconds before dropping a new rhyme.
"Yo queen, yo queen,
You gettin' kinna old
The prettiest now
Is ya girl Sun Gold."
"Say WHAT?!" Dante raged, slapping Roy upside his disembodied head. "Impossible! When did this happen?"
Roy shrugged. "I'm just a floating head. What do I look like? People or something?"
Dante stormed and raged, and anyone who came to ask what was wrong received a hearty reply of "GARRRRRRRRGH!" Finally Dante stormed to the window and looked out into the front yard, where Winry was contentedly putting together a Frankenstein-like robot in the yard.
"I must be the prettiest!" Dante exclaimed. "I won't stand for this! SUN GOLD'S GOING DOWN!" She opened her cellphone and speed-dialed.
Moments later, her somewhat loyal huntsman, Al, showed up. "You speed-dialed?" he said politely, holding up his cellphone.
"Yes," Dante said. "I want you to take Sun Gold out to the forest and totally kill her! And then bring her heart to me as proof!"
Al gasped. "But--but--Sun Gold is so nice!" he exclaimed. "And that's taking a human life! It's murder!"
"I'll give you a kitten."
So later that evening, Al took Winry out to the forest on the pretense of a date.
"Why are you carrying a knife, a gun, and a noose?"
"Uhm...good luck charms?"
So Al led her to a secluded spot, then whipped out the aforementioned deadly weapons. "Sun Gold, I gotta kill you," he said.
Al lay on the ground with a dent in his head. "So this was what you planned with those deadly weapons!" Winry exclaimed, holding her trusty wrench. "I should've known. I'll knock you senseless!"
"No! Wait! The queen ordered me to! How about I let you go?" Al tried.
Winry eyed him.
"I'll just tell her I killed you," Al went on, "and, um, then you can run off and make friends with the forest animals!"
Winry sighed. "All right," she said. "I wanted to become a traveling mechanic anyhow. Might as well start now."
"Yeah, but...well, you wouldn't happen to have a heart I can bring back as proof, would you?"
"Use this one!" Winry tossed him a mechanical heart.
Winry shrugged. "When I was eight, I convinced Dante that I had a mechanical heart."
"You had to be there."
So Winry ran off into the forest, and Al ran back to the palace with the mechanical heart. Dante used the heart as a tub stopper, convinced her problem was solved.
But unfortunately, Winry was still alive and well.
Oh wait. I'm rooting for her.
Luckily, Winry was still alive and well. She trudged through the forest, with nothing but her trusty wrench and the clothes on her back. Even that wasn't much--her boob tube and lavender pants, and those green gloves. It got very dark in the forest, and there was lightning and thunder. Trees grew evil faces and reached out to entangle Winry in their tree-twig fingers.
BASH! Winry lopped off some twigs with her wrench. "Mess with me!" she dared the scary trees. Some more ganged up on her, trying to catch her clothes and hair.
SNAP! Winry broke a couple of branches off. The trees hesitated a bit before trying again.
Wn-wee, wn-wee, KA-THUNK! Winry used her wrench to twist more branches off.
So Winry battled the scary trees all night long, not letting up until she had about twenty-six years' worth of kindling and firewood. The cuddly forest animals, having seen the battle, now feared this strange, wrench-wielding blonde, and so kept their distance. The sun finally got its lazy butt up, and Winry, exhausted, started walking again.
Fortunately, she didn't have to walk too long. She made her way out of the forest on the other side, and found a nice mansion-y type place, complete with trampoline and pool. Winry washed her hands in the pool and went inside, since no one locks their doors anymore.
Inside, it was nice enough. Except for the fact that the house was in utter disarray. Oh, it was relatively clean, but every mechanical thing in sight was busted. Even the toaster had been sliced to pieces. And it looked like someone had taken several bites out of the stove. The TV had been pimp-slapped. And a lot of the mechanics seemed to have been submerged in water.
"How TERRIBLE!" Winry cried. She whipped out her take-along toolkit and jumped on the nearest mechanical thing, which happened to be a mechanical bull that looked like it had been kicked repeatedly.
