Disclaimer: This is a non aurthorized use of the Scrubs characters. I own none of this.
This is the result of a dream I had one night, and it tickled me so, I had to write a fic about it. I'm not sure what season this should take place in, but it's not quite an AU. It is what it is. And Dr. Webber is a character I created for the sole purposes of deus ex maxhina.
"Blonde doctor!" he shouted, snapping his fingers and waving her over.
Elliot approached cautiously, her eyebrows raised. There wasn't a dead animal in his hand, no visible telltale "x" marked on the floor, and he wasn't smiling with a self-satisfied smirk. In fact, his harmlessness made him all the more frightening. Elliot stopped a few feet before reaching him. "What?" she asked, trying to sound impatient, hoping that her nervousness didn't come through. She was a strong, independent woman, and she knew it. But that didn't make the janitor any less scary.
"I have a thing tonight," he informed her matter-of-factly. "Top secret, can't disclose information about it."
Elliot waited patiently for more to come, but it didn't seem to be. Nodding politely, she said "Okay... sounds like fun." Still, he said nothing. Now actually impatient, Elliot turned on her heels and started away.
"I'll give you fifty bucks to go," the janitor called behind her.
That stopped her, and a few other doctors who were passing by, on the spot. Elliot spun back around, put out and very confused. "Did... did you just offer me fifty dollars to go somewhere with you?"
"Okay, seventy-five," he conceded, snapping a crisp hundred dollar bill in front of her.
She pointed at the bill. "But that's a hundred."
"Yeah, well, I need change."
Baffled, Elliot rolled her eyes. "But that's not the point!" she squeaked. "I am not a hooker, I'm not gonna let you pay me to go out with you tonight."
"Okay then, I won't pay you. Meet here at seven?"
She had to think about it a moment. "Wait, I didn't agree to-"
"You just said I couldn't pay you to go," Janitor informed her. "Which indicates you're willing to go for free."
Dr. Cox, feeling full of himself as usual, hopped up onto the counter of the nurses' station beside Carla and JD. "What's Barbie shrieking about like a poodle?"
"Apparently she has a date tonight," Carla informed him, her voice low but her tone awestruck. "With the janitor."
Perry snorted. "You're kidding."
"Yeah, it was clever," JD informed him. "Tricked her right into it."
"First he called her a hooker, and then she offered her services for free, and he accepted and she doesn't want to anymore." JD paused a moment. "No, there's more to it then that. Something that makes Elliot less..."
"Of a whore?" Carla finished for him.
"Exactly," he grinned.
"I did not say I would go for free!" Elliot cried out, her voice starting to reach that incomprehensible pitch where coyotes would soon start to howl.
"We were negotiating a price before," he reminded her patiently. "But then you said I couldn't pay you, which either means my money isn't good enough for you because you're a doctor and I'm a janitor-"
"No," Elliot interrupted, "I didn't mean that-"
"-or it means you are more than willing to be a free escort for the evening."
"Speaking as the official referee," Dr. Cox announced, "of every situation where Barbie backs herself into a neat little corner, I'm gonna have to judge in favor of Janitor on this one. See, Barbs, you did say he couldn't pay you, which indicated you were willing to go, but the price was still in negotiation stage. If you had not been willing to participate at all, you would have indicated as such with a much simpler 'I am not going', or 'I wouldn't even go if you paid me'."
"He's right," Janitor agreed. "You pretty much signed yourself into a legally binding oral contract."
"But I meant to say I didn't want to," Elliot protested feebly.
"Ah, but what you say and what you mean are apparently two different things. Now I offered money, and being a lady you said no. So, being a gentleman, I respect your wishes and shall let you attend without pay."
She didn't know how, or even why, but sometime in the past five minutes, Elliot had agreed to accompany the janitor on a date this evening. She had no idea where they were going or what she should wear. It was crazy, and she knew it, but somehow or other she had been defeated. "Okay, fine," she conceded.
He smiled. "Good. Look nice. He likes his guests to dress up."
Looking solemn, Janitor grabbed his mop bucket and started wheeling away. "I've said too much," he told her.
Elliot, Perry, JD and Carla watched him walk away. "I can't believe this," Elliot exclaimed. "How did he do that?"
"My guess, and this is just a stab in the dark, is that you're easily manipulated, Barbie."
"You know what, Dr. Cox? You're not helping! In fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this mess!"
"You know," Carla said kindly, "you could always just not go, Elliot. It would be pretty fair, seeing as how he sort of conned you into it to begin with."
"Hmm, I don't think so," JD interjected. "I think he'd come to her house and drag her out by now, bunny slippers or not." Eyes glazing over, JD's mind wound itself a pretty tale of the janitor bursting down Elliot's door, tossing her over his shoulder and carrying her out into the night. "Kinda romantic," he crooned to no one in particular.
"Carla," a voice interrupted, "do you have the chart for Mr. Perot yet?"
"Sure, right here." Carla handed a chart to a small, quiet-looking woman in her late twenties. She was petite, curvy, and her name was Dr. Jane Webber. She had been transfered to Sacred Heart (she said) via the witness protection program. No one knew whether or not to believe her, and no one really wanted to ask because, frankly, it was very interesting having someone who was hiding from the Russian Mafia in their hospital. It was even more interesting to watch Dr. Webber's reaction whenever a Russian patient was admitted.
Dr. Cox was grinning like the devil himself. "This is possibly the best moment I've had all year."
"It's not funny," Elliot whined, mostly because she knew if it were anyone else in her position, it would be terribly funny. "What am I supposed to talk about with him?"
"With who?" Dr. Webber asked.
"Janitor," Perry chorlted. "They have a hot date tonight."
Jane nodded, reviewing the chart before her. "About time," she mumbled.
No one knew quite what to say. JD exchanged gloriously scandalized looks with Carla, Perry's eyes lit up like hell fire, and Elliot's face turned a fun shade of paler than paper.
"About time?" Elliot repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Dr. Webber's face went solemn. "I've said too much," she murmured, walking quickly away.