Disclaimer- If you want to blame someone for the genius of Alice in Wonderland, blame Carroll
Reginald, "Reg," Theophilius the third was busy tucking into his fifth cup of tea that hour. Drinking greedily of the mellow beverage, he swallowed happily the last milky sweet droplets from the cup. With a contented sigh he tossed the cup over his shoulder and started to reach for another one when a small, dainty hand caught his.
Glancing up, he scowled at the petite blond that stood between him and his daily dosage of a fine cup of Earl Grey. "Cricket, if you insist on joining us at tea time then I must equally insist that we go along with the purpose of the party, namely to drink tea."
An elegant frown crossed her normally serene features, her bluebell eyes staring at him confusedly, "Excuse me, Mr. Theophilius." She gestured at various empty, half empty and some still full, cups that popped up around the table like a mini army ready for battle against the momeraths, "But I've sat here watching you for the past half hour drinking cup, after cup….aren't you full yet?" A snort from across the table by the March Hare should have warned the pair but Alice was too curious to heed his warning. "I mean to say," she clarified, a rosy flush creeping up her face to the Hatter's delight, "Do you never have the need to…utilize the facilities?" Embarrassed, she glanced away, appalled at what she had just asked. Her mother would have been furious!
An ill muffled titter at the other end of the table finally caught Alice's attention. Blushing deeper, she could feel her face burning and fought the urge to smirk at the confused expression on Reginald's face. A quick glance through the smoke filled atmosphere showed Alice that even the Dormouse was laughing, his teapot jumping from side to side erratically and the lid clinking from the movement.
Confused, Reg scratched his head, his trademark hat falling far back on his head. Facilities? What in the hell did the filly mean by that? Frustrated at being out of the loop, he glared at her and only grabbed another full cup of tea. Taking a small sip, he watched over the rim of the slightly cracked blue china (his mother's old pattern) as Ears sat stiffly in his seat. But Reg knew better, his old friend's ears were twitching madly, which meant that he was fighting the urge to do something. And from the way his eye was also twitching he could tell it was laughter that was trying to fight its way out.
Finishing his sixth cup within the hour, he set it down and smirked at the blonde, "And what facilities are you describing Miss Liddell?" Watching her, he was charmed to see her squirm in her seat as she tried desperately to not catch his eye. Deliberately, he slid a full steaming cup of tea over to her and sat there with his fingers steepled beneath his chinning staring at her.
With a wicked glint in his eyes, he nodded at the cup, "Care for more Cricket?"
Alice jerked her chin up and glared at him, "Again, Mr. Theophilius, I say that I cannot have more when I haven't even been able to have one!"
"CLEAN CUP! MOOOOOOOOOVE DOWN!" Cried Ears, as he tossed aside his own cup and bounded around the table. Reg bounced up and shoved Alice from her seat, pushing her around the table until they were sitting down again. Comfortably, Reg fixed his hat on his head as the Hare straightened his tie. Alice just sat there, her dress askew and wrinkled, and her hair blown around her head in a frowsy mess from the mandhandling by the Hatter.
"I'm sorry?" Reginald looked up from his fresh cup of tea at Alice, his face screwed up in confusion. "Aren't we drinking tea? Where'd this water nonsense come from? Really Miss Liddell, if you can't make any sense-"
"Niagra Falls," a fierce look entered Alice's face, her eyes fixed firmly on the Hatter. On the other side of the table, the Hare understood what she was doing and plugged up his ears so that he wouldn't hear what was about to happen.
"Rushing, gushing, pulsing, pounding WATER!" Alice cried, standing up, her hands firmly on her hips. Her cup and the cups around her flying across the table in disarray at the movement; Reginald watched as the cups squeaked and squealed as they were jolted around.
"Careful!" he said loudly, as he cradled a few of the whimpering cups in his arms, "They're sensitive! Aren't you babies?" he cooed at his armful.
Disturbed, Alice glanced at the Ears and the Dormouse but both were sagely nodding along with the Hatter. "Stuff and nonsense," she muttered under her breath, "Rivers, oceans, fjords!" she said loudly, amused at the sight before her.
Something was finally happening. A strange look had entered the Hatter's face, as he fidgeted uncomfortably. Still standing, he danced a little on the spot and glared at Alice, "What did you do!"
Satisfied, Alice crossed her arms and smirked, Ears unplugged his long, brown ears and chuckled heartily.
"Reg I think she got you."
Pugnaciously, Reginald stuck up his nose in defiance, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Marchy" But his movements belied his discomfort and Alice couldn't help but laugh as he performed a quick little jig.
Snatching up a scone, she lazily slathered it with honey and took a small bite. Swallowing the morsel with delight, she chuckled to the Hare, "Well, if I had know I was going to get dinner and a show I would not have put up quite the fuss when you asked me over Mr. Hare."
"What did you do to me!" Reg whined, as his body movements got sharper. He had no idea what was wrong with him, but he felt this strange urge….but he had no idea to do what! It was incredibly uncomfortable!
Alice shrugged innocently, but her bright blue eyes were twinkling devilishly, "Oh, I did nothing to you Mr. Theophilius-"
"Reg" he growled at her, his leg bouncing desperately for some relief.
She ignored his interruption, "-instead, I do believe it is what you did to yourself."
"What?" he whined, almost to the point of pain. By this point, he was squirming so much, it looked like he was trying to perform some intricate salsa dance move.
Ears shook his head sadly and glanced at Alice in embarrassment, "Time truly has never forgiven us for beating it that one time at the Queen's gala." Rolling his eyes, he caught Reg's glance and nodded his head behind him towards his house, "Reg, go inside and…ahem…use the facilities," the Hare stressed, heavily.
As if a lightbulb had dawned on him, Reginald dashed from the table so quickly that his hat didn't have time to catch up, and instead fell heavily to the ground in a THUD. Laughing at the sight of the most annoying man in the park running towards the house in desperation, Alice smirked at Ears.
"That's what you get when you drink so much tea."
This drabble as thought of late at night when I was talking to a friend of mine, characters based on the deviantart of Brichan. I was watching the 1999 version of Alice in Wonderland and listened to the characters dicussing how they had been to tea for several days straight and couldn't help but wonder if they ever had the time to go to the restroom lol So this popped into my head and i just LOVE BriChan's work, fabulous!