So, for the next few hours, Winry dismantled, repaired, de-dented, dried, polished, tuned-up, hugged, hammered, licked, nailed, sawed, drilled, screwdrivered, and mowed. When she was done, all the mechanics were fixed and sparkled with newness.
"Great!" Winry sighed happily, moving into the next room.
In the next room there were even more mechanics in even worse states of repair. So Winry showed them same love and abuse she had the others, and soon they were as new-looking as the others.
"There must be a plethora of messed-up mechanics in this place!" Winry exclaimed.
So she went from room to room, fixing every mechanical thing she found. When she was finally done, she exhaustedly climbed the stairs. She found her way to a giant bedroom with seven beds in it. There was a heart-shaped bed, a bed with several bite marks in it, a crooked bed, a bed with sheets in pimp colors, a beaten-up bed, a water bed, and a really fancy bed. Winry threw herself on the pimp-sheet bed and fell asleep, wrench in hand.
And she never woke up! The end.
...What? You want more? Oh, okay.
But, this isn't the end of the story. About seven hours after Winry had fallen asleep, the occupants of the house returned. And though the door wasn't locked, they kind of broke it down.
For a moment, no one spoke. They stared at their once mechanically-screwed-up home, with its now perfectly working mechanics. Then their reactions were very mixed.
"WHAT THE HELL!" three of them yelled.
"Who touched my stuff?" two of them said.
"It's dry in here," one of them said.
"TOAST!" one of them cheered.
As a group, they moved from room to room, exclaiming over the fixed mechanics. Finally they all went upstairs, finding more fixed mechanisms. They went into their community bedroom last, but once they did, it kind of went downhill from there.
"SOMEONE'S BEEN BEATING UP MY BED! I'LL KILL 'EM!"
"That was you, idiot."
"Hey, look! There's someone in my bed!"
"What else is new?"
They all crowded around the pimp-sheet bed, where Winry lay, dreaming of fields with mechanical grass and robots dancing under a heat lamp.
"What is it?"
"Is it edible?"
"I think it's a girl."
"Ooh, she's pretty!"
"What's up with the wrench?"
"She must have fixed everything."
"WHY THE HELL IS SHE HERE?"
The last screamed statement jerked Winry from her sleep, and she stared up at the faces all staring down at her with anger, hunger, confusion, annoyedness, and boredom.
"Who are you?" one asked.
"Are you edible?" a second asked.
"No!" Winry cried. "My name's Sun Gold and I ran away from home because my evil stepmom tried to have me murdered by a cat-loving huntsman. I spent all night beating up on trees, and then I came here and fixed all your stuff. I'm homeless, can I stay?"
They all exchanged glances. "What kind of name is 'Sun Gold'?" another asked.
"A dumb one," Winry said truthfully. "Everyone calls me Winry."
"While we're standing here like freaks, why don't we introduce ourselves?" another said.
One leaned forward, her bosom threatening to spill from her dress. "I'm Lust," she said, leaning back after she shared this.
"I'm Envy, and I want you out."
"I'm Gluttony, and you look tasty!"
"I'm Greed, and I agree with Gluttony."
Winry whacked him with the wrench.
"I'm Sloth, and you dried up all my water."
"I DON'T LIKE YOU ALREADY!!"
"...And that's Wrath."
"And I'm Pride, which means I'm probably better than you," Pride said.
"We're the Seven Sins," Sloth said.
"Thanks for fixing all our stuff," Envy said, "but now we have to kill you."
"Hold on," Lust said. She looked at Winry. "If we don't kill you, will you stay and continue to fix our mechanical stuff?"
Winry shrugged. "Sure, but it shouldn't fall into disrepair that--"
Just then Gluttony took a big bite out of the TV.
"Deal," Winry said.
So, Winry stayed and fixed all the mechanical stuff they skewered, kicked, ate, pimp-slapped, screamed at, drowned, and turned their noses up at. In return, they didn't kill her. Isn't that the best deal you've ever heard of?
Oh, yeah, and she got a roof over her head and food and clothes and junk.
Anyway, back at the palace...
Dante had been so pleased that Winry was killed that she hadn't even consulted her magic mirror in the months since Winry's death. In the meantime, Roy the Talking Head started to court the servant girl who came to clean him once a week.
"Hey, sexy, how ya doing?" he said, smirking sexily.
"Shut up," Riza replied, spraying Windex in his face.
So anyway, one day Dante finally decided to consult her mirror again. It had been so long, that she wanted to hear the lovely words again. So she sidled up to the mirror and smugly began to rap.
I'm wonderin', wonderin'
Who it be?
Who's the fairest?
It better be me! Word."
So Roy rapped right back.
"Yo queen, yo queen,
You gettin' kinna old
The prettiest now
Is ya girl Sun Gold."
"YOU BETTER BE DEFECTIVE!" Dante roared, raising a sledgehammer.
"H-H-Hey! I'm serious!" Roy cried in a panic. "The girl's still alive and rocking the sexy good looks, okay!"
"I HAVE HER HEART IN MY TUB!" Dante cried.
"But...that thing's made of metal."
"And? Sun Gold told me she had a mechanical heart at age eight."
Roy rolled his eyes. "Have you forgotten? That was the year her mom decreed to be April Fools' Year."
Dante stopped. "What? It was? So then, Riza lied when she said that if I paid her double I'd never chip a nail again?"
"If she said it in that year, yeah."
"DARN IT! I'VE BEEN FOOLED!" Dante dropped the sledgehammer. "Then tell me where she is!"
"Ah, ah, ah," Roy said. "You know the format."
Dante sighed and rapped.
"Mirror, oh mirror
I gotta kill her somehow
I need Sun Gold's location
So tell me right now!"
Roy nodded. "There you go." He rapped back.
"In a big nice mansion
Ya girl is chillin'
You'll find Sun Gold
Hangin' with the Seven Sins."
"What?! Those treacherous shnjkhgtgdhtghdhjh9gfpjfvds!" Dante screamed, even though I didn't use all caps.
"Well, they can't really be treacherous if they didn't swear their loyalty to you, right?" Roy asked reasonably.
"Shut up!" Dante paced. "I'll have to find a way to kill her!" She speed-dialed her vaguely loyal henchman, Kimbley.
The door suddenly blew up. Kimbley stepped through the dust cloud. "You speed-dialed?" he asked.
"Yes! Go to the mansion of the Seven Sins and completely murder my stepdaughter!" Dante ordered.
Kimbley nodded and left, blowing a hole through the wall to do so.
"She won't escape now! NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dante laughed.
Roy raised a brow. "What kind of laugh starts with 'na'?"
Back at the Sin mansion...
"All right, we're going to work," Sloth said to Winry. "Since your stepmom wants your head, it's probably best not to open the door for her if she shows up."
"Unless you don't like your head anymore," Envy said matter-of-factly.
Winry nodded, still in the middle of repairing the TV Wrath had mauled in his anger.
"Bye!" the partially friendly sins said.
The others, namely Wrath, just kind of grumbled about life and how angry he was as they left.
So Winry went on being mechanical, and later that day there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Winry called.
"Mailman with a package for Sun Gold the Dead Girl."
Winry opened the door. "That's me!" she said to Kimbley, who was dressed as a mailman. "Except the dead girl part. Hey, you look kind of familiar!"
Kimbley adjusted his clown wig. "Do I?" he said. "I get that a lot. Here." He tossed her the package.
"Really, you do look familiar," Winry went on.
"Oh, no I'm not." Kimbley adjusted his life jacket.
Winry shrugged and pulled open the package. "What--"
BOOM! It blew up in her face.
Kimbley laughed maniacally. "How do you like that, hmm?" he said, cackling. "A real package, eh? HAHAHAHA--"
Kimbley was whacked with a wrench. "I guess it's a good thing I was wearing my metal visor!" Winry said angrily.
"Oh, guess I missed that," Kimbley said, twitching on the ground.
Winry loomed over him with a wrench and a hammer. "Any last words before I pound you to a pulp?" she asked.
"Yes," Kimbley said. "I'm so very sorry for trying to kill you. Can you forgive me?"
"Awww, I love it when people apologize!" Winry cheered.
Kimbley got to his feet. "In fact, I'm so sorry, I'd like to give you this beautiful, um, tie." He took the tie from around his neck and held it out to her.
"Oh, um, thanks." Winry uncertainly took the tie and wrapped it around her neck. "I appreciate it, but--"
Kimbley suddenly grabbed the tie and tightened it so it choked Winry. She gasped, gagged, and fell to the ground.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kimbley roared triumphantly. "Now I did it! Beam me up, Scotty!"
So Scotty beamed his butt up back to the palace, where Kimbley displayed the recording of himself strangling Winry to Dante. Dante cheered like a maniac when she watched it, and skipped to the mirror. "Tell me I'm pretty!" she said.
"Uh, hello, format?" Roy said.
Dante smiled. "Even the dumb rap can't get me down!" she said. "Yo, mirror! I'm wonderin', wonderin', who it be, who's the fairest? It better be me! Word."
And Roy replied. "Yo queen, yo queen, it do be true, the fairest of the land? Again it's you."
Dante cheered. "Finally!"
Back at the scene of the crime...
So Winry laid there dead until the sins got home. They didn't even notice her absence until Lust went to open the door wider for Gluttony, and it banged into Winry.
"Who killed the mechanic? I'M GONNA BEAT 'EM UP!" Wrath raged once they dragged her body from behind the door.
Sloth untied the tie from around Winry's neck. "She's dead," Gluttony said, sounding vaguely sad. Then he perked up. "So can I eat her?"
Greed burst into loud pimp-tears and collapsed beside Winry.
"Get up, stupid!" Envy snapped, kicking him.
Pride considered, then took the wrench out of Winry's hand. Immediately Winry rose from the dead, snatched the wrench back, and whacked the nearest person with it, which happened to be Greed. He sailed across the room.
"She's alive!" the friendlier sins cried.
"DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO EVEN DIE PROPERLY?" Wrath yelled at her.
The next day...
Dante fluttered over to the mirror, giggling like a schoolgirl. "Ah, mirror," she said dreamily, "tell me the words I want to hear."
Roy's head appeared. "I would, but then I'd be lying," he commented.
Dante's good mood flew out the window. "WHAT?" she yelled.
"Listen," Roy said, and he beatboxed a bit before rapping.
"The tie, it failed
Sun Gold is back
She's alive, well, and sexy
She survived yo attack."
Dante gasped, and then took a sledgehammer to her dresser. "NO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!" she screamed. "HOW! HOW! HOW!" She accentuated each "how" with another smash to her dresser.
"Um, Dante?" Roy said timidly.
Dante whirled, hammer still raised, and Roy flinched. "Fine," she growled. "Obviously if you want something done, you have to do it yourself." She reached into the last intact drawer of her dresser and pulled out an apple.
"You're going to choke her with it?" Roy asked.
"No, stupid! It's poisoned." Dante dropped the apple in her purse and started for the door. "When I come back, Sun Gold will be dead, you hear me?"
"I hear you," Roy sighed, wishing he had been born a magic spork.
At the Sin mansion...
"Okay, we're going to work," Sloth said to Winry, who was fixing the fridge that had been repeatedly pimp-slapped.
"Don't let anyone else in, sexy," Greed added.
Winry hit him with a flying wrench.
"Yeah, this time, don't be stupid. Don't let anyone but us in," Envy said.
"Okay," Winry said.
"IF YOU DIE WE'LL KILL YOU!" Wrath yelled at her.
So they left Winry to do her mechanical thing. And she did.
Late in the afternoon, someone knocked on the door. "Who is it?" Winry called in singsong.
"It's an innocent girl who looks exactly like your stepmom but doesn't know her at all!" Dante singsonged back.
"Hmm," Winry said, considering. "Well, I can't let anyone in but the Seven Sins!"
"Oh, well, I am one of the Seven Sins!" Dante said.
"But there's only seven!" Winry replied.
"Uh, I'm their cousin, uh, Melancholy!"
That's a sin?Winry thought, confused.
"If you open the door, I'll give you a shiny new wrench!"
Winry opened the door. "Let me see it," she demanded.
"First, you must, uh, eat this apple, so I know you have a jaw strong enough to possess the wrench!" Dante said, holding out the poisoned apple.
Winry took the apple and ate the whole thing in one bite, much like Gluttony. "All right, now give me the wrench," she said.
"Aha!" Dante cried. "Stupid girl! There is no wrench, only a poisoned apple, which you just ate! Now you will drop dead, in five, four, three, two, one!"
Winry remained standing.
Silence. "So, was something supposed to happen?" Winry asked.
"Yes! You were supposed to drop dead!" Dante yelled. "Or, wait. Was that the apple I packed for my lunch?"
Winry shrugged and whipped out her wrench. "Any last words before I pound you out of existence?" she asked.
"Yes," Dante said. "I'm terribly sorry for trying to deceive and kill you, and I'd like to make up."
"Really? Awww!" Winry squealed.
Dante nodded. "And to make amends, I'd like to give you this apple...of friendship." She pulled out a solid black apple with a skull and crossbones painted in red on the side.
"That's so nice of you!" Winry said, taking the apple. "I'll treasure it forever."
"No! No!" Dante exclaimed. "We can't become friends unless you eat it! Right now! With minimal chewing so as not to dislodge the poi...friendship juice!"
Winry blinked at Dante's outburst. "Uh, okay," she said. She took a bite, but the second the poison-drenched piece hit her tongue, she fell out on the floor.
"Yes! Finally you're dead!" Dante said. Just to make sure, she took the wrench out of Winry's head, but Winry didn't stir. "AHAHAHAHAHA! FINALLY!" She dropped the wrench and used her magic cab-calling powers to get a ride back to the castle.
So Winry laid there dead until the sins came back in the evening. Once again, no one noticed her absence, until Lust tripped over her body.
"SHE DIED AGAIN?!" Wrath screamed. "I AM SO MAD!"
"I can't cry any more pimp-tears," Greed said.
Pride sighed. "Well, someone move the body, it's blocking the walkway!"
So they dumped her on the sofa.
"What do we do with her?" Envy asked.
"I guess bury her," Sloth said.
"Yeah, if we did something nice like put her in a glass coffin so the world could see her beauty, she'd probably start to decompose," Lust agreed.
So they carried her outside and up on a hill. Gluttony ate a giant hole into the ground. Lust carved the following into a tombstone:
Here lies Sun Gold
or That Mechanic
or Hey You
Sometime 16 yrs ago - Sometime today
"Anyone want to say a few words?" Pride asked as they dumped her body on a sheet they'd lower into the hole.
"She was good at fixing stuff," Lust said.
"Yes, the mechanical stuff never looked better," Sloth said.
"She always looked tasty," Gluttony reminisced.
"SHE MADE ME SO MAD!" Wrath raged.
"She had all the good stuff," Envy said enviously.
"She was sexy for a grease-covered mechanic," Greed sighed.
"I had yet another person to look good next to in comparison," Pride said.
So they prepared to drop her into a hole. But just then, a whistle blew.
"WE'RE ARRIVED AT RISEMBOOL FOREST!" a conductor screamed.
They had decided to bury Winry next to a train station.
A bunch of people got off, kind of ruining the moment. The sins waited impatiently until it was clear, then started to lift the sheet.
"Hey, what are you guys doing?"
They looked up to see a guy in red and black who happened to have his full name, Edward Elric, on the back of his coat, watching them curiously. "Burying a sexy mechanic that died recently," Greed stated. "What's it look like?"
"Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a rich prince, would you?" Lust asked.
"Could you kiss Winry? I read somewhere that kisses from rich princes reverse the effects of recent poisoning," Lust said.
Greed looked disappointed that he wasn't a rich prince.
Ed shrugged. "Okay." He stepped over, and Gluttony blocked him and Winry from the screen. Ed kissed Winry, and then she sat up suddenly, grabbed her wrench, and bashed the nearest person over the head, which happened to be Gluttony.
"Hey, what's up?" Ed said.
"Oh, hi!" Winry said, spitting out the piece of poisoned apple.
"She's alive!" the friendlier sins cheered.
"YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO DIE, DO YOU?" Wrath yelled at Winry.
Ed was now reading the tombstone. "Hey, uh, which of these do you go by?" he asked, pointing to the name and five nicknames.
"Sun Gold or Winry," Winry answered.
