TITLE: 'I do believe you're jealous:' Five times House was jealous about Wilson (and one time he wasn't)
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with Universal Media Studios.
SUMMARY: Jealous!House on various occasions, some more warranted than others. Featuring in absentia: Arlene Marks, the third interview candidate from 1.19 Kids; James, Cuddy's vanishing assistant from 2.01 Acceptance; Blake Hansen, who left Wilson an answering machine message in 2.15 Clueless; Howard, House's defense lawyer in 3.11 Words and Deeds; Robin, the high-class hooker in 3.18 Airborne; And finally, Henry the Ridiculously Old Fraud, fired by House in 4.04 Guardian Angels.
BETA: the wonderful bornbeautiful
'I do believe you're jealous:' Five times House was jealous about Wilson (and one time he wasn't)
1 - Dr. Arlene Marks, the third interview candidate in 1.19 Kids
Wilson was walking down the corridor away from his office when House appeared and fell into step beside him.
"You were seen drinking coffee with a strange woman in the cafeteria," House said, without beating round the bush.
Wilson grimaced, "Your radar must have satellite delay; that was the day before yesterday."
"I've had other things to do, like getting Cameron to come back and work for me," said House. "And don't think I haven't noticed you changing the subject."
Wilson sighed, "That was Dr. Marks, who turned up for a job interview with you, even called to confirm. And you should have interviewed her, but instead walked out on her without even asking her a question. I asked her if she wanted her parking validated, and—"
"And then you offered to validate her in another way. Preying on unsuccessful fellowship applicants now, are we?"
They arrived at the elevator and House stabbed the down button with his cane.
"Surely Dr. Petra Gilmar was more your type, being Jewish n'all," House continued.
"Isn't this where you're supposed to remind me that I'm married?" Wilson said irritably.
"You seem to have done that for me," House retorted. "Seeing her again?"
Wilson's eyes dropped and House groaned. "You are?"
"She's thinking about applying for a fellowship here in OB-GYN. I said I'd help her prep for her interview."
The elevator door opened and they both stepped inside.
"Well, if your date's tonight, cancel," House said, as the doors closed behind them. "You're coming over to my place after work. And bring some ties."
"Ties?" Wilson said, bewildered. Then he grinned. "Are you sure? After what happened last time—"
"Not that," House cut him off, but grinned too. "I've got my dinner date with Cameron this evening. And I have no idea where my tie is anymore. Whereas you own enough hideous ties to kit out every man in Cafe Spiletto, and that's only counting the fistful you keep in your bottom drawer at work."
"Sure, I'll come over," Wilson said easily. "Or you could just take the one I'm wearing now?"
House looked at Wilson, and then stepped up close to scrutinize the tie that Wilson was wearing. It had broad blue and narrow maroon stripes. It really wasn't a very attractive tie. Wilson felt House breathe gently on his face, as House put a finger on the knot of the tie. Then House ran his hand down its length, and gave it a gentle tug.
"Naw," House said gruffly. "Too ugly. Anyway, Cameron might actually notice if I turned up for our date wearing the same tie you'd been wearing today. Wouldn't want her to get the right idea."
The elevator doors opened. House let Wilson's tie fall from his fingers, then he strode out with his cane and headed across the lobby. Wilson walked out more slowly, smiling.
Wilson reached for his cellphone, and flipped it open to call Arlene to rearrange their meeting.
2 - James, Rutgers graduate and Cuddy's vanishing assistant from 2.01 Acceptance
House limped into Wilson's office and plumped himself down on a chair.
"I just met Cuddy's new secretary," House announced. "It's a boy. And Cuddy's named him after you."
"James?" Wilson looked up from behind a towering pile of files. "Yeah, he seems very nice."
House raised his eyebrows. "Nice? Wanker, I thought. When did you meet him?"
"Yesterday. I found him wandering around the second floor. He was lost, so I rescued him and bought him coffee in the cafeteria," Wilson explained.
House's eyebrows hit his hair line.
Wilson pretended not to notice. "We had a nice chat. He went to Rutgers, you know."
"I know. He must use that pick-up line on everybody." House leaned forward and picked up a small stuffed puppy sitting on Wilson's desk. "Hey, you can be The Two James's. James and James. Actually, one of you will have to be Jimmy so we don't all get confused. You get first call as you were here first."
"House..." Wilson said in a long-suffering tone.
"Or you can form a Facebook group. People Called James Who Work at Princeton Plainsboro And Went to Decent Universities," House intoned.
