Disclaimer: Don't own anything, only Yuki's feelings and this story.

Warnings: M/M, angst, cutting, mental illness, caring Yuki!!

Shuichi's POV


Hi. My name is Shuichi Shindou. I'm 24 year old, 1,65m tall and the lead singer in a band called Bad Luck.

I want to tell you a little story about my life. It's not a big deal, but I fear this might be my only and last chance to write on Yuki's computer. My hands are getting numb, so please read my story.


Recently, my life has been a little complicated. I'm working my ass off, singing every single day. My crazy manager, K, is always kidnapping me in the morning and dragging me off to NG studio, where I'm recording my songs. Sometimes, I'm even singing at concerts. That's always an amazing experience. People are always jumping and yelling, squealing and shouting how good I am. It's kind of a good feeling. One of the few moments when I'm actually happy.

But the only person I want to hear it from is my lover.

But he never tells me.

Instead, he's always telling me to shut up, to leave him in peace and quit bugging him.

To disappear.

That's what he said yesterday, and the day before that.

And so many other times.

He told me to die. If you don't believe me, here are his exact words;

"Damn brat! You're always such a nuisance. Quit bugging me, and piss off!"

"Just die already.", and I don't know what possessed him in that moment, but he actually slapped me after saying those horrible words. My cheek hurts, but what's worse, my heart aches even more.

Yuki stared weirdly at his hand. The hand that had the honour of hitting his stupid and worthless lover. I didn't have time to analyze his expression; I just had to get out of there, and that fast.

To do his bidding.

And I've tried, I assure you. I don't know how much I've tried. I knew I couldn't leave Yuki voluntarily, so I had to do the other thing he said.

First, I cut myself. Seven cuts on each arm, some of them pretty serious. I think I was gone in two seconds, before Hiro found me and brought me to the hospital. I will never forgive him for that.

I didn't die then.

After that, I've tried to drown myself in the sea. I bound my legs, so I wouldn't manage to swim up again on reflex. I think I actually saw a light, before someone dragged me up from the water. It was K. I despise him so much.

I didn't die then either.

Finally, I tried to jump of a building. This time, it was my lover who tried to rescue me. I didn't see his face when he screamed for me to stop. I didn't turn around when he tried to grab my arm and yank me back to safety, to his safe arms. It was too late.

But as the idiot I am, I choose to jump from a block with only 4 floors.

I jumped from Yuki's block.

I jumped….

Everything seemed to stop. When I fell, I saw my entire life flash before me, from my birth, the beginning of life, to this point, my ending. Above me, Yuki was screaming, but I didn't hear him. I didn't hear anything. I couldn't think anything.

I didn't see any light this time. Only blackness and it was consuming me.


Light shall find the one who seeks it

There will always be light


I hear a loud beeping sound in the distant. It's so annoying.

"Turn it off. Please turn it off."

I opened my eyes, and scanned the room I apparently was placed in. Everything was painted in white and the smell was intoxicating, in a bad way. How depressing.

I sighed. Yuki was right all along. I'm nothing but an incompetent loser.

I didn't manage to die now either.

Some people in white coats enter the room. They're examining me, asking me questions, but I don't feel like answering them. Mainly because I can't.

I'm so numb and I can't move my body.

Suddenly, I hear a loud, familiar voice yelling my name. And there he stands.

My lover. My white knight in shining armour.

He fights the doctors and nurses, trying approach me. I want him to. Can't those stupid people leave us alone? I want my Yuki. I want to be with my only love.

I don't want to see my parents

I don't want to see my sister

I don't want to see Hiro, or any other of my friends.

I want my lover.

Finally, Yuki manage to get through those stupid quacks. He sits down by my bed and takes my hand, caressing it gently.

And he kissed it.

He kissed my hand!

I can't believe it! He actually kissed my hand!! Oh Yuki.

And he's whispering some words, comforting words, and it almost makes me cry.

"Everything is going to be fine."

"Just don't give up."

"I'm here."

"I'm so sorry.". His voice is drunk with regrets, and his eyes are glistering with unshed tears.

That's my last vision, before I fell unconscious again.


Five days later


Five minutes have passed since I came home with Yuki. Or, well, not my home. Yuki always said that I didn't belong here after all. What was I thinking? Of course this is not my home.

But still, Yuki did take me here.

Before we left the hospital, I heard a loud argument between Yuki and my parents. My mom and dad wanted me to come home with them, but my blonde lover refused. Yuki was fighting for me! He wanted me to come with him, to his apartment.

I don't know how the argument ended, but Yuki was taking me with him, so I guess my folks didn't mind too much. Or maybe they didn't have any choice. Who knows?

I find myself giggling slightly. When Yuki wants something he gets it, no matter what.

And I'm so happy he wants me.


He carries me inside his apartment, cradling me closely, like I would disappear if he didn't. I love being held in those strong arms. It makes me feel safe and wanted.

And he's saying those words. Those words I always wanted to hear when I come home from work.

"Welcome home, baka."

And he says it so gently while he's kissing my forehead. I can't believe this is the same Yuki who yelled at me and called me names for less then six days ago. What a change.

And he also said that this is my home.

If I knew he would act like this, just because I tried to kill myself, I would have done that a long time ago.


Two weeks have passed since the incident. I can barley move. My body is still paralyzed.

But seriously, I don't mind.

Yuki have never paid so much attention to me as he has these last two weeks. I'm even allowed to sleep in his bed now.

Every nigh, he would gently tuck me in and kiss my lips softly, (and I got to say, I love it when he kisses me gently, without having to ask him) before he goes to the bathroom. He thinks I can't hear anything anymore, but I do.

I can hear him when he cries behind the bathroom door.

I can almost hear the fat drops of tears hitting the floor.

And when he does, I want to cry with him.

But I can't.

It's almost like a ritual now. Every time after he tucks me into bed, he goes to the bathroom and cries alone. When he comes out, he's laying himself next to me, holding me close to his body.

And he's saying those three, little words I've been dying to hear. It was like my call in life to hear those words from my most important person. And now, he's saying them.

"I love you."

Finally, I'm able to cry with him.

Wow, my first angsty story. Don't know how that went….Think it was too fluffy--

Well, if you like it, please tell me.

By that I mean review.

Next chapter will be told from Yuki's POV. Maybe you will get some answers, like why Yuki was such a bastard in the beginning, and his feelings for what happened. I promise you, he's going to suffer, hehe. (No offence. I love Yuki, but I love a regretful Yuki even more)

In other words, everything in the story happens for a reason. If you think the beginning was weird, you will see why in third chapter. Well most likely.

But I will post the chapter after 11 reviews, or more.

Devil's Backbone