"Hey, I just noticed!" Greed exclaimed. "She's a thousand times sexier now!"
He was generally ignored, as everyone else had noticed but figured it was so obvious they didn't need to say anything.
"Well, you don't know me, at all really," Ed said, "but would you like to marry me anyhow?"
"Hmm, I don't know," Winry said. "Like you said, I don't know you. Marrying someone is a lifelong commitment, and I really want to love the person I marry."
"I have automail," Ed said, pushing up his right sleeve.
"DEAL!" Winry cheered.
So they decided to get married. Ed used his awesome suit-of-armor-calling abilities to call a suit of armor, and he crammed his future bride and the sins into it, got on its shoulders, and it carried them to his swank palace.
Once there, all the guests were there, as well as all the stuff set up. "I just kind of had the feeling I'd meet my future wife today," Ed said as an answer to the eight quizzical looks he got.
So Winry quickly got ready, and they got married really fast. Everyone made a break for the reception room, since Gluttony was there, but he was faster, and he ate about half the food before anyone could get to it.
Everyone had been invited, including Dante, Roy the Head in the Mirror, and Riza, though the last two really weren't all that important. Riza had finally decided she liked Roy, and so she carried his mirror around. Roy sighed with bliss. Or, some emotion like that.
"I can't see this incredibly sexy bride everyone's talking about!" Dante sighed, having been seated behind a bunch of tall freaks.
"It's Sun Gold," Roy told her.
"WHAT!" Dante screamed, kind of drawing attention.
"Well, it is," Roy said in a what-can-you-do? tone.
In a rage Dante picked up a chair. "YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME!" she screamed, intending to bash the mirror with the chair.
"DON'T HURT ME!" Roy cried, having no way to defend himself.
"I got this," Riza said, whipping out a gun. She shot Dante. Dante dropped the chair and collapsed.
Several people gasped. "DEAD BODY!" Gluttony cheered, lunging over to eat her. Lust and Sloth stopped him, not wanting to cause another scene.
"Hey! No murder at my wedding!" Winry said, coming over with Ed. "Oh, wait, it's my stepmom. Well, that's okay then."
"I didn't kill her," Riza said. "It was just a rubber bullet. She'll revive eventually."
However, Dante crumbled into dust.
"What the heck?" Winry said in surprise.
"The authoress says she had to," Roy, the closest thing to a connection to the authoress. "She didn't want to outright kill Dante, because that wouldn't be funny, but she didn't want to let her live, because Dante is evil. Hence, Dante crumbled into dust."
There was a moment's silence as they considered that perfectly sound reasoning.
"Well, whatever!" Winry finally said. "Call the janitor and let's get this party started!"
The deejay put on some good music, and everyone started doing the Macarena. Some janitor vacuumed up Dante's remains. Gluttony ate some chairs. Wrath destroyed his sixth stress reliever. And they all lived nappily ever after, since relaxers hadn't been invented yet.
Yay! Now credits.
Queen Sarah, I Think--Winry's Mom, we think
The Nonexistent King--Winry's Dad, we hope
Servant 1--Greg Gillespie
Servant 2--Karda Hojac
Servant 3--A cousin who can't act very well
Princess Sun Gold/Winry--Winry Rockbell
Queen Dante--Lyra "Dante" Lewis
Roy the Rapping Head in the Mirror--Roy Mustang's head
Al the Somewhat Loyal Huntsman--Alphonse Elric
Evil Trees--Basque Grand, Shou Tucker, Elysia Hughes, Marta the Snake Lady, Alex Armstrong, Scar, and Risty May Fernandez
Wrath--himself, but angrier
Riza The Mirror Cleaner--Riza Hawkeye
Kimbley the Vaguely Loyal Henchman--Zolf Kimbley
Screaming Conductor--some screaming guy we found at a rock concert
Prince Ed--Edward Elric
Tall Freaks at the Wedding--some people from the Armstrong family
The Authoress--Zilo! (duh)
Wedding Deejay--Kagome Higurashi
no animals were harmed in the making of this fanfic. But the humans suffered plenty!
all stunts were done by the actors.
Brought to you by a fangirl and this llama. Moo.