"House, you have to shut up now as I really have to get through these files," Wilson said warningly.
House shrugged, got up and walked out. He took the toy puppy with him. Wilson noticed but didn't say anything; it wasn't worth a possible further conversation.
Wilson didn't expect James to be around for very long. Cuddy's assistants were notoriously driven to near insanity by House within a short space of time, and the record long stay Wilson could recall was about six months. But even Wilson was surprised when James disappeared within a week, and was never seen again.
3 - Blake Hansen, the guy whose answering machine message House deleted in 2.15 Clueless
"Have you gotten a lawyer yet?" House asked.
Wilson started to stutter, opening and closing his mouth a few times, and House carried on, "You even called one? As long as you're here, it's just a fight. As soon as you get a place, then it's a divorce." He paused, and added. "Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about."
Wilson stood speechless for a minute, then sat down, head whirling, seeing all House's pranks over the previous few days in a new light.
House, swigging from a bottle of beer, looked at him, and added, "You don't want to trust anyone with a name like Blake Hansen, anyway."
Wilson was bewildered. "You... checked out the guy who was going to rent me an apartment?"
"Sure," House said breezily. "You don't want to be living in just anyone's apartment. They could be complete psychos."
"Of course, it would be a dereliction of your duty not to," Wilson said ironically.
"Good thing I did." House was brisk. "You know, he never even had a better offer when he left that first message, he was just trying to get more money out of you. Slimy bastard."
"Isn't that part of the job description for real estate?" Wilson asked. "And I guess that by the time he left the third message, he really did have another offer."
House shrugged. "You don't want to deal with a guy with hair like that. He must spend even more time blow-drying it in the morning than you do."
"Obviously I should just move in with him, and we can dry our hair together," Wilson said, being provocative now. "I hadn't thought of it before, but he's not bad looking. He obviously works out—"
Wilson was cut off as House suddenly moved towards him and crushed him in an embrace. A minute later, House released Wilson's mouth from his own, and hissed in Wilson's ear. "Don't fucking joke about it."
4 - Howard, House's defense lawyer who didn't have to do too much in the end in 3.11 Words and Deeds
"Is this... an apology?" Wilson asked, amazed.
"Part of the program," said House. "If you don't like it I can stop."
"Not at all, it's just so... unfamiliar. Please, keep going," Wilson said hastily.
House smiled, a proper, genuine smile, and this was such a rare event in recent months that Wilson caught his breath.
"You don't really expect me to," said House.
"No," Wilson admitted, and smiled back.
For a minute they locked eyes. Wilson reached out ever so slightly to touch House's arm. House extended his leg a little to brush Wilson's foot. These tiny gestures felt like huge steps to Wilson. He wanted to reach out more, to clasp House's arm properly, to - but it was public, they were sitting in the rehab lounge, and Voldemort was standing with arms folded on the other side of the room. And Wilson supposed that a kiss full on the mouth would be interpreted as drug-smuggling, quite apart from anything else. He flicked House's arm lightly with his fingers and moved back a small distance.
"So, court tomorrow," Wilson said. "Fun and games."
House's face dimmed. "Yeah. Well, it'll give you a chance to chat Howard up again."
House put his hand in the bag Wilson had given him, and pulled out the red tie.
Wilson's eyes widened in disbelief, "I'm sorry? You're talking about—your defense lawyer."
"Yeah. I saw you chatting away to him in court the other day. Bosom buddies that you are." House started winding the tie around his hand.
"House, we were talking about you." Wilson might have been annoyed, but instead found himself amused, still buoyant on the back of House's apology. "Mostly. He's married, with a baby on the way, you know."
"I'm not paying him four-fifty an hour to talk to you about that sort of thing. Anyway, baby on the way? He's probably not getting any at home." House finished wrapping the tie, bandage-like, around his hand.
Wilson leaned forward, took the end of the tie, and flipped it a couple of times back round House's hand. He twisted the end of the tie around his own little finger. "I have to go. I'm sorry, you're just too cute when you're jealous."
"Fuck off," House said, but there was no rancor in it.
Wilson pushed the tie off his finger and handed the end back to House. He left the rehab wing, and hummed cheerfully to himself in the elevator on the way down to his office. It had been months since House had acted jealous of anyone - Nurse Wendy was the last time Wilson could recall. Wilson felt it showed House was coming through this terrible ordeal and getting back to normal.
5 - Robin, the high-class hooker Wilson phoned at the end of 3.18 Airborne
Wilson opened the door and went into his hotel room. He was surprised to see House, sitting on the couch, channel hopping.
"Hey, House." Wilson shut the door behind him. "You're back from Singapore. How was it?"
House hit the remote and turned the TV off, "Boring. Flight home was a ball, though. Korean diver with the bends and mass hysteria on board, including Cuddy."
"Sounds like an average flight for you," Wilson said, deadpan.
"Where've you been? It's two AM." House rose to his feet and limped around the couch to where Wilson was standing, shrugging off his jacket.
House peered at Wilson. Then House moved forward suddenly and kissed Wilson on the mouth. Wilson, caught by surprise, didn't initially react.
Then House backed off and said accusingly, "You've had sex!"
Wilson's eyelids flickered.
House shook his head, "What was it, a hooker?" He spoke sarcastically, but seeing Wilson's eyes flicker again, House's eyes widened. "It was. For Christ's sake, I go away for a few days and you have to get laid."
"House." Wilson was annoyed. "You didn't even tell me you were going away. I only found out when a patient seized on me in the clinic and you weren't there. And I didn't go looking for a hooker! She came in the hospital as a visitor. Accompanying my patient. As she was, um, with her at the time."
"Aw, ain't that sweet?" House mocked. "Not just a hooker, but a hooker with a heart of gold. And lesbian tendencies." He grabbed his own jacket from the back of the couch and moved towards the door. "Well, let me tell you, I've got a hot flight attendant waiting for me in New York every Monday."
House slammed the door behind him.
Wilson stood in his room, bewildered as to what had just taken place.
And finally - Henry the Ridiculously Old Fraud, fired by House in 4.04 Guardian Angels.
The three of them sat in House's apartment, watching the ball game on TV, drinking beer, House and Wilson on the couch, Henry in the armchair. Conversation flowed easily from the game to Monster Trucks to General Hospital and back again to the game.
Wilson was sitting with tie loosened, shirtsleeves rolled up, his feet up on the couch, shoes off, socked feet a few inches from House's leg. Wilson watched Henry chat animatedly to House, he watched House laugh, and respond.
"You play poker, Scooter?" House asked.
"If the company's right," Henry replied.
"Thursday night is my poker night. Here. Seven o'clock, bring chips," House ordered.
Wilson snorted in amusement. "Wow, you are privileged, Henry. I don't even get to come to House's poker night."
"I'm guessing that's because you can beat him," Henry said with a smile.
"That's an outrageous slander," House said indignantly.
"House just doesn't like me lying to him, even at poker," Wilson said easily.
Wilson leaned back on the arm of the couch, and pushed his feet forward slightly, casually, until his toes were resting ever so lightly against House's thigh.
House glanced at Wilson, a slightly quizzical look, as if to say Watch out, he'll see, Wilson smiled gently back, wide-eyed, innocent. Wilson could see that Henry had noticed, though was deliberately not reacting.
A short while later, Wilson was returning from the bathroom and saw House was in the kitchen, looking into the fridge. Wilson slipped into the kitchen and walked up behind House. He stood right behind House and pressed his body up against House's back, rubbing his hard-on against House's ass.
"Whoa," said House, standing still with the fridge door still open. "You need to cool down."
"Get rid of him," Wilson muttered in House's ear, and nuzzled House's neck.
House made a humming noise deep in his throat, a mixture of appreciation and contemplation. Then he said, "Wilson, I do believe you're jealous."
"No, I'm not. I'm always telling you that you should have more friends your own age. Ouch!" House had stuck an elbow backwards and got Wilson in the chest. "Honest, I am pleased! But... I just don't want him right here, right now. You'll see him again on Thursday anyway,"
House leaned his body backwards slightly, pushing his ass against Wilson's cock. "You could at least have the manners to wait until the game's over."
Wilson nibbled at House's ear. "Fuck the game."
"I should go," Henry said from the kitchen doorway.
House and Wilson both started slightly, but Wilson didn't move away from House, and House didn't move away from Wilson.
"Don't let Wilson's appalling rudeness drive you away," House said smoothly. Wilson rested his chin on House's shoulder and looked innocently at Henry.
"No, no. You two have a fun evening." Henry turned towards the door. "I'll see you Thursday, House."
"See you Thursday," House echoed. As the door closed behind Henry, House shut the fridge door and turned towards Wilson. House reached out and undid the knot of Wilson's tie. Wilson pulled the tie off, wrapped his arms around House and held him